Alien

After I was able to stand up without feeling like gravity was punishing me for past decisions, I had finally managed to leave the dorm room without Jimin's help.

Greeted the new classmates with a real enough smile. Faced the teachers who have never heard my name with what I had hoped was believable remorse. Made a trip to the campus store by myself after the last class finally reached its inevitable but beautiful end.

Went back to the dorm room and had a beer. Two beers. Three and then at some point. Lost count and fell asleep.

Repeated to do the same thing for the following two weeks.

And then I saw Jungkook walking next to V first thing in the morning. Smiling and chatting away.

I saw red.

So, I turned on my heel and skipped class. Convinced Jimin it was a health-related issue and not an emotional one that made me leave him alone for the rest of the day, only to secretly go on a drunk expedition to find whiskey or vodka outside the university's gates. Since the small store inside the campus didn't sell it and I had built an annoying tolerance for anything that had only 5 percent alcohol. Succeeded in finding the biggest market I've ever seen after walking for two hours straight.Not because there wasn't any other store on the way, but because I just couldn't stop walking.

Drank some on the way back and most on the floor next to my bed. Collapsed in the communal bathroom and was carried back by a kind stranger after I've recalled the room number which took two embarrassing, unwelcome intrusions into the rooms next to the right one.

Since that eye-opening day, I used the long way to that store to motivate me to jog again. Started eating a lot of meat and good carbohydrates to gain muscle. Yet continued to buy strong liquor from that store for two-whole months, despite eating healthily and exercising to an unhealthy extent.

It started with two hours a day and then I would only stop when my body wouldn't let me get up or the room wouldn't stop spinning. The silver lining was that I looked stronger on the outside. Even though I felt sick on the inside.

Started paying a classmate religiously, so I could copy all the material he had or got from anyone else. And attended class sparingly after I figured out exactly how much one could skip and how much I had to study to obtain grades that would be high enough to keep my scholarship.

For a while, it turned out to be a bulletproof plan. My body was busy with exercise and my mind was busy with retaining information until the liquor made it all blurry.

However, on one sunny day, I went back to my room and threw the books on the floor one by one after I've attended the only class that day. The class that all literature majors had to attend. The one Jungkook was also part of. And he didn't even look my way. Something that I thought I was used to by now. But for some reason I couldn't logically find a reason why that day in particular... it bothered me.

Therefore, I packed all my frustration and went to bed after jogging until the sun went down, and yet, couldn't fall asleep or find it in me to do anything but stare at the ceiling. That's when Jimin came stumbling inside the darkroom with a guy. They drunkenly giggled and kissed on his bed for about half an hour. Then the bed started making squawking sounds for about fifteen minutes. And then it stopped.

My vision went red again.

I walked out without saying one word and when Jimin asked me why I wouldn't sleep there anymore, I'd change the subject. Days escaped through my fingers as I got drunk and slept in Malek's bed. But Malek didn't seem to be feeling as comfortable as I was in my new room.

I suspected it was mainly because he's been sleeping on blankets stacked on top of each other on the floor. And that was one of the many reasons he was constantly complaining.

"Who feels like doing pushups when they're drunk? I mean, it makes no sense! Don't you feel like…sitting down?! You freak of nature." Malek judged me without any real ill intent or without tearing his eyes away from the computer screen.

On the fifth day, though, I was told that I will either help him with his homework or he will kick me out since I had to make the bitching that he got from his roommate worth the trouble. That's what the most sedentary guy I've ever met thought he could do to me. I had a good laugh from it and let him believe that for four more days.

It was only after I did humor him and he realized that unless he also got smashed, my explications would not make much sense that he called Jimin to come get me. For some reason, it felt like someone was calling my mother. Well, a better mother than I've ever had.

One whom crossed his arms and had the patience to repeat the same words over and over again without losing his temper.

"Come with me." Jimin requested for the tenth time.

"No," I said.

"Malek, grab him."

"No." He said.

Jimin hung his head and shook it. And then talked softly without looking up.

"If I promise I'll never bring anyone in our room ever again. Will you please come back?"

Malek jumped from the gaming chair, fuming.

"You scored already?! Jimin, if you knew girls then why did you never introduce me to…"

I interrupted Malek's attempt to get Bambi the unpaid job of being the worst wing-man.

"Are you in a relationship with him now?"

Malek sat back down slowly. Mouth ajar.

"No. It was a one-time thing, Namjoon. And next time, I'll go to the other person's room. Ok?"

"Fine."

I followed Jimin until we were almost out of the room when I turned to look at a Malek that was far too shocked by what he had learned to blink or acknowledge my existence.

"Wait." I told Jimin.

"Wait for what? Namjoon, come on! I'll keep my word. You know that I…"

I took one of Malek's post-its, wrote a 'thanks for your bed, I owe you' on it, and stuck it to his forehead. He didn't move after that either.

There was something that Jimin had that I wasn't sure Malek had, which was some sort of weird loyalty towards me. Since he's been keeping his word since day one.

And it freaked me to no end.

He either made sure he talked to Jungkook or was near him daily. He also told me everything that he swore to Jungkook that he won't narrate back to me. He's also told him that we don't talk much. Because I was a 'bad person'. And I couldn't blame Jungkook for believing him.

But I could blame him for interacting with everyone who had any kind of drug. From going to the smallest gathering of a few degenerates to full-blown parties that ended with students running before the teachers had arrived because of the noise complaints. For getting along with V and worst of all, for talking V up to Jimin. ′

I wasn't aware that parties were happening behind closed doors until Jimin assured me they were mostly happening in the bigger rooms, where people went to in order to socialize and use illegal stuff. And not a party for normal students who didn't know anybody.

I thought of it as broken people gravitating around other broken people who knew more broken people. I did doubt some stuff Jungkook told Jimin, but I didn't doubt this bit of information for one second.

When Bambi told me that Jungkook went to those parties with V, I didn't cease my jogging session until both knees gave out. By then, I was too far away from the campus. And far away from the teachers or students who would call the police on me for smashing V's face into the wall repeatedly.

But as I was laying on the grass, hands outreached on both sides and looking up at the grey skies, I couldn't shake the feeling there was only a matter of time until V made a move and Jungkook would say yes. Or he already made a move and didn't tell Jimin about it.

This is why, no matter how numb I was feeling, I continued to push every single emotion back down as soon as it surfaced. Only to find that it was still there, in the back of my mind, going: Tick-tock, tick-tock.

"I got ourselves some beers and…coffee." Jimin let me know.

He pointed at the six-pack and the vending machine iced coffee beside it.

"That's an odd combination. But whatever floats your boat."

I sat on the floor of our room and ripped out one of the beers. Guzzled it down without caring when my body protested. Without caring when some spilled from the sides of my lips. Or when there was nothing left inside it.

"Why can't they make 2 liters beer bottles?" I questioned with frustration.

"I think they do…"

"I'll just have another."

"Go ahead."

Drank this one slower, but both eyebrows went up when Jimin started drinking too. And we kept drinking and talking about what happened with him while I was gone. And what happened to me while I was gone since our different schedules only seemed to fit reports about Jungkook and not much else lately.

"He doesn't snore... he breathes fire!"

Jimin chuckled, slapping his leg at the way I described Malek's snoring.

"He's a good guy…"

I put a hand up before I started defending myself.

"I'm not saying he's not a good guy, but he will die before he reaches thirty from all that ramen. I can respect a frugal and convenient lifestyle more than the average person, but…how doesn't he get sick of it?" I winced at the thought of eating packaged ramen one more time.

"Didn't he ask you the same thing?"

"Hey, today's packaged chicken breasts have so many different types of seasoning, all right? And I don't plan on eating it forever. I'm consciously choosing it. But he's just…avoiding making any culinary decision, ever?! Maybe? He just said it tastes good. And I went: oh, yeah, that explains the fifty packs from your closet."

I threw my hands up in the air, but Bambi didn't smile this time.

"I was talking about the beer…and the rest of the bottles of whiskey and rum? Or vodka?"

"You named two different things, right?"

"Three?"

I drunkenly swayed and waved his worry away by blaming on my faulty recollection of reality.

"That's more variety than the one chicken noodle ramen pack. Isn't it? So why would he judge me? I didn't judge him…at first…"

"You clearly did!" He chuckled and took a sip of beer.

"Not at first! And not until I was too tired to go to the store and decided to have what he was having. But all he had was ramen. Every Single Damn day!"

"You're still judging him."

"He was judging me so I judged him back. I think it was only fair at that point…"

"Well…that was an uneventful move, wasn't it?" He sighed.

"Uneventful? How dare you? Falling on top of a sleeping Malek isn't something that should be immortalized forever?"

"I guess." He shrugged and continued, amusement fading, "But I am surprised you remember it at all, considering…" He pointed at the beer I was holding with his own beer.

"Bambi, will you drop it already? I'm fine. I can hold my liquor."

"I believe you can. But if you keep drinking that doesn't mean you're immune. It just makes you feel like being drunk is your default mode." He nodded to himself, smacking his lips.

"You drink too." I pointed at his beer with my beer.

"Yeah. Once a week. Like any responsible student."

He finished with a boasting grin. And I pointed at the door lazily, saying:

"Go get your golden star. It's on the other side of the door. I swear."

Then leaned back against the desk's drawers. Gulping down the remains of the second beer.

He suddenly furrowed both brows and asked:

"Aren't you drunk already?"

"After two beers?" I inquired with surprise, arching an eyebrow.

"I'm buzzed after one. How do you do it?"

"You go past that. And you keep going until…"

"Until?"

"You can't drink anymore."

"And when's that?"

Pondered and concluded to him and myself:

"When you fall asleep,"

"Huh. You don't sound like you have a problem at all."

"Right? I don't. You're just a bad drinker."

"You're right. It's my problem…clearly…"

He smiled nervously as I handed him a second beer and urged him to drink it like a shot.

"Don't stop to think."

"My head hurts..."

"Have another. You'll forget."

"I'll throw up!"

"Sure. But you'll forget."

"What?"

'Everything.' I thought.

"You said you'll drink with me today, Bambi. But you might've as well been sipping tea," I complained, not hiding my amusement.

"And I told you to stop calling me Bambi!"

"I will, if you can finish that beer."

He looked at the opened can and then back up at me with newfound urgency.

"You swear?"

I nodded.

He took a sip.

"If you finish it all in less than ten seconds. Ten, nine…"

"Who adds rules after…"

"Eight, seven…"

And he attempted the impossible. With his Adam's apple going up and down wildly. Cheeks getting redder in a matter of seconds.

"Five, four, three, two…"

And he slammed the bottom of the can to the floor. Gag reflex having won over willpower.

I patted his back with a proud smirk when he started wheezing.

"You tried your best Bambi. That's all that matters."

"I told you not to call me that." He mumbled.

I snatched the beer from his hand and shook it.

"You didn't finish it so you can't tell me what to call you."

"I think." A hiccup was followed by "I'll die."

"Bambi's can't die. They might get shot, but they'll magically survive." I deadpanned and then finished the liquid he couldn't get down.

Jimin's eyes got unfocused just like that. Movements started looking uncoordinated.

I almost expected him to remind me what his name was again, but instead, he was tapping the floor occasionally. Glaring at the beer cans like they were mocking him and I just couldn't hear them because of some sort of magical barrier.

"What? I'll go buy more if you want to try again."

"No. I don't want to drink anymore, Namjoon."

He turned quiet and then looked away.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

"You feel like throwing up?"

"Not really. Or not yet?"

"Want some water?"

"Namjoon. Why do you call me Bambi all the time?"

"Mm…you remind me of it?"

"I remind you of a deer?" He enunciated the words as if he was speaking another language.

"Got a problem with that?" I curtly bit back.

"No. No…Not a real problem." Both hands went up in defense.

"Good." I stated softly.

I reached out for another beer, but he grabbed the beer before I got to it.

I arched a brow when he kept going: "What's your opinion on Bambi exactly?"

"He's cute. Innocent. Unfortunate. And a fucking deer. Now, are you really about to drink that even if you look like you're about to self-combust?"

"No. You can have it." He handed it over and then sat on his knees before me. Watching me with utmost seriousness.

"It's not that deep, Jimin."

"I know."

"Good."

I had a few sips and then almost got up when a hand touched my chest.

"I have to tell you something."

He was too close. Far too close if I could smell the beer on his breath.

"I'm listening…"

"But you have to promise you won't get mad."

"I won't."

"Or drink more. Although I don't believe that's humanly possible," He said mostly to himself as he eyed the numerous empty bottles that decorated our dorm room.

"Agreed?" I asked, feeling suspicious.

He went on: "Or do anything stupid. Ok?"

"Ahem."

"I always kept my word towards you. You have to keep your word too."

I put the beer down.

"What's this about?"

"Pinky promise?"

"It's starting to sound kind of serious. So, I'm sorry, but I'd rather keep my 'getting mad' privileges."

The air quotes did not make my frown appear more friendly.

"Then I am not telling you." He crossed his arms adorably.

"Yes, you are." I breathed out with a loaded smirk.

He tilted his head to the side, puzzled.

"I am?"

"Yes, you are. Right now."

"Promise first." He showed me his pinkie and I just covered it with my whole hand.

"I'm not promising shit." I sternly stated and then allowed my voice to get louder after every word I barked: "Tell me what the fuck…!"

"No. This was a bad idea. Forget I said anything."

"Jimin…" I warned.

"No. Just forget it. I'm going to the bathroom."

He got up and took one step towards the door. And I swiped one leg under the unmoving leg, only to calmly watch him fall on his knees and hands.

"OUCH! That hurt. Why did you do that?"

"Tell me." I grabbed his ankle and slid him towards me.

"I said I'm not telling you!"

"I have no patience lately, Jimin. So, just tell me."

He was face down at my left, right under my arm so I grabbed his shirt and pulled him up close enough to catch his neck and have him look straight at me.

He was making a whining sound that he always did when he was very uncomfortable.

I didn't squeeze.

"I'm just keeping you still," I informed him after taking a deep breath to still the dizziness from the alcohol. "Now tell me."

"I said no."

"Jimin!" I warned for the second time.

"What? Are you going to force it out of me?!" He snapped.

I took another deep breath and let go of him.

"No. You're free. Go do whatever the fuck you want. But don't tell me you need to tell me something and then not tell it to me ever again. Frankly, I think anyone would be annoyed by that."

"Ok."

And that was the end of it. I grabbed the half-spilled beer, got up, and walked out. Finished it on the way out of the building.

I felt a slither of self-respect for holding back. But the more I walked in the crisp air, the more I felt like not knowing what he was about to say was going to make me lose what was left of my sanity.

By the time I reached the only store on campus, I realized that I forgot to take my wallet. And was about to go back when I heard the voice that's been haunting every waking and sleeping moment saying to the cashier: "Marlboro 7, with menthol."

"Let me check if we're out or not."

Someone with a hoodie came up to Jungkook and rested their arms around his shoulders.

'Red. The world is red again.'

Hence, I looked away and squatted down behind the chips. Dug dull nails into my own fists until the pain was distracting enough. The slight, almost nonexistent bodily pain was incomparable to the one in my chest.

Anyone who saw this predicament would probably think that I'm either avoiding them or that I'm at least eavesdropping.

But I was doing neither.

I was hiding them from myself.

Telling myself that I could stay in control if I didn't see his face. That it was better. That it was what he wanted. That he was happier. But then I heard:

"Do you feel better?"

"Of course.".

"Really? You look like you're about to faint."

"Nah. I liked it."

'And that's, if I know anything about Jungkook at all, a motherfucking lie.' I thought, frowning.

I pulled my hoodie over my eyes. And followed them when they were out of the cramped store. Trailed them when they went into a building that wasn't Jungkook's. Followed them down the narrow, crowded hallway. And watched them both go inside dorm room 112.

And then I stood still.

Waiting.

And kept waiting.

People passed by. And the numbness took over once more. As if the second Jungkook was gone, so were all of my emotions.

Yet a part of me kept waiting.

Half an hour must've passed.

And I've obtained some kind of answer to a question I didn't dare to ask myself when two more guys went into dorm room 112.

I felt some sort of relief.

'But the guy Bambi got fucked by was finished in 15 min.'

I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes at the thought before I turned around and opened my eyes just in time to catch V's ugly mug staring back at me with the most sickening grin his face was capable of.

"What's up?" He inquired. Hands in his pockets just like me. Hoodie up, just like me. Eyes red, unlike mine.

"Nothing's up."

"Really? Cause it seems like you're spying on your ex." He leaned in as if that fact permitted him to do so.

"He's not my ex." I spat the words in his face.

"Aw, that's the cute story you like to tell yourself?" He mocked in a baby voice.

I closed my eyes and demanded, in a lower voice than I wanted to:

"Move aside."

"And if I don't?"

"I'll move you."

"I don't think you want to do that."

"I don't think I want to do anything else."

I sidestepped mainly because I wasn't willing to let Jungkook know I was there without having another good reason, but V had me dead in my tracks one step in.

"You wouldn't like to go into the room Jungkook just went in? Hmm? Really? But I can get you in. And I'll throw in a present and tell them that you're a friend from school too."

I turned to look at him to make sure I didn't hallucinate what I've just heard.

"What the fuck are you…"

"An orphan. But a friend nonetheless." He tilted his head and then went on, "And Jungkook will be so startled to see you, he won't be able to say a thing." The eyes were smiling too, and if a pinned dropped, my mind couldn't have been more silent as it kept listening to him casually spouting nonsense: "And you'll make new friends, assuming you'll play the nice card you play to fool people to stay by your side. Not only that! You'll make Jungkook's new friends, your friends. And the two of you will probably live happily ever after and all that shit that orphans never get to do."

He moved his eyebrows up and down, boxy smile getting wider.And I peeked to the side, at the wall, and then back at him, burying the fists from inside the pockets deeper.

"Is this how you plan on killing me? Get me in a room with a bunch of guys using Jungkook as bait?" Was my best guess to his intentions.

"Would you risk it?" He closed the distance between us again. "What's it going to be Monster, your life or Jungkook?"

"I'd rather take your life," I responded without missing a beat.

"You don't have anything left to lose. Do you?" Hands outstretched on each side; "Do you?" He shook his head and mouthed a 'no' before I've said a word. And the same dumb smile remained plastered on his stupid face as he was walking backwards.

"…"

"I'll introduce you as my friend if you come now. But! If you go in after the door is shut, then I'll introduce you as Jungkook's rapist. Your choice." He shrugged and quickly added: "And no second chances."

He patted me on the shoulder and headed toward the door. And I watched him touching the handle, swiveling his head to ask:

"What will it be?"

That boxy, unnatural smile wasn't making me see red for once. It was confusing. Like the color green. Gross, but weirdly calming as well.

The students that were walking by, talking. The rap music coming from a nearby room. The relentless stepping of someone exercising or dancing on the second floor.

And all I could hear was: Tick-tock, tick-tock!

Door 112 was being opened by Kim Taehyung.

And time was running out.

In slow motion.

Tick-tock.

I watched a hand that could've been none other than Jungkook's reaching out through the crack for the jelly's that V just got out of his pocket as if he knew that'll draw Jungkook out.

I couldn't see his face. And he couldn't see mine.

But I could've recognized that hand out of one hundred hands.

Tick.

And V took a step in.

Tock.

'Kill me then.'

I was the one who followed V so closely that I could've pretty much back hugged him if I wanted to.

The one who Jungkook stared at with two bloodshot, doe-like eyes right before his gaze landed on me.

And time started flowing normally again. As if my life until now has been slow-motion torture until I could breathe steadily next to Jungkook's unsteady breathing.

"V, what the shits? Who's the tall guy?" Someone shouted from the bed that was on my far right.

"My friend."

Taehyung responded swiftly, sitting down and crossing his legs on one of the pillows that were scattered on the floor. And then accepted a cigarette from the closest one of the three.

Jungkook was standing before me. Still, as a statue. The unopened jelly bag hanging from two fingers.

Forgotten.

"Kook, do you know him?"

"They were classmates." V casually replied instead and then shoot me an irritated expression.

Hence, I sidestepped Jungkook and sat down next to V.

"Hi, I'm Kim Namjoon."

"Dwayne, another Kim! And he's introducing himself as a Kim!" A black guy rolling a joint accused a chubby Korean guy who was looking down at his phone on the same bed.

"Good for him! Fucking common ass name. They should invent new ones soon." He looked up and added:" No disrespect."

"None taken."

"Then all three of you went to the same school?"

And the face of the guy with the hoodie from the store was right in front of me. Sat down, legs outstretched, eyes just as red as Jungkook's.

'I will slice you open like a fish.' I thought.

"Yeah. All three of us."

"Kook, you didn't tell me a thing about him."

But Jungkook didn't respond. And I was too busy remembering every mole and line on the guy's long face to pay Jungkook's not moving, frail silhouette any mind.

"You want some or what?" The black guy inquired.

And I nodded without thinking.

'I want to burn his eyes while they're still inside his skull.'

"He's Kim…ahem." V chuckled when said guy shoot him an evil eye, and V rectified his intentional mistake, "Dwayne."

"Shit face." Dwayne also introduced V.

"That's Martin."

"The best man you'll ever meet." The black guy raised his chin at me for one second before dropping it, and I did the same.

"And this is Jay."

"Nice to meet you," I said those words and shook his hand because he offered it.

'Cut his hand off and beat him with it.'

"Kook, come sit if you want to roll."

And those were the magic words.

Jungkook walked up to Jay, a not much taller haired Korean guy. Who's Korean name was probably Jae. Long and skinny. Wearing baggy clothes. There was a similarity in our styles. None in the face. And yet…

He sat down beside him with both legs tucked under him. Staring down at the jelly bag from inside two open palms as if he was praying to it.

"You ain't going to eat that?" Jay asked him before taking it away.

Jungkook didn't react. He simply kept staring down as if it was still there.

I clenched and unclenched my fists.

The bag got opened at least. Jay threw a few in his mouth and then put the bag back into Jungkook's open hands before he supported himself in the palm of his hands again. Leaning back comfortably.

"Hey, Martin. I think he's having some breakdown from that shit again."

"What shit?" I asked, a bit too fast.

"Just some love and some coke." Jay's socked foot started moving up and down before me as he went on, "Nothing big. Done any of it?"

"Oh, I've done everything."

"Don't believe you man," Jay said so, but started giggling after Martin did too.

Jungkook however didn't have any trouble believing me which I assumed was why he looked up and straight at me, intently. Looking twice more surprised than before.

"Yo! Martin. He said he's done everything!" Jay seemed to want to make Martin do more than laugh at me.

"Who sold you LSD man? I'd love to know that fucking Jesus sent mofo. They be hiding from me for two years now." Martin took it as a chance to make a new connection. His voice was slow and steady. His eyes were quick, and his fingers quicker. Lighting up, inhaling some, and passing it on to Dwayne in short, practiced steps.

"I sold myself LSD."

I felt V watching me just as intently as Jungkook now.

"No way! V! You got us a dealer friend?"

Dwayne looked up from his phone at last.

"Ex-dealer." I enunciated. "Quit before I left."

"Good for you, man." Martin breathed out, lightly slapping himself in the face to show both his respect and disappointment.

Dwayne leaned forward and passed the joint to Jay.

"Do you think you can get us some if we visit you where you used to sell?" Martin wanted to know.

"It will be my treat." I lied with a smile.

"You're still on good terms with your turf?" The first question Dwayne's asked. And he didn't break eye contact until I responded.

"I'd say so."

"They don't want to kill you or nothing?" Jay interrogated me next, mouth and eyes wide, taking another long hit before passing it to Jungkook.

From his lips to Jungkook's lips.

'Red. Green. Red. Green.'

"Not yet. Maybe in a few years." I replied.

"Shit. You're joking, right?" Jay sounded serious for once only to wrap it up with a chuckle and a cough.

"Yeah…joking." I mocked.

And V took over the newfound silence and the joint from Jungkook's hands.

"He'll be fine. I'll keep him safe." He suddenly confessed this bit of endearing information to them and me. It took everything in me not to act shocked or to outright ridicule his newfound love for me.

"Man, did you know this guy's dad a cop?" Martin pointed at V from the bed with one long, skinny hand.

"He's told me." The darkness of that statement didn't slip out, but then it dawned on me that V didn't light up the dead joint. I looked down and it was in front of me. The same size it was when Jungkook passed it on, next to a tiny violet lighter.

'He didn't want to kiss Jungkook indirectly…but why?'

"Thanks." I heard myself saying before lighting it up as if I've done it a million times. In front of the guys who had probably done it a million times and one. Jungkook would've probably seemed suspicious if they weren't all busy peeking underneath full, distrustful eyelashes.

Through the leftover dizziness of the beer, I sucked in. And the cough that wanted to come up, I forced it down with so much power that it ran away like a scared animal. I took another puff. Laughed at V's bad joke. And then passed it on to him.

And when the joint made the rounds again and my vision got compromised, I reached forwards and took a jelly out of Jungkook's colorful jelly bag.

The rest were busy talking about some party Dwayne's found out about from a friend he's been texting.

But V was watching me turning the jelly bean on all sides.

And when Jay stared directly at me, I swallowed it. The sweetness was so good and so bad for me.

The more I smoked; the newfound drowsiness helped me remain calm. The haziness of the room made Jay's face seem like it was from another planet. And everyone started to move slower. So slow that it seemed that I've been here forever and I'll be here until I'll die from the black hole in my chest.

"Nam, do you want to go to the party?"

V asked, passing me the joint.

"What party?" I asked and that earned me a lot of high, ecstatic laughs.

I smiled too. Wondering: 'What did I say? I forgot.'

"What was the last time you've smoked?" Jay inquired, all smug.

"Been a while," I disclosed without meaning to.

"So, you didn't hear anything we're been…"

V cut Jay off.

"We're going to a party tomorrow. Wanna come?"

I inhaled deeper than before. With more intent than before. Feeling the smoke filling the wound. For just a moment before I exhaled it out.

And let out an uncaring "Fine."

"Cool." Martin got off the bed. I didn't know why, but he halted mid-step, awkwardly, when I outstretched the joint toward a mute Jungkook.

Our eyes met and all the pain seemed to spill out of them.

And the tears fell from the black hole right into Jungkook's eyes to wet them.

V snatched the joint and lighter from my hand in a hurry and passed it off to Martin.

Then Jay leaned forwards to pat me on the knee, and with a grin, whispered: "Come tomorrow. It'll be fun."

"Fun," I repeated, looking at the hand that had just touched me and then at Jungkook who was still avoiding me even though we were in the same room. Two steps away from each other.

'Fun.' I thought.

'It'll be 'fun.'

'It's all for 'fun'.

'My love is having 'fun' with you guys.'

'Cause my love is not having any 'fun' with me.'

'You're having 'fun' with my only love.'

'And I want to have 'fun' too somehow.'

'But I don't think I can have 'fun' anymore.'

'Thinking of it, when was the last time I've had any 'fun?'

'I can't seem to remember…'

'I can't remember one specific damn time!'

'But maybe there's nothing to remember.'

'There's only this fucking pain that won't give me any break...'

'And I deserve it.'

'I deserve pain.'

'I don't deserve 'fun'.'

'Or do I Jungkook? Do you want me to have 'fun'?'

'Cause the last time I had fun was when I was with you.'

'I don't know when or why.'

'But I think I had 'fun' with you.'

'And now I am wondering if you had 'fun' too.'

'Cause maybe then you can remind me when I also had 'fun'.'

'If you remember it. But I doubt you remember anything besides the bad stuff.'

'Don't you? Cause I do too.'

'I only remember the bad.'

'I seem to vomit out the good.'

'Cause the good hurts my stomach.'

'Which makes no sense.'

'And yet I feel it.'

'Somewhere in the middle of the chest.'

'Ripping me to shreds like a fucking rabid animal.'

'And I wish it'd do it faster.'

'Tear me open, Jungkook.'

'Now. Not later.'

'Do it now.'

'Kill me.'

'So, I can die happy.'

'So, I can feel happiness'

'The only type of happiness I can feel.'

'The …painful kind.'

"But yeah, fun…" I whispered.

"What's he mumbling by himself?" Jay asked a smoking V.

"He said he's having fun."