Foot in the mouth

AN: This chapter is from Namjoon's perspective. And the next four will be as well.

'Bambi. He makes me think of a pink-haired Bambi.'

"Don't you like exercising at all?" Jimin asked.

"I like jogging and lifting heavy stuff. But dancing? Not my style."

"Did you take it seriously? Like the one time you've tried it?"

"Jimin…To begin with, dancing's not supposed to be an exercise." I sighed with exhaustion. His big pleading eyes did not help me say the swear words that I've been thinking for the past ten minutes. Thoughts got louder when he pulled me off the bed by the hand and started spinning me around.

I was getting real close to making a happy Bambi trip.

"See? It's fun? Isn't it?"

"Fun…" I mumbled. Eyeing the exposed skin through the half-open black and white striped shirt.

He kept moving my arms up and down, making me dizzy by turning us to the door and then back to the desk. And then he kept moving around until I was straight out nauseous. And despite my strong stomach, I freed my hands, took the necessary three steps, fell on my knees, and vomited in his university-provided trashcan since it was nearer.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" He was rubbing my back one minute later. Sounding all worried and sweet. "Do you have motion sickness, or…" But the rest of the question died on his tongue.

The hand that's been touching my shirt was now likely soaked from the cold sweat.

He got up and got me water.

I was shaking, head spinning, holding onto the trash can for dear life.

Wondering how Jungkook must've been feeling right now.

"Do you want me to bring some ice or I don't know, medicine?"

"You know that won't help."

"I don't know what you're…."

I cut him off roughly, snatching the water bottle from his hand, frowning.

"You fucking know that won't help."

"Oh. How many days are you…."

"I'll be fine. I'll heal. I heal quickly. Not worried about myself."

I kept my head above the trash can and stared at the clear liquid that came out of me for one second before my stomach didn't agree to that visual.

"Then are you worried about someone else?"

When I didn't answer and kept still for at least five more minutes, shaking and wishing I could jump out the window, he helped me lay down. And hesitated in taking off my sweat-stained T-shirt.

"May I…"

"Go ahead."

The faded scars I got from stabs and beatings had him open his eyes wider. Scars that Jungkook's never asked about. But that now seemed to have Jimin's hands trembling. The cheery music playing in the background seemed even more out of place than before.

"They don't hurt anymore. Not one's recent. I think."

"Good to know. Raise your arms? If you may."

He changed my clothes four times during that night. Got me to drink too much water. And went as far as to massage my aching muscles.

He was an angel.

So, I hated him.

Since I was once again, indebted to a junkie.

Like there was some sick joke being played on me by the universe.

Jungkook was sick too. But thank the devil, that V was there to help him get better.

"Shit." I vomited all the stomach acid in my trash can which woke Jimin up three nights in a row. Just in time to get him to help me crawl my way to the communal bathroom.

"Sorry," I told him, hand up like I was pleading innocence to an imaginary gun.

"Don't worry about it. How are you feeling today?"

"Like a freshly cut daisy. What about you?" I spat sarcastically.

"You have classes today, don't you?"

"Any mandatory information during the first ones?"

"I don't know…I guess it depends…"

"That sounds… blah…" Stomach acid came back up and then went back down.

"Let me help you."

He got water in a basin that he's borrowed from a student or the janitor and placed it next to me.

Wiping the sweat with cold water to help the fever go down.

All the while I was squinting at him. Oozing paranoia.

"Why are you doing this?"

"What?"

"Helping me."

"Because I know how it's like to feel like you're going to die. And besides, I'm not doing that much."

I caught his moving wrist with a death grip that made him flinch.

Fear was apparent when I leaned in. Half my back was still against the doors of the closet.

'V wasn't nice to you, was he?' I wanted to ask.

"What do you want to get out of this?" That was what I actually asked.

"…nothing."

I smirked and pulled up the long sleeve so I could expose the small holes from his wrist as if he had forgotten all about them.

"I told you I've quit."

"Did you really?" I mocked.

"Yes!"

"Fine."

I let go and let the back of my head hit the closet' doors.

He continued to wipe the ongoing sweat from my chest and abdomen. I tried not to read into his movements right now. Not assume a thing until I got better.

But after he washed my hair with the care that a mother would've shown her child, I was starting to feel guilty.

"You should eat something. Like a lemon with…something."

"You have class soon. Go take a shower. Leave me alone. You've done enough," I told him with utmost sincerity.

"I can't…"

He was staring at the floor with those plump cheeks and serious eyes. It reminded me of Jungkook before he's lost a lot of weight.

"Jimin. For fuck's sake. I don't have anything to offer," I waved my hands around exactly once before letting them fall from the exhaustion that one movement caused.

"Stop being pessimistic. I don't want anything!"

"Drop the good guy act already. It doesn't work on me. Nice guys actually piss me off more than bad guys cause those are just honest people. Straight forward, cut right through the bullshit, my type of people."

"Namjoon." He slowly enunciated. "I just want to help. And I do have a reason."

"And what's that?"

I pointed my chin at him with a sly smile.

Thinking: 'Now we're getting somewhere.'

"I want to be your…friend."

The voice started strong and then got squeaky at the end. It had me shaking my head while the right leg shook without conscious permission.

"Why the hell would you want that?" I snapped. Feeling the tremor traveling up both arms. Like electricity was stuck inside my veins and couldn't get out.

"I don't know. I just do."

"I'm not into you."

"What?"

"I am taken."

The obvious blush made me think he was cute, however.

"Friends. I want to be friends. I don't want anything more."

"One hundred percent honest?"

"Yes!" He shouted.

"Prove it," I whispered.

"What? Ok. But how do I…"

"Find a dealer. Buy the shit that you claim you've quit. Have it in this room for a week without touching it."

I crossed my arms to make a point and mostly, to hide the tremor.

He stood still. Quiet. Unblinking.

"No? Can't do that? Fine. Then go to Jungkook's room. It's 333B in the building next to this one. Kim fucking Taehyung's there. Your soulmate incarnate!" I spat in his face and went on,"Go there and get Jungkook to his classes. He's probably not able to think straight. So, watch him like a hawk. Report everything and I mean everything back to me at the end of the day. If I find out that you've left anything out. And rest assured, I'll find out. Never speak to me for the rest of your miserable life. Deal?"

He bit his lower, full lip. While I licked my chapped one without realizing it.

"Then, you'll be my friend for the rest of your life?"

'Why do you want to be friends so badly? Do you know Fred or…'

I wondered in my mind and let out a sigh.

"Well, unless you harm him in any way then yeah."

"Him?"

"Jeon Jungkook."

"You... care about him."

"I do," I admitted through clenched teeth.

'A bit too much. I don't even know Bambi well enough and this might bite me in the ass, but I can't move and make sure he's fine. And Jungkook might be lying for all I know...'

"Okay then. I'll go over to him right now."

"It's kind of early, but go nuts. Did I give you my number?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful." I finally allowed my eyes to shut entirely, feeling a trail of cold sweat coming down from the top of my forehead.

"But Namjoon…"

"Hmm?"

"Won't Jungkook be in a similar state? I mean, how is he going to make it through class without, you know...being sick?"

"He took way less than I did. Besides, he started getting clean way before coming here."

'But don't tell him any of that,' That's what I wanted to add when I felt the middle of my head pulsating.

"But he didn't seem sick at all when we've first met."

"He smoked at the same time, so he didn't realize much. Trust me. He…didn't quit cold turkey. I…he lowered his dose gradually," I shushed Jimin away with a weak hand, talking more just to make him get up and leave me alone, "It makes the withdrawal easier. It'll be a breeze for him," I threw a hand in the air, irritated that I had to revel any kind of information, and averted my squinting eyes when an eyebrow shot up.

'Yes. I wasn't so nice to myself.'

I added a grumpy: "Don't forget to lock the door again."

"Is he the kind of person who doesn't have any weed withdrawals? Or will he..."

"That's why I need you to keep an eye on him. Let him lean on you in case he faints if you're ever so gracious," I forced the words out and felt his shadow nodding as if his nod was hitting me in the middle of the neck.

"I gotta change first."

I kept my eyes closed for a while. But peeked at his naked back after.

'I need to make Jungkook gain some weight.' I thought to myself. Nearly feeling the bones under my fingers as I envisioned him.

"What about you?" He suddenly asked, kneeling before me with a clean trash can in his fingertips.

"I'll be fine," I mumbled, irritated.

"Don't you want to watch a movie? Read a book or…do anything?"

"No."

"I think that'll help with the depression."

"I said! I am fine!"

He took it personally. Leaned back. And then, encouraged by a new thought, leaned closer again. Saying:

"You're going to miss all of your first classes."

"I'll let them know I've caught a bug or something." I deadpanned.

"Okay. Call me if you need me."

A water bottle right next to the trash can and an aspirin. I looked at them, while he threw a backpack over his shoulder. Leaving after wishing me good luck.

Left to grunt to myself. Drowning in the silence of the room.

Let myself make as many pained sounds as I wanted.

And then reached for the phone from inside the back pocket and waited for him to pick it up.

"Hi?"

"Hi, kid. How nice to hear from you. I almost thought you've died."

"You're not getting rid of me that easily."

Silence ensued.

"So, how are things?" I asked, incrementally kicking the trash can closer using the tip of my toes.

"Same old, same old. What about you?"

"You know me. Chilling."

The taste of bile filled my mouth so I swallowed it down. My hand was shaking the phone against the ear until the friction alone caused me pain. I slid lower to the floor. The headache was swallowing any reasonable thoughts I was trying to find. But only the dark ones remained. Like there was someone inside my head fishing out only the good ones.

Fred's been talking about something until one name had me paying attention.

"Jungkook?"

"Aa…he's good. Good…."

"Namjoon... why did you call?" The tone was dark. The tone was serious. The tone had my left leg kicking the air.

"What do you mean? Didn't you want me to call?" I faked amusement. Faked my normal breathing and glued my face to the coldness of the floor right after.

'Why don't they make floors out of ice?'

"What do you want?"

"Can't I call without…"

"Kid."

'Get me more. Or I think I'll die. Get me something to make it stop!' I thought but couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Do you know anyone here? I mean. Is anyone your buddy, buddy?"

"No."

I made sure he heard me smiling. As painful as it was to smile with chapped, cracked lips and a dry mouth.

"Are you lying to me?"

"You're right! I have someone there."

"Who? What's his name?" I forgot to hide the desperation from my voice when I've asked that.

"Kim Namjoon. Have you heard of him before?"

"You devil…" I half-joked, half-insulted.

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, you know. Jungkook," I casually threw that name to the wolf.

"What about him?"

"He's…" And it was too much. It came out faster than I could swallow and came out on the floor without much sound.

"Namjoon?"

"He's…mm…well…" I talked with the bile burning my teeth, and dripping out slowly now that most of what my body's produced was out, by the right side of my cheek, "You know. Same old."

Staying on the side wasn't a good idea hours ago, but now, I couldn't find it in me to change the position.

"Same issues, you mean. And you?"

"Me?"

"Didn't you start drinking again?"

I controlled every word perfectly. I would've been more proud of myself if only I didn't wish the devil would save me.

"…a beer or two."

'I wish I didn't drink at all now cause I'd probably be able to keep food down for a lot longer...But can't go back time now. Can I, Fred?' I thought to myself.

"That's funny cause I got this buddy, buddy of mine who's told me that he gave you some stuff that's a bit stronger than beer."

"Oh, really?"

'Ah. Fuck.'

"Yeah. In fact. You shouldn't convince my buddies to lie for you. It'll make them hurt. And it'll make me a bit…mad."

My body started shaking from the top to the bottom, from the fear or the withdrawals. Or the combination of the two. The bones kept hitting the floor like a musical instrument. While my head felt sticky from bumping against the wet floor.

'Now it's colder. So cold. A blanket would be…good…'

"Hmm…sorry."

"Don't need to apologize, kid. I bet you already feel pretty sorry for a few days now? But punishment aside, what happened? What got you to relap…start drinking colorful water again?"

I pondered on a lie that wouldn't be a lie, but a simple, innocent misdirect. And settled on the best one I could come up with:

"Bad dreams."

"About?"

"… future."

"The future is what you make it, kid. And right now, you're making it a bit…red. Aren't you?"

"I'd say it's pink at this point."

"Pink?"

"Yeah. Like baby pink. Bambi pink."

"Namjoon?"

"Hm?"

"Call me after you get it all out."

"Aye, aye." I joked with no joy, but he had already hung up.

I let the phone fall to the ground, right into the puddle of whatever came out of me.

"Fuck."

I slept. Vomited. Drank water. Slept. Pissed into the water bottle. And slept some more.

Only to be woken up from a dreamless, easy to awoken from slumber by a phone call.

In fact, I've been waking up and falling back asleep so many times in a few hours that I was doubting which one I've done more of. Being awake or unconscious. This is why I tiredly answered with:

"Hi."

Jungkook's clear voice made me want to cry like a ten-year-old child.

"What's up?" I asked, casually.

"I want to come over, but Jimin won't let me. Tell him I can."

'He sounds good. That or he took voice-acting classes in the past couple of days.'

"You can't."

I used to be on speaker since that's how confident Jungkook was that Jimin was wrong. But then he switched it off to ask a private, confused and hurt: "Why not?"

"I don't want you to."

A long pause ensued. One that I used to unglue my face from the vomit pillow and force myself to sit up just enough to see above the floor level. The ache from every muscle intensified from the unnecessary movement. The back of my head fell back on the floor when I gave up sitting on my ass instead of my face.

"Did I do anything wrong?"

"No. I'm just sick." I breathed out.

"I'm a bit…sick too."

"How sick?"

"My head's been hurting."

"That's all?" I said smiling. Glad. And envious.

"Namjoon…let me see you."

"Jungkook. Pay attention in class and drink water. Lots and lots of water. Add a lemon too. I heard it's good for you."

"Do you know how late it is? Classes are over. And I am really better now."

'How the fuck?!' I screamed in my head.

"How come?" I inquired calmly.

"Don't know. This morning I woke up and felt better."

"Mhmm. Sounds...nicee..."

"Please, let me see you for just a few minutes…"

"Tomorrow. Come tomorrow."

Sleep overtook me soon after. And I woke up only when Jimin came in. I watched the door long after he walked in. Something in me was expecting Jungkook to follow suit. Another part of me laughed in the face of that one when no one else came in.

Jimin turned on the lights and the darkness that used to comfort me like an invisible blanket was gone.

The light pink hair almost blinded me as much as the bulb. The red striped shirt and the light blue cardigan were what I mostly saw when he helped me up against the wall.

"How are you feeling?"

I didn't entertain the voice that was pitying me with a response.

"Brought you some soup."

He wiped my face. Cleaned up the floor. And then spoon-fed me.

I was eyeing him with suspicion after every well-intended "Open wider."

"Thanks." And that was all I was capable of.

The smile I received was too honest. It hurt to stare at. Like it hurt to stare at the sun or the goddamn hanging bulb from the middle of the room.

"Today. Report. Go."

But he wasn't listening, eyeing the damp clothing instead. He picked a black sweater from the neatly folded clothed in a few minutes. And by then, my patience was wearing thin.

"Jimin," I threatened in a low voice.

"Hands up."

"Today. What happened?"

"Nothing interesting."

"That's not what I asked."

"Let me help you change first."

He slid the T-shirt off of me and when he tried to slide the sweater on, I could swear I caught a whiff of alcohol.

He was squatting down, smiling at the cute flower that was on the back side of the sweater when I reached out and wrapped three fingers around his neck.

He didn't flinch this time.

The smile, however, was gone.

"Report."

I didn't squeeze. Despite feeling a bit stronger for no reason I could conceive of. I didn't want to squeeze yet. I was simply controlling his focus. And I was relieved when he complied.

"Jungkook's still nauseous all the time. He won't eat much. He didn't make any new friends, but he went to all of his classes. He kept asking about you, but I lied and told him that you've caught a cold. Or the flu. But I don't think he believed that I didn't know. And we had a few drinks after the last class we had together. That's pretty much it, so can you please let go of my neck?"

"V."

"Him. Well, he…a…I didn't see him today."

I frowned with my eyes closed. The light bothered something that was looking outside from the middle of the forehead.

"Did Jungkook tell you anything about him today?"

"I asked, like you told me to and they get along. Somehow. Tae's nice to him. I don't know why, but…"

And I squeezed.

He fell on his ass. Trying to free his neck when I found the strength to follow him by slightly sitting up. I was towering over a scared pink head without one thought running through my mind.

"THEY FUCKING WHAT?!"

He looked up at me, close to tears.

I closed my eyes again. And continued, a bit calmer:

"He's nice. That's all he's told you?"

He nodded one too many times.

"And you believed that shit?!"

He didn't nod this time, so I let go.

I didn't squeeze enough to make him cough. I didn't squeeze enough to get anything but honest replies. But he scooted back anyways. Watching me with wet eyes.

"I didn't do anything wrong!" He let me know.

"You're lying."

"I'm not lying! Whether Tae's hiding his true face, that's not what Jungkook said. Or what he thinks! You told me to say whatever he's telling me! Why are you attacking me?!"

"Attacking? Pff…" I chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

I resumed the previous position and hid my eyes from the light by holding both hands over them.

"Come closer."

I didn't expect him to obey, but he hesitantly did.

I grabbed his neck once more. I could see how betrayed he felt for one second but then realized that I was massaging it and the fury was replaced by confusion.

"Sorry. Fine? Old habits die hard. I'll make it up to you."

"Make it up to…"

"You can strangle me too. Go ahead."

I let myself lay as limp as possible. Hands outstretched on each side of my body. Crown of my head against the wall, exposing my neck to Jimin like the worst predatory animal known to man.

"Are you crazy? I'm not going to do it."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to. We're supposed to be friends. Do you even know what that means?"

I cracked open an eye and looked down, curious to find out:

"You got a friend fetish or something?"

"What's that?"

"I'm not sure. I've never met someone like you before."

"Well, I …I've never met someone like you either."

I tilted my head with a smirk.

"Really? V hasn't strangled you once or twice before?"

"No…he's more of a drug you until you can't talk kind of guy."

"Oh. I can do that too. But it's no fun if there's no reaction."

He was blushing again. This time for a reason I couldn't comprehend.

"What? I've got nothing on me now. What's with that face?"

"Nothing."

And then he started laughing.

"Fine." I grunted "I'll bite. What's so funny?"

"You."

"Me?"

"You can't even stand, but you still seemed so daunting for a moment. And then you're nice. It's like you've got two personalities. Are you a Gemini?"

"Virgo."

"That makes no sense."

And he kept laughing.

It rubbed off. I found myself stuck, smiling at the pink-haired Bambi. Telling him that he's strange.

Letting him help me up to bed. Telling me about what he and Jungkook talked about during lessons. And how Jungkook spilled tea on his pants. How the teachers looked like and how the glasses of a particular student were rounder and bigger than her face. How one teacher didn't seem to like Jungkook or him very much since they kept talking during class.

I listened until I drifted off to sleep.

And woke up in a cold sweat at four am when the door of our dorm room was being opened by someone other than Jimin who was sleeping soundly in the other bed.

I tensed up. Ready for anyone else to come in and murder me during the night.

Not expecting to see Jungkook, sneaking in. Not one bit.

"Hey." He whispered as soon as our eyes met.

"Hey," I whispered back.

And that's when I wanted to tell him to go back to his room. Wanted to prevent him from seeing me shaking. But the film of sweat that covered my whole body like a second skin wasn't anything but a layer of sweat. Nothing else was wrong. And above all that, I felt the strongest urge to touch him. The desire to hold him was the one that helped me prompt myself up on my elbows and reach out.

Smaller fingers linked with mine before he sat down on the right edge of the bed.

"How are you?" I asked before he did.

"Better now."

"Me too," I claimed and then stole a glance at a fuzzy Jimin before cupping his cheek.

"Hey," I repeated and kissed his lips without parting my lips.

He relaxed into it. And exhaled as if he was releasing pent-up energy.

I grinned.

"Sleep here," I heard myself demanding. Instantly regretting how needy I sounded.

"That'd look suspicious."

"To whom?"

"Jimin."

"He might be alright with it."

"Might be?"

"Not sure yet. But I bet he's better than V."

"He's not going to do anything to me, Namjoon."

"Of course, he won't. He's not prepared to die yet."

He exhaled loudly. Out of frustration this time.

"That's not what I meant." He whispered, but I was busy pulling the collar of his shirt down. "What are you doing?"

"You're eating again?"

"I've never stopped eating... Why?"

"You're too skinny."

"Excuse me? You've probably lost ten kilograms. Why are you concerned about me?"

I leaned forward and hugged him. Letting his scent wash over me. Breathing it in and out. Letting most of my weight rest on him. Feeling the ribs of his back against my fingers. And planting kisses on his neck.

"I'm sorry."

"About what?"

'About drugging and doing you without your consent.'

"About …what I've done to you."

"What did you do?"

"You can punish me however you see fit."

"Punish you?"

"Yeah, I'll take anything. Beat me up, swear at me, just...don't leave me. It was wrong, but I was afraid that you'll..."

He interrupted me with an amused voice.

It seriously confused me.

"Namjoon. Are you delirious or something?"

"Why would I be?"

"There's blood on your lips.

"No, that can't...be..."

I looked down and sure enough, there was blood on his upper chest; but after I reached up and touched my lips, all fingers remained clean. Then, I concluded, it was coming out of him.

'He got stabbed? Or shoot?'

"Namjoon?"

"Yeah?"

He suddenly yawned and let himself fall into me. Saying, almost out of it already::

"I feel sleepy."

"Then let's go to sleep together," I told him, fighting back the tears. Throat constricting. Chest aching.

"You can't go to sleep yet. Only I can," He whispered.

"I will come after you."

"Don't."

"I will. Right after. Don't worry. I won't let you be alone. Not even one second. Not even…"

"Good night, Namjoon."

I was caressing his head and rocking us back and forth.

That was until Jimin came up to my bed, fully awake.

"Namjoon? Why are you hugging a corpse? That's just not ok."

I breathed in and opened my mouth wide, ready to scream the pain away.

But the ceiling wasn't black, but a warm yellow now. The sound of a song without lyrics was coming out of a pair of white headphones. That was the other change. A song that Jimin was tapping his leg to, while he was writing something down at his desk.

"Fuck." I told no one but myself.

'Just another fucking nightmare. Nothing less...nothing more...'

"You're awake?" Jimin asked after coming up to the bed and staring at my face.

'You blind?'

"..."

"..."

"Breakfast?"

Shook my head on the pillow.

"But eating is vital right now and I won't take no for an answer."

'Then why did you bother asking first?' I thought, already in a bad mood.

He sat down in the same spot Jungkook did. Helped me stand upright and then fed me more soup.

I looked at him through puffy eyes and a pained chest.

"Jimin? Can you bring Jungkook here today?" I heard the neediness from my voice so I quickly added, " When he's done with classes?"

"I'm free until the afternoon. And I think he's free too. But eat first."

I swallowed every bite. But I couldn't taste it. Not feeling as sick as yesterday. But if Jimin said anything besides what he already did, I was ready to walk out and go to Jungkook myself right in that second.

"Do you want to take a shower before I bring him here?"

The hallways were almost bare considering how many students roamed them when I first arrived. But the few students whose doors were open didn't mind frowning at my slow pace. Jimin was right behind me. Like the parent that I never had, nor deserved.

He handed me a big towel after we waited for a guy to come out of a shower for way longer than I wanted to. And then Jimin waited on me without complaining about how long I took. He was listening to music the entire way. Which made me feel a bit better for some reason.

The warm water was like a message to my brain, saying: things were looking up. Or so I wanted to make myself believe while I scrubbed every inch. Washed my hair until the scalp hurt. Brushed my teeth twice. Everything at a faster pace than my recovering self would've liked. Mainly out of fear of something bad happening.

I didn't know what or when. But someone was going to come in and take advantage of the weak state I was in. I just knew it. But after I put on the fresh clothes Bambi had picked out for me and went out of the bathroom, I was feeling like a new man.

I tried not to mind how hard it was to walk. Tried not to mind the hollow cheeks that I've spotted in the mirror. The stares and the whispering that could be about me. Or could be about something else entirely.

'I have to start eating more. I need to start exercising. I need to…'

It was only after I caught a glimpse of Jungkook's hair as he was coming into the dorm room that I felt truly alive.

I wanted to hug him, but resigned to only throwing an arm around his shoulder while Jimin was watching.

"Been a while." He mumbled.

Jimin couldn't know, but this was Jungkook complaining.

"I agree."

"Well," Jimin stated, hitting his tights with both hands before getting up from the desk's chair and heading for the door.

"Where are you going?" Jungkook asked, almost panicked.

"Letting you two lovebirds catch up."

"Love…birds?" Jungkook repeated those words with a new edge to them and then shot me an eye filled with unspoken accusations.

"I didn't tell him anything." I defended myself before anything was verbalized.

"Then how…" Jungkook turned to look at Jimin once more. And Bambi just keep smiling, picking up the earbuds from the bed and dropping them into an open backpack.

"I said I didn't talk to V unless I had to, which was like once or twice a year. But that doesn't mean he hasn't mentioned you two. Especially after interrupting us at the club…or helping me escape."

"What exactly did the tall shit say?" I wanted to know.

But Jimin's smile only stretched one corner of his lips.

"Nothing much. But you two did confirm it just now. And also…no one asks about their friend as often as you two were asking about each other. No offense."

"Sorry if we've been..." Bambi just shook his head with a smile at Jungkook's apology. But Jungkook was probably more anxious now. I could imagine he was thinking: 'We're that obvious, aren't we?'

"It's all A okay by me. But still, I will let you two... be."

"Jimin," I called out when his back was already turned. "Are you fine with …this?"

He didn't see me pointing at Jungkook and me, but nodded nonetheless.

"See you guys later."

And he was gone.

And I was pulling Jungkook closer a second after the door got locked from the outside.

"Don't."

Jungkook pushed. He truly pushed and my shock gave him enough time to stand up and walk a few steps. Something that I didn't see myself doing willingly anytime soon.

He started pacing, fingers playing nervously with the long sleeves.

"Are you mad?"

"Of course, I am mad."

'Because I drugged you?' I thought.

"He saw right through us. Him! Head in the clouds, sunshine and rainbows, sweet Park."

"You're still calling him Park?" I chuckled and checked my face for any fresh sweat at the same time.

"Namjoon, I'm serious. We're doing it wrong."

"I agree. Let's just drop the act entirely. It's not even working. He's living proof." I joked, but meant it at the same time.

"But my parents. Do you think they know?"

"…maybe."

I knew that was the wrong answer the moment he turned on his heel every two steps. Hand resting on the forehead. The other covering his stomach as if it was holding it together. All the while, blabbering about his paranoid thoughts to me:

"But Jung! He would've used it as ammunition at Christmas! It would've been the perfect bad…thing! Wouldn't it? Who would hold onto something like that when they had the perfect moment to use it?"

Cleared my throat and shut my eyes, trying to sound unbothered by it all. Supportive. Sane. And healthy.

"Unless he knew that your parents wouldn't be against it to begin with. In that case, it would've been useless."

He froze in place, thought about it, and then decided I was the one who was wrong in this story.

"You're not helping!"

"Well, I am sorry if I can't turn back time so I can pretend to hate you when your parents were over."

He approached my bed on his own accord so I reached out to grab his shirt, but only air grazed my palm.

"What's that?"

"What's what?" I mumbled, lying belly up. Staring at one tiny black dot on the ceiling so the room would stop spinning.

"Cigarettes! He's got cigarettes. That means he lied to me!"

"Who?"

"Jimin."

"Now you call him Jimin?" I whispered to myself, turning on my side to see him smelling the pack.

"This is proof he's human so I can call him that."

"Oh, he's human. Trust me." An ironic smile later and rage bubbling up to the surface had me assuming quietly: "Did you ask him for cigarettes?"

"No. He smelled like cigarettes so I asked him if he smoked. And he said that he doesn't. Why would he lie? Like what would be the point in…"

"Jungkook."

"Maybe he doesn't want to share? But he shared his food with me. And gum. That's way more money in total? Isn't it?"

"Jungkook."

"I picked it up without thinking. Was it here? Was it upside down or not? Do you remember? He'll know that I…"

"Jungkook!"

I reached out my left hand, closing and extending my fingers. Eyes still fixating on the dot until his clothed lower abdomen made contact with my hand. I clasped the material and pulled him towards me.

He half fell into me with a thump, before he gave in and climbed up to cuddle me. Head on my shoulder, saying:

"Sorry, I'm just…"

"Paranoid?" I whispered.

"A bit." He whispered back.

"It'll pass. Every time you start to spiral just think of it as a symptom. It's not real. It's just like blowing your nose when you got a cold. It's not going to kill you. You just…caught a cold."

"Yeah…"

'So, he knows? But he's not upset. And he's not hiding it either? Or not well?'

"Now." I started and went on with a lower tone when I requested: "Kiss me."

'He probably thinks it's from the weed. Now...I am getting paranoid.'

He didn't seem pleased to hear that, but placed a peck on my lips nonetheless. Only to pull back after.

"You didn't miss me at all?" I tried to sound hurt despite knowing it was just the shyness. I went on: "Huh? Just me? Fine."

I was still holding onto him with a weak arm. As if sure he'll flee at any moment.

He managed to plant a peck on my cheek. Another one on the side of the neck. And a few more on the little bit of exposed collarbone.

And a hand shyly went under the sweater only to end up on the small of my back.

It was an awkward hug from a very uncomfortable position. But his head on my chest was comforting. His warm body was making me happy. His breathing alone had me embracing him back without touching anything else.

I was listening to him breathing when he asked: "Why didn't you let me see you sooner?"

I exhaled on purpose. Feeling heavy. Feeling tired and cold.

"Shame?"

"About?"

'Everything?' My head responded on its own.

"I didn't look good." I let him know.

"I don't care if you don't look good."

"Or really? What if I tattoo my whole face? Will you still like me then?"

"I will."

"Well, I won't like me."

"Did you eat?"

"Yeah."

"When?"

That question sent me back. Back to my house. Back to the days in which we kept asking each other if we ate. If we're going to eat. Or move. And it was bittersweet.

It seemed so long ago that it might've as well had never happened.

"This morning. You?"

"This morning."

"Good."

"Good." He repeated, kissing my cheek.

I caught him before he rested back down and kissed his lips.

And then pulled back to stare at him. The wavy, parted hair, the tired eyes, and the small face.

'I'm so sorry.' I thought.

"You still don't want to cut your hair?" I asked.

"I think I should at this point…but I don't know where."

"I can cut it for you."

"I'd rather not…" He admitted with a chuckle.

"I'm good with scissors." I pointed out.

He arched an eyebrow.

"Are you? Whose hair did you cut before?"

"Mine. And you never complained about it until now, might I remind you."

"Pff. Why would you do that?"

I pondered about for a bit before I replied:

"I've always cut my hair. Truth be told, messed it up a couple of times. Cut my hand too, but I've never cut someone else's hair besides my mom's. So yeah, you should go to a professional."

"You think?!"

The sarcastic smile was pretty. The hand under the sweater was warm. And the room was quiet for once.

So quiet that I started wondering how much time I had left alone with Jungkook before Jimin returned.

"Are you in the mood?" I asked without thinking.

"I…a…"

';am not stoned.' That is what my mind filled in automatically.

Eyes shut. It dawned on me that I didn't feel as sick as before. That somehow, it was only my chest that was hurting and not my body for once.

As if Jungkook's presence made everything feel better and that was it. But he couldn't make it all go away.

"Haven't slept." He continued.

"What?"

"I haven't slept in a few days…"

I pushed his face up and noticed the small little veins that were cracked in the whites of his eyes instantly.

"Why not?"

'Retarded question.'

"I couldn't…no weed and all... that's why I'm really tired and you're sick... I don't think we should…be…"

"It'll help you sleep," I said, meaning it.

"I don't think you're wrong since I always fell asleep after…or while we were doing it, but…."

"But?"

"You're sick. And Park…Jimin…"

'Pick one of his names already!' I complained in my mind, and raised a brow without inteding to.

Kissed his forehead and then breathed the words against his lips: "Just let me touch you already."

"Namjoon, but what if he comes…"

"Cover yourself with a blanket. We can pretend we're asleep."

"The sun's still up."

But he was blushing like a girl and breathing faster as soon as I cupped his ass after feeling the skin of his lower back.

"The blanket?"

I stole another taste of his lips before talking less loudly against them.

"Hmm?"

"Where's a blanket?"

"Here."

I pulled it from the space between the bed and the wall and covered him entirely and only half of me.

He didn't seem to notice this since he had his eyes tightly shut for the moment that I pulled his pants down to his knees.

"That's too low. There's no need to…aw…"

But there was a need to since I wanted to touch his back too.

A finger was in and the tightness was enough to make me forget all about the headache and the chills.

He tried to suppress his moans, but they started escaping more often after I started touching his penis too.

I scooted lower so I could kiss his neck while fingering and jerking him off. The position was inconvenient, but nothing I couldn't work with. And then I suddenly heard him utter the words:

"We shouldn't be doing this…"

"Why not?" I humored him. And then slipped in another finger. Despite the first one barely fitting.

"It doesn't feel right. In the middle of the day…when he might…"

"Don't worry. I'll snap his neck if he threatens to tell anyone." I assured him. But a hand tried to prevent me from moving up and down his half-erect penis lazily and for a reason, that pissed me off.

"It's not that. I just think we shouldn't do it now. Like…"

"We're not doing it. Are we? How is this different than masturbating in your room by yourself?"

"I wouldn't do that either…" He said without thinking and then moaned a bit louder when I hit his prostate roughly on purpose.

I bit his neck at the same time to make sure I left a mark.

"Why? You wouldn't enjoy V watching?" I asked in his ear, "Wouldn't mind if he barged in while you were masturbating?"

"Wait…Nam…ah…Joon…"

The more I fucked his prostate, the louder he got. And the more I wanted to turn him around and fuck him. So, I did.

The switching of positions surprised him, to say the least.

He immediately jumped out of bed the moment his bare ass made contact with my clothed erection.

"Namjoon!?"

He pulled up his pants, cheeks flushed and eyes wide.

"What?!" I snapped, grabbing a fist of the blanket that was covering him just a second ago.

"You said you wouldn't…"

"What!" I propped myself up with energy I didn't know I had, continuing to scream at him: "You don't want me?!"

"Not now…" He whispered, stealing a glance at the door.

"Not NOW?! Not ever!"

"That's not fair…I didn't…"

"You wanted my fingers, didn't you?!"

"That's not…"

"Then what is it, Jungkook?! Do you feel like the girl when I fuck you, but like a man when I finger you?!"

"Ple…"

"Is that it?! Or are you too scared to let Jimin know you're a bottom?! But it's my bad, since you're not high either." I chuckled bitterly and the chuckle burned my throat, "Boy must that suck. Feeling any pleasure with someone who's no longer your drug dealer!"

"Stop screaming…please…" He pleaded, staring solely at the floor.

"Why?! You don't want anyone to know you're mine?! Will that ruin the magic for V?! Or did you find a girl that you want to fuck already?!"

"Don't talk like that...I wasn't... I was…"

I hopped down. Feeling dizzy. And closed the distance between us.

Breaking into a cold sweat when my bare feet touched the ground. And my head spinning from the anger and his smell. His innocent, soft, almost flowery smell.

"Which one is it?! What's wrong now?! What is so horrible about having sex with me?! Fucking, spit it out already! Is it because I am too big or that you like getting fucked and can't deal with it?"

"Nam…"

"Or is it because I don't finish in 10 minutes? Is that a sin?! Is it that such a turn-off cause you, falling asleep, is really what keeps me going until…"

"Namjoon!"

"WHAT!"

The high volume had him stepping back with teary eyes.

I stared at what I had done and felt torn.

I split it in half. Right down the middle.

And it hurt.

The chills were not the same chills anymore, but a cold shower that was making me aware that I was wearing my skin and it wasn't wearing I.

It all hurt. The air itself hurt. It wasn't air anymore, but icy needles going in and out every pore.

But his expression was letting me know that something was hurting him to unbearable extents too.

'Damn it.'

But I caught him by the arm when he turned to dart for the door. I caught his arm fast enough to have him stumbling to the floor like a doll made out of porcelain falling off the shelf.

He started crying the second I covered him with my body.

"I'm sorry…Shh…"

Someone other than Jimin tried the door. Asking: "Who's shouting in there?! Is everything…"

It was hard to hear the rest since Jungkook's sobs were filling up the space like a song that was turned on the highest volume. I rocked him in my arms, apologizing over and over. But he kept pushing me away. Begging what I wished he'd never beg me:

"Let go."

"Hear me out. I didn't mean it. It's the withdrawals…it's…I'm sorry…"

"Let…"

The sobbing and the big tears fell out of his eyes like precious pearls. The little fists hitting my chest and the knocking.

'The fucking constant knocking.'

"It's not your fault. It's mine. I took it out on you…I…tell me what to do, Jungkook, and I'll do it. Anything! Just stop crying…please…"

"...go..."

I caressed the stained cheeks while holding him by only one arm. And it dawned on me that my strength was not back, but that Jungkook was weaker. He wasn't struggling against me but against his own legs. And I wondered how that was remotely possible.

"Please tell me how to make it better, Jungkook. Please..." I waited, but the sadness that was present in his eyes when his eyes looked into mine got mixed with something akin to hate. And that had me completely frozen.

"Let me go. Now." He demanded.

And they kept knocking. But Jungkook's sobbing ceased. The tears just kept falling and I kept breathing. Unable to listen to him. Or find a way that would assure him that what I said wasn't how I felt. When there were grains of truth in every single criticism.

He tore himself away from me with what little force he had, slipping out by ducking under. And then ran up to the door. Pulled on the locked door once, twice, and then it opened for him like the worst gates of heaven I had the displeasure of witnessing.

Jimin was standing in front of him.

Bewildered.

I saw him watching Jungkook with both fear and worry. And then he looked down at me with something that could only be masked judgment.

And I looked back at him.

Not sure what he thought he was seeing, but he stepped aside and Jungkook stormed out through the students that gathered in the hallway either way.

"Don't you all have anything better to do?!" Jimin's voice didn't get swallowed by theirs, nor did it silence them.

"But they were yelling about sex or something…" I heard one of them saying and that got Jimin to pull the keys out, come in and lock the door all over again.

Chin on the floor, I was looking up at Bambi who squatted before me and demanded answers: "What happened?"

"I fucked up."

He shut his eyes, whispered something under his breath, and then talked louder:

"Clearly. But, how?"

"I…hmm…am not sure how to explain it."

"You wanted to take his virginity today? You couldn't wait anymore or something?"

I let out the start of a laugh and then the pain settled comfortably in the hole that was right in the middle of my chest. So, I rolled on my back. And looked up at the pink-haired Bambi.

"I already took his virginity."

There was no pride. That was a fact. Also, there were flashbacks popping up like oil on water and my hand went to cover my eyes to prevent them.

"Great. What did you do then?"

"I don't know. He doesn't want to do it. He…it's like…I am raping him each time. And I don't mind…but it was hard to keep up with him today. Since I'm sick and all. And he likes it, I can tell, but he won't admit it to himself. I wish he'd admit it so raping him would be okay. You know what I mean?"

Jimin got up and dropped his backpack on the desk. Pondering.

"How is it rape if he likes it?"

"That's what I am saying. It wouldn't feel like it if he admitted he likes it."

My voice sounded distant. Void of emotion. The hole inside my chest was swallowing me up. And spitting me back out.

'I should've run after him...but I can't stand...there's no way in hell I could've caught up to him like this.'

"You must be a true romantic in bed." He was ironic for once. It made me smile, not only because it caught me by surprise.

"I am…well…Nah, that's a lie. I wish I could be though. I don't know what that means though…"

"That's why you've started yelling at him?"

"I guess I got a bit tired of it…"

"Forcing him to have sex with you?!"

"Yes. That. And…everything else."

'Selling. Threatening. Hiding. Killing. Everything…is just so…tiring all of a sudden. Weird. So weird.'

"I'm sorry, but are you confessing that you're a rapist right now?"

I let my hand fall from my face so I could look at Jimin, who was holding himself up by leaning against the desk. All color drained from his face.

And I wanted to cry, but numbness settled in. Or something like it.

I assumed I should've been sadder. Worried about Jungkook. Angry about Jimin letting him out. But instead, I felt nothing but a crack in the middle of the chest.

"Shouldn't friends be honest with each other?" I asked.

"Wha…"

I interrupted whatever he was about to say.

"I mean. I don't want to force him. And no, I don't go around raping people. He's the only one I've ever…liked so much that I couldn't stop myself. I mean, I did someone as punishment before, but it's not the same thing, you know? Also, I could pay someone to take it, but…"

"Take it?! What the hell do you do in bed?!"

"Keep your voice down."

"Keep my…keep my…" He kept himself up by the chair, laying an arm across his belly at the same time. As if he was suddenly feeling sick. "Tell me what the heck do you get down to...?"

"The usual." That deadpan answer and the shrug had him approaching me.

Too afraid to touch me yet angry enough to face me.

"What is a rapist's usual?"

"I am too big and I can't finish in less than an hour. Or two… And that is apparently why I am going to die alone," I grinned at the end for just three full seconds.

"You're not so smart." He blurted.

"What did you just say?" I tried to sound offended, but it came out as if I truly didn't hear him.

'I can't get angry anymore either. Swell.' I thought, wiggling my foot.

"Jungkook couldn't have possibly run out crying because of that!"

"Fine. You tell me why the fuck he doesn't want to sleep with me yet he's fine with me fingering him. Go ask him, please. I'd love to know what the fuck he wants in bed cause he's never told me. It's either we do nothing or I…"

The ongoing sexual information returned all the color to Jimin's face before he stepped away.

He had some water and plummeted on his bed before continuing with: "Why can't you just not do it unless he …makes a move?"

"I tried. The problem is that he never makes a damn move," I spit those words, but it was as if they didn't mean anything now.

'It's a symptom. One of the symptoms...maybe...' I assumed.

"Then did you consider that he might not want to be with you…sexually?"

"I did."

"And?"

"I refuse."

"Pardon?"

"I refuse. He's mine." I shrugged as if that was apparent.

"He's not yours, Kim Namjoon. Even if you two were married. No one owns another person."

I turned to look at him, dead behind the eyes, enunciating the words: "He's mine. And no one else will have him. Am I not being clear enough?"

"Well…you're not doing a good job. Are you?" He pointed at the door as if to remind me. I fixated on the ceiling once again, feeling a fever coming up.

"I thought I was…"

"If you want him to want to be near you, then you need to listen to him. You need to adhere to his wishes. To…make him happy. Not force him into doing what you want him to do."

"I'm not forcing him into anything besides sex." I breathed out, ignoring the pain. And yet feeling so dissociated from it. As if it was happening to someone else.

"Then you're going to lose him for sex."

"I'm not losing shit." I mumbled.

"Can't you see?"

"…" I looked at him through blurry eyes.

"Look around. He's not here."

"I know."

"You made him cry and run off to hide in his room."

'Where V is.' I whined in my mind.

"…"

"Go apologize."

"I already did."

"Go apologize some more."

"He needs to cool off. And I can't move much in case you forgot...Let me rephrase, I can move. But not if I am standing up."

I pointed my finger to the ceiling as if that was a very important distinction.

"He was sad. Not angry."

'He was angry too.' I thought, lowering my finger, but couldn't admit it to anyone else.

"…"

"I don't get it. You want him to be yours, but you don't treat him well."

"I treat him better than I was ever treated," I argued.

"That doesn't mean much if you weren't treated nicely…"

"What's nice anyway?" I asked without expecting a response.

"Talking nicely. Touching …carefully. And learning about his likes and dislikes so you do his likes and avoid doing the dislikes."

"It sounds peachy to me, Bambi. But there's just one little problem…"

"Bambi?" He spat the word out, disgusted, but then choose to let it slip, "And what's the problem?"

"I have a sex addiction. And it's very particular as in I don't want to have sex with everyone. I want to have sex with him all the time though. The person I love to be more exact." He leaned back, obviously not enjoying hearing anything about sex, yet listening regardless," But all he wants to do is get high and sleep. Now, how the fuck am I supposed to talk to him or do anything with him at all in a way that's…the fuck's the word you used…"

"Nice? Careful?"

"That. How the fuck am I supposed to do that when all he likes to do can be done without me?"

'And the pain's coming back stronger. Great. I'm able to hurt despite feeling so numb at the same time? Half of me, at least? Ain't that great? The human body is a marvelous machine that can bite my ass.' I thought with bitterness.

I let it take over because I was too exhausted to fight. But I was also worried that I might be having a heart attack and not an emotional breakdown.

"Maybe you're …exaggerating. I'm sure there are other things that you two enjoy doing together."

"Bambi. You're a junkie."

"Was."

"Don't fucking lie to me when I'm being honest." I said loudly. "I hate that I can tell when people lie. But in this case, I don't even have to stare at your face to know that you're bullshitting."

"I like other things!"

"For a while...until they lose their charm and, fuck that. That doesn't matter. The thing is that there's no place in the life of the junkie. You're either their dealer…or..." I shut my eyes and whispered through a constricted throat: "...you're no one."

"That's not…"

I stared at him with nothing short of unconcealed hatred.

"Or an enabler. Everyone likes having enablers around." He confessed without breaking eye contact.

"Great. Now I think I might have a chance. Thanks." The irony was not lost on him.

Silence ensued. And was broken by:

"…he might get bored one day."

"…of what?"

"Using. He might end up alone and lonely. And then he'll realize that what's important is…having friends. People that…"

I interrupted him.

"I'm glad that's what happened to you, but I doubt that's going to happen to him."

"….why do think it won't?"

"I don't know…I just know that's not his Achilles heel somehow."

"Every junkie has one. Or should…"

"That's not his." I argued with conviction.

"Do you know what it might be?"

"I never thought about it. But if I had to choose…it'd be something that makes him angry."

"He doesn't get angry often?"

"That too. But he's never walked away from me when he was sad or scared. Hell, he locked himself in my bathroom once when he had a panic attack because of me. He only walked away when he got mad though."

"And what made him mad?"

"Pf…being accused of stuff, I suppose."

"Like?"

"Stuff…stuff… that was for sure…one hundred percent…true."

"...."

"..."

'…..'

'....'

'…'

'..'

'F'

'u'

'c'

'k'

'.

"Like? Namjoon?"

'He did leave me as soon as I stopped being a dealer.'