break chap

end of my school year and the start of football practice in 107 degree weather. anyway yeah im tired and lazy so here are 100 chuck Norris jokes.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you've ever tasted.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. That's why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee mug.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got Coronavirus. Now the Coronavirus is in isolation.

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Freddie Krueger is afraid that Chuck Norris might one day get tired and take a nap.

Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Chuck Norris wrecked his bicycle and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck can divide by zero.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris was once run over by a tank. He refused to pay for it.

Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally and came back with his shirt ironed and holding a sandwich.

When Chuck Norris left for college he looked to his father Nd said "Youre the man of the house now".

Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.

Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.

While other children were playing in sand, Chuck was playing in concrete.

There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris cheated on his English test...with a calculator.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.

Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because theres no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

When the Tooth fairy comes to your house she takes your tooth and gives you money. When Chuck Norris comes to your house he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris can rub two pieces of fire together and make wood.

When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potato sacks.