Chapter 12

The car ride to Lakyn’s apartment is silent. Upon leaving he instructed the manager to close up and to call him if he had a problem or issue. We hadn’t spoken a word since he agreed to take me back to his place.

I look down at my hands as I pick at the tule over my skirt.

“You’re going to ruin that if you keep picking at it.” He says from beside me, not taking his eyes off the road.

“I really don’t care.” I respond flatly.

He gives me a sigh but says nothing else. I turn my attention to outside the window and watch as the lights all blur into one. There’s people littering the streets enjoying their nights and yet here I am, no tears left to cry and an exhaustion that weighs me down. I wish I too could blur into nothing, that people would look at me and see nothing but another person in a crowd of bodies, that I could be smeared into no one. I just need a relief from this feeling.

We pull up to Lakyn’s apartment block and he makes his way into the designated garage and into his spot. My anxiety begins to rear it’s ugly head but I push it back. I get out of the car and make my way to Lakyn who’s standing there at the end of the car waiting for me.

As I approach him he grabs my hand, interlocking our fingers, and pulls me with him to the garage elevator. We stand there in the cold steel of the elevator in silence again, hands together, until the ‘ping’ of the elevator jolts me from my thoughts; floor 16.

He pulls me out and down the hallway until we reach his apartment door; ’1605’ it reads.

He breaks his hand from mine to unlock the door and swing it open before holding it out for me. Without hesitation I walk past him into the small but lavish apartment and he follows suit. I pause to take in my surroundings as he slowly slips past me to turn on the lights.

His apartment is bare but beautiful, it’s minimalistic but suits him. All the walls are white, being accompanied by black and steel furniture. The kitchen is adorned with black cupboards and silver appliances, the living room with a black couch and glass coffee table. The kitchen and living room are broken up by a black marble island countertop. A cow skin rug sits to the side where two black and steel reclining chairs are placed in front of a wall completely made out of glass. The view of the city is immaculate. There are a number of plants littered around the place, but most of them are either dead or dying. As I walk over to touch the leaves of one poor plant I hear Lakyn take in a deep breath behind me.

“Ah, yeah, it’s hard to keep things alive when you’re hardly here.” He says sheepishly.

“Your apartment is beautiful.” I respond, completely ignoring his awkwardness.

“Do you want a coffee? Water?” He asks.

“Wine?” I ask quietly.

“Charlie…” he trails off.

I know it’s not a good idea, but I’m not sure I can get through this without it. The concept of talking to him about this, or doing all the things I’ve been dying to do to him, without that buzz feels… impossible.

He gives in and makes his way into the kitchen and returns with a glass or red wine. Just one.

“Can you have one too…?” I trail off.

He looks at me, handing me the glass and slowly nods, returning to the kitchen to pour his own.

When he comes back I have already made my way to sit on the couch. It’s beautiful but uncomfortable.

“The place is really only for looks.” He tells me, reading my mind.

Am I that obvious?

I sip at my wine. What I really want to do is skull the whole thing and go find the bottle. But I know if I do that he’ll lose it a little. Lakyn’s made it clear he doesn’t like my drinking habits. I know the only reason he’s indulged me with this glass is because it’s been a hectic night, I look horrendous, and if he doesn’t give me it he knows I won’t give him any answers to the number of questions that are currently circling his mind.

“Did Nate and Vanessa get home safe?” I ask.

“Yeah, I ensured Cal got them an uber home. They were worried about you but I ensured Vanessa I would look after you. She sure knows how to give a lecture. I believe the phrase she used was ‘I’ll cut off your balls if anything happens to her.’” he laughs.

After everything that happened, Vanessa became my protector. It’s a role I needed and something I’ll always be indebted to her for.

I nod, satisfied with the answer but unable to laugh. I have no doubt she would do it too. She may be small but she’s fiery as hell.

“So…” Lakyn trails off.

I sigh, how am I meant to do this. Don’t. The small voice in my head tells me, Don’t do it, why do we have to? I think this over, maybe I don’t have to do this. I take all of the remaining wine in my glass in my mouth and swallow.

“Can I have a cigarette?” I ask.

Surprised Lakyn responds “Yeah, of course. The balcony is in my bedroom… Follow me.”

And with that we make our way to Lakyn’s room. The bedroom is decorated much the same as the living room. His bed has a black headboard with silver trimmings, black sheets, and the besides tables are, you guessed it, also black. The throw over the bed is a creamy colour to break up the consistent black, and on one of the walls is a beautiful piece of watercolour art of two people making love. The painting is the only colourful thing in the whole apartment, with a deep grey male figure desperately holding onto a beautiful woman coloured in swirls of yellow and pink. They sit together holding on to one another.

“It’s stunning.” I tell him.

He blushes a little as I stand taking in the picture. The two figures holding onto one another as if it’s the last time they might be together. His hands gripping her hips and back, her arms wrapped around him to clutch his head. It’s raw and vulnerable and I can’t stop looking at it.

As I stare I can’t help but feel the tears spring in my eyes. I try to hold it back but before I know it I’m sobbing as I stare at the two figures before me, two figures that have something I don’t and may never have; love. A desperate kind of love filled with intimate and intense connection. I can’t help but fall into my usual self pity as I stand there sobbing for something I don’t know or understand.

I feel two hands wrap around me.

“Charlie, what’s wrong?” Lakyn desperately asks me as he turns me around to face him.

Instinctively I throw myself at him. I take him off guard as I push him towards the bed desperately fumbling to take his clothes off. I push him down and crawl on top of him as I try to kiss him.

It takes him a couple seconds but once the shock wears off he pushes me off him and sits up. I land with my back on the bed in shock at his rejection before I get up to run out of the room. What am I doing? Why am I like this? Stop Charlie.

Before I can make it out of the door his arms are around me again. I go limp and we fall to the floor together. He pulls me in his lap as I sob into his chest. I clutch at his shirt and cry into him for what feels like hours.

“Charlie, talk to me please.” He begs.

“I can’t do this.” I sob out.

“Can't do what?!” He frantically asks.

“I can’t get the feeling of his hands on me off my skin. I can’t get the image of him over me out of my mind. I can’t…” I trail off into another sob that wracks through my whole body.

He grips me tighter and says nothing. He waits till I’ve calmed down before grabbing my chin. I flinch at the reminder of Ben grabbing me. He holds his hand there till I relax into him, twisting my face up to him.

“Charlie look at me.” He whispers.

We wait again as I slowly gain the courage to raise my eyes at him. I stare into his eyes as they bore into mine with an intensity I haven’t seen in Lakyn before. It’s fear.

Fear is written all over his face as he searches mine for answers.

He slowly lowers his head, hovering his lips above mine, waiting for me to close the distance. I reach up to him, as I go to put my arms around him, but he grabs them before I can and places them back on his chest.

“Slow Charlie.” He tells me.

I nod, bringing my lips to his. He slowly parts his lips to welcome mine, and we share this kiss, uninterrupted, for a minute. The intensity not shifting or changing, just my lips in his as he kisses me slowly and tenderly.

He pulls away too soon and I keep my eyes closed for a second longer, hoping he’ll come back, hoping he’ll give me the love and attentiveness of his kiss again, but he doesn’t.

I open my eyes as he brings his hand to stroke my face.

Slowly all my fears and worries leave my mind, as we sit on his cold hard floor in our embrace; him holding me gently and delicately, like a flightless bird that needs protection.

“I need you to talk to me. I need you to tell me what’s happening or what’s going on. Please” He begs me.

I sigh, knowing I can’t get out of this conversation. I nod and slowly stand as he follows suit. I make my way over to the bed, landing on it harshly.

He hesitates as he takes the sight of me on his bed in.

I laugh which surprises him a little, “I promise I won’t jump you again… I think.” I tell him.

He laughs too at this before making his way to sit across from me.

I decide to get comfortable before I open up to him. I reach down to take my shoes off, massaging my feet from the pain of having heels on all night.

He reciprocates my actions and removes his own shoes. I pull my feet up onto the bed so I’m sitting cross legged facing him. He does the same, constantly mirroring my actions to give me a sense of security around him. We sit there, cross legged, facing one another. It’s an odd site to see this big man before me sit in the same position as me and I smile at him. He gives me a lop sided grin back.

“So,” I begin, taking in a deep breath before I get ready to bare my chest to the man before me.