Chapter 13

“So…” Lakyn prompts.

I’ve been sitting here silent for the last five minutes, trying to form the words. I want to tell him everything, but at the same time, it’s too hard to disclose the full story. I have been slowly and silently putting together pieces of the narrative in my head till it all makes sense. A way to open up but not too much my mind keeps telling me.

“So,” I sigh, “Ben and I dated when I first moved here…”

“And?” Lakyn pushes me forward.

“He was sweet at first you know. I was new here and I didn’t know many people and he swept me off my feet I guess.”

“But?”

I can’t help but laugh, “Ok, ok! Let me get this out slowly please.” I tell him.

He nods in understanding and goes quiet.

“But, it slowly… deteriorated.” I pause again.

I pause for another minute. This reminds me of my therapy sessions. It’s almost impossible to break down my walls.

“I know you told me to stay quiet but please Charlie, how? How did it deteriorate?” Lakyn presses.

“He got… abusive, I suppose.” I finish. Unable to tell him the full extent of Ben’s trauma on me, and the full extent of the trauma that has haunted me for 7 years.

“Did he hit you?” He asks through gritted teeth.

“Yes.” I whisper, looking down at my fidgeting hands. Always fidgeting.

He takes in a sharp breath before asking, “Was that all he did?”

“No.” I answer flatly, looking back up at him. My face becomes like steel, trying to repress all of the memories and emotions.

“Motherfucker.” Lakyn says, “I should have done more than break his fucking nose.” And with this he stands up and starts pacing around the room. His hands run through his hair, constantly slicking it back into place even though there’s not a stray hair to be seen.

“This fucking guy comes to my club, attacks my girl, and it’s not even the first time? I swear to god Charlie I’m going to fucking kill him. I’ll fucking end him in this town. Ben who? What’s his fucking name?” He finally pauses to stare at me.

His eyes are filled with rage and hatred and now they’re pointed at me. I can’t help but start to sob again. I throw my head into my hands and cry again. Why can’t I stop crying?

The weight of the bed shifts as he sits across from me and pulls me into his arms.

“Baby…?” He asks, uncertainty laced in his voice.

He holds me again as I cry before I pull away, “Lakyn, I know you want to kill him, I do to. But-“

“But fucking nothing Charlie!” He screams as he jumps away from me. “But fucking nothing, I’m not going to let this slide!”

“LET THIS SLIDE?!” I ask incredulously, “Let what slide Lakyn?! This is my life. Not yours! You’ve known me two weeks and now what an ex did to me isn’t going to slide with you?” I too am now standing, screaming at him and his blatant disregard for my feelings in this situation. “This is not your fight! Why are you acting as if my past is a problem?” I whisper the last sentence. I stand there patiently waiting for him to back down, to back out of our relationship and the baggage that will inadvertently come with it.

He pauses at my words, taking them in. I see the expression on his face soften but I’m too angry and hurt to let this slide.

“If this is too much for you Lakyn, just say, before we go any further.” I tell him, refusing to back down.

Fear crosses his face at my ultimatum and he rushes forward towards me grabbing me in his embrace.

“Charlie, no! That’s not what I’m saying. I like you, the thought of anyone hurting you is…”

“Yeah it sucks but it is what it is. I don’t need you to make this situation about you and your feelings. This is mine.” I whisper again. Unable to keep my earlier harsh stance. The thought of losing Lakyn scares me, and the ultimatum was, ultimately, empty. I don’t want to lose him with this bluff. “This is what happened to me. Not you.” I finish.

He stares at me blankly for a minute, mulling over my words.

Finally he breaks the silence, “I’m sorry, you’re right.”

I can’t help the shocked expression that comes across my face. I’m right? I am right! Why is it such a shock to hear him validate my feelings. Deep down I know I’m right, but to hear it come from him…

“I shouldn’t have made this about me. I’ll support you however you want.”

With that I throw myself into his arms. We hug and he holds me tight.

“Thank you.” I whisper.

I’m all out of tears to cry and my body is exhausted and I know he can tell because he finally asks me, “Do you want to have a shower?”

My drunk thoughts perk up at the idea of showering with Lakyn. “With you?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.

“NO!” He half shouts and I pull back. Why does his rejection always sting more than the last.

“Why? Because now you know about Ben you don’t want to fuck me?” I ask harshly, venom laced in my voice.

“Charlie, baby, please. You know that’s not the case. If anything knowing what you’ve been through makes me more aware of us and sex… I want to fuck you, I do. But you’re drunk, you’ve had a rough night, and I don’t want our first time to be under these… circumstances.” He pleads with me.

He’s right. This is not the right time for us. This ebbing in my body to replace the memory of Ben’s with his isn’t fair or right.

I nod, “I understand. You’re right.”

He smiles back at me and slowly grabs my hand, leading me to his bathroom. He sits me down on the toilet and goes away. He returns back with a towel and some clothes. He places them on the bench, pulling each item out, “Here’s a towel, here are some sweatpants and here is a T-shirt. There’s soap, shampoo and stuff in the shower. Do you need anything else?” He asks.

I shake my head, unable to remove the smile from my face at how nurturing he is.

“It’s nice to see that smile again. If you need anything not sex related shout out.” And with that I’m left with myself.

I turn the shower on and turn back to the mirror before me. Slowly I begin to undress, staring at the woman before me. I don’t feel like a woman, I feel like a girl as I bore deep into my eyes searching for a part of myself that doesn’t exist anymore. The naivety is gone and before me stands a child that’s been exposed to the harshness of reality and can’t seem to handle it. My hands run down my naked figure as I try to remember who and what I am, but it’s just not there. I sigh as my hands place themselves over the scars on my body, the one’s inflicted on me by myself and others.

It’s probably for the best he didn’t see me like this.

I sigh and step into the waterfall shower. The scalding water burns my flesh turning it red. The comforting feeling of burning away the pain of others from my skin, of burning the memories of them imprinted on me away returns. I scrub hard at my skin begging the invisible marks to go away, but they never do.

After a while I turn the shower off and slowly step out. The mirror is fogged and I can no longer see my own reflection. Thankfully. I pull the towel out and dry myself off before stepping into the pants Lakyn gave me and then the T-shirt. It’s some ironic shirt from ‘The Office’ and I smile at the small piece of him he’s given me.

I crack the door open and peak my head out and he springs to attention from the bed.

“You ok? You were in there a while.” He asks.

“I’m fine, I had to take my makeup off and I washed my hair…” I trail off. I must look like a mess, wet hair in his clothes.

“You look beautiful.” He tells me. I swear this man can read my mind.

“Get comfortable in bed and I’m just going to quickly shower too.” He tells me and we swap places.

I sit on his bed. It’s comfortable and soft. I slowly peel back the covers and crawl in, pulling the sheets up to my chin and curl into my usual safety position facing the bathroom door as I wait for him to come out. I look at the nightstand and there’s a small bottle of water waiting for me. I sit up to chug it realising how badly I’m going to feel in the morning. I look at the clock. Fuck, 3am already?

As I lie back down the door slowly opens and Lakyn comes out in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt too. I can’t help but giggle. “We’re matching.” I tell him.

He looks down at his attire, “That we are.” He smiles back.

He makes his way to the other side of the bed and I roll over onto my back to watch him. He pulls the covers back before getting into bed with me. He scoots over so our bodies are next to one another before rolling me over to face the bathroom door again. He wraps his arms around me so we’re spooning before bringing his head into my hair to smell it.

“You smell like me.” He purrs.

“That’s what happens when I use your shampoo and conditioner.”

“I like it.” He tells me as he breaths in another deep breath.

We stay like that as I slowly begin to drift asleep. In my half asleep state I hear him whisper “You’re with me Charlie.”

And with that I drift off into a dreamless sleep.