Mulled Wine

"Does it hurt?"

"No."

The sound of our forks scratching the plates and the dripping of the faucet was starting to drive me crazy.

"I promise that they'll never bother you again."

"I believe you, Fred." I smiled to reassure him once more.

"Is there anything else we can talk about?"

"Sure." He approved, raising the glass and taking a sip.

"So, did your sister move in, or is she just visiting?" I casually inquired while staring at the pink and white dresses that covered half of the already big sofa.

He sighed deeply as if the subject alone was exhausting him.

"She's just visiting."

He looked into the distance, narrowing his eyes as if he could see her on the wall. And then he whispered, "I hope."

"You loveee her." I teased.

"Of course, I do." He straightened up in the chair. "She's just…a bit…she nags sometimes…" Fred's back relaxed into its usual curve as he stared at his plate without taking one bite.

"About?"

"Anything. I mean..." he lifted his napkin and showed it to me. "The woman doesn't like my napkins. My napkins! What's wrong with them?!"

"I couldn't say." His sudden outburst amused me.

"Nothing, I tell you! You wipe what needs wiping, you throw them away and then you buy new ones! Isn't that their function? But no, they must be colored depending on the season, your mood, or something!"

My laughter began softly, then got louder when he went to the cupboard and took out a round, white plate, and began gesturing with it.

"You want to know what's wrong with this plate?"

"Yes, please," I said in between chuckles.

"It's round...but it should be a square. And preferably, a flower must be painted on it. Not flowers, but a flower. Why? 'Cause, that's what you want to see next to your food! Only one God damn flower!"

He sat back down, picked up his fork, and presented it to me as if he remembered something.

"Don't you think this fork is too big? If it's smaller, then it would help us lose weight! Who knew? Nutritionists all over the world should forget all they've learned during years of studying and start listening to my sister instead!"

"Stop, my cheeks hurt." I was holding onto my belly since it started to hurt from laughing.

"It's not funny. She's been here for only two days and she covered my bed with pillows. She used my card to buy ten cushions, ten! And they're more expensive than my clothes!"

"This is too funny."

"How? I don't have room to sleep. She didn't even ask me... she's spoiled. I'm telling you."

I drank some water in an attempt to calm myself down, then wiped the tears that had gathered in the corner of my eyes with a smile.

"But you still lovee her."

He sighed, but this time, grinning, "Speaking of love…how's your love life going?"

The expression on Jungkook's face when I left just after hugging him flashed into my mind's eye as if it were a real picture that someone had taken.

"I am not sure," I said and then went right back to playing with my broccoli.

"You've confessed?"

"Well, sort of, yeah."

"And what did he say?"

"He asked why I like him."

"That's a bit odd. And then what?"

I looked up to see the face of someone waiting at the edge of their seat while watching the most suspenseful movie.

It was my turn to sigh.

"I told him it's because I like the way he ...tastes."

"You've finally kissed him?" He leaned backward with a hand on his chest as if I had insulted him by keeping this piece of information or his heart just skipped a beat.

"No. Yes. Well, not then. Ah…It doesn't matter."

"It does. It's taken you an eternity... "

"That's not the point. Thing is, we're not together." I paused and looked at his confused face while I doubted what I just said myself. "I think... I don't think we are. Are we?"

He slapped his forehead.

"Did you ask him out?"

"I've confessed that I like him already. More than once, might I add…"

"You need to ask him a real question! Repeat after me: Dear junkie, will you be my boyfriend? Wait, that's not good, it sounds like a letter. Still, it could be better."

"What could be better?"

"Writing him a letter."

"This isn't the 80's, you grandpa!"

I got up, carrying the plate to the sink.

"Sure, be picky and stubborn, but remember that the longer you wait, the more likely it is that he does not reciprocate your feelings so you're just wasting time torturing yourself. Or someone else might confess instead. Worst case scenario, he could fall in love with someone else too, you know?"

Something within me got rattled.

"That's why I told you to test him a bit!"

I snapped, throwing away the rest of the food, and starting to wash the plate.

"Every day there's a chance I'll end up in prison, but that won't be the reason why, kid."

"Fine. Never mind."

I left the clean plate to dry and almost ran to my phone.

Nothing. I thought, staring at the black screen,

"Namjoon."

"Yeah?" I looked up at him.

"Do you like him?" I suddenly remembered his face stained with tears and the way his lips felt against mine. My chest felt tense immediately.

"Yeah." I admitted, immediately looking down.

"So, what's the matter?"

"He's always high." I started, unable to look him in the eye or stop holding the phone with a death grip.

"I'm not sure if I've even ever met the real him."

Fred just tilted his head and rubbed his eyebrows, yet I continued, unable to stop myself.

"Let's hypothetically assume he says yes. And then what? He might dump me when he's sober. Maybe he doesn't even like me. What if he says yes only because I'm his dealer? That's even worse than flat-out telling me that he's not into guys at all…"

The fears that I didn't realize I had, before I started talking, had rushed out like water released from a dam.

He stood up with the plate and passed by me quietly.

"If that's the case, then he's not the person for you and you're not the one for him. That's the risk you've got to take...but not risking anything... means you'll never get a chance to be with him or you'll never get closure."

"But…" He cut me off.

"And doesn't that mean that you've lost the game just because you refused to play in the first place? Not because you didn't stand a chance?"

I left feeling smaller than I was when I arrived.

I wanted to wait for his sister to get home, but I couldn't stop thinking about my grandma, therefore, I made him promise he'll bring her to our restaurant next time.

I came home at a normal time and cooked her dinner.

"Didn't the nurse give you breakfast and lunch?" I asked when I heard her stomach singing high, starving sounds.

"She did. I don't know why I'm especially hungry today."

"Let's eat a lot tonight, then."

Grandma stopped asking about my bruises and injuries. Instead, she made a lot of jokes about them.

"You should put some blush on the other cheek. It looks like you haven't been taught how to do your makeup properly."

I raised my eyebrows at her antics but still, I wished she would've taught me how to do makeup so people wouldn't stare as much.

"Shouldn't you teach me how to apply concealer properly in this case?"

"Didn't I always tell you that the more colorful, the better? Would you rather look like a ghost?"

She chuckled. I shook my head.

We had a quiet and normal evening together, but my mind wandered between him and my parents. And I couldn't figure out why I was thinking about them so much all of a sudden. While I made sure grandma was comfortable and warm, I realized their similarities.

They're just people that I can't have.

I couldn't fall asleep, so I stopped trying after a while. I snuck into the kitchen and decided to have some calming tea.

But he's still alive. I thought to myself as I picked up my phone.

While the water was boiling to hell and back, forgotten in the old kettle, at exactly half-past one o'clock on a Saturday, I called Jungkook to talk about something more than drugs.

And he answered.

"Hi."

"It's Namjoon."

"I know."

"Were you asleep?"

"No."

I turned off the stove and breathed deeply before asking, "Can you come over?"

He didn't respond right away. And I've touched the wrong part of the hot kettle, burned myself, and yet, the only noise he probably heard was the cold water flowing on my hand. I didn't even complain or make any noise to indicate that I got hurt at all just so I wouldn't spook him.

"No one's home, so I can. But…why?"

A minute must have passed... maybe two or three, but no words left my mouth.

Why can't I make something up? Why didn't I think about it before I pressed call?!

"To help me with …homework?" I tried, awkwardly. He started laughing right away.

"You're asking me? What the hell?"

"That was a poor excuse, wasn't it?"

"It doesn't even make any sense!" He kept laughing while I smiled unconsciously. The relief washed over me in the sweet and refreshing embrace that was his laughter, while the ice had melted between us. "Sorry," I said, but I don't think he heard me.

"No? Seriously, what happened?"

"I just wanted some company," I said out loud without thinking.

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm…but it's so cold at night. Can't you come here instead?" All of a sudden, I felt the need to pick at my nails.

"I can't leave my grandmother alone."

"Oh, I forgot. Sorry." I turned off the water and sat on the floor with my back against the kitchen cabinets.

"So?" I insisted.

"What do I get?"

I was surprised by the unexpected playful tone.

"What do you mean?"

"I want a reward."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Surprise me."

"Fine." That's all I said as I started to rack my brain for anything that he'd consider rewarding.

"I'll call you when I'm there so I won't wake your grandmother. See you in a bit."

And just like that, he hung up on me.

I looked at the little piece of technology in my hand as if it was something I have never seen before.

He's really coming... shit.

I darted into my room to check if she was sleeping and I got out some thick clothes, blankets, and heating pads before going back out to the main room. I dropped everything on the floor, plugged in the heating pads, and changed my clothes. I forgot all about the tea and instead, I searched every cabinet and corner for something he'd like.

Why don't I have anything sweet? Well, it's cold. Should I make him some soup? But there's no time for cooking.

I went into the yard with my phone glued to my good hand and paced back and forth until my feet were hurting.

Weed? Is it a reward? Or perhaps something to drink? Sake or wine? Maybe if I heated it a bit… do I even have any?

I went back in and found a bottle of wine and some cinnamon sticks. I threw them in a pot at the speed of lighting.

Won't he think that I'm trying to get him drunk? I turned the stove off.

I've got nothing else. And if he doesn't drink much then it'll be fine. I turned it back on.

But if I ask him out and he says yes, only because he's intoxicated...' Off again.

Fuck it. I need a drink. He can just pick something else when he gets here. I left it on and walked away.

I kept looking for something else but ran out of time.

What does he want from me? I'm broke. I pondered as I stared into a refrigerator, only containing some vegetables and meat that I bought specially for my grandmother.

I added sugar to the wine in an attempt to pass it off as a dessert. I ended up having two cups before he arrived.

At first, I drank it to make sure it tasted good since I added more spices, but then started panicking the more I stared at the clock.

"I'm here." I could hear his voice coming from both the cell phone and outside the front door.

Now what?

The locked door was mocking me.

"Just a second," I said while I hung up and continued to stand completely still.

Just take it easy. This is no big deal. In the worst-case scenario, he calls me disgusting and runs away. I took the deepest breath I could physically take and opened the door.

I was greeted with a trembling version of him; disheveled hair, a pinkish nose combined with his tiny head coming out of the oversized jacket, as I was hit with the strong, unusual wind during this time of year.

I can't do this. Grandma is in the other room. Why do I want to just tie him up and do h...

"It's weird. The wind blows only once in a while, but the air is just too cold." He came in with his hands in his pockets and stuck himself to the hot stove.

The fact that he whispered before I told him to, made me think of keeping him as a friend in case everything went to hell.

I locked the front door.

"What's this?" He asked, pointing at the wine.

"It's your reward."

"Warm wine?"

"Mulled wine. Do you want some?"

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" His diabolical smile reminded me of the moment I strangled him without mercy.

"It'll warm you up."

"Is it sweet?" He smelled it audibly.

"Yeah." I got a cup and offered it to him.

"It's surprisingly good."

"Why is it so surprising?"

"You don't look like you're good at cooking. I don't mean to offend you though."

"I can cook a lot of stuff... but only if there aren't a lot of steps to the recipe, then I can do it. Like real simple."

"It's good, but it needs more sugar." I tried to take his cup, but he softly slapped my hand.

"By the way, why were you all alone?"

"Oh, my brother is sleeping over at his girlfriend's. Like he always does."

I took his jacket and watched him pour more wine and sugar. I left it as I hung his coat.

"Man, that's better! I was hoping you'd bake me something, but I got here quicker than I thought and... Oh sorry."

"Ｗhat?" I looked around and I was unable to find anything worth apologizing for.

"Was I too loud? Shouldn't we just go outside or something?"

"It's okay, just try not to shout. She took her pills, so we'll be safe for a few hours. We can though. After the heating pads are charged. "

"Ah, that's why they were plugged in. Good call." His words were a bit slow all of a sudden.

"No more wine for you." I took the cup from his hand and drank the rest. "Oh, God, it's too sweet." I stuck my tongue out trying to give my mouth a break from raw sugar that didn't have time to melt.

"But I'm finally feeling warm... By the way, what do we do if she suddenly wakes up and comes here? Do I pour the wine into the sink or something?"

"Don't worry, I swear she won't…" The wine helped since we talked about school, food, his family, and the club. We ended up sitting in the courtyard with blankets on the lawn, drinking a lot of reheated mullet wine, and making full use of all the heating pads.

"It's like a picnic after midnight, if only I had any food." I was thinking out loud, slightly drunk. And he was rolling himself a joint at this point. I assumed it must be because he was getting sober.

"If the wind blows, you're fucked." I let him know with a chuckle.

"Are you feeling lonely now?"

"What?"

He licked the paper while I almost twisted my neck to look at him.

"You said you wanted company."

"Yeah, I don't... I feel better now. Do you want me to go get you a lighter?"

"I've got mine. Do you want a hit?"

"No, thanks."

"So... you're gonna tell me what happened?" He asked, inhaling deeply and then holding it in.

Does he know? How? Did Fred get in touch with him? But, how? And why?

"Tell you what?"

"About the fight."

"Huh?" He exhaled and pointed at my bandaged hand and then at my bruised cheek. "Ahh, that. I was only protecting myself."

"Naturally. But you said you don't want to lie about it, which means you've lied to everybody else. So why did you do it?"

"Because… I was…I am... ashamed of myself."

"Did you lose?" He smiled as his eyes turned redder by the second.

"No."

"Then?"

"I…I didn't want to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Hitting them." I didn't want to look at him, but the silence that followed spoke volumes. He smoked a little more of it.

"So what?" He left the blunt next to him and then stretched before he continued, "Didn't you say that we have all our addictions or things like that? I mean, you didn't seek them out and started beating them up for no reason, right?" He turned to look at me with two big red eyes.

"No. They're the ones that came to me and started it..."

"Right. Then everything's fine. If you only liked the adrenaline while hitting, well, you should join the boxing club or something like that instead of wasting your time with ours."

"You're high," I concluded out loud, smirking.

"You're drunk." He grinned back before putting a hand around my shoulders, probably to comfort me.

He was looking ahead. I was, however, looking at him.

Don't do it. Don't touch him. It's too soon.

"Why did they do it?"

"They didn't believe I wasn't selling any of the hard stuff..."

"Aaa."

"I scared myself a bit…I think." I said, remembering the look on my face through the reflection in the window.

"You know, you were a bit scary that time too, in the bathroom…"

Shit.

"I'm sorry," I said right away as I felt my whole body tense up. The terrain felt harsher than before, even if I was sitting on at least two blankets. As if the cloud that we've been floating on has petrified itself.

He kept leaning on me until he held on to me instead.

He looks as high as that time…

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to but what was it that got you so angry with me?"

I decided to ignore his warm breath on my face by looking at the moon.

"I don't remember."

"You liar."

"I mean it."

"I don't like you. You're a liar." He tried to push me, but he fell on his back instead.

"Why?" I asked, genuinely concerned.

"You choked and face fucked me until I thought I was gonna die and you won't even give me a good reason for doing it?!" He was making sounds that indicated his annoyance, but I couldn't think of anything to say.

"I thought it was obvious."

"It wasn't. It's just, all of a sudden, you went all berserk on me and…" He explained, moving his hands around, hiccuping.

"And then I kissed you." I went on, forcing myself not to say anything else while looking anywhere else but at him.

"Yes. You make zero sense." He kicked the blanket childishly but continued lying down. "I don't understand what I did wrong…"

"Did you like it?"

"What?"

"Did you like to be kissed by me?" I shouldn't have looked at him after asking that. Maybe one of us could have made a joke out of my question if it didn't sound dead serious, however, our eyes met. And Jungkook's parted lips and red cheeks made my tummy feel warm.

"I was scared, I thought you were gonna strangle me to death..." his voice was just above a whisper, but his hiccups got stronger. I could tell that he was suddenly aware of his body when he brought his hands to his sides.

"Answer me."

He looked away and tried getting up, but I just pushed him back down as I pretty much got on top of him with the carelessness that I obtained from the mulled wine.

"Namjoon, what are you doing?"

"You've been... pleasing me once a month for two years," I started without knowing where I was going with it.

"Yes, but…"

"And yet you get shy when it comes to kissing or doing something else."

"It's not the same thing…" He stopped hiccupping and then tried getting me off of him, but I just held my ground and pinned his hands, slowly but surely while I was talking.

"I know it's not. That is why I want to do more. I don't know about you, but I like to... kiss you and I like to talk to you...and..." I leaned down. Closer.

His scent continued to give. To invite me in. It was like the smell of the most delicious food floating around when you're starving. Even if the food could refuse to be eaten... I was afraid I couldn't resist his taste, but I was waiting for his answer out of curiosity. The red eyes, half-opened, fixed on the hand that was now over his.

"We can't…"

"Why not?" My voice was as low as his. Afraid I'd scare him if I spoke louder.

I leaned lower, breathing next to his neck, jaw, and mouth.

"I am not good for you. Or anyone. I am sick most of the time…" I started laughing at his weird attempt at putting me off.

"Let me be the judge of who is and who isn't good for me, Jungkook."

"But it's true and I'm also… I've never done…more…"

"I can teach you." He turned to look at me filled with surprise. And then he looked the other way swiftly.

"Namjoon, the truth is, I'd rather not talk about it…"

"If you don't speak now, then keep your silence forever."

My head was spinning.

I tried to push him further by letting my weight, do its job. Our bodies were kissing even if our lips remained separate. He shifted under me as if he was uncomfortable.

"The truth is that I don't think I'm gay. Ok? I have nothing against gays. I'm not sure how I feel about it myself, but…I don't want to lead you on, or…"

I smiled. A smile that was broad and painful. I was grateful that he didn't dare to look at me. Then I could keep smiling on my own.

The wind was blowing softly, the crickets were singing and the moths kept getting burned as they touched the light bulb over and over again.

No matter how many times they got burned, they never learned their lesson.

"I can help you find out." That was all I said.

He innocently asked how, mostly to himself.

I just started kissing the side of his neck as if I was bewitched. Yet, I could feel him shaking under me.

"Namjoon, we shouldn't…"

I reached his collarbone, where I licked, sucked, and bit. When his breath began to sound faster and stronger, I thought the corners of my mouth would rip my face in two.

I wasn't sure if I was happy to have him under m or because he didn't curse and hit me. I didn't know what it was that made me smile, but all I knew was that I didn't want this moment to end. So, I continued to mistreat his neck and dared to peck the corner of his lips too.

"I think that's eno…" His voice died when I licked his earlobe and bit hard. I was pleased to hear him moaning for the first time. His eyes got bigger in shock. He genuinely tried to get me off him with what I realized, was his full strength.

"Just...st..op..." I freed his hands, but I didn't move a single inch. I was above him, one hand on his right, the other on his left.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I don't know…I…" He pushed my chest away and seemed like he was about to cry, but this time it wasn't because of fear.

"Are you disgusted?"

"No, but…"

And that was all I needed to know.

I kissed him again.

No. I attacked his mouth and every corner of it until he ran out of breath and saliva was dripping down his cheek. Our tongues danced around each other until they intertwined.

When I finished licking every part of his mouth and tasting his tongue, I leaned back and saw that he didn't open his eyes even as his hands were still in front of my chest.

It was a bad attempt at keeping me away, even if it was just for a few centimeters. A string of saliva connected us for a second while we were both trying to catch our breath. Then I did the action that I was so afraid of. The one that has made me drink after a long time of sobriety.

I used my leg to separate his legs. I saw his eyes snap open while my hand traveled between his legs and groped his genitals.

"You're hard." I thought I said it in my head, but the look on his face made me realize that I said it out loud.

The skinnier and shorter man tried to push me off until he was too tired to keep pushing.

His body's response made me bite my lip and suck his tongue like a hungry animal. I violated his body through his clothes, by touching and squeezing anything I could. Every curve and every bone made me rub against him harder. I started to thrust unconsciously through my now, tighter pants. As I squeezed the back of his neck, I remained dissatisfied.

He was moaning without meaning to moan. He was trembling from all the touching and groping. Or maybe because he was scared.

I couldn't tell which one.

But I wanted him to be unable to move, speak or think.

I was in love.

I was drunk.

I was addicted.

I wanted more.

I have to stop. I kept hearing this thought for what could have been, at least half an hour, but my body didn't listen to it.

The more he reacted, however, I almost considered doing it. I thought I could allow myself to rip his clothes, taste every inch of his skin, turn him around, and do him without mercy.

The simple thought of his crying out of pleasure and pain brought electricity through my veins. But I stopped my hands from wandering and opened my eyes so that I could merge into reality again.

What I saw next was a teary-eyed virgin boy with bruised, swollen lips covered in hickeys and trembling from every joint.

I'm freaking him out. He'll never talk to me again…

But before I had to face the reality of my actions, I allowed myself to steal one last, innocent, kiss. Then, I leaned back and sat down in front of him. Leaving him plenty of room to get up. He didn't move for a while though.

Jungkook seemed to be staring at the sky in a beautiful daze. He continued to breathe irregularly as he stood up and yet sat back down before me. He didn't say a word. He looked at me with incredibly messed-up hair and swollen red lips.

"What?" I asked, in an attempt to lighten up the mood. But his eyes looked like they were about to pop out and his body was still slightly shaking.

"Are you cold?" I covered him in a blanket and then I tried to fix his hair.

"I'm not cold." He suddenly got up, so I did too.

I thought he'd leave, but he didn't.

He got his blunt off the ground and lit it up. I waited behind him with my hands in my pockets. He was smoking quietly while I was burning, on the inside.

I couldn't see his face or anticipate his reaction.

But after a while, he turned around and his face revealed… nothing.

His eyes were larger than usual and the small wounds I left behind shone with fresh blood in various shades of red in the light of the moon.

"Well, now you know." I heard myself say it like I was talking from within a dream.

I knew that he didn't know what I was talking about so I clarified what I meant.

"You said you were confused if you could be gay…"

He absently nodded.

"It hurts."

"What does?"

"My neck, my lips, my tongue, and…"

I smiled as he looked down, shocking himself and me, by admitting to me that he was still hard. His face revealed that right after he spoke.

"You must think I'm a fool."

"No. I don't. I still like you." I confessed one more time and watched his smile fade as if the wind were slowly wiping it off before he turned shy.

"Oh."

I approached him and wasn't surprised when he took a step back.

"I'm sorry, we can take it slow. I can…take it easy." I whispered while he seemed to be staring at my hands.

"I'd like that…"

I ignored his shivering and grabbed him by the shoulders before hugging him strongly.

He didn't respond.

Even so, I demanded:

"Be mine."

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.