Agree to Burn

AN:Hi, just a quick reminder that anything that is in italics is a phone message. Although, I think it will be obvious, I just wanted to make sure there is no misunderstanding.

'Should I ask?'

The restless leg earned me a furrowed brow from the female colleague from the right.

'No. That's a bad idea.'

I meet her judging eyes for a brief moment from the cover of my bent arms that kept slipping over the small desk because of the sweater's fabric and then sneaked a quick glance behind her. Two desks down, Namjoon was writing without even looking at his notebook while attentively staring at the talking, pacing teacher.

"… the first exam will be…"

'I should wait. But how long was it? Five days of school, two days off, and then three more. Just ten days. Ten long…cursed…' I thought.

"You should all start recapitulating everything that you've learned so far. Forget about learning new…"

'I didn't finish studying. And if I do get a passing grade in math… like the bare minimum...yeah, right. I find it in me to even care about it…that's not good…I need to get my shit together and fast.'

"Psst. Pshh."

"…you should all be aware by now. There will be no cell phones or bags allowed so don't even think about cheating as an option to…" The teacher lifted a finger as she passed by the desks.

'But if they care about the years, any years…in any exam then I'm done for. Well, besides the year that horrible guy was born in. What year was that? What was his name? Ok. Can't remember. What letter did it start with? Ah, no. It's because I'm anxious. Right? Why can't I at least remember th…'

"Psst!"

Someone actually touched the back of my neck, but I was too absorbed in my thoughts to flinch. Unsure if I should respond considering the guy behind me has barely said anything for years, besides: "Hi." and "Do you have a pen?".

'I've only got one, you leech.' I thought as I glued my back to the backrest, giving him an open view of the one pen that I was now holding without no intention of jotting anything down.

I blinked and a piece of crumpled paper fell from the top of my shoulder, into my lap and rolled right onto the floor. Coming at a stop when it was entirely out of reach.

'Oh well.' I thought and returned to my usual sleeping position.

'But if I ask Namjoon for a pill or some green now then there's like ninety-nine percent chance he'll refuse. And if he gets upset again, then I might as well try my luck with the dealer who got me some when we broke up. But that guy's stuff's so weak after the first one…'

"Psst."

'Maybe it's better if it's almost useless? Oh man, if only anyone would be partying right now, I could use it as an excuse... Or a club? But that might be dangerous.'

"Pss…"

'And Namjoon won't let me out of his sight anyways. So, all I can do has to happen during work hours. But what chances do I have of getting another dealer by walking around in broad daylight? That's just stup….'

"PSST!"

"What the fuck do you want?!"

The room went completely silent.

"Jeon Jungkook, for what reason are you yelling in my class?! Or is your future not important enough? Or the future of your classmates, who you are interrupting, by swearing no less."

I got up on my feet, biting the inside of my cheek and feeling the burn of the female classmate as she stared at the cheek she could see. Appearing more intense than that of the now, angry teacher.

"I apologize, Mr. Choi. It won't happen again."

"It better won't. You think I don't see you, dozing off all day, every day? Thinking of god knows what? If your parents weren't so indifferent about your education, then I might've been a little bit tougher, but it seems like…"

"I've already apologized, didn't I?" I spat, glaring at the floor as one last attempt at self-control.

He clicked his tongue, leaving the book he was carrying down onto the big, dark brown desk, and then calmly saying: "You used to be such a shy, polite kid. I don't know what…" I looked up and for whatever reason, all that came out of his mouth after he was unable to keep looking into my eyes was: "You can sit down."

The lesson continued as if nothing had happened.

But the urge to run out and not look back was stronger than ever.

Ten minutes later, when the class was over and before the guy behind me walked out of the room, he answered my question: "Read the note."

I looked at the paper that had been stepped on by one of the classmates and yet didn't reach down. Pretended I was looking for something in my bag. But truth be told, I was merely waiting until everyone was gone so I could pick it up. Namjoon looked at me funny, but then left like the rest.

'Chemistry lab? It can't be him again…but what if…'

Backpack in hand, I peeked around at the almost empty hallways looking for none other than my boyfriend who had texted me the second I hesitated if I should go left or forwards. As if he could read my thoughts.

"Who annoyed you during class?"

"Ah, a guy who just doesn't understand that I don't buy extra pens just for him."

"Hmm. By the way, I got to go to work now. Are you free today?'

"And tomorrow. They hired someone new so the students have more time to study. The boss was very understanding... somehow…it was borderline creepy. Why?"

"We got nothing to eat."

"What do you want?"

"You're asking that as if you can cook more than three things."

I wanted to argue, but then admitted defeat and typed back instead: "True. But which one?"

"Meat would be nice. Wouldn't it?"

"Do we even have any?"

"I'll go buy some and leave it in the kitchen. Don't let it cook by itself while you're looking at the tv. That's how you always…"

I wrote what I was sure he was currently typing but faster:

"Burn it. I know. I won't. What hour will you be back?"

"Why?"

That question had me dead in my tracks, though I was ten feet away from the chemistry lab.

"What do you mean, why?" I sent the text and immediately regretted it.

"You want to know how fast you should fall asleep again?"

"You 'worked' for a whole day and then came back at midnight. How is that my fault?"

"You told me you were awake ten minutes before I got home."

"And I also told you that I was tired!"

"And I also told you that even if it hurt in the morning, you seemed like you were enjoying it during the night."

"You…"

It was all I got to type because there was no insult that could describe it, so while I was pondering, he just texted:

"Liked it."

"We agreed not to talk about it anymore."

"No. You agreed that you won't talk about it anymore. I agreed to never bring it up only if you told me the name that I've asked for 1000 times already!"

"What's the point?! What will that do for you?"

"Keep me sane?"

"Too late…"

"Wouldn't you want to know who claims they know about the person you know it's x-x, but it's suddenly not? For some ungodly reason…"

"Look, it doesn't matter. Just let it go."

"Fine. Then stay awake."

"Couldn't you have asked that from the get-go?"

"I could've, but then I don't think you would've listened to me."

"You know what, Namjoon, you're really…"

There was the sound of something breaking from inside the lab, but I looked down at the phone without hesitation. Not caring even if the snake broke free.

"I am a what? Or are you afraid to be awake during the night with me now?"

"Just because I said I've enjoyed it... it doesn't mean you didn't exaggerate with…everything."

"I told you, that's the way I like it. Just the way you liked to keep drinking until the last drop was gone."

'Shut up already.' I thought.

And looked at the screen until he texted:

"Nothing to say to that? It seems I've won. Again?! How unusual."

"Shut up."

"Four out of five, was it?"

"I hope you're happy with your silly little victories. I'll go burn your dinner and make sure to tell them to write that name on my grave before I die. Maybe. Bye."

I felt adrenaline kicking as soon as my finger pressed send. The phone vibrated in the tiny pocket exactly once after I've shoved it there just to hide it from myself.

Anxious and mad at the same time, I slid the door of the chemistry lab with a bit too much force, feeling like I could punch back for the first time in my life. In case this was a prank.

"Yoongi, why did you…"

"Don't talk so loud. You'll scare him. And lock the door."

I sighed, thinking that the more I stayed sober, the more insane, I must have become, since at this very moment, I was willingly locking myself in the room with a man that had a snake coiled around his shoulders and arms.

"Do you know his name?"

I shook my head.

"Bobby."

"Wow. That's the worst name a snake can have."

"There's worse. I think he'd hate being called something that'd be fitting for a rodent, or bird. Anything that they consider to be, you know, prey."

"I find the sight of the sunset behind you and the snake eyeing me like the prey that I am, fascinating. But you have the worst luck when it comes to timing. I've got zero patience today, so if you could just get to the point already, I'd gladly let you get eaten alone."

The smile was as faint as always, probably unnoticeable by a stranger, but it was there nonetheless.

"That's the point exactly."

I massaged the spot between my eyes quickly and then felt for the phone that buzzed the second time.

"What is?"

"Your patience. It's lacking cause you're sober. Aren't you?"

I looked up and felt my eyes hurting from how wide I've opened them.

"Drop it. I'm not doing this with you."

I turned around, ready to leave, but then I heard the few words that were capable of stopping me:

"I can spot you some."

The silence stretched and the snake hissed.

The sun seemed lower even though only a few seconds had passed and my hand was now off the jeans' pocket and in a fist instead.

"I must say, this is your worst joke so far." I informed him. Testing the waters.

"I'm not joking. I know a guy,,. And it might not be a good idea since the exams are coming up. But it would help take that edge you've bumped into, lately, wouldn't it?"

"Did he put you up to this?"

"Who?"

'Namjoon.' I thought but kept that name, a prisoner in the confines of my mind.

"You can do whatever you want, Jungkook. My only intent was to help ease some of those nerves before the exams. I know I could use a break. But if you don't want to, then…"

'I shouldn't. If this is a trap, I might be in for a second punishment. And this time, I might not get the mercy of the laced water. But if it's not then…'

"How do I know if I can trust you?"

"How do you know if you can trust anybody?"

I sighed and kept quiet while he put the snake back into its glass prison.

And felt sweat gathering from deep inside. Refusing to drip off.

'Ten days. I have to make it ten more days and then I can smoke as much as I want.'

"Bobby's so heavy." He stretched and then turned with curiosity," Oh, I forgot to ask. Do you want to touch him? If I am here, then I can make sure he doesn't…"

'I can't risk it.'

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass."

He shrugged and turned his back on me to close the lid and while he did that, I walked out.

Took four long steps and then checked the two messages I'd missed:

"I think you're just using this as an excuse since you'll inevitably burn the meat, but thanks for cooking anyway."

The second one was: "Meat's on the counter. Also. If you want me to listen to what you've retained during the three days of so much cramming that you were gravely exhausted by 9 PM then leave the book open on the table. Don't make me look for it or force me to decipher your writing. I know that talking out loud about that crap is embarrassing for you, but it helps…"

The third one arrived while I was reading:

"…you said that it helps you remember. And you still have to do it even if it's now or later. But earlier is better than later. If you want me to listen to you in a few days, that's fine too. But you should really wrap it up at this point. There's like a week and one day left."

"You mean a week and three days right, right?"

I waited, and then he started writing, and then I waited some more. Feeling like my eyes were about to pop out of my head.

"Aa, I knew you weren't paying attention again. Jungkook…they moved the dates, from Thursday to Monday. That means you've got two days less than before. Though I guess the exam day is also one-off. Cook quickly. Eat without me. And start studying."

'I should be glad…but...'

"Can't talk anymore." He texted.

"See you later."

That was all I wrote, but even my finger felt betrayed by the lack of reaction. My entire body was longing with forbidden desire.

'Two days less means I actually get to smoke faster. So, why do I feel more restless?'

Then the fact that I had been pretending to study for the past three days due to an increased need to escape was soothed only by a considerate amount of sleep due to unprescribed melatonin. It had me thinking that it was inevitable.

'I'll fail this time. Won't I?'

I sighed. Put the phone back in the pocket and went back to the chemistry lab with sure steps.

When I went in, Yoongi didn't seem very surprised to see me.

His lips parted, but I talked first and my words were fast since I didn't want to hear them myself: "Do you have any on you?"

"Aa…just a bit. Do you want it?"

"You said you'd spot me. I don't have any money now, though."

He shrugged.

"During the weekend, with some friends? To relax …"

"During the weekend, sure. But now? Do you have any green?"

"Just this much."

On top of some aluminum foil. It was right in front of me. Just a tiny bit of it.

'That's barely half a joint. That's nothing...what the…'

"Give me your dealer's number."

"No can do. My dealer likes to keep to himself. I told you, I'll get you some on the weekend. We'll chill with the guys, drink a beer…"

I wanted to scream, listening to the calm fantasy he was describing while all I could think of was the relief that green could give me if I was fast enough.

"Where?"

"Do you know Macy's place?"

"Who?"

"The unturned stone? The pub with another floor on top?"

"Never been there."

"I guess I'll pick you up at the red and green market then. How does eight on Saturday sound for you?"

"See you then."

I threw those words, grabbed the foil ball from between his fingers and walked out once again.

Exited the school slowly and then walked faster and faster as I got near Namjoon's place. I played with the ball inside the pocket of the jacket all the way home. And when I let it go to touch the gate, it hit me: 'I have no cigarettes. And I've used the last of my money on melatonin and freaking, orange juice.'

The clock was ticking so the guilt I had while searching for any cash through Namjoon's clothes was somewhere in the corner of my mind. But I knew how to shut it up.

'Is there a safe under the floor or something? Not even change…'

Ten minutes later, I was opening drawers. Twenty minutes later, I was searching through book pages.

And while the raw veal meat was sitting untouched on the counter, I rolled a joint without one drop of tobacco and inhaled it inside his house, and exhaled it outside of it.

It was like magic.

Whatever remaining cravings I had about that bitter water was gone.

The world was bearable and it wasn't turning anymore. The clock froze and I was incredibly happy that it did.

I didn't need any heights of ecstasy, nor the gratitude I had for breathing air.

None of that mattered anymore. I didn't even cough after not smoking for so long. I inhaled it so deeply and held it in stubbornly. So long that the joint was no longer lit by the time I looked at it.

Used another match and after failing to light it up with the third one, I realized how slowly I was moving.

The past was gone, the future could wait and the present was nothing, but my dark little bubble that smelled too strongly for it to be a soap one.

It didn't take long to finish it, but I wanted to be sure I enjoyed the little bit of heaven I got while I had it.

Then my heart started beating faster.

Firstly, I threw the evidence over Namjoon's fence, right into the shadows of the forest from behind the house and buried the burnt matches under the trash that already was in the garbage, and then watched the foil go down the drain of the toilet.

Only to cease movement when I caught myself in the mirror. The little veins that were redder than usual were the last obvious evidence. But I managed to somewhat convince myself that those would be gone by the time he returned.

I turned on the Tv on the first music channel I could find and then rested my head against the wall with my eyes closed.

'I've missed this so much. Why was I even trying so hard? All I need is a mediocre job that can let me buy this forever. I don't care what the hell I'm doing for half a day if I can come home and just… do nothing.'

But the peace was short-lived cause as much as the calm songs mellowed me out, the sad ones made my chest constrict. Every word arose so much suppressed emotion from within that I turned it off with desperation.

Then the thought of the exams returned along with the silence, and the realization that my family would not allow me to live like the bum that I was inside.

Nonetheless, the one who should think that I, at least, failed or miraculously passed fairly was Namjoon. The safest anchor that could keep the wreck that I was trying to keep hidden, afloat.

I checked the clock and swore.

Opened all windows and doors as if I had smoked a lot despite knowing the smell was probably gone by now. I grew paranoid with every passing second, so I decided that if I wanted to enjoy some future heaven that I had to sacrifice this one and cook the meat instead.

'I wish I could go to sleep…But if I were to do that, he'll get upset again and I can't have him get upset. I need to keep him happy. To keep him happy I need to…'

My high mind made me loudly slap the slab of meat two times before getting it out of the plastic bag and staring at it. Wondering what should I do next.

'Cut it? Heat up the pan? Do both? How can I do both? Don't I need to season it first? Need to pay attention. Pat attention. How long have I been staring at it? How long has it been? Is it night already? Is Namjoon going to find me staring at the wall like a …'

The phone started ringing so I ran towards the table with the uncooked meat still in my hand and answered it without checking the name first.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hi. Kwan?"

"Hi, Jungkook. I know it's late, but I called Namjoon and he's not answering his phone. So, I thought you may talk to him sooner than I will, since you know…I have to turn my phone off in half an hour or my mom will have my head on a stick."

I faked a laugh that I hoped was drowned out by her real one.

"Talk to him, about what?"

"Oh, right. Studying of course. Do you think he'd be willing to help me with math this weekend? I am sure he's busy as well, but I need some confirmation from someone smarter."

"Confirmation, for...?

"I want to confirm that I don't have impostor syndrome. Do you know about it?"

"How should I know?"

The sudden silence had me realizing what I had just said, which had me plummeting butt first on the floor and abandoning the meat on the table without thinking. Rephrasing everything:

"I mean, how should I know if he's free or not? I'll have to ask first."

"That'd be great. Thanks. And Jungkook?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright?"

"What do you mean?"

"You sound weird? Are you tired or something?"

"Yeah. I've been…studying a lot. Couldn't sleep and all…that."

"Me neither! I swear, I wish I could just press the forwards' button. Like in a game. And just to get it over with."

"Me…me too."

'Do I sound high? Can she tell? She knows, doesn't she? No. I'm just paranoid again. But even if she does, what can she do?'

"But you should try to sleep. New information is being processed during sleep! So, don't just eat sugar and study, okay? Take care of your mind and body."

"I will. You…too."

She sighed as I glued my hand to the sticky meat.

"I'm trying my best this time. But it's so hard. Like who decided that everything should happen in one day? If everything was spaced out properly then I think I wouldn't freak out as much."

"…"

'How long did this conversation last so far? Did a lot of time pass and I didn't notice? What time is it?'

I glared at the meat and got up in a panic. Feeling cold all of a sudden only to realize that the wind has been blowing straight in my face for a while now since the back door was wide open.

She went on: "But it's also good that it's just one day and then it's over. We'll be free to do something else with our lives!"

"Finally. Right?" I heard myself saying the words from somewhere far away.

I was holding onto the phone with one hand and turning on the stove with another. Letting the pan heat up, while wondering where the good knife was.

"Right. Though I guess I should let you be. Sorry if I started rambling, but I've been going a bit crazy lately. All I do is go to class, eat, study and nap. I don't think humans are supposed to live like this."

"It's like they want us to lose our minds." I uttered those words to her, but I was mostly talking to myself.

"Exactly. Anyways, I won't hold you up any longer. Please text me if Namjoon answers you. I couldn't exactly text him since mom might be able to tell it's a guy from his reply. I saved him with a girl's name, but still…"

"Don't worry. I'll ask him for sure."

"Thanks again. And good luck with the exams! In case we don't see each other until then or during it, since there will be a lot of…"

"Don't worry, Kwan. You'll see me," I mumbled, again, without thinking, cutting the meat so slowly that I could feel the adrenaline-raising at the thought of what Namjoon might think if he came in and saw the back door and all windows of the house swaying along with the wind..

"How come? When?"

"Oh, I…mean. During the weekend? I might ask him to help me too. With… math?" I lightly slapped my forehead at the stupidity that came out of me. Forgetting what I've said a minute after we had exchanged goodbyes.

The meat was frying by itself while I was closing every single open window. Trembling.

The temperature of every room had dropped., but I didn't think of grabbing a blanket, so I just stood by the tiny fire and sizzling oil with my hands outstretched, in a poor attempt to warm them up.

I then dared to look at the clock through hazy vision:

'It's already eight-thirty. Ah, but the meat's almost done. I can relax.'

I ate while other pieces cooked and then hopped in the shower as soon it was all done, hoping it would wash any remaining smell away. And the moment I heard him talking on the phone in the other room, I froze.

'He said he'll listen to the lessons I've learned. And I didn't refuse. Even my thoughts are slow…ah, he'll get upset. Not only him but everyone. I'll just fail. I just have to fail and then I am free…I have to accept it that somehow and…'

The door to the bathroom was opened and the cold air got in immediately, but I didn't dare speak in case my voice would sound weird and pretended to sound and look busy with washing myself.

"It's nice to see you awake and standing."

I nodded through it was only after a lot of seconds had passed that I've realized that the curtain must've prevented him from seeing that.

"How was work?" I asked as he was washing his hands.

"Kind of annoying. They all want pills now since it helps them stay awake or whatever. The young ones at least. Did you eat?"

"Yeah."

"But you forgot to leave the books open on the table."

"Yeah…"

"What are you on?"

"What do you mean…?"

His shadow drew closer and closer. And under it, I found myself unable to think at all. Feeling conscious of not only of my body but my probably, still slightly red eyes.

"What lesson? Page? What do you want me to help you with?"

"Nothing," I mumbled.

"What?"

"I think…"

"I couldn't hear you because of the shower, Jungkook. Say again?"

I dug my nails onto my wrist and forced myself to speak up.

"Eat first. I'll show you after I get out."

And the shadow was smaller and then gone.

"Alright. Thanks for cooking by the way. It looks good."

"No problem."

As soon as the door was shut, I slowly went on my knees, letting the water drip straight onto the back of my head, thinking:

'I need to come up with something. Ah, but maybe I'll remember some of it? I can tell him that I was learning something that I already know. But I'm still a bit high, so I won't be able to remember anyway! Not all of it…Not most of it…Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.'

I hit the bottom of the tub lightly. Closing my eyes. And I stood there for as long as I could. Hoping that would clear my head.

But the second I stepped out surrounded by steam, I felt the whole room tilting to the right.

Namjoon opened the door of the bathroom when the towel that was about to go around my waist was still in my hand.

"You've been in there forever. Just wanted to check if you're fine."

"I'm fine," I whispered, not moving a muscle.

He nodded, and then shut the door.

But I caught the second in which he looked me up and down.

'I should just distract him from…' I shook my head, refusing that option and wrapping the towel tightly instead. I brushed my teeth thoroughly. Pleased to see the whites of my eyes for the entire time.

He was washing the pan I left on the stove when I walked into the bedroom without making a sound.

His backpack was by the closet, almost entirely unzipped. For just a moment, I was curious. But then I heard him coming in and felt his arms around my waist. He then planted a quick kiss on my cheek.

It was there and then it was gone.

He was changing the sheets for some reason as I quickly slipped on the warmest clothes that I could find.

"Want me to dry your hair?"

I nodded without thinking and then avoided eye contact as Namjoon blow-dried my hair while I stared at the tv without really seeing it.

"Don't you want to cut it?" He suddenly asked as he lightly combed a part of it.

"I thought you liked it long."

"I do. But it's getting out of control. You have a few knots too."

"Aw. Don't pull on it."

"Untangle it yourself then."

He handed me the comb and I did just that. With almost the same amount of pain involved.

"I don't want to get a haircut." I confessed after he parted my hair and tried taming it with the palm of his hands.

"Then don't. I was just asking in case it bothered you."

"It doesn't."

"Ok." He laughed at my decisiveness and then cupped my cheek, saying: "I think you'd look pretty even if you were bald."

"That's bullshit and you know it." I squinted judgingly and only then realized, he had been staring exactly at my eyes for a while now.

'Are they red? Did he see? Shit…'

"What's wrong?" He asked when I looked away.

"Nothing."

He sighed and then fully sat on the floor, trapping me between his legs.

"Did I go overboard with my request?"

"You said the meat was fine."

"I mean, by asking you to stay awake until I'm home."

"No…that was…reasonable."

"Then why are you upset?"

"I'm not. I'm just… tired."

"You can go to sleep then, but you're really running out of time. Do you think you can get passing grades at least?"

"Not at everything."

"Math and history?"

"Math and history." I repeated, hanging my head low in defeat.

He laughed softly and I felt my chest warming up at the sound of it.

"Come on, bring the books. I bet I can help."

"No," I mumbled.

"Jungkook…" His tone was like that of a parent, talking to a child.

So, I whined honestly: "Noo…I don't want to. I really hate it. I hate those so much. No. I hate studying anything. I hate everything…I just want it to be over…"

I didn't realize how I ended up with my head in his chest, but I did. One arm around me and the other caressing my head had me relaxing just like the joint had but in a different way.

"I know. But it's almost over. You're so close. Don't give up now."

"But I already gave up." I was surprised at my own honesty, but even more, I was surprised by his reaction.

"But I can't let you give up so easily. You tried so hard until now…and even if you fail, you can always try again. Nothing you learn now will be wasted."

"But it will…"

"Why are you saying that?"

I rose my head from the comfortable warmth of his shirt and saw his lips first and then his eyes next, looking down at me.

"The moment I'll start smoking again, I'll forget everything. And I don't think I can hold on anymore. If I fail. I fail. If I pass, then I pass. I'm not taking it a second time. I don't …care…"

"Jungkook…this is your future…"

I cut him off.

"What future? I don't have a university in mind, hell, I don't even have a job that I want to do. I don't have…anything else…"

"But one day you might. And when you do, you'll be grateful for the past you who…granted the present you the possibility to choose."

"I'll just take any exams that will make it possible then. If I do."

"Jungkook." My name slipped off his tongue and the hand went from my head to cup my right cheek. Our lips touched for just a moment before they parted.

"If you really feel like you can't study like nuts anymore. Then take it easy, rest, and do your best when the doom's day comes. But at least, put your best foot forwards. Don't go there thinking you'll fail before you even see the sheet."

I lightly nodded, when he continued: "I don't get why we're even talking about failing. Did you already forget all the studying you did for the past months? All the sleepless nights?"

"I think I've already forgotten everything I've learned."

He looked puzzled.

"I mean it. Once I stop studying and do anything else, it's like someone else has that information."

"Then just switch personalities."

I lightly chuckled.

"I wish I could, but I doubt I can."

"Just do your best."

I sank into his embrace once more and wrapped my arms around him as well. We just held each other while sitting on the floor in the light of the tv and the dead trees in the background of the see-through door.

"It came to me now so I'll tell you before I forget; Kwan's called me." He said after a long while.

"Oh right. She called me to ask you if you can help her study this weekend."

"Why did she call you to ask me?"

"She doesn't want you to text her."

"…and why not?"

"Her mother might figure out you're a guy from the pressure you use when you type or something."

"Too bad her mom doesn't know that I'm the last guy who'd touch her daughter."

"…I think she's just worried…in general."

"Of course she is. Having a child's tough. I should know…"

I looked up, trying to look as annoyed as possible. Saying:

"I'm not your child, Namjoon."

"Thank God you're not."

"That's not a nice thing to say either…" I crossed my arms and leaned back. He kept me still by the sides of the arms, smiling.

"I mean, if you were my kid, then I couldn't do" He leaned forwards and slipped his tongue between my lips," …this."

I closed my eyes on instinct, feeling my cheeks heat up. My whole body felt like it was on fire without the help of any magic water. I just let his tongue move mine slowly until he pulled back.

'Why did you stop?' I found myself thinking, and mentally slapped myself after.

"That'd be really gross," I said, trying to end the silence and to distract myself from the loving stare he was bathing me in. Feeling guilt in the pit of my stomach after my brain reminded me that I had talked and made plans to meet up with someone I shouldn't even have had looked at today.

"I'd deserve to go to jail." He whispered, clearly without thinking while he pushed the hair out of my eyes.

"Stop it," I mumbled.

"What?"

"Being so…"

"In love?"

I felt the burning sensation spreading from my cheeks, down my neck.

"Yeah. It's freaking me out."

"But I missed you…"

"What are you on about? You saw me every day. We slept in the same bed…"

"I'm sorry if I prefer you awake, looking and talking to me."

I could feel the tension rising but it then deflated the moment he went on asking: "You didn't?"

I quickly turned to look at his pained expression and felt something in me rip in half.

"I did…I…"

"No. You didn't…you were avoiding me even though you said you liked it…"

"I did!"

"Then why don't you want to talk about it?"

"Because…it's embarrassing."

I looked down, fondling my clothes, and then felt my whole body turn cold with fear at the words: "You only liked the water. Without it. You would've hated me right now."

"That's not true," I said, calmly.

"At least look at me when you're lying."

I looked up, upset, tears coating the edges of my eyes.

He kissed the tip of my nose.

"It's fine to admit it. I won't get mad. Just be honest…"

"I don't know if it's only because of that. I never did it like that or in any other way…I would've liked if you were gentler, but…"

"But?"

"Not now…"

"Of course, not now. It's late, we have school, exams are soon… but why do I not…"

His hands stopped touching me and I instantly panicked.

"You know that I'm scared to do anything sober. Even going to school is completely different. Doing anything is…It has nothing to do with you."

"I know. It's all about weed."

"No, it's not all about it. It's just…"

And I couldn't come up with anything and in truth, I felt ashamed that this man wanted to have me in his arms for hours while all I wanted was to smoke before and after.

"Look. Jungkook. We don't have to do it like that ever again. Maybe on my birthday if you feel like it. It's fine. I received the message. You're not a sexual…being."

"I am." I quickly argued.

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop lying?"

"When did you start assuming that I'm a liar?" I spat; a bit too loudly.

"If you're referring to the 'research' you did, then don't. It has nothing to do with it. Besides, I can find that out on my own."

He got up, so I followed him.

"Then what's it about? If I say I want to do it. Then I do. Just not now. What's so hard to understand about that? And why can't you just forget about that name?!"

I expected the same anger I had to reflect back, but all I was met with was sadness.

"Jungkook…when was the last time you kissed me? On your own accord? Or the last time you told me you wanted to do something together?"

When I failed to answer, he went on: "The last time you touched me without me touching you first? Actually, I don't even think there was the last time. I'm the one who always initiates anything because if I don't…nothing will ever happen. Will it?"

I felt like I was being shattered, trying to think of a moment when I actually came onto him, but my mind was blank.

"Just because I am not used to doing that doesn't mean I don't like you, or like it when you…"

He cut me off.

"I know. You're not a sexual person. You like kissing and cuddling. It's fine. I told you that I understand that now. I'll do my best to keep my distance. So, stop worrying about it."

"But it's not true…I…"

"Jungkook. I know you can't see yourself but if you could, then you'd see a deer in the headlights. You know I'm right. You just don't have the same urges I do and that's fine."

"But it's not fine."

'I hate that you don't have the same urges I do either.'

"I'm not saying we'll never do it, I am not saying I won't come onto you, because there will be many times when I won't be able to stop myself, but I won't punish you like that again. We'll just talk it out instead. Isn't that what you want?"

'How can you be fine with it when I am not?'

"That's your addiction, isn't it?"

"Huh?" He chuckled, grabbing my hand in his and holding it lightly. "Addiction? I wouldn't call it an addiction. But it is what brings me the most pleasure if that's what you mean."

"You think about it constantly, and you think that if you never did it again, life would be worthless. That even if you only do it one more time then it's worth any price?"

"…Jungkook, I don't think it's the same as…"

"But it is…tell me it is…"

He was silent for a long time while I hoped that I broke through. I went on the second he looked away with a smile. His lips parted, but I spoke instead:

"I need you to be more selfish."

The smile disappeared, and eyes went wide. I continued:

"Because I need to be more selfish."

"You want me to just take you whenever I want, however I…"

"Yes."

He smirked with incredulity.

"You don't mean that."

"I do. I'll allow your addiction if you allow mine."

"I never…disallowed it, Jungkook. You were the one who said you get sober at the end of each year to study."

I swallowed. And looked down when the eyes that showed obvious hurt met mine. He almost turned around, but I kept holding onto his hand tightly.

"I want more."

He released his hand with force and covered his eyes. Walked a few steps only to halt as if he had to put distance between us.

"I knew it. We shouldn't have gone to that party together. Mole was right? Just a few pills and you want something stronger? You want to get high until you forget who you are all day, every day in this house, and you'll just let me fuck you senseless when I come home in exchange? Wondering if you'll overdose during or after? Is that the relationship you want with me? No. Is that the life that you want?"

'I don't know.'

"That's not what I meant by more."

"Then what?"

"I don't want another drug. I just want to be able to smoke around you without feeling ashamed."

"I told you that you could. You are the one who hid as if it wasn't obvious that you smoked daily! Why are you blaming me for your shame? I never told you to stop, or hide! Jungkook, you did everything on your own. The only thing I ever asked of you is to stay away from a rapist and from Yoongi because trust me, he's not better than he was before. That's it! And that's not for me, it's for you."

I ignored the pain and kept pressing, thinking I will burn those bridges when they came.

"I know. I just feel like I'd be able to do that if you were more open with your addiction."

His mouth was aghast for more than a minute and then as if something clicked into place, the eyes got clearer and a step was made towards me.

"But you won't take any pills, powders, or…"

"No! No."

"And you will go to a university? Any college, just anything?"

"As if I can escape it? My parents do suddenly start behaving like parents the moment I screw up. Didn't Jung tell you?"

He turned his back to me as if he was conflicted.

"I won't judge you if you don't judge me."

"I've never judged you." He turned with fire in his eyes, but I didn't buy it.

"Namjoon. As much as I'd like to believe that. Even an addict can't understand another addict that likes another substance than the one they prefer so…I am sorry, but our addictions are as similar as the sun and the moon."

"Then you are going to judge me."

"It depends."

"On what?"

I took a step back myself and scratched my forehead as if that would erase the memories of the time that I'd licked my own cum off the wall behind me.

"Of what I'll have to do. I mean if I smoke enough, I'm sure I can withstand almost anything besides …being mutilated or…"

"That won't happen! And the point is that I don't want you to be a vegetable that just endures it. I want you to enjoy it."

"I will if, I don't know…there's nothing too weird…"

"Jungkook. I like to fuck and that's it. I don't need you to do anything that weird during it, though I'd like you to stay awake for longer than a few hours…"

"I'll try..."

"So…"

He suddenly exhaled a lot of air, paced back and forth, poured a glass of water, drank half of it, and then handed me the rest. I drank it even if it was hard to swallow.

"Let's sit."

Namjoon did just that, head against the bit of wall by the door while I turned the tv off, despite the fact that I hadn't heard a word they had said the entire time it was on.

I sat next to him and for the first time, scootched closer without him pulling me, touching our spread legs, and resting my head on his shoulder.

He clasped my hand in his and talked only after a few minutes.

"This is just about frequency then?"

"I guess."

"You want to smoke more often, and you will let me do you more often? Is that the deal you're trying to make?"

"I think so…"

"But you smoking more often doesn't affect me. Well…I take that back; you won't be talking a lot or very clearly all the time and you will be a hungry mess and…"

"It will affect some stuff."

"Though I guess a pill every three months won't hurt when you're in pain or something. But no. it's not the same, Jungkook. My addiction involves your body…your whole body…"

"Yeah, but I am sure that you will let me rest when you go overboard."

"And I am sure you will listen to me when I will tell you that your brain needs a break to inhale some fresh air."

He nodded and specified:

"But we'll do all of this after we pass our exams and get into some kind of universities that will be close to one another?"

Yoongi's face popped up in my mind and I pushed it away, biting my lip, saying a conclusive:

"Then it's settled."

"Kind of."

But neither moved.

We just stood there, my right left touching the side of his left, hand in hand, head on the left shoulder while breathing the same silent air.

My eyes grew tired so when I saw nothing but darkness, I thought:

'What the hell did I just do?'