Moth to a Flame

The sun was setting, so I ran. Well, my body moved. Half my mind was left scattered in front of his building.

An anxiety disorder would make sense.

My groceries made strange sounds, but I didn't bother to check if anything broke.

No. It's a panic disorder...and addiction since he probably continued to ask for pills. Or maybe he had an overdose in the past?

I stared at the sky but all I could see were his parted lips.

If that is what his brother meant then he's using grass to self-medicate? The wind was getting stronger while the birds were flying in circles.

And it's not working.

"Grandma, I'm back! You awake?" I dropped everything at the door, untied my shoes, and went into our room, panting. And exhaled a deep breath that I didn't realize I was holding. Prepared to face her.

That was until I saw that she was still asleep. Before I got to her bed, I heard someone knocking at the back door. and I felt anger rising inside me as a forest fire would rise from a single-lit match thrown into the wrong place.

"What the hell? Who...?" Before I could even finish, I locked eyes with a heroin user who was hard to forget, since he only had four teeth left, Jeonell.

"You're the other one, aren't you?" He asked.

I closed the door behind me fast.

"The other what?" He seemed as if he was trying to control his body's tremor. The only light source was a poor suspended bulb that was currently being attacked by moths.

"Dealer." He mumbled.

The light struck his eyes in the dark of the night, making them appear as if they were completely red.

"Oh, do you want me to call him?" I barely touched my pocket as he stretched out his hand quickly in an attempt to stop me.

"No, I'm late with the pay... he probably knows..."

"Well, I don't know how else I can help you, man." I smiled nervously and thought of how I could get him as far away from my home as possible.

How did he find out my address is the real question.

"Do you have some?"

"Some... what?"

"You know, my fix." The mere thought of it made him unconsciously smile, uncovering his dirty teeth.

"Nah, I don't deal with your type of stuff. Sorry." I was telling the truth, but his disgruntled expression made me think he didn't believe me.

"How come?"

Too risky and I have zero security. I thought.

"Fred won't let me," I said.

"My friend told me that you do. Occasionally..." At that very moment, I heard something move in the bushes.

And suddenly, I felt like I was a puppy being cornered by rabid dogs.

"Yeah? Is he here? I'd like to see some proof." I spoke loudly.

And thought: Maybe it's because I'm worried about my grandma... but he doesn't blink much, does he?

"I don't like liars." I heard him say as I watched a man in torn clothes slowly approaching us. I thought I should call the cops but then realized that it would put me in more trouble than it would them. Then I thought of Fred and how he wouldn't get here fast enough unless he'd decided to randomly drop by today and was already on his way. That only ever happened twice though.

And I don't like to draw attention to his lackeys, so...

"Hey, little boy." The second man greeted me, smelling like alcohol and looking homeless.

Fuck it. I don't have time for this. I pulled my phone out of my jeans, but he slapped it out of my hand so fast that I barely realized it had fallen.

"We don't want any trouble. Five will do. Each."

"I'm telling the truth, you know. I got none."

"Then you don't mind if we take a look, do you?"

If I would've lived alone, I wouldn't. But my grandmother would have a heart attack if she woke up and saw your ugly mug. I bit my lips in an attempt to calm myself down.

The drunk proceeded up the stairs so I hit the other one between his legs, then quickly grabbed the coat of the other, dragging him back to the ground. He tripped with a twisted smile.

"You didn't seem so stupid at first..." He revealed a small knife that he had kept attached to the inside of his torn jeans.

I was looking at it when the man with four teeth hit me directly in the cheek. I let myself squat down, as my brain started blasting a song I knew and hated each time it started: If she hears anything, she will be afraid. If she thinks I'm in trouble, she'll worry. If she worries, she might...

They kicked me in the stomach, then one of them got on top of me. Hitting me in the face again and again.

I cared so little that I didn't even think about protecting myself. All my attention was directed to the level of our voices.

One blow hit me especially hard, but I couldn't afford to curse out loud and risk waking her up. When I saw one shoe touching the stairs right next to me from the corner of my now-only good eye, the thought of my grandmother's crying face made my blood boil.

My phone started ringing.

I threw the guy off me and kicked him straight in the head until he stopped moving. I couldn't tell who was which at this point since I was bleeding somewhere from the top of my head and the crimson liquid tainted my view. His friend noticed the sudden change of positions and grabbed me from behind, ready to deliver more blows.

It stopped ringing.

I dodged and kicked a man between the legs for the second time that night and then another head as he leaned to cover his private parts out of instinct.

"What the fuck... you... mother..." I told him to shut up as I kept beating him to a pulp. Something that became counterproductive as I was expecting, since he started screaming at the top of his lungs. I rushed to cover his mouth.

My phone started bothering me as it started ringing for the second time.

I figured it was another avoidable, unwanted sound, so I answered.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, kid. I just wanted to let you know about our next meal. I've got something I want to talk abo..."

"I am going to make you pay! You fucking...!"

"Hang on, Fred. His friend woke up."

"What?"

I left the phone on the ground and as I held my left hand on top of his mouth, I broke his leg with my right one.

"If you make another sound, I'll break the other one, you hear me?"

He nodded as the sweat continued to drip down his face. I noticed a drop of blood fall from above, right onto his cheek. I looked around for the other one, however, he was nowhere near us.

It must be mine. That's all I thought as I walked to his friend, who was now holding his head between his legs and cursing.

"Crazy son of a bitch!"

"Why are you so loud?" I asked him and then grabbed him by the neck, strangling him until his face turned blue.

"Pl-e-e."

When I thought he was losing consciousness from the lack of oxygen, I just slammed him to the ground. I then stepped on his ankle, letting gravitation do its job until I heard a crack. His sudden scream had me kicking his face again.

"Hush." I grabbed his knife and held it up against his neck before whispering slowly, yet clearly, "One more sound and you're gonna wake up screaming in your next life." He covered his own mouth in response.

I sighed and went to pick up my phone.

"What's up, Fred?"

"What the hell's going on?!"

"Two of your friends came to my house to pick up some stuff. Yours. I told them I didn't have it, but they didn't believe me."

"Friends? Who? What stuff?"

"You know. Your...happy stuff."

"Oh." For a moment, neither Fred nor they made one single sound. My eyes turned to the only remaining source of the sound, the moths that were slowly being fried alive while hitting the heated bulb again and again. I looked down and saw my reflection in the window. Half my face was black and the other one was pretty normal, except for the bruised cheek. What surprised me, however, was the light reflected in both. Like horrifying headlights.

"I'm sending people over right now. But where are you exactly?" I snapped out of it and looked away.

"My backyard."

"Oh..." After another moment of silence. "Can you hold them there for another five minutes? Ten at most?"

"Don't worry. I made sure they can't move much."

Ironically, the one I just strangled tried to move his leg which made him moan a bit too loud for my liking.

"Sorry. I'm gonna fix it. I promise."

"Yes, you will." I hung up.

"You are a monster."

Nah. Just a good grandson. I wanted to argue but didn't.

"I am the last monster both of you will see if y'all make another bloody sound!" I spoke louder than I probably should have.

I looked up to see the bum grabbing his knife and crawling toward me. I resisted the desire to laugh like a maniac as I waited for him to come near me. I cupped his tiny knife without hesitation, the sensation of it, cutting into the palm of my hand, made a pleasant chill travel down my spine. He let go of the knife and fell backward before I had the chance to do anything.

"Now I'll be good, I swear to God." He looked scared enough. So, I was pleased. But I still had to break the other leg since he made multiple sounds after I warned him.

Fred's friends arrived before he did.

I don't know what happened to the two after that since they were quickly dragged out of my garden without much resistance.

I was too busy telling everyone to be as silent as possible to notice the way some of them were looking at me.

"They hit your face pretty good." That's the first thing Fred said when he arrived.

He didn't come near me. He just stared at me with a nervous smile on his lips.

"It'll heal," I told him.

"Did they stab you?"

It was only then that I realized that I forgot about the knife that remained stuck in my hand for the entire time. I unclenched my fingers and stared at it, confused.

"Adrenaline, eh?" He assumed.

"Probably."

All of a sudden, Fred hugged me and said nothing. Since I only had blows thrown my way in the last hour, I found this action comforting. I couldn't bring myself to embrace him back though. I stood there, like a statue. After letting go, he gently removed the knife.

"I brought a first aid kit." He casually informed me.

He ended up cleaning the blood while we sat on the stairs.

"Still in survival mode?" He asked me when I nearly hit him as he poured medicinal alcohol all over my hand. "You can't risk getting infected."

"It's clean enough." I tried pulling my hand away, but he didn't let me.

"That's different."

"Can you be done now? Grandma must be worried."

This made him sigh.

"Almost."

I don't remember what we spoke about or how much time it took. All I knew was that by the time he left, it was pitch black and the moon was above the forest that was after the fence of my garden. My arms were shaking and so were my legs. He apologized as my face stung and bandages got covered in blood, both mine and theirs. I told him it wasn't his fault, to begin with, and left it at that.

After all, I was too busy thinking of a good lie.

The adrenaline's fading.

I realized, looking in the mirror in the bathroom, without being able to find one drop of blood on my face or neck.

I changed my clothes with the dirty ones that I found in the laundry basket before slowly sliding through the door of our bedroom.

"Hi. I'm sorry I came home so late." That's all I said to my grandmother when I came in with a lowered head as an indication of my remorse. She looked at me with kind, yet concerned eyes.

"You're a young man. Don't be silly, but did...are, are you hurt?" The more she saw of me, the more questions seemed to bloom in her mind.

"I'm fine."

"Is that a cut?"

"I just got into a fight at school."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"I am fine," I assured her, thinking of how I was going to make the quickest dinner as I sat her up and couldn't help but notice the way she was analyzing my entire body with furrowed brows and sad eyes.

"Why'd you fight? Are you getting bullied? Son, you better be honest with me."

"No." I smiled and tried to reassure her more. "He was a friend of mine."

"What kind of friend punches you like this and...your hand is bandaged. Why is..." I cut her off.

"I punched him back, of course. The nurse took care of me afterward." I turned on the TV and avoided looking at her. I then saw the clock on the wall and turned to the door.

"Ah, you need to take your pills."

"Namjoon!"

"Yes?"

"Can you at least tell me why you two fought?"

"No." That was all I said before leaving the room.

Any reason I'd come up with would require more lies...

I filled a glass of water, warmed up a few leftovers, and came back with a heavy chest. I wished she would've looked at the Tv instead, but she gave me her undivided attention.

I avoided her eyes as I fed her and then I almost fell asleep until I heard her call out my name again. "Do you need anything grandma?"

"I'm worried about you."

"Why? It was just a fight. These things happen."

"I don't want it to be fine. I want your life to be great. I want you to come home and tell me you've had an incredible day. I wish I could...help..." Tears gathered in her eyes and I hugged her quickly without any hesitation.

"You being here. That helps me. I hate being alone."

"I know."

And before I realized it, I fell asleep on her lap.

I haven't dreamed for a while, but during these short hours of sleep, I saw my dead parents trying to walk through a snowstorm.

I was just a tiny kid trying to catch up to them with my short legs. I screamed and cried, but they never looked back. I never got to them either. I was freezing and tired, so I sat in the thick, high snow and cried.

I could still feel the hot tears and unbearable pain, even after I woke up.

I looked up and I saw my grandmother with her back still against the wall.

I'm sorry.

I laid her down and covered her in blankets like I should have before I fell asleep.

The shower that used to relax me seemed like a million needles falling into my skin.

The coffee didn't have a good taste and I couldn't bring myself to listen to anything or read to distract myself.

I went to school with a blank mind and a knot in my throat. Ignoring the painful feeling that hugged me and wouldn't let me go.

People would stare at my wounded cheek and scratched forehead, but they would assume the obvious the moment they spotted my hand.

When I finally arrived in class, Jungkook was facing the window with headphones in his ears. I couldn't figure out if he was asleep or not, but he was making a point to seem unavailable.

As usual, I sat down without saying hi to anyone. Soon enough, they started asking. I told a lie that I kept repeating for the rest of the day, and all my classmates were glad to spread it around.

Finally, I retreated into a tiny dark corner of my mind. So, I didn't hear a word that the teachers said, nor did I read a word from the book that has been in front of me as my way of making it look like I wasn't available. After a whole day of seeing nothing more than the image of my parent's backs that I took with my mind's eye, I finally looked to my left since it started raining.

I haven't even so much as glanced at him all day. But as I turned my head, I could see that he was now facing my way and staring directly at me.

I swallowed hard, and all the numbness was replaced by the feeling of hunger and loneliness that swallowed me up in that instant.

When the class was over, I gathered my stuff on autopilot and before I could leave, I felt a tug on my jacket.

"Rooftop." That was all he said.

I sighed audibly, but I wasn't even sure if I was relieved that it mattered to him or not.

I texted Fred that I was going to be late for our lunch today. He told me that I had the day off anyway and that I could get there anytime I wanted.

Five minutes later, I was standing in front of the door that led to the barely-covered rooftop. Pacing back and forth.

I just have to repeat the lie I've told everyone else. That's how I convinced myself to face him alone.

I went out, headfirst into the mellow, spring rain that felt quite refreshing. But it couldn't wash away the bitterness that overflowed from every pore.

Am I missing my parents again? Or do I feel guilty about wanting to kill someone? Perhaps, it's because I lied to her again? I kept asking myself. Wishing for a voice that knew more than I did to pop up and answer every question I couldn't figure out.

My mind went quiet when I spotted Jungkook smoking in his usual corner. And then he saw me.

I don't know...It's so...lonely...either way. That was all I was feeling as I walked toward him and hugged him without speaking. He stood still while I closed my eyes.

After a few minutes, he asked me what any normal person would have.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

I got into a fight with this childhood friend of mine about liking the same girl and... I thought.

"I...I don't want to lie," I said.

"Then don't." He smiled.

"I can't."

So, I just left.

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.

◦