Casual?

'This is not what I should be doing.' Is what I kept repeating to myself as I followed the three new 'friends', a sworn enemy and the not self-proclaimed ex-lover of mine.

The party turned out to be a real party and not only a small gathering.

Half of the students were there to let loose after they had the first taste of their new hell. I lied about feeling the pain of the freshmen and steered clear of those I remembered seeing before which was hard to do considering the party took place in five open dorm rooms and one of my fellow students who knew me seemed to be in every room, giving me the evil eye every time. They knew that I attended just enough to survive and then magically got bigger grades than them. And they didn't bother to keep it a secret that they all unanimously hated me after I claimed that I simply studied daily. Even the guy I was paying was pretending to abhor me at this point. Or he really did, but he needed money to much to spit in my face.

But I wasn't the one who was willingly going from room to room and greeting new people. Martin and V were doing that for me.

However, I was honestly indifferent to my grades or reputation.

'My grandma's probably turning in her grave.'

It was the fact that I was following Jungkook like a lost puppy all night that I had a problem with. That I wished it wasn't obvious, but at the same time, anyone who was paying close attention would guess what I was doing at some point.

They probably thought I was following all of them since I came here because they've invited me.

But if Jungkook went to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom. If he had a drink, I had a drink.

He went outside to smoke weed with the others so I did too. They went back inside, he had a beer, and then went back out. It was a never-ending cycle of smoking. The more 'clear air' we were getting, the stupider our conversations became.

"That girl's hair. Did you see her hair?" Dwayne asked, pointing in awe.

"Like a mermaid." Jay went on.

"Must feel like burnt straws."

Martin stuck his tongue out briefly to emphasize his disgust, but then he replaced it with his usual cheery yet confident expression.

"How does she survive out of water?" Jay questioned the logic in a logic-less conversation.

"She's also a witch?" V assumed.

"Got it." I clapped and got their undivided attention. "See what's she's drinking?" I pointed at the blue Gatorade bottle.

All but Jungkook shamelessly turned their heads and ogled at it.

"I can see it," Dwayne whispered as if no one else should know that.

"That's a potion she has to drink every single day to keep her legs."

"Who keeps a potion in a plastic bottle?" Martin pointed out. I shook my head and crossed my arms, implying they were amateurs.

"How else would you drink a potion in public without other people getting suspicious?"

They all nodded and applauded for a mystery well solved.

Jungkook facepalmed himself.

That was all I remember happening in the past four hours before I plummeted on the couch next to V.

Jungkook was the only one dancing. With a girl no less.

And despite all the weed I have inhaled and all the beers I had in the trunk. No one could stop me from watching every move the two made. Or if their faces indicated that any move will be made later.

So far. V thought I was paranoid and that it meant nothing.

"You need to stop torturing yourself, dude."

"You need to stop calling me dude." I mumbled between clenched teeth.

"I, so wish I could dude. But it rubbed off on me. I got this guy in my class…" He slapped a hand on my shoulder but I cut his wind short.

"Don't care."

"Monster, you're one sour cookie."

"And you grow hair fast. Would you like me to help you shave it back up?"

"Burned." But he chuckled and that had me retreating even more in my shell.

If it was the ecstasy or the weed, I couldn't tell. But V was making an effort to get along. And it pissed me to no end. Well, as pissed as a high, drunk could be.

"She's really not that hot." He observed.

"She doesn't have to be." I argued.

"You're saying looks don't matter to Jungkook? Go get your self-esteem, dude, it must be in that trash can from the corner."

"V. Really, I'm trying not to kill you, honestly. But it's really hard cause you won't stop talking like a real…"

"What are you two doing?" Jay wondered, holding onto a happy, wobbly Martin and blocking the path to a slow dancing Jungkook.

"Where's Dwayne?" V searched for him by moving his whole head.

"He's making a move on that chick…over there!" Jay pointed a relatively respectful, hidden finger at his bigger friend talking to a chick that was two times Dwayne's already copious size.

"He likes them big huh," I thought out loud.

And they laughed.

"You are the funniest guy I've ever met." Marin let me know.

"I'm just surprised." I shrugged. "I thought bigger guys like smaller…girls and vice versa. I don't know when I've learned that. Guess it's something someone said about wanting the opposite of what you got or something. It must've stuck."

"Talking about yourself much?" V murmured, and pretended to see something the other way when I squinted my eyes at him, not angry enough though. Which surprised me. He didn't notice.

"There's no such rule." Jay waved that notion away like a mosquito in the air.

"I hate skinny chicks. They hurt my body. Literally."

"Martin, that's because you're a stick yourself." Jay deadpanned.

"Exactly. Two sticks can't hit each other without giving each other splinters and hurting and shit."

Martin's high brain gad just now realized that the smallest stick wasn't here: "Where's Kookster? Kookie Ko? Kook son?!" When he started singing all the ways he could butcher Jungkook's name, V pointed a lazy, obvious long finger at the small skinny guy dancing with another skinny girl, saying: "Right there, papa Martin."

"He's got game, that one. All quiet and then boom!" Martin mimicked a bomb with his voice, unlatching himself from Jay in the process, "Using his smooth voice only for the ladies."

"By that, do you mean he's done this befo…" And V pinched me hard enough to not let continue that question.

"Don't worry." That was all he whispered in my ear before getting up and walking to the dancing duo.

"He's doing it again." Jay was talking mostly to himself, but I had to ask what he meant. Which got me a shrug and an explanation:

"Every time Kook gets near a girl; he goes and does something. I'm not sure what but Kook never ends up going out with any of them after Tae hits them with his godly cock blocking techniques." He half bowed to an imaginary King V, and continued, "He's done it to me too once. She was so terrified of the sexual diseases he's spelled out in such gory detail that she ran away. And I mean, physically ran away like she was on the track team or something. And that was after she previously told me she was a painter, so heh…maybe I dodged a liar."

And sure enough, V's height was advantageous enough to lock both of them in an awkward hug. Towering over them like a living Slenderman.

"I think he likes him." I threw it out there and the eyes of not only Martin but Jay's too got wider. And then relaxed.

"Maybe."

"Could be."

They assumed and watched Jungkook getting dragged back to our couch with a sour face.

'No jealousy, huh?'

V pushed him in the empty seat next to me, grinning.

And before I knew what he's told them exactly, Martin and Jay were gone too.

"Hi," I told him, and despite the loud music, he heard it.

"Hi."

And then we watched people going left and right. Rubbing their bodies to the sound of the music. Talking and making bets over cards. Joking and flirting. But mostly, snorting and drinking.

And there was us, entirely silent.

I sighed.

"No luck with the galls?"

He didn't make any particular facial expression that would let me know what he was thinking. He just leaned forward and used his knees as a resting place for his elbows.

"She wasn't my type."

That answer had me biting the inside of my cheek.

"Oh, yeah? What's your type?"

One eyebrow lifted slightly and then returned to its usual place in a matter of seconds.

"Someone who likes to get high all the time. Who doesn't want to do much of anything? And who has a good…heart."

"Hmm. And you think she's in here?" I asked with genuine disbelief.

"There are more chances she's here than studying in her dorm room."

"Yeah, but if she likes to get high all the time and doesn't want to do much…I doubt she's here."

"Maybe you're right."

He straightened up and stretched.

"What about you?" He asked. I assumed, only to fill up the silence. Or for the two who were obviously comforting Dwayne to see that we got along since they've never seen us talking alone so far.

'Keeping up the pretense, Jungkook? Must be tiring.'

"Hmm…I like guys who like to be high all the time, who don't want to do much, and who have this innocent feeling to them and yet not so much that I want to throw up." I curtly and confidently described this, only to hear him saying:

"Liar."

That word coming from him had me blinking rapidly before shutting my eyes in bitter surrender.

"Yeah, you're right." I leaned back and looked up at the ceiling. "I like guys who know how to cook, who like to get fucked for a long time, anytime, anywhere, and who are honest. Guys, who look …cute? Anything else, might not be a deal breaker though."

"Wow. Overloading on honesty tonight." He joked. But it was hard to laugh at the truth.

"Namjoon?"

"Hm?"

"What are we doing?" He whispered. And I somehow heard it through the ruckus.

"Searching for our soulmates?"

'Or that's what you seem to be doing...' I thought with bitterness.

"You haven't moved much for someone who's looking."

"…you want me to start looking again?" I dared to ask with an exaggerated whiff of energy, but that question left a sour taste behind as soon as I've verbalized it.

"Yes. I think I do."

He admitted, looking into my eyes with two red eyes.

And pain bloomed in my chest. And kept blooming. Like weeds on an already weed-filled hill. They bloomed and they died since there was no fertile ground, only gray, and black ash.

The room seemed darker now. The colors got sucked out just like that. People's smiles made me sad all of a sudden and the guy who was laughing way too loud in the corner, I wanted to make him stop through peaceful or less peaceful ways cause maybe I'd hurt less.

"Fine." That was all I could say before walking over to the first guy that I saw, tapping him on the turned back. Before I greeted him with nothing but a hi.

He turned around, green cocktail in hand.

'At least he has longish hair.'

"Hello?" Two full lips remained puckered as if to indicate surprise. But his eyes seemed flattered before I even opened my mouth to let him know why I approached him in the first place.

"What's your name?" I went on.

"Why? Did that guy over there pay you to ask?"

"No. I saw you and thought you seemed…what's the word Jimin used…mmm… nice. Nicely? Careful?"

The fact that I hadn't turned to where he was pointing at seemed to have him more surprised.

"Ohh."

"I am Kim Namjoon." I stretched out a hand and he shook it.

"Kim Seok-Jin."

"A total of three Kim's now."

"Huh?"

"I came here with a friend and his name's also Kim."

"Oooh... Listen."

I interrupted the preachy tone before it rejected me.

"Would you like to have a drink sometimes? Not now. I'm kind of buzzed and it won't be an accurate representation of myself, or yourself. Judging by the… drink? If you don't mind me asking, what is that?"

"You want to have coffee with me?" He asked, ignoring my pointing finger.

"Why is that so shocking?"

"It's not…it's just…I'm old."

"You don't look old."

"Well, thank you. You don't either."

I grinned.

"That's because I'm not old."

"Fresh meat? Ooh, I meant, freshmen."

I nodded.

He took a big gulp of his cocktail.

As I was asking: "I have bad manners. Forgot to ask, are you by any chance…gay?"

That question hung between us for a moment or two before he nodded, ears aflame.

"You too, huh. Good. Then, your number?" I sidestepped a bit so I could catch a glimpse of Jungkook who was doing exactly what I wished he was. Staring directly at us. Averting his eyes only after I caught him staring. "Please?" I tried again, shoving my phone in his face at this point.

"I know I'm handsome and you don't look like you'd take money from that idiot."

"I didn't and I never will. Swear."

The moment I sat back down between Jungkook and V. The smaller guy didn't get a word in.

"Did I just see you getting a guy's number?" V asked with feigned shock at the gender and more shock at the action itself. While the other three were the ones who appeared most bewildered after the word 'guy' came out of his mouth.

"Yeah. Why? Anyone's got a problem with that?" I nearly shouted.

"No." Two of them said in unison. Dwayne just shrugged, mumbling: "Wouldn't have guessed in two million years, but it's your dick, not mine."

I turned to look at Jungkook but he was pretending to pay attention to the muted Tv.

'He's going to be the death of me. I swear.'

"That means that Dwayne has failed, Jungkook failed, but you've done it? Quickly too…" Martin looked perplexed. I simply nodded.

"Wow. You need to teach me." Dwayne requested that, but started texting right away.

"Anytime."

"Alright, guys, I propose, since the night is no longer so young, that we go outside and enjoy the last of our Kush, dance, all four of us until we get tired and then hit the hay. I got an important class tomorrow." Martin told us all.

"You are aware that it's three am, don't you?" Jungkook asked.

And then this foreign worry hit me:

'Jimin. Jimin isn't here, is he?'

I searched around on our way out, but there was not one pink-haired guy in that particular room.

We hid behind the same tree and passed around the longest joint between the four of us.

"You're going out with that guy now?" When V asked me this, I choked.

"You mean, am I going to date the guy?"

"Tomato, potato, alfredo...dude, I'd kill for some pasta."

I passed it to Jungkook and took in his stoic face before shrugging my shoulders.

"I don't know. I'll call him and see how he's like. It's mostly getting to know rather than dating first, anyways."

"Really? Is that how it is with guys? I thought since you're both guys, you'll meet and fornicate, day one." Jay made some kind of finger dance and I chuckled.

'He's really not gay? Huh…could've fooled me.'

"There aren't many differences between dating girls and guys. Though I guess it depends on the guy."

"Did you date girls too? Cause I had only girls and let me tell you, she was a pain in the…"

"Just one." I interrupted.

"Really?"

I nodded.

"And guys?" V asked, faking oblivion so well.

"One."

"Which one did you like more?"

I was too high to lie so I just blurted out: "The guy."

Jungkook looked up at me and seemed to notice that the three were still there so he looked back down immediately.

"That either means the girl was a bitch or the guy was a steamy piece of ass." Martin colorfully expressed his hypothesis after exhaling deeply.

"Tiny ass."

"Really?" Dwayne didn't seem to like that. "I don't get it. Why go for the small ones? It's like touching…I don't know…. bony, no curves. Like a …"

"Dwayne, read the room. We're not exactly the plumpest of the bunch." Jay argued.

"That's because of the pills." He argued back, slapping Jay's words away.

"What's your excuse then?" Jay inquired, chuckling loudly.

"I'm going back inside since you guys are all assholes." Dwayne threatened but didn't do it.

I knew he wasn't bothered by their jokes. He made such jokes himself, about himself.

But hearing Martin talking about how concerned he was about his health was almost emotionally charged.

The guy admitted that's why he was making jokes too. Hoping it'd help him motivate him to eat healthier. They somehow concluded that he simply liked food too much and if he were to get sick, he'll do his best then. And looking like a high person who means something with every word, Jay promised he'd make less remarks about it.

By that point we were freezing our asses off, but kept on talking long after the joint was long gone.

"Did you find out what major she's in, Kook?" Jay nudged him. And my eye twitched in response.

"Nah. I didn't ask her that."

"What did you two talk about?" Martin pressed on.

"Normal stuff…"

"Like?" V insisted. Although I failed to tell if he was faking questions with him like he was doing with me.

"What she's into."

"Sexually-wise…?" Jay showed us his tongue and lip biting skills.

Jungkook shook his head. And before his dry parted lips had let any sounds out, I let the weed talk: "Drug-wise."

Jungkook simply fixated on the ground further, mouth shut.

"Really?" Dwayne was baffled.

"Kookster, my little man! You shouldn't be asking girls that kind of stuff! Not when you first meet them no less!" Martin started lecturing him.

Jay seconded him: "Unless they're on the floor vomiting or they tell you about it first. Just sway away from that subject."

"But…she seemed a bit high. Turns out she just had some mild insomnia from energy drinks and some veins popped from staring at her laptop for days."

Dwayne burst out laughing at Jungkook's explanation which he ended with a disappointed look.

V cut Dwayne's branch.

"Why are you so high and mighty dancing ass? You asked that girl about her favorite desserts. Yeah. I heard it."

He lifted a finger in the air, all humor gone, and exclaimed: "Hey, food is common territory!"

"Not when it comes to you," Jay mumbled darkly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He snapped.

"It means that you threw my fucking fruit yogurt away since you didn't like it! And you knew it wasn't yours. You need to let people like what they like. You're not five anymore!" Jay went on, harboring some serious resentment after that past incident.

"Whatever, if she was the one, she would've liked that subject." Dwayne crossed his arms, convinced that was a fact.

And once again, the words got out before I could control them: "Not necessarily."

"What did you talk with, you know, that guy?" Jay seemed curious and that had me shifting my weight from one leg to another. An action that made me accidentally touch Jungkook's jacket in the process.

"Nothing much. If he wants to meet me for coffee, if he's gay and if he'll give me his number."

"That's awfully straight to the point." Martin deadpanned, quite depressed at the lack of magic.

And then Jungkook mumbled something too low for any of them to hear.

But I heard it: "Cause his body is all he wants."

It stung. Like he poured salt on every open wound. Not because sex wasn't one of the deal breakers for me. But because he probably thought that was all I cared about.

I wanted to argue that sex was a way for me to be close to the one I loved. The best way in my opinion, to have their undivided attention. To have them react to me and me alone. To be their whole world for a few hours. But this wasn't the place or the time. Nor was Jungkook going to change his opinion by hearing something that wouldn't alter the fact that sometimes, all I wanted was to have was his body even if he was conscious or not.

'But that's because it's you…not because that's all I care about.' I defended myself inside my mind to myself.

Despite what Martin made us previously agree on; after we saw each other dancing from up close, we had drinks so we could keep being friends tomorrow. And then kept drinking until the sun was peeking from the horizon and Martin was mumbling something about his class while V and Jay were holding him up with shaky legs.

"Help us! Dwayne! Dwayne?!"

"Where is he?"

"Bathroom." I let them know, leaning on the wall to make sure I too, remained standing.

Jungkook managed to get room 112 open and they let Martin fall onto the bed. Watched the tall guy slide down next to it like the tree that he was. Nothing like the branch he claimed he felt like hours before. The cheek was flat on the floor. But they didn't flinch at this. They turned their backs to him, searching for water at the same time. Deeming their job finished.

I observed Jungkook moving weirdly for an hour now. Noticed how he kept one hand on the wall no matter where he went. And when the two were too busy arguing, Jungkook was fumbling with the keys as if he was doing math.

And it all came crashing down to, his shaky voice admitting that:

"I don't feel very well…"

His fingers were pushing the side of his head, which was worse than holding onto his stomach.

Jay went up to him and felt his forehead.

"Fever."

"From the pill, maybe." V assumed.

And I tilted my head, judging and also hoping: "Or maybe he's caught a cold because we've spent most of the night outside."

V collapsed on Martin's bed without shame when Jay said the sentence that woke me up entirely: "V, I'll take him to my room. Dwayne can't sleep without his favorite blanket and the…other stuff."

"Yeah, yeah." A yawning V waved from atop the pillow. And I almost pushed Jay into a wall while I was taking his hand off Jungkook.

"I'll take him. My roommate's good at …aiding the ill."

"I have medicine."

"Me too." I lied.

And the conversation came to a halt. Jay frowned his brows at me with confusion and I stared back at him with a stoic face. Waiting for any indication that he cared more than he should. Like I did.

And then Jungkook let himself slide towards the floor just like Martin but thankfully, he was already on the floor. We both reached toward him, but when I picked him up and threw him over my shoulder. Jay shrugged. Saying:

"All yours then."

"See you soon," I told Jay.

And he just nodded without saying anything else.

"Bye guys!" I exclaimed.

And tired grunts answered me.

"Nam…Joon…" Jungkook murmured while I opened the door and got louder down the hallway. Carrying him like a bag of potatoes. "Put me…down…I…Nam…"

Dwayne looked up from his phone when he heard that. But I kept walking, although he stopped dead in his tracks to stare at us.

"Please…down…Please…" Jungkook kept begging so I only waved at Dwayne that watched us leaving like that.

"Alcohol coming back up?" I asked once we were outside.

"No…but…I feel weird…"

"That's the pill."

"Weirder."

"That's the combination between the pill, booze, and weed."

"I don't …like it." He whined in a childish voice that sent blood to my genitals like magic.

"I told you not to have that third beer."

"You…didn't…."

I almost stopped walking for a moment. And other drunk students that were probably outside to converse in silence did too, at the sight of a guy being carried in that manner by another.

"Really? I probably only thought about it. Sorry."

"Where.... are you…taking me?"

"Where do you want to go?"

A brief pause was followed by a clear: "…my room."

"Your room it is then. Do you have a key?"

"Under…mat."

"That's retarded. But fine."

He sounded strained and yet not strained enough to not let me know where we stood as soon as we were alone in the hallway with his legs dangling by my chest.

"Please don't…do…you."

"Do me? What's that supposed to mean?"

"I feel sick, my head hurts and…" He started explaining but when I placed him down, right on his feet, so he didn't continue. He was right in front of his room and the flushed face had my heart beating faster. But all I did was bend down to get the key from under the mat. Unlock the door, push it open and then hand it to him. Saying:

"If you need any medicine. Text me."

I turned to leave, full of bitterness. But then I heard him whispering a low, childlike: "Namjoon…"

I smiled at the empty hallway. And then turned to look at him. Smile gone.

"Hmm?"

"We're broken up. Aren't we?"

I blinked twice to make sure I heard that right.

Then I buried my hands in the jacket's pockets and swayed back and forth, filled with weed heightened nerves.

"I didn't break up with you... but you seem to have broken up with me."

"Do you think it's possible that ...you and I…for us to be…friends?" He hiccupped here and there but overall; I got every single word.

I ceased swaying and looked him dead in the eyes. In the innocent, naïve, doe-like eyes.

'No.' I thought.

"Yes," I said. "If that's what you wish…"

"I think it is."

His eyes didn't leave the floor again and the silence ensured. And it stretched nerves in my brain that I didn't know existed. Maybe the weed made this moment last longer. Made it more painful than it was. But I doubted it could feel any worse.

"Is that…selfish of me to ask?" That is what Jungkook asked me. And I felt rage come up like stomach acid.

But I clenched my fists and kept them hidden inside the deep pockets. Claiming, with a smile that hurt to fake more than I thought fake smiles should: "No. I'll manage. Don't worry about it."

He nodded. And turned towards his room as if, indeed, he won't be worrying about it.

"There's just one thing I need to know…"

'Don't ask.' I heard the thought, but ignored it nonetheless.

He faced me again. Eyes a bit wider. Pupils dilated. His small Adam's apple went up and down once before pink lips parted.

'Don't look at him, fuck.'

I continued after closing my eyes and used a voice that assumed, he was doing me a favor, that I was in the palm of his hand, and that there was no harm in telling me.

"I won't…" I said.

'I will' I thought.

"Interfere" I continued.

'kill'

"between you and him if…"

'him without anyone else finding his body if…'

"…you like him."

'…you like him.'

"Like who?" He asked with a small, nervous smile.

I swayed back and then leaned in just a bit. Blurting out who I suspected more at this point:

"Jay."

"Him? No! No. There's nothing…"

"Really, cause for a moment, it seemed like, you know…" I chuckled, waving my head, smiling nervously.

"No. I don't." He waved a hand and went on, "And he, he's straight."

"Good. Good." I nodded with my entire head as if V's antics got contagious.

"Is that all?"

'Do you like V then?' I thought.

"Yeah, that's all." I said.

"Thanks for helping me get back…"

"Don't mention it."

Two nervous smiles later and he was in his room. And I was in the hallway breathing heavily. Wondering how to hold back. Staring at the wooden door that he didn't lock.

'Walk away, Namjoon. Walk away.'

But my feet didn't listen.

'Go now. You're only going to push him away. There's nothing you can say or do right now that'll make it better.'

I turned around. But then started doubting if it was just the emotional pain or if I was having a heart attack.

'Friends. Just have to be a good friend. A nice…loving…never too far…appearing honest…friend. I can do it. I can do it. I'll have to do it.'

After I convinced myself to walk out of Jungkook's building, I saw a long brown-haired girl walking alone a few steps ahead. She furrowed her thick eyebrows at me and then walked away. And I followed her because she looked similar to Jungkook in some strange way, but then wrote it off as me being high, drunk, and heartbroken.

'What other choice do I have? Raping him won't give me all I want. No. It's not just about his body. I have to make him trust me again. I have to make him like me unconditionally. I have to work hard. If I want him to talk to me like he used to. To play cards with me. To eat and watch boring shows that are not funny to me but amazing to him. If I want him to be my friend and my lover. I have to…have to…nicely…like Jimin said…carefully…'

I kept following the girl like a Northern star and she seemed to be walking faster and faster. Glancing behind her every once in a while, to check if I was still there.

'I'm lucky to get to spend time with him at all. And it's all because V's helped me. I don't get why the fuck, but he's helped me get close again. So close that I can win him back. I just have to be patient and not do anything to make him mad.'

The girl stopped walking so I halted as well.

And since currently, we were one foot apart. Wind blowing. In the part of the campus that was empty and silent like a grave right now. I heard her loud and clear when she asked: "Are you following me?"

"…"

'Yes.' I thought.

"…I don't know you." She went on.

'I don't know you either.' I argued in my head.

"…"

"I am not scared of you." She courageously pointed out.

'You should be.' I thought with a smirk.

"…"

I let her walk away.

Thinking: 'He called me a rapist, but I am not. I can't do it. I don't care about her…I don't give a fuck about anyone else…shit…I wish I was…'

And I turned on my heel and walked towards my building trying to think of how I was going to masturbate without waking Jimin up.

But when I walked in, Jimin wasn't there. So, I called him to make sure he wasn't coming back soon.

"Morning?" I tried ,but all I got back was a sleepy moan.

'Fuck, this isn't helping.'

"…what?"

"Where are you?" I sounded a bit snappier than I wanted to.

"…a friend's…room."

'Another one-night stand?!'

"And when are you coming back?"

"Why? What time is it?" There was some ruffling followed by "Six in the morning? Damn. I have a class at seven."

He sounded a bit less sleepy, but the sounds he was making were still too moan-like for my liking.

"When are you coming back?"

"I need to change and grab my books..."

He sounded wide awake now. Probably putting shoes on.

I sighed.

"Fine."

"You don't want me to come there?"

"Come faster." I said.

'Leave faster.' I thought.

"Ok…did something…"

I hung up and plummeted on the bed. Back against the wall. And the open drawer of the desk reminded me of how I got to Jungkook in the first place.

'Jimin told me Jungkook's made friends, but that he didn't meet any of them. That they might be only V's friends. That he thinks Jungkook's been smoking again and that's why he's near V all the time. And it seems like he wasn't wrong, but not accurate either. But what did he want to tell me then that I don't know now? Or was that it? Was it that he's part of that group? Or what...what could it be...'

I moved my pants around since they suddenly felt tighter.

"Pfffffffffffffff......."

I breathed out loudly. Letting out all the bad energy like Jimin told me I should. And waited. Waited. Kept waiting. And waiting.

The sound of students getting out of their rooms increased by the minute. The talking and the yelling were a good distraction to Jungkook's face that kept popping in my mind's eye. The face he made when he made me accept being friends.

I oscillated between being turned on by him and agonizing over the fact that he was, technically, not mine anymore. Oscillated between thinking I have to accept that and telling myself that it was just a temporary thing. In both scenarios, I couldn't help but feel hurt to the bone. So, hurt that it was that much harder to keep myself in check.

'Killing the guy after I find out who it is, it won't make him change his mind. Raping him isn't going to make him love me. And I need to study or I've fucked up my whole life and not only half of it. Sounds logical, doesn't it? And yet why is that all I want to do is to go to his room, hold him down and…'

I shut my eyes at the thought, licking my lips, and slid a hand inside my boxers.

"Shit, I am late! Shit! SHIT!"

A disheveled Jimin ran in and went straight to his backpack.

"Try breathing. It's the new popular thing." I suggested bitterly.

"I don't have time to breathe! Do you?"

"Plenty." I mumbled.

I watched him throwing the books he had in the backpack onto his bed to replace them with other books and notebooks. Watched him picking his clothes and then watched the clothes he had on getting removed. Fast and ungracefully. But the naked, soft, light skin was there. And I was hard. Not because of Jimin. Not in the least. But because his upper back looked so much like Jungkook's when he was bent over and the bones of his spine stuck out.

'Friends. Friends. Everyone's a friend…' I repeated it into my head like a mantra and took my hand out of the pants just in time for Bambi to miss it before he run-up to my bed, holding up a shirt.

"Is this clean?! What am I saying?! Is anything clean? One of us needs to go to the laundromats, Namjoon. This is not doable anymore!"

"…"

When I simply stared at him, he threw the shirt as if I had just told him that it smelled horrible.

"Why aren't you in a hurry? Don't you have class? Or did you drop out?"

He asked about my situation while forcing down a tight T-shirt that just wouldn't cover his nipples already.

"What's with that face?" The tone he used was unusual, so I checked his facial expression instead. But he continued this never-ending monologue without any input from me, asking more questions like:

"Why are you staring at my chest? Do I have hickeys or something? Can you tell I haven't slept much? Do I have a hickey? Can you help me study soon? Did you see my book? Tell me!"

I started talking with a voice so calm compared to him that it was like we were living in different universes. Asking:

"Do you sleep with just anybody or is there a screening process beforehand?"

And he stopped shoving the lint off the black pants. Appearing hurt by what I've mindlessly asked. So, I covered my erection with the blanket and added a sweet: "Bambi?" To put a band-aid on the cut I've made.

"No. Namjoon. I don't. I just…" He exhaled and took off the T-shirt only to stare at me with exasperation before turning around to search for something else to wear. "I get lonely sometimes. I get…urges to use...the stuff... so I distract myself by talking to people. And it seems that I attract all the gay guys."

He slapped the sides of his body as if that was an obvious curse that he had to live with.

"Not in love with any of them?"

"No."

"So, you're just using them for sex?"

"No. I…"

He turned his back to me, struggling to bottom-up a white shirt that I knew he already wore this week.

Sounding exasperated, having to explain his sex life to me as if I should've already known.

"I want to make friends and then I end up sleeping with them."

"But not me." I observed, sounding more surprised rather than offended.

That had his arms rising and then falling to the sides of his body once more.

"It's because they're not good friends or are straight-out stupid, so I only sleep with them if I don't care whether I ruin our relationship with sex." He explained.

I tilted my head.

"That's a backhanded compliment? Am I a good friend though? Cause I doubt it." I smiled, but didn't feel it.

"Sometimes."

"Fair enough."

I got off the bed and walked up to him. Somewhat grateful that he was fighting with the mismatched buttons on my way to him.

I lightly slapped his fingers away. And he breathed in loudly.

I unbuttoned the mess and then started buttoning him up again.

"I've made some friends." I let him know.

"Jungkook's friends?" The judgment from his voice was obvious.

"Want to meet them?"

"I am a bit curious." He admitted, watching my hands moving above his stomach.

"But you can't sleep with any of them."

"I won't." He promised with half lidded eyes.

I finished with the buttons so I started fixing up his collar.

"They're some junkies…" I started.

"I assumed that much." He cut me off.

And I asked with a high-pitched tone, squinting at him:

"And what are you going to do?"

"Not have any?"

"What a good, good Bambi."

He frowned as I patted his head, but it faded quickly.

I stepped back and let him know that he looked presentable enough to leave me alone.

But since he was pondering something, he was staring down, which got him looking more confused.

He tilted his head and asked:

"Namjoon…are you hard?"

"I just left Jungkook to sleep," I thought that explained everything, but I went on nodding with pouting lips to show my high level of sadness. Clicking my tongue at the thought of Jungkook's sleeping face.

"And, how is he? Did you make up?"

"We're just friends now."

"Well, that's something…"

"It is…something."

Our room was silent. The outside of our room was loud. But not loud enough.

I sat back down on my bed and covered the erection back with the blanket. And mentally slapped myself for getting up in the first place.

Closed my eyes and despite the pain that was starting to shoot down my leg from the lack of release, I could've sworn I will be able to fall asleep just then.

"I really want to be your friend."

My eyes snapped open and all calamities I could envision came to play in my mind's eye.

'No. That's fine. He's a good guy. Jungkook's the problem. It's probably the weed, it's making me paranoid.'

"I want to be your friend too."

"Then let's keep being friends, no matter what."

I nodded and slipped down on the pillow.

"Okay."

He assured himself, more so than me when he said that, and picked up the backpack. Then ran out.

I kept my eyes closed as I unzipped my pants.

'Maybe I should've just kept talking up to that Jin guy for the rest of the night instead.'

I pulled them down, spit on the palm of my hand, and started jerking myself up without bothering with anything else.

'Then Jungkook wouldn't have asked me to be friends. He would've been jealous. Maybe…. Hopefully…He would've…'

The sound of my hand going up and down without any ounce of gentleness was so loud that it was disturbing the scenario I was envisioning.

'He would gain courage from the drugs and then he'd show up here to stop me from doing him. And then I would've kicked the guy out and would've done him instead. Yeah, that would've been…'

"Quite nice…" I told the empty room. And spit on my hand once more.

Thirty minutes later, my hand was hurting. Also, the image of Jungkook's moaning face down in the bedroom of my house was a bit blurry. But it was all that I had.

'When he was mine…when he was…when we were…'

I didn't start sobbing, but I couldn't keep going either. Hence, I pulled up my pants. Faced the wall, covered myself up to the neck with the blanket, ready for sleep to allow me to escape this horrible reality.

'He wants to be friends. He wants to be only friends. Who am I kidding? He dumped me at the first opportunity after I've quit being a dealer. If that's not a sign that he's never liked me that way, what else it is? And now that he has a new dealer, whoever the fuck he….'

I pulled the cover down and stared at the door, wide-eyed, noticing that the liveliness of the hallway had died down considerably. Letting no one know that:

"Jay's not a dealer."

'How could I have been so blind? I haven't met the dealer! That's why it's all so confusing! Fuck. Why did I never think to ask?!' I stood up on the edge of the bed, all sleepiness gone. 'Why did I ever think Jungkook cared about those schmucks more than the dealer?! Fuck. I got so high and jealous I didn't think it through. Of course!'

I stood up. Got my phone from the jacket and then stared at it for a full five minutes before dialing V.

A sleepy Taehyung grumpily answered.

"Who is it?" He asked.

"It's your dad," I replied.

I knew that woke something up in him. The fact that he hung up let me know that I stroke the old cord. So, I called again.

"What?!" He yelled.

"Come to my room."

"I'm sleeping!"

"Sleep here."

"I already have a bed. Leave me alone…"

"Please. Come here. Or outside. Anywhere. The two of us."

There was some rustle and then Taehyung's clear voice: "Why?"

"I need your help."

"And what do I get?"

"Anything the fuck you want."

I wiped my hands with wet wipes while he pondered.

A low, guttural, baritone word had me grinning against the phone: "Breakfast?"

"My treat." I offered, smirking.