Circumference

I got home late that night. It was around eleven, and no amount of apology could account for that. Tim managed to drive quietly enough that I don't think it would wake my parents up. But that's just if they had gone to bed at all. The only thing I could do was pray continuously that they had. I really didn't have it in me to do the whole "you're late" talk. I was beyond tired, not necessarily bad, but I was just worn out.

I didn't plan for the day to go like this. Originally I was going to come back home right after dinner because that was when everyone was supposed to go back home, or at least what someone told me

- cough cough Theo- . But we all got sidetracked and talked for far too long. We listened to old stories, that even Theo had never heard before, of Louis and Harry's past. Most of them were insane and could even be unbelievable, but the way they described their memories couldn't be seen as false. And I couldn't help but get lost in the recklessness of them. It was only ten minutes before that I realized how late it had become.

I was in such panic that I literally jumped at the sight of the clock and tumbled off the couch we had all been sitting, or laying, on. When I did Theo laughed at me, but stopped immediately when I showed him the time. I believe his exact words were, "oh fuckkk the witch is going to eat me.". That got a few 'are you okay?' looks, but I didn't have time to speculate or even contemplate. We had to practically rush out, only sparing a few minutes on goodbyes and even a few hugs. I wasn't expecting any, but Harry insisted and Louis, a little tipsy I believe, followed right after.

And now I'm here. Waving goodbye to my best friend at 11 p.m. and sneaking into my house, so that I won't be badgered or guilt tripped for being out so late. Luckily for me all of the lights were off and that made me more hopeful. My mother would always leave one light on in the living room when she was up. I think she did it just so that we, be my brother and I-mostly me-, would know exactly what we would walk into. It was like torture before slaughter.

Though even with light still off I was paranoid, so I opened and unlocked the door as quietly as I possibly could, and just the same when I closed and relooked it. When I walked into the house I did so discreetly, looking over every corner, and I watched everywhere I stepped. I already knew where to and not to step. There were certain planks of wood that would squeak when stepped on, only a few, but that was enough. I practically tippy tied up the stairs, and when I made it up there I had to pass my parents door. When I tell you I've never been that quiet in my life, I mean it. I didn't even breathe.

Once I had made it past their door I speedily made my way to the bathroom. I really had to pee. If I used the bathroom it would be fine because it could be Austin. The hard part of sneaking in was over. Or so I thought...

You know I've been scared many times in my life. But when I tell you that I got the living crap scared out of me, right after I used the bathroom as a matter of a fact. I had flushed and even washed my hands. I thought I was home free. That I could go to sleep in one peace. No, delusional, that's what I am.

"You're home late."

"Fu-" I cover my mouth and jump at the voice. When I look to the right corner of my eye I see my brother standing there, leaning against his doorway. "That's not funny, and you know it." I remarked, giving him a small glare for his small quirk of a smile.

Putting both hands in the air he whispers back, "I know." Looking at me for a few more seconds he finally pushes off the wall and backs up into his room. "You can't be this late again. You got lucky that dad got home late. Mom had him to argue with instead, so she forgot about you." His words might seem harsh, but they aren't meant as such. If anything it shows how much he cares, his concern. Even if we're not the closest siblings, we understand each other.

"You need to be more careful."

I nod my head meekly as I rub my hand on the back of my neck gingerly. "I know." I gulp down the words I say in my mind, for I'm too afraid to say out loud. So instead I simply whisper, "Goodnight." Giving him one last glance he tells me goodnight as well, and I close the door behind me before tossing my shoes to the side. I peel the shirt off my back and unbutton my pants. Once I've stepped out of them I sigh in relief and toss them lazily into my laundry basket as I pass it on my way to my bed.

When I make it to my bed I don't bother to even pull the covers to the side. I just full on fall on top of it, and with my big toe I managed to grab the blanket at the end of my bed. After barely throwing it onto my body I drift off to sleep, and I allow my eyelids to fall from the weight of my tiredness. This is when I fall into a deep sleep.

I dream. Dreams of floating in mid air in the dawn sky that allow me to fly. I dream of landing softly on my feet, and Theo sits a few feet away from me. In a large field of grass he sits on top of many pillows, strumming lightly to a tune I've heard him play before. When I pass by him he looks up at me with his bright blue eyes filled with joy. I look past him to see his father grow near, and for some reason all three of us smile.

My view changes, and I see an open set of doors with sheer white, flowing curtains. Wind flows through them causing them to lift in mid air. When I look down I see a dark, mahogany table filled with papers. Some of them are marked with pen, while others with pencil. There was also a closed computer, but I paid no mind to it. I simply get up and walk to the door. When I look out I see a city of Italy. So many colors, so much beauty, but it all seemed to just fade away at my touch.

Then the last thing that came into my line of sight, or truly-mind, was green. Enchanting, emerald green orbs with dark pupils in the middle. They pull at my heart, and fill me with so many emotions that I fear that I might wake, but I don't. I stay fast asleep and dream of the night, and all I've talked to her about. Her words, her voice, and her persona is intoxicating. She haunts me with her unexpected presence.

This scared me beyond belief, for I had only thought of one other like this. Even then it scared me, but she was the only one. That meant I could deny it all. It meant I wouldn't have the nightmares of my parents judgment. It meant I could stay hidden...safe.

But now I could not. It was someone else, and that meant it was real. It meant that this wasn't a one type thing. The realization of it all terrified me. So much so that the rest of my slumber I was haunted of what might happen if my parents were to find out. How they would slander and disown me. How they would cast me out with shame. Even with everything else this would not be acceptable at all. There were no second chances.

Normally I would worry like this on the regular. My dreams would forever be frightening. I would be happy, in the future...with her, but it would never last. And they would show up just in time to crush my spirit. To remind me of what I'm meant to be.

It was like a never ending spiral of self loathing. Striving, starving for freedom to be the dreamer I long to be. Though I was only allowed a single moment of happiness in each dream. Then I would be brought back to the reality of what was expected. This was the circumference of my circle, my routine. Dreaming of pure joy...to dreaming of my reality. The destruction of my hope would always take place lastly. To refresh me of what I've learned so many times before.

I was not my own.