Chapter 6

His mouth tastes like strawberry bubblegum and mint. It was intoxicating as he pushes my mouth open to allow him access to my tongue. he pulls away to lean down as his hands make their way to the outside of my thighs, gripping them before lifting me onto the kitchen counter. Before I can even protest his mouth is back on mine and he wiggles his way in between my legs.

I can feel him reaching behind me, grabbing the small of my back to inch me closer to his own body. He sighs in relief into my mouth as my body presses against his own and he rests his hands on my hips, trying to cause some kind of movement or friction from my end.

I was lost, completely enveloped in this mans mouth and body. My own hands were running up the back of his shirt, desperately looking for skin. I could feel the electricity between us, his warmth transferring across to my hands as they try to gain some kind of stability, gripping for dear life as he pushes me further and further back, trying to deepen the already depthless kiss.

His hands were replicating my own, desperately searching for a way to transfer the electricity from my own desire to his. He rips my blouse out of my pants and presses a hand against my ribs. His other hand makes its way up my shirt and grips the back of my neck.

We were a mess of two clothed bodies trying to find a way to remove what was keeping us apart without separating.

Until...

I could feel the ever so recognisable sensation of fear. His hands were gripping me, tight. I was pressing further and further into the counter, trying to sink away. I could feel my heart rate rising, all arousal slowly being put out.

I can't breath.

With that I shove him off me as hard as I can. I jump from the counter and dash to the bathroom. I can hear his surprised voice following me down the hallway as I practically run away from him.

I slam the door shut behind me, as I quickly make my way to the sink. I can see the terror in my eyes reflected back at me. I throw water on my face as I try to remove the heat from my cheeks.

Why are you like this. Why can't you just be normal.

"Calm down Charlie." I tell the horrified girl in the mirror with my face.

I wait a couple minutes till my heart rate goes back to normal and the sweat on my palms has dissipated. Lakyn is still on the other side of the door. He gave up on hammering it about five minutes ago and now just waits patiently for me to come out.

I take a deep breath, tuck my shirt back in and make my way over to the door.

When I open it, I'm met with a set of questioning eyes. I can't bear to look at them. I cast my eyes down in guilt. Poor guy has no idea what he's got himself into.

"Charlie..." he hesitates.

"I'm sorry Lakyn..." I trail off. How am I supposed to explain this.

We both stand in silence for a minute, him desperately searching me for a sign, anything, and me, fidgeting hands staring at his shoes. They are nice shoes I tell myself.

"Are you afraid of me?" He asks, breaking the tension. The hurt clear in his voice, "I'm sorry if I took that too far, I just thought we had-"

"No!" I cut him off, finally making eye contact, "It's not you, I'm sorry. It's just, it's been a while if you can believe that and it just caught me off guard and I'm just not... ready?" I half question, hoping he'll believe my half assed lie.I can tell by the way he studies my face he definitely doesn't, but he decides against pushing me further.

"Of course, I'm sorry. I should have asked for consent before I did anything." He tells me.

My heart is fluttering in my chest again at his words.

"Can I take you out for dinner one night this week as an apology? Maybe taking this slow might be better?" I ask, please say yes, please.

"You have nothing to apologise for, but I would love that." He smiles back at me.

With that we said our goodbyes. He gave me a light kiss before leaving, after asking if he could first.

I had a shower to wash the feeling of terror off my body, scrubbing my skin till it was red raw. Once I felt clean enough I made my way to bed, passing out before my head even reached the pillow.

———

I sit outside the usual brick building on the opposite side of town. The god awful orange brick that these typical clinic buildings always seem to be made out of. Why do they have to make this feel so... ick.

I make my way into the lobby, "Hi, I'm Charlie, I had an appointment at 5pm." I tell the receptionist. It was currently 5:05, I can never seem to be on time.

She gives me a kind smile and asks me to sit down. I don't know why I always insist on telling her my name, she knows me by now, after all I have been coming here for 6 months now.

I look up as the doors to the hallway opens and Sandy is standing before me, holding the door open for me to follow.

"Hello Charlie, how was your weekend?" She makes small talk as we walk towards her treatment room.

"Good." I reply cheerily, "And yours?" Poor Sandy, having me as a patient is like pulling teeth.

As I walk into the familiar room I'm met with Sandy's usual incense burning; Lavender. Apparently it's meant to calm me. The god awful orange brick is on the inside too, though Sandy has done her best to try and lighten her room up with some beautiful artwork and family photos at her desk. I walk past it and take a seat on the usual black leather couch; so cliche. Though again, Sandy tries to make her room look more comfortable and calm, adding some rainbow coloured pillows.

I plop down, pulling one into my lap as a type of shield. Sandy takes a seat across from me, going over her usual spiel; 'can I get you a drink? how are you feeling? how was your weekend? are you comfortable?'

She was always met with the generic replies from me at the start of our sessions. I don't know why that was. It felt like I spent 6 days rebuilding the wall she'd pulled down, just to step back into this office and do it all again. I just couldn't seem to bare the feeling of the safety being removed.

"You look tired Charlie." She looks at me, apologetically. Like she has anything to be sorry for, I'm the one that should be sorry for making our sessions so difficult.

Come on Charlie, you want to be better don't you?

I take a deep breath, its always the same. My conscious trying to coax my subconscious out to slowly remove the barriers, to allow myself to relive and heal everything.

"Is there anything in particular you want to discuss this session?" She asks me.

I think for a second, trying to bite the bullet, "Actually, yes. I met someone."

I spend the next ten minutes telling her all about Lakyn. She allows me to let it all out, never interrupting my ramble, and just watching me intently as I try to make sense of myself.

"I don't know, I wanted to, but it just felt like everything was closing in on me and I was..."

"Losing the control of the situation?" She finishes for me.

"Yes." I look down at my fidgeting hands sitting on top of a pink and blue marble pillow.

This is a really big pillow.

"It's ok to feel like you're losing control Charlie. And it's ok to feel panic about it." She concludes.

I sit there, tears welling up in my eyes, the lump in my throat taking its usual position as if returning home. I feel my hands begin to shake and I can practically hear my heart pounding behind my ears. I take a deep breath and return my gaze to Sandy, smiling at her.

"You're right." I tell her.

"Do you really think I am? Because I can see on your face what you're doing Charlie. I know this is hard, but you need to allow yourself to feel this, your ability to sweep things under the rug is impressive, but also detrimental to yourself."

She was right. I had made it the last 7 years by ignoring this feeling. After the... event, my survival depended on it. I knew that if I felt what my body wanted, I would never be the same. But to be fair, I hadn't been the same regardless. I had tried to maintain some sense of normalcy, but things have a way of finding their way to the surface, and this pain refused to allow me to hide it anymore.

And so now I sit here, every Tuesday at 5pm, trying to find a way to process the avalanche of trauma that demanded I understand.