Double-Edged

"Why do you look more or less...happy?"

I couldn't miss the judgment from Donavan's tone, which is why I paused lock picking Mole's front door with a sigh. The flashlight of his phone illuminated the ground for a moment before he moved it back up.

"Why wouldn't I be happy? My lover and I are finally in a good place," I pondered on that statement and then added a low: "Kind of." And continued louder, "Fred's alive. And I've even helped someone...detox. Nailed the exams. Helped the world be a better place by helping a sinner repent. All in less than a week."

"Sinner...what? You did what?"

"Charity." He was more baffled now, so I blurted a linear:" Doesn't matter."

And went back to work on the door.

"...but you're about to hurt someone and you're this...calm. How old are you again?"

I sighed louder.

"Donavan, if you want to wait in the car, I will not hold it against you. I can do this on my own."

"No! I'm not scared... I'm only a bit surprised. And worried."

"Are you... now." It wasn't a question, but he was too freaked out to take it as anything else.

"Yes! What if he fights back? What if there's more than one inside? There are only two of us. I don't like that."

"Mole is a smart guy, Donavan, I'll give you that. But he's not a fighter, nor is he willing to put someone else in danger besides himself after...putting everyone he's ever loved in nothing but danger."

"Like who?"

"No one tells you anything?"

He shrugged.

"It's better that way. Anyways, don't worry. I doubt there's someone here to back him up after choosing the wrong side anyway."

"You mean the other dealer?"

"Yes. I mean the other dealer."

"What did they call him again?" He scratched his face with his phone.

"Cockroach." I let him know, a bit irritated by the sudden lack of light.

"Right. Remind me how did he get that name so I can make a sneaky joke to the doctor who'll fix my leg."

"And it's open." I quietly exclaimed a second before the door made a clicking sound, and went on, "He's chosen it. He didn't earn it."

"But...why?"

"Because cockroaches survive after a nuclear bomb or something. But I guess he's missed the fact that they have to stay in hiding in order to survive. Meanwhile, he was running around the surface like an idiot. Eh, that's what happens if you don't earn your second name, I suppose."

"Still! That's a drug lord's name."

"He was not a lord. Although I guess a cockroach lord fits. Alright, phone down, gun up. We're going in,"

"Okay. Get behind me."

'I really don't want to, but fine.' I thought.

A part of me assumed that Mole's already darted using a window while I got the door to open without damaging it. But the plastic that covered our shoes was giving our exact positions away with every step.

I took one glance at the narrow, dark corridor and the window at the end of it and could've sworn that when I came here first, it was through another door.

But I kept telling myself it was irrelevant. That he was aware that he'd get caught no matter where he ran off to. He knew that even if it was me or someone else, Fred will make sure he was done for. He could buy himself some time or he could...

A deafening sound, followed by an ear-splitting scream.

And blood sprayed from Donavan's back. Drops landed on my clothes and face before he collapsed by the wall and rolled around filled with newfound pain and despair.

"Really?"

I inquired sarcastically, watching Mole pointing a small gun right at my chest with trembling hands while Donavan was reaching out his hands towards me, probably expecting me to ease the pain of getting shot with some comforting words.

I pointed at said hand lazily, deadpanning:

"The guy's got two daughters. They're really young. And he already got shot today or yesterday. I'm not sure. But you just ruined another family, Mole. Good job. You've got some shitty divine gift if you ask me."

All the courage that he's been building up was getting chipped away by the second. Perhaps, because of my lack of fear or due to the blood that was flowing out of the man's body, creating a pool under my feet. Or perhaps, it was because of what I just said that he dropped the gun and keeled next to Donavan. Apologizing profusely and sweating like a pig.

"I had to... he had a gun and I thought...and... I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I am INNOCENT, I didn't do anything! I..."

'I think this works out great for me though. If he's found here with Donavan shoot only once, then it's a home invasion. Self-defense from both parties. So clean. No traces. The police won't bother investigating further.'

Through the pained sounds from Donavan and miserable sobs from Mole, there I was, staring at both of them, thinking out loud:

"I really wanted to torture you though...and now you've ruined it."

Mole turned at once, eyes wide, lips quivering. He spotted Donavan's fallen gun with shaking pupils. Since it wasn't too far from him. He was reaching for it slowly.

Until I stepped on that exact reaching hand.

"Ahh! Namjoon, off, please! Nam...Boy!"

I clicked my tongue and put all my weight into that foot instead. Fingers cracking under it. High pitched howls covered Donavan's increasingly quieter ones.

"He was a good guy too..." I went on, looking at the man who was probably going to faint soon. "The type who'd give all the money he's made from all the illegal things he's done to his wife. Maybe, he'd go as far as to hide some for the future of his daughters under the floorboards. In case he, you know, he gets taken out by a selfish bastard like you."

"You can still save him! If you get him to a hospital! Quickly! You can do a good thing if you...AHHHH!"

I shifted the weight of my foot around, breaking every bone, while laughing so hard that I was almost ashamed to hear it getting echoed back to me because of the dense silence of the house.

"That was your genius plan? Man did I overestimate you."

"You really are a Monster..." He spat through clenched teeth and sweat-covered lips.

"Me?! You are the one who shoot someone else to get a reaction out of me! Just so you'd buy yourself time to shoot me. And if you weren't too chicken to shoot Fred's guy, then you would've used my empathy for another human being to get me out of your house, which is what you're trying to achieve now. And I AM the MONSTER?!"

"You didn't even blink!"

"Well, you see, I've seen a lot of blood from a very young age. But you...you keep making one grave mistake after the other."

I raised my foot off his squashed hand only to step on it again.

Mole screeched. I squatted to his level just to explain what led him to his demise: "You shot the wrong person. Since that guy over there would've taken me to the hospital. And that would've bought you a week, maybe. But you've never hurt the bad people. Nooo. You only ever hurt the good ones. Case and point. Look at me. Not bleeding out."

I spread my arms wide open and then grabbed Mole's sweaty chin when tears unconsciously started falling.

He spoke while I kept whispering the word: chicken.

"Take your gun out Monster. I don't care anymore. Just get it over with."

"Gun?"

I reached inside my pocket and showed him a shiny switchblade.

"I don't like guns. They kill too fast. No fun whatsoever. They also leave too many traces. Did you know that people always call if they find a gun since they're scared of them? Whether it's floating in a freaking river or laying nicely on a bed of flowers. They freak out. But knives? They're everywhere. No one bats an eye at them. Blood? It can be animal blood since that feels better to think about."

"You're going to stab me?"

"I know you, especially, despise pain which is why I'll stab everywhere But the places that'll kill you. Really carefully, so no one bothers to check if you've died from anything but a gunshot. Isn't that what you deserve? A long, painful death? But don't worry, after I am done, I'll shoot you with Donavan's gun, not yours, right where I've made the cuts. It will be as if he had shot you. He's avenged. And everyone's happy."

"Why...? Why?! WHY BOY? WHY? What have I done to you?"

"Here's the catch. If you tell me what you were doing at Cockroach's place, I might reconsider how you'll look like when your sister sees you in hell. Though after telling Jungkook to leave me, I'm not sure you deserve that courtesy. But let's see how you can change my mind. Now SPILL!"

He peeked at the gun. And that's the reason why I kicked him straight in the face. He fell backward, right beside Donavan. Kicked his gun at the other side of the room next and then squatted down while Mole was looking up at me, sobbing from fear, pain, or both.

"So? What do you have to say for yourself? Hurry. If you truly want to save Donavan's life. Still, I doubt that you truly give a shit. All addicts care about are drugs. The rest is all...a very poorly executed farce. Ain't it?!"

I grinned from ear to ear. Leaning it. Yet, naively hoping for just a second that he'll give me a good counterpoint, but all he said was:

"I wasn't part of it! I barely knew any of them! I swear!"

"Oh, is that so?" I mocked.

"YES! Our guy, Bud, quit selling. Ran away to Mexico or something so I..."

"Had to find someone else?"

"Yes. That's all! I swear on my sister's grave!"

I started pacing around, back and forth in the narrow, long corridor. He observed my every step with beads of sweat on his forehead. His face, lacking color.

"What you're saying, basically, is that instead of coming to me to get you another guy, you've found Cockroach in an ad or something?"

"No! It was that annoying brat...he's the one who gave me his number! I didn't call at first, but then..."

"You got desperate?" I faked a pitiful tone. But he nodded frantically nonetheless.

The black guy twitched beside us, and it got Mole's attention. However, it did not get mine.

When he turned his head to look, I stabbed him straight in the chest, pulled out the knife, and wiped the blood on his shoulder.

"AHHH!" He screamed extremely loudly, so I covered his mouth.

"Shhh. Now. Your neighbors might be far and pretty uninterested in your life in general, but you're going to pray that I don't hear one siren or I'm going to cause you amounts of pain in such a short time that you won't be able to wrap your big head around what's happening to you. Got it?"

He nodded while holding onto his bleeding wound. Now crying on mute.

"Good boy. Now. Who gave you, his number?"

"What?"

"Pay attention to me, Mole. I don't have all night."

"I'm...I'm sorry."

Tears mixed with the sweat. I clicked my tongue. Increasingly irritated at how long it took him to answer my questions.

'Is he thinking of a lie or is he just afraid? Which one...'

"Stop crying. Really. I don't like hearing people cry. Unless they're really pretty and hopefully, it's because they're in too much pleasure. And I'd rather hear your kind screaming, but alas, there are people not too far, but not too near to save you. So, it's a tough world for the both of us."

The weeping seemed to intensify again, which had me squatting next to him once more. Feeling like the darkness of the house was not enough to hide the malice that started showing on me.

"When? How? Who? Why? Faster!" I snapped my fingers in his face after every word and he nodded after every single one.

"After you've raped that boy... your boyfriend, Jung..."

My hand reached for his neck without thinking. The dull part of the knife got stuck in between my hand and the neck.

'Ah, no. I need to stay calm. Need to let him go...it'll show on his neck, and I need a confession or I'll get in trouble...mmm...let go...relax.'

He tried to apologize while coughing.

I somehow tore myself away from him. Pushing that memory down, along with the anger. Just enough to linger on the surface of my face but not distort it.

"That's the ... heh...simplest way to remember it. I did not mean any..."

"Who? Who the fuck?!"

"After he consoled your boyfriend, we had a chat when the both of you were asleep!"

"Michael?"

He shook his head.

"Johnny? No?"

He shook his head again. And then cried out a: "V."

"Bull-fucking-shit." I enunciated, dead behind the eyes.

"No. I swear! He told me he's got another dealer! But he didn't know much about him so he didn't have any details to give! He told me he knew him because..."

"He asked around, pretended to bump into him by mistake, and got his number?"

"Exactly! How did you...."

"That fucker's been really pulling my finger. He's really lucky that he's got that father of his, you know? Or else, I would've just..."

I mimicked a cut to the throat and Mole nodded fervently with a forced smile, as if he could relate.

"But that might make things complicated. Fred's not doing well right now so getting me out wouldn't be the usual piece of cake. Isn't that unfortunate? Alright, enough about me," I concluded, patting Mole on the head.

Threw Donavan a glance before asking: "Anything else you want to confess? He's probably down to seven liters by now and he's a big guy, so that's not much."

"You still won't let me go?" The wide eyes were nothing short of dumbfounded as I shook my head with a thin smile. "But I didn't sell for him! I didn't do anything! I was only buying when Fred's people came in to...do...what they.. did."

He covered his own mouth, knowing that him, witnessing Fred's punishment was far worse than if V did in fact steal Fred's possible customers for the Cockroach or not.

"See. I don't know whether you're telling the truth or not. I'm yet to verify your confession. But sadly, it makes no difference for you, personally. To be honest, you were in a bad place at the wrong time. I don't know what else to tell you. Besides..."

I swung to the other side of the chest, but stopped the second he yelled aloud: "Wait! Wait...Please boy! I'll sell for your boss if you want. I will become the best one of his lackeys. I will kill for him. Lie for him. Hide. I will do anything! Just please! DON'T KILL ME! Please...have mercy...on me, boy! Please...Please!"

He tried bowing, but since his chest was fucked, all he could do was to bend his head and most of his torso awkwardly.

"A junkie? Selling? Don't make me laugh. Do you even know how to do anything besides using the money you've got from your sister's prostitution? Or maybe you've used that up already. The bills you got from her organs, do still have any under your mattress?" He shut his eyes as if that would prevent him from hearing. "And you still have the nerve to ask me for mercy after you've made her life a living hell? If she could see what I am about to do, she'd prostitute herself for me W-I-L-L-I-N-G-L-Y!"

"Namjoon...I...promisse I'll..."

"Yes, you, look at you! Kill who? You didn't have the guts to shoot me to save your life! You've shot the easier target since you're nothing but a fucking coward, through and through."

"Boy, please. I've always liked you. I always..."

I started laughing despite knowing in the back of my mind that any minute wasted meant that those two little girls were closer to becoming a fatherless duo. But I couldn't stop.

I was buying time for something from inside my mind to differentiate the two worlds colliding into this very house. I couldn't have the red lake overflowing into the clear one. But that somehow happened without my consent. And the more I ingrained the fact that he was not part of the life I led in the daylight, the lighter I was feeling.

"You didn't like me, Mole! You were jealous of me. You still are. Jealous because I got close to Fred so fast, even if you've known him for so many years and yet!" I raised a finger with the same hand that had the knife. "He's never liked you. I don't know why and frankly; does it really matter? I'm really low on time and I wish I could get home to Jungkook before he falls asleep. So, if you don't mind...shut the fuck up! And die."

Knife blocking one of his eyes, he let out the words:

"That boy...I could protect him from Fred...in case he changes his mind about him...in case..."

Those words stirred something within me. Even though it was crazy talk, there were drops of truth in them that had my heart beating faster.

"Shut up."

"I can watch him twenty-four-seven, I can tell you all about Fred and his..."

I swung with precision, making deep cuts on every part of his legs just in case he wanted to move at all. Knowing that anyone would rather die than feel the pain of moving after that.

"Pleaehase...sto..."

And then stabbed the exact places that would not only kill him slowly but would slowly flood nearby organs. Enjoying every grunt and spurt of blood oozing out like warm tomato juice. With every cut, the screaming was turning into nothing but shallow breathing.

"...He...lp..."

His white skin was turning either red, violet, blue or black.

I got caught up in it. Forgetting to keep track of time. Forgetting about Donavan. All I could see was Jungkook getting sold somewhere without my knowledge. Entirely forgetting to make the cuts so slim that with a swipe of a towel, they'd close. No. I was digging in. Pulling out the nails and teasing the bigger veins. Piercing bone every time he fainted in order to jolt him awake.

"Ah, I had too much fun. Now it won't look like a thief sneaked in anymore...Fuck. Hey. Wake up. Blacked out already? You didn't lose that much blood. Come on! Look at my cuts. I could become a fucking surgeon if I wanted to."

There was blood. On the floor, on the walls, and all over me.

'Or a butcher...'

And yet all I could see was my dad's dying eyes.

But this blood wasn't him. And Mole had suffered enough. So, I got Donavan's gun and asked, a barely conscious Mole: "Any last words?"

All that came out of his mouth when he parted his lips was blood.

I spoke instead:

"I liked you too."

One shoot. Two shots. And then the sound of heels coming from the kitchen had me swiftly turning to the right to aim the gun at...

"Roxy?"

"Namjoon? Fred's Monster...right?" She stuttered.

"How do you do?" I asked casually.

"I...Where's Mole?"

If she couldn't see in the hallway, she could surely see the blood from my clothes.

"He's busy. Why?"

"Namjoon. Put the gun down."

"Mm..." I pretended to think about it and then childishly continued with: "But why?"

"I'm not your enemy."

"Why are you here then?"

"I was sent to help you."

"Hmph. You people need to stop being so funny. It's bad for me. Now get on your knees."

"Call him."

"Get on your knees faster and I'll make it quick too."

"Call Fred. Here. Use my phone."

She wasn't stupid enough to come and hand it to me. She slid it across the floor and put her hands up right after getting on her knees.

This confused me.

All I had to do was press 'call' which meant looking away from potential danger.

'God, I hate this more than death...'

I sighed, squatted, and pressed.

Fred answered almost immediately.

"Hi." I could hear it from the floor. I pressed the speaker button less rigidly.

"You've sent her?"

"Roxy? Yeah. She works for me."

I gritted my teeth unconsciously.

"Didn't feel the need to share that bit of information until now?"

"You went to those parties to forget about work, right? How would you feel if I've told you that I had someone watching your back and a very nice...lady at that..."

I picked up the phone and got blood all over it by turning the speaker off and pressing it closely against the ear.

"Why is she here?"

"Cleanup duty."

"And backup. Two at the price of one?"

"How well you know me, kid."

"She's a bit early for her job."

"I thought I can't risk anything else after this week... And you don't have a good record kid."

"I know." I heard something pop in my jaw from how clenched it was. "By the way, your chiseled friend got the short end of the stick."

"Where?"

"Chest? Stomach? I don't know. Hard to tell. But something must've burst."

A brief pause was filled by: "I'll send someone else."

"How many people do you want to see this?!"

"...how many...tan...lines are on Mole?"

"...lost count."

"Kid...You're supposed to make my life easier!"

"Where did you hear that bullshit? Kids never make the parent's life easier. "

"Fine! Not your problem. Just let her clean up like... the maid that she is."

'Maid? Ah, right. We're on the phone. This has to sound like a normal conversation.'

He went on: "She'll take you home after. And someone else will take care of ...the finer details."

"Are you home or nah?"

"...I am home."

"Has Mona changed personalities, at last?"

"I wouldn't know."

"What do you mean?"

"She left me, Namjoon."

The darkness in his voice was deep. The wheel was bottomless and my stomach turned.

The silence had Roxy shifting the weight from one leg to the other. The tall bun and the one strand of hair that covered a bit of her right eye annoyed me.

I shifted my weight too, feeling the blood sticking to the plastic.

"Do you want me to..."

"No. I know where she is. And my bet is that she's just upset."

"About?"

"Not keeping her posted? Forcing her to detox from...sugar like that? Making the love of her life pay for... that piece of shit man. I have no idea which one but it's one or the other."

"Well, good luck bringing her back."

"Thanks. Good luck with...the other kid."

"Even ice burns in hell." I shrugged. "Rain check on that drink though? My part in cleaning up took a bit longer than I anticipated."

"See you soon then. Oh, I almost forgot, how did the exam go?"

"Well..."

Roxy cut me off.

"It'd really help to speed things up if you'd let me do my job." She said staring straight at the gun.

I sighed and pointed it at the floor instead.

"Finally." She exclaimed and went back to the kitchen only to return with a bucket of what looked like expensive cleaning supplies.

'Did she come in through the window?'

"It went well for me. But I'm not so sure about him," I let him know, scratching my scalp with the gun.

"I'm sorry."

"What for? It's not your fault... He'll pass though."

"How do you know that?"

"Just a hunch."

"...Don't do anything stupid, kid."

"Me? Never. Good night, Fred."

"Night."

"And welcome home."

I heard him smile before hanging up.

"That was sweet." She said while putting on a plastic, see-through raincoat that ended just below her knees.

"If you don't think about it at all, it is. By the way, how many of these have you cleaned up?"

I asked, pointing at, hopefully, only one dead person.

"A lot?"

"How many of mine?"

"One or two."

"Which ones?"

"Why?"

She passed me by, to see in the hallway while putting on a second pair of white gloves. One of them fell from her hand. Mouth aghast, as she stared at Mole's disfigured body for the first time.

"What did you do to him?! Or ...why?"

"Not much. I was trying to make it look like a robber did it, in case he never wakes up," I pointed at Donavan. "And then...I got carried away...But judging from your face, I take that you've cleaned up only the clean ones."

"Clean?! What does clean, mean for you?"

"Shot. Mainly."

"Yes. All shot. My god. It's...I can't..." She made a wheezing sound, about to throw up, but then she averted her eyes and went to get the rest of her stuff.

"Can you do something to him?" I asked, staring at the white bag with flowers on it.

"My other secret job is not a nurse. So, no."

"Can you check if he's alive at least?"

She tiptoed through Mole's blood to get to Donavan's wrist.

"I can feel a faint pulse. But sometimes the heart keeps pumping blood, even though the organs are beyond repair. Can't make any promises. Sorry."

"Hm...I hope Fred's medical help gets here soon."

"I doubt it." She mumbled.

"Why?"

She started cleaning the blood around the bodies, but still, avoided looking directly at Mole's body.

"I've once told Fred that one of his men was still alive during a cleanup. It was like a mass shooting. I don't know what it was about. Because no one...tells me anything. But it was like ten people! That's why the cleanup took hours. I ate, took a shower, and made a call after. And no one showed up. The guy died, naturally. And it's not like I can call the ambulance since my job is to make sure that...no one realizes who the killer is and I know Fred... you know...doesn't like loose ends."

"Isn't your job to get rid of the body entirely?"

"No, those are the ones who come after me. Since it matters more if his people get arrested rather than if the guy's pronounced dead. Of course."

"Of course." I mocked without much irony. "...maybe I should take him."

"You can't."

"Why not? I can make up a story of him thinking it was a plastic toy that he f..."

She cut me off.

"I've asked the same thing after that incident since I felt guilty. And he told me that the doctors will call the police on me since you know, he's been shot. They're supposed to report those things. It will end ugly. You're putting yourself at risk even if it doesn't."

"I think he's past first aid though. And I really don't know how to pull out bullets without doing more harm...or how to stop internal bleeding. I only know how to cause it."

She chuckled, wiping the blood from the wall with some strange-looking sponge.

"There's something else I'd like to know." I went on, squatting beside her, lowering my mask.

"I'm listening."

She was squeezing the blood out of the sponge into a small bucket that smelled like chemicals. The liquid fell in, dispersed, and colored it all pink. As if the very bucket had a protective layer that did something to the blood itself.

"Did Fred tell you to flirt with me? That time in the car..."

"That? No. That was all me."

"Really? Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"You knew I'm selling drugs and that I also have to kill...sometimes... though I really hope this is the last one. I'm not exactly a fan of ending people's lives."

"And yet, it sure looks like you're passionate about it."

"Touché. But really...what the hell's wrong with you? And am I not younger than you like, by a lot? Is it polite to ask what age you are at this point?"

She stopped scrubbing and turned to look at me. Her crimson lipstick matched the inside of the sponge.

"Doesn't your boyfriend know you're a drug dealer?"

"Yeah, but he doesn't know that I've killed anyone. And I will keep it that way," I grinned with no joy.

"How many did you kill?"

"Not many."

She didn't look convinced.

"I mean it. I've beat up a lot of people. A lot of drug addicts that didn't pay for their fix to this day! But... I don't think that I've killed more than...a few. And all of those wanted to kill me too, so I would've either died or they would've died a few hours later."

I mimicked a balance going up and down with my arms.

"Didn't they want to kill you because you wanted to kill them too?"

"What innocent person starts pleading for their life with a gun, knife, or ...a hot iron?"

"A what?"

"That woman was tripping more than any other person I've ever seen. I still believe she thought that she was holding a shotgun or something. She most likely would've died from an overdose a few days later anyway, but who knows?"

I looked at the gun from my hand and then back up at the woman wearing a short black dress and red heels, wiping blood. And thought of Jungkook who was probably asleep by now.

"So, what's your damage?" I asked out of boredom, after pulling out a chair from the adjacent room and sitting on it.

"Uncontrollable attraction to powerful men. That's my best guess."

"You think killing someone makes you powerful?" I resisted the urge to laugh.

"More powerful than the ones who they've killed."

I tilted my head, not finding a flaw in that thought process.

"What else?"

"I don't know what else. And it's not like I have a thing for murderers or drug dealers. I've never been in a relationship with either one..."

"Who did you date then?"

"A lawyer..."

"Huh."

"An accountant."

I burst out laughing.

"Don't judge them! They're people too!"

"And a doctor. For sure there's a doctor or a banker..." I assumed between laughs, holding onto my stomach.

"A med student... but he dropped out, second-year!"

"You got a type for sure." I wiped the tear that formed at the edge of my eye.

"What about you?"

I leaned back.

"A woman and a man."

"That boy, Jungkook, and a woman?"

"Yeah."

"What did she do?"

"The same as Jungkook."

"Student?"

I shook my head lazily.

"Addict."

"Then...you like them? Addicts?"

"Not at all."

"Then?"

She started scrubbing the floor on her knees, backside facing me. Hence, I averted my eyes, pondering.

"I didn't know that she was an addict. She was young...I was young. I've only found out later when she no longer cared if she was showing me her...'dark' side." I made air quotations, even though she couldn't see me.

'I don't think I was in love with her as much as I was mixing up the happiness her presence bought me by simply getting out of the house and living like a normal person for a few hours.'

I continued: "Jungkook on the other side...well, I've liked him long before I'd even met her. We were much younger. Kindergarten young. And I am sure as hell that he wasn't an addict back then. He was so cute. Full cheeks. Round eyes. Always smiling..."

"Then it's just... a bad coincidence?"

"Real bad coincidence," I admitted, prompting my head upon my fist, elbow on my thigh.

"Which one do you like more?"

"Him."

"No...I mean...men or women?"

"It's not all about the sex. It's about the person."

"Come on. Of course, it's about the sex. I saw the way you were looking at him, how you were kissing him...."

"You watch people do it as a hobby too?"

I wondered, stretching.

"No."

"Just happened to get you in the mood, then?"

"No...I was quite jealous actually."

The scrubbing ceased for just a moment before the sound of blood being forced out of the wood continued. The smell of disinfectant was so poignant that it burned my nose.

"Didn't I make it pretty clear that I'm taken?"

"I know! I know...I am being overly honest. Sorry if it freaks you out, but I don't believe in telling someone you like them only when they're single. Life is too...short."

She made her point by carefully moving Mole's leg since she probably had to clean under it too.

"I did have my share of one night stands when I was single. But I don't cheat. Sorry. By the way, do you need some help?"

"If you don't mind? It looks..."

"Not at all."

I shoved him away carefully, but there was a trail of blood all the way to the other end of the hallway now.

"Don't mind him. The ones who'll take his body will take care of that. But they don't like to take care of the big puddles since they take longer to clean."

"Makes sense."

'House cleaners and bartenders won't look innocent to me ever again.'

"So, which one do you like more?"

"I already told you. And before you say it's about sex, it does matter who's reacting to what you're doing to them."

"You don't like things being done to you?"

"I do. I just can't ...seem to stand still long enough to let things be done to me."

She chuckled. The sound of her dulcet laugh filled up the silence.

"Sounds to me like you just need to be tied up."

"I guess." I shrugged. And then our eyes met. I looked away quickly.

I was about to pass her by when she caught the hem of my pants with her bloody gloves.

"Aren't you curious? Not even a little bit?"

"I'd rather tie him up than...."

"Maybe you've forgotten..." She got up. Straight on her high heels, knees dripping with blood, and black dress rolling up a bit too high. Soft thighs were hidden only by the now bloody see-through raincoat. "...how it's like to be with a woman. Don't you miss it?"

"Roxy. You might have something against gay relationships. But I'm not missing anything. You know why?"

"Why?"

I pushed her against the wall, leaned in, and put a leg between her legs before whispering: "You're just turned on by me."

"So?"

"Jungkook's never turned on until I touch him. And strangely enough, he blushes, wishing he wasn't hard even though he most probably already is. I wish you could see how cute...he truly is. But the way I see it, that's because something inside him knows that something isn't right. And there's nothing in you that's telling you how wrong this is. Which means that your morals are all fucked up. So, reconsider them. Make a list, go see a therapist... There's something that has gone terribly wrong if a junkie has better morals than you."

I walked away; hands buried in both pockets. Seeing him in my mind's eye clearly.

"You like the shy type." She concluded, sounding hurt but upbeat.

"It's not about being shy," I argued.

"Then what's it about?! I don't get it."

"It's him. His reactions, the way he's thinking, the...everything."

"I bet your girlfriend was the same."

"Not at all. She was the one who hit on me without shame. She's slapped me, yelled at me, hell, she would've beat me up if she wasn't like, half my size."

"Then you simply don't like me. Is that it?"

"You're...interesting. But I don't see you as anything besides a friend. Since I am already in love." She looked at the wall as if it was an enemy. "Roxy. Do you know what that's like?"

"Trust me, I know."

"Then you know how you can't think about someone else? That you don't see anyone else as a potential partner? Don't take it personally. And can you tell me how long until you're done? I want to get home soon."

"You said that he doesn't know that you also kill... sometimes."

"Your point being?"

"He wouldn't like that, would he?"

Heard her talking, but the new high-pitched tone was irking something inside my chest. Moving around. Causing small, yet domino-like disturbances.

I turned to look at her. Feeling my blood boiling and jaw clenching.

"I don't like being threatened."

"He'd dump you in a second. Wouldn't he?"

"Roxy."

"I know where you live, Kim Namjoon. I know how he looks like." She outstretched her hands, blood splashing on the wall she had just cleaned when she did so, "I know so much about you. Almost more than he does, apparently," She smiled without blinking. Knowing she was treading on thin ice. Holding a bloody brush next to the corpse of someone that I had just killed.

"You were so nice a few minutes ago when you were talking about your lawyer, your job, and..."

"I'll tell him. He'll leave you. And..."

I closed the distance between us with long steps to whisper in her face:

"And then I will murder you."

She seemed to have stopped breathing altogether. Her body was frozen, her jaw slack, and her knees pointed forwards as if that's the only way she'd keep standing.

I started clapping slowly and then faster. Her eyes suddenly realized how narrow this hallway was.

"The end. Is that what you want?" I casually asked.

"No." She swallowed dryly.

"Then what are you telling me all this for? What's with this dumb plan? Huh?" I tapped on my temples and then went on: "I thought you were smarter than this, sophisticated...but I am truly disappointed. Twice in a day, too. Pff, it must be something wrong with this house. I think I'll go home by myself, though I don't know if calling a cab here is good considering..." I looked at the floor and then back up at her.

"I'll drive you."

"Gee... you sure?" I bit most of the sarcasm down.

"Yes! Let me finish up and we'll go."

We didn't talk much after that. I passed the time by searching into Mole's phone before planting it between his ribs to make sure that the ones who'll dispose of his body, will obliterate the phone just as efficiently. I had Roxy check Donavan's pulse until it stopped. Walked around his house for a bit and then left before any of them could see our faces.

The less one knows about another, the better. All that everyone had to know was someone who knew Fred. And that was the extent of our relationship.

And the moment when we were both stuck inside her car, the tension was as palpable as the heater slapping me in the face.

"About earlier..."

"It's fine. You didn't mean it. You're probably tired. It's late."

"That was stupid of me." She continued a bit out of breath.

"Yeah, it was."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be," I mumbled.

And then she pulled over.

'How much patience does she think I posses?'

"I will never tell him anything. I promise."

"Great. Why did you have to stop the car to tell me that though?"

"I'll never do anything to hurt you."

"Roxy, where are you going with this?"

"I'll wait." She whispered, close to tears.

"Okay. Look at me," I grabbed her chin with force. Squeezing her cheeks together. "You think you want me. But you don't. A lawyer and an accountant, and what was it? I forgot."

"Med student."

"Ah yes. The best one." I stretched the corners of my lips and then dropped them. "I'm none of those. And I bet that you enjoy dominating them or whatever the hell you're into."

"I'm really good at that."

It was her turn to break out a smile that faded almost instantly.

"And I will never contest you on that. But if I ever let Jungkook dominate me that's because I feel guilty about something and only because he's submissive even when he tries to be dominating. But that's beside the point," I licked my lips because of the mental picture that the explanation came with. "We're not the same. That's not my kink. Or yours. And you don't have the morals that I seek, the morals that tell you that going for a criminal is not good for you. I am not in love with you and the chances of me falling in love with you in the future are pretty much zero. So, for the love of God, find a nice guy who you can tie up while he's awake and sober," I tapped her cheek after every example, "No drug dealers, no murderers, no thieves...no men that will for sure dominate you way better than whatever BDSM leathery induced dream you got going on." I was the one smiling for a moment now, "None of that. Stay away from those."

I let her go by pushing her back into the seat and mumbled mostly to myself "And you might live until you're sixty."

"If you love him that much then why are you with him? Huh? If you think that you're no good for him?"

'Because I can't let him go.'

"Ahem." I cleared my throat, "He's got his own...demons."

"I'm no angel either."

I resisted the urge to hit myself. And then she started trembling. Barely looking into my eyes and stuttering every word.

"I said that I am sorry, Namjoon. I won't do anything. I only suggested...in case you'll ever feel lonely. But if you won't then that's fine, just forget it..."

'Is she...'

She started driving again. Without as much as glancing my way.

And for the first time since I've met Roxy, I thought that she might have a cute side. Just for a second before checking my phone for any missed calls, only to remember that Jungkook had no phone to call me with.

"Can you drive a little faster?"

"Why?"

"No reason. Just drive faster."

'There are dogs watching my house, right? Fred wouldn't possibly let us unprotected after all that? Would he? Jungkook's fine, isn't he?'

That's all I could think about the entire way. So much so that I didn't change, considering that the clean clothes were still folded nicely, collecting dust in the back of Donavan's car. And that I was covered with blood after I took off the long black jacket Roxy gave me when I walked into the weed-smelling bedroom.

But because of pure luck or low tolerance, Jungkook was sleeping too deeply to hear or see any of it.

Regardless of how much I wanted to soak under the shower head for hours, I quickly got out and threw the clothes in the washer. Turned it on despite it being past midnight.

I watched the blood mixing with the soap duds through the machine's glass. And then slipped under the covers, entirely naked, next to a clothed Jungkook.

He was warm. And yet, I realized he mustn't have been sleeping long because the tv was on despite it being on mute. Which meant...

'Less than thirty minutes.'

"Jungkook... hey...I'm home."

I slipped my hands under his blouse and teased a nipple before kissing the nape of his neck while spooning him.

"Hmm..." He moaned, still half asleep.

"Wake up."

The sleepy eyes did open for me after I slipped one hand down his pants.

"You're not wearing any boxers. How come?"

"Couldn't find any..." He mumbled with two, half-opened red eyes.

"You're still high?" I asked and kissed the bridge of the nose.

He nodded weakly.

"How long ago did you fall asleep?"

"What time is it?"

"Don't know..."

He peeked at the tv and then whispered a confused "Not too long ago."

"Were you waiting for me?"

He hesitantly nodded.

'You liar.'

I smiled and stroked his soft cock lazily.

"Don't..." his hand tried to stop mine, which had me grinning.

"Why not?"

"We barely slept last night."

"Actually, I haven't slept for one whole damn minute."

"Exactly."

"So what?"

"Mhn..."

I covered his lips without being able to confess the fact that sleeping after I've just cut someone into pieces was out of the question.

I had to erase the memories since I couldn't get drunk or high because I might lose what little control I had left. Hence, I was forcing his tongue to move.

'I really didn't want to kill Mole, you know...'

I was somehow certain that no word came out the second he moaned when I squeezed his cock. Then I circled his hole with a long finger. He tapped that hand twice. Like a parent slapping a child's hand when they're reaching for cookies. Or a murderer, stepping on a hand when the victim is reaching for a weapon.

'But if I didn't do it, someone else would've anyway. And I can't exactly say no either. Fred doesn't like being told no. No one else should've known... And since Donavan's dead, that means that no one else...knows...Besides, where do you think I've learned the whole punishment thing, huh? Fred was consistent with it more than anything. And mom treated me the same no matter what which was...horrible...but consistent.'

I turned him on his belly, pulling the covers down, and then, his soft pajama pants. Exposing his naked ass to the shifting tv lighting.

'It's weird, but I've got this nagging feeling telling me that he knew Donavan will get shot. But no. That's not possible...Yet he didn't want anyone else knowing and he did send a limping man to protect...me...No. Fred didn't...Fred wouldn't.'

I shoved one long finger in and pushed him back down when he tried to get up.

"I'm thirsty." He complained, reaching for the water bottle that was too far for both of us.

'But that's something that Fred most likely did, and something that Fred would do. But now Roxy is the only one who currently knows that Mole did something bad for me of all people to end him. Roxy...will he kill Roxy next? Ah, it's not like I am in the position to help anyone else...How long until I am a liability? Fuck, I hope I did well on that fucking exam. I need to stop working for him as soon as...'

"Water..." He pleaded, but I responded with some spit and the head of my cock in his ass. "Ahh...wait..."

'If we'll only meet during holidays for the rest of my life, then for sure, I can't learn anything that'd get me shot. I just need to go to a university that's far away and get a normal, boring job...that probably can't pay for this house. Shit.'

"Will I be in his debt forever?" I blurted out by mistake.

"What? Forever what?"

"Nothing." And lightly pushed his head back on the pillow.

"Can you give me that water?"

"Aa, sure."

I pulled out since he was too dry anyways. And shoved the small opening of the water bottle in his ass and watched the water flowing in with childish fascination.

"Namjoon! Take it out! Out!"

"Shh...Here."

I handed him what was left of it. He analyzed it, undecided if he should drink it. And then poured it straight into his mouth without touching the edges. I smiled. Watching him failing to swallow fast enough, was cute. And I wasn't helping by sitting on top of his stretched-out legs and shoving my dick deeper into him.

"Ah...!"

He dropped the bottle.

'Do I have any other choice? But then I'd have to either get a really high-paying job and keep paying him gradually. Or work for him until I can give every cent back. This means...he's thought about this, hasn't he? The reason why he's always told me I should keep this house since that's all I got left from my family. My fucking...dead family.'

Some water spilled out. And the moisture coupled with my thrusts created weird squeaky sounds. But they were being drowned out by the languid moans.

'But the scholarship will help...maybe... I might have a chance in hell? And there won't be any big bills since no one will be using the water or electricity. But unless the university is nearby... And if it isn't then...'

"Slow down, please, ahh...you didn't stretch me out and it hurts...it hurts!"

"I'm sorry," I said while being entirely powerless to the feeling of my dick ramming against the walls of his tight hole.

More water spurting out with every thrust.

"Don't make me stop..." I pleaded afterward. To which he hesitantly responded, with full stops between words:

"I just want you to slow down a little bit."

I lifted up his ass. Hoping it'd help him somehow and shoved half of it in, only to pull all of it out. It was slower this way, but also deeper.

He screamed every time I went in and trembled after I pulled out.

'So cute.' I thought and reached down to choke him a bit when Mole's bloody face appeared right between my eyes.

That got me fucking Jungkook faster as a result.

"Sahh. Ah. Wait. Nam...Need ... to cum...ahbut...t hurts. Hold on. Pull...it out!"

He kept mumbling things while I was choking him. But all I heard was: 'I want to cum.'

So, I jerked him off while I was thrusting into him. His cock was already wet from the water that was spilling out his ass.

I found myself wishing that today has been a dream up to this very moment.

'Jungkook. The guy that you didn't let me choke to death, I've cut him up today. And I am not even sure that he deserved a painful death for being a coward. After all, I'm not much different from a coward. We're just afraid of...different things.'

"Sloah...mm...nam...hand...I...c...a..."

'But if I didn't do it someone else would've. And if I said no, I might've died too. Or he'd punish you to teach me a lesson. So, you see, I can't win no matter what.'

His knees gave out, as he slowly but surely collapsed before me so I couldn't keep jerking him off, but it didn't seem to matter since he ejaculated either way.

I could tell since his ass started to clench and release just like a vagina would while he moaned a long 'a' sound that died somewhere in the back of his throat, right before he went completely silent.

'It's a lose-lose either way. Oh, and I've possibly, most likely, screwed over your new dealer too. That stuck-up prick will probably break his cop bat on V's back. But I don't feel bad about that. Not in the slightest. In fact. That was the best part of today. That and...this.'

All I could hear was the sound of my dick going in and out. The white noise from the tv behind me and the wind outside, whistling, struggling to get through the cracks of the windows.

'Your body's so warm, plump, and...alive. I really like it...and I will do anything to keep it this way. I will be so good at it, Jungkook. But your insides ...I will make a mess out of them.'

He fell asleep after over one or two hours and only briefly opened his eyes when I turned him on his back and lifted his legs up. Resting them on my shoulders.

He didn't moan, he just breathed louder.

And then, the third time he woke up was because I was fucking him so hard that any human with a beating heart would've woken up. He did moan during that time. And even orgasmed for a second time before collapsing again.

When the sun was peeking through the windows, I started feeling bad for fucking him for so many hours.

Mostly because the outside of his asshole was red and my dick was hurting too. And I was only using his cum and my spit as lube at this point. Cause I couldn't risk stopping, but I couldn't finish either. I was chasing an orgasm that just wouldn't come while he was sleeping.

I woke him up by forcing my tongue through his closed mouth.

And made him moan by biting him. The neck, the lips, the jaw, the shoulder, and then pulling on a nipple until his fingers were tangled in my dark hair.

He was hard, but it was probably morning wood, so I ignored it.

"Namjoon...." He breathed out.

"Yeah?"

"Aren't you tired?"

This made me stand still while I pondered.

"Yeah."

"Then why don't you stop?"

"I didn't cum."

"Not even once?!"

The surprise had him wide awake.

"No."

"Aa...ah...why not?"

"I don't know..."

'I know,' I thought.

"Stop moving!"

He opened his arms wide to emphasize his complaint. But I went head first into them. They wrapped around me. I did stand still, although I wasn't planning to when I instantly allowed this embrace to happen. I wondered if hypnosis was involved.

Jungkook kissed my cheek and then hugged me tighter.

"It fucking hurts. No. I think it's not pain, it's...I can't find the words to describe it," He told me.

"What hurts?"

"My ass."

"Sorry."

"Doesn't... yours hurt?"

"It does."

"Then how about you stop for today?"

"I need to cum or I can't fall asleep."

"You might just not be able to."

"...I am." I argued, stubbornly.

"Then think of something that makes you cum."

"I was already doing that." I lied.

"What were you thinking about?"

I felt my dick twitching inside him and sighed.

"A lot of things..."

"Like?"

"I want to protect you." I heard myself confessing. And immediately frowned at the cheesiness of those words.

"Well...thanks. But how's that going to make you orgasm?"

"And fuck up your insides."

"I think you've done enough of that, big guy."

"I really wish you'd stop falling asleep when I'm fucking you. It's like I'm fucking a...dead person."

"I really wish you'd cum like a normal human being..."

I chuckled, and he chuckled.

And then I let it sink in. Caressing the side of his face.

"I am really fucking tired." I admitted, throat suddenly constricting. Then I felt myself welling up without a clue as to why.

Tears came out so I leaned down, soaking his clothed shoulder. He tried to look at my face, but I refused to let him pull me up.

"Did something happen?"

"I am sorry."

"Hey...that's my line..." He sounded concerned, but I couldn't find it in me to pretend.

"I really don't want to do it anymore."

"Do what?"

"All of it? I just wish I could get a re-do."

"Fred's fine?"

"He's fine! No one can fucking kill that devil. He's fucking immortal! He'll live more than you and I combined," I whined, hugging him tighter. While he caressed the back of my head.

"Namjoon...you almost sound like...like, like you wanted him to die."

I lifted my head from the crook of the neck and stared into space, wide-eyed with tears falling right onto his cheeks.

"I don't." I let out.

"It's fine if you did when..."

"No. Jungkook. Nothing's fine! We need to get away from this fucking place."

"Why...are you saying this all of a sudden?"

"Mona left!"

'Ah, that was when I've lost it. It wasn't Roxy or Mole, it was Mona...'

"So?"

"Fred kept Mona sane. Mona kept Fred sane."

"Wha..."

"Don't you get it? If she's gone, he'll lose his shit all over again. Last time, there weren't many consequences since she kept in contact. But now! It's not like she's left when everything's going dandy either. She's left when Fred has no provider. Since he killed him because he was the same provider to that shit face and he was mixing shit with lethal doses of other shit and then...Why am I telling you the shit that you're not supposed to know?! Fuck!"

I screamed, shutting my eyes. He put his hands up.

"Calm down...it's alright. I'll forget it. Ok? It's done. Everything you've said, erased."

I continued without breathing much:

"And if we want to go to any good school, I'll have to sell this house. But I don't want to sell this house! Despite everything, it's my home...my grandma...it's..."

Tears fell onto his face and yet, my dick was still half-hard inside him.

"I'll help you." He whispered softly.

"No, I don't want you to do anything!" I admitted, harshly.

I hid my face in his chest and let him hug me.

"I will. I will tell my parents that ...I've moved in with you. That I lived here for a long time. They'll throw money at you before I will even think of offering to pay my share of the bills. You'll see."

"I can't take your parents' money."

"I'm working. I will..."

"That's for your weed."

"I'll quit weed!"

"No, you fucking won't. You fucking, horrible liar," I curtly mumbled into his shoulder.

"Yeah... it's a good idea in theory, but I am not doing that again anytime soon."

We basked in silence for a while, heartbeat on top of another heartbeat, before voice barely above a whisper, he said: "I'll deal instead."

"I'd rather die." I declared sternly, yet honestly. Nuzzling at his neck.

"Don't say that."

"What you just said was equally retarded." I spat.

"We'll figure it out. There must be a way."

"Yeah. There's a way. Kill people and sell their organs."

A sigh escaped his lips.

"Let's think of actual solutions, please. Ahh, don't move."

"Don't moan!"

"I didn't do it on purpose! I can feel it, you know?"

"I can feel you too!"

"I sure hope so! Now, don't you have anything saved up?! You've been dealing since you were...how old?"

"Thirteen? I think... Maybe eleven?"

"Wow. I mean I thought you might've started out young but wow. How did anyone buy drugs from a thirteen-year-old?"

"I was tall, and there are things that hide your face. But that doesn't matter! I couldn't save a lot since keeping my grandma alive cost me a fucking fortune and what I have now won't make up for years of university!"

"Won't you get a full scholarship with your grades?"

"Depends on the final results..."

"And if you do get that, if you also get a job, and my rent, won't it be enough? We can save on water by showering together and I will eat less sugar..."

"No, you won't."

"Shut up! If I said that I will, then I will!"

"Yeah, sure, until you get the munchies."

"I will resist them..."

"You say that now only cause you're sober!"

"Then I will give you all of my shitty money! Just don't give me any."

"No fucking way." I shook my head and planted kisses on his neck right after. Cock moving a bit further up as well.

"Look...mhm..." He bit his lower lip and went on, "if you get half my rent, which to be fair ...I should've been paying until now since I've been living here for how long?"

"...about a year?"

"Really?"

"Less than a year? But more than half a year for sure. It all flew by so fast..."

"When's our anniversary?"

"Spring? Summer? I don't fucking know."

"Me neither."

We both went silent at the same time.

I wiped any tear traces and looked down confused because I kept getting poked in the stomach by something.

'I forgot he's got morning wood.'

"You only need to make half the rent. And stuff. How much is that?"

"Let's stop talking about this, Jungkook. I don't want you to help in any way..."

"No. Let's figure it out."

"I can't...I can't think straight..."

"I'll pay half the rent. And in case we have to go to some uni dorm, I'll tell my parents that I've lived with you for a year and somehow get them to pay half the rent anyways? I'll take a second shift? Get a job with you around uni? We'll figure something out, so don't worry."

"Are YOU hearing Yourself TALK?!"

"What?" He inquired; voice almost too low to be heard. Clearly oblivious.

"You have to tell your parents that you're gay in order to do all that. And not only that, you have to tell them that you've been living with a guy for months, which means you've been fucking with the guy you've brought home for them to meet," I pulled out and then went in twice to drive my point home.

"No, wait..."

"You've been lying to them on top of everything else and now you're going to ask them to give the guy who's deflowered their son money? What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"I have to tell them sooner or later anyway!"

"Just shut up, and turn around if you want me to stop fucking you anytime soon."

"Oh, just stop thinking about sex for one damn minute!"

"I would! Gladly! If only my dick would stop hurting like hell!"

"That's because you've been..."

I covered his open mouth with me. And somehow, that action made me burst into tears again.

"What the fuck!?" I asked myself, angrily.

"I never thought I'd see you cry..."

'I don't remember the last time I cried...and now... it must be the lack of sleep.' I assumed, and hugged him and lightly bit his shoulder. Tears watering the tiny wound.

"Honestly... did something happen yesterday? Where were you?"

Caressed his cheek and then kissed it. He seemed somewhat annoyed by that.

"Namjoon...what's wrong? You can tell me. You can tell me anything."

'No. Not this.' I thought.

"Oh come on, it's not like you've killed someone!" He added in an attempt to lessen the gravity of whatever he thought I'd done.

'But I did.'

"Did you beat someone up?"

"..."

"Tell me...it'll make you feel better. I won't judge."

"You have to promise me." I decided.

"What? How did we get to..."

I prompted myself up in my hands and looked down, determined, at a wide-eyed Jungkook.

"Promise me! That if you ever find out what I don't want you to find out that you won't leave me."

"How the heck will I know if I've found out what you don't want me to find out if you don't tell me what you don't want me to find out?!"

"You just have to tell me everything that you ever find out about me!"

"Is there an article written about you somewhere? How the hell will I find out if yo ..."

"Shut up, turn around and promise me."

"...you really should get some sleep...you're clearly delirious." He mumbled, pushing his chin into his neck.

"Promise me."

I wrapped my fingers around said neck without squeezing, locking eyes, repeating with a softer: "Promise."

"What did you do?!" He screamed.

"Fucking promise!" I screamed back in his face.

"Fine! I promise. Whatever you did yesterday will never be held against you. So, can you tell my parents I'm gay? I won't get mad in the future if you get my parents to accept my...wait, I'm not gay, am I? I'm bi. I think...Namjoon, am I really gay?"

I kissed him with a smile that made my chest ache. And yet, only half of me relaxed. Knowing fully well that this promise would not hold against murder. Nor against the hell that Taehyung will have to go through.

And yet, it was enough to have me swishing him around so I could move my dick in and out without him seeing my puffy, tired eyes.

He was not happy about that.

"You crazy...sex...addict..."

"Shut up."

"You were the one who...ah...not there...wait...ah..."

I was fucking his sweet spot and stroking his morning wood with one hand. Keeping the hair off the neck with the other so I could make circles with my tongue on it. Bite the same spot and then lick it. Again and again.

"You suck." He told me.

"I love you," I told him.

The silence filled my ears. And not the usual kind.

But I ignored it and just kept fucking him. Pretending that the words didn't hold much weight, similar to his insult.

Either way, he couldn't know if they did or did not if he didn't ask. But I knew that I meant it. For the first time in my life, I meant it. And I felt it deep within my core. Like a bleeding wound, bleeding out and affecting all the other organs.

The possibility of losing him to a mistake, or losing him because I got killed were both realer than ever before.

Possibilities that I didn't ponder on much until a dying man and a cleaning lady pointed them out. Until another guy got shot instead of me, and possibly, not by accident. Until I had to murder someone simply because he was at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

It was all about luck.

And I had been running on luck ever since my parents had died.

But suddenly I was scared that there might be some sort of expiry date and I couldn't bear to wait it out.

I slipped a hand under him, on his chest. Pounding him to the rhythm of his own breathing. Thinking:

'If I don't get to spend the rest of my life with him, I'd rather die right here, right now.'