Close Call

AN: Happy Birthday Smokers! We've spent one whole year together and it's been lovely. We felt so many emotions and I can't wait for us to feel some more. I'm really grateful for each and every one of you.

And here's the new chapter:

"I didn't know French cuisine was your thing."

"You don't know a lot of things about me, Monster."

"You got to quit calling me that V. One of these days, you're gonna forget people are around and…"

He interrupted me by taking a loud sip of his cappuccino and smacking his lips afterward.

"And I'll have to explain how normal nicknames do exist."

I frowned.

"Ex-dealer money must be good to have, I gotta say."

Elbows on the pristine white tablecloth, a wide grin matched the one a boy wearing a bonnet had from the painting behind him.

The ongoing piano song was calming our hangovers, and keeping our tired minds up, but it was nowhere as loud as it should be considering our conversation.

"Since you've brought up dealers, I gotta ask. Who's yours?"

"Whatdya say?"

The genuine confusion irked me.

I tried again: "Who brings the bread from the bakery?"

"Who do you think it is?" He leaned over the table, smirking.

"Either Jay or Martin."

V scoffed, leaning back.

"Is it you then?"

"Disrespecting Dwayne like that. Tsk. You're so cold and both of you are Kim's too. He'd be so hurt if he could hear you right now."

He dramatically covered his chest with one hand and then started swirling the whipped cream from the top of the pancakes with a blue straw.

"It's Dwayne then?" The thought had me squinting.

"Dude, I wish it was." He sighed as if this subject was frustrating for him as well.

I shut my eyes, feeling a headache coming.

"Who the fuck it is then?" I snapped.

"None other than Jungkook, of course."

The grin he had on right now was not evil. But somewhat proud. Whether he was proud of Jungkook or himself for knowing something that I did not. It was hard to tell.

"Is that why you wine and dined me, Monster? That's what you wanted from me after pulling me out of a warm bed with promises and...this?" V reached forward and pushed a long-fallen strand of hair away from my face.

"Who's he buying from?" I went on, undisturbed and unblinking.

"How am I supposed to know?" The innocent tone was scratching my eardrums.

"You've never met him?"

"No. Why?"

"Why the fuck not?!"

"Namjoon." He sighed with feigned exaggerated weariness and then stabbed the cappuccino with the straw. "Jungkook has not been as…talkative as he was when he was sober. He's been a high mute before you even came around. And why would those guys carry around a boring mute? Use that brain of yours."

He looked up, appearing a bit annoyed at me because I haven't figured that one out already.

"But who's selling Jungkook the stuff?" I punched the table without thinking. The cup moved a bit, but all things considered, just a few startled glances and no harm was done.

"I don't mind being dined and wined but you've picked the wrong guy." He shrugged, continuing to look sad, "The only person who knows is Jungkook, himself."

"Then go with him."

"Where?" He arched an eyebrow.

"Whenever or wherever he seals the deal. Go with him! See who he is. Or she. Doesn't matter. Take a picture, find out a name…just…"

"Wow, dude! Seeing you so desperate is tickling parts of me that were joyless before."

"I'm glad that I am getting your tiny dick wet, but you know I can break your nose anytime I want, right?" I uttered through clenched teeth.

"Look. You might not want to hear this, but he's not in the dorm 24/7 and it's not like he tells me anything. All I know is that the guys give him money the second he brings some. Which is frequently, but not so often that…"

"He's already sleeping with his new dealer?!"

"Shht! They'll kick us out."

"I'll kill him…"

"Who?"

"Him…them!" I threw my hands up in the air.

V sighed, covering his head from the people staring at us.

"You're officially friends now. Aren't you?" He was picking on the whip of the cappuccino again.

"Yeah. Yeah." I threw the words in the wind and swished them away with a waving hand.

"You really need to smoke some and relax. There's no rule that says: all junkies must fuck their dealer."

I crossed my arms and averted my eyes.

Thinking: 'But he got no job.'

"Then where does he get the money?"

"I already told you, dude, it's from us."

"He doesn't have a share?"

"No. Aren't you listening? He gets it to us and that's all he does!"

"Why won't you guys meet with him then?!"

"Jungkook's the only one who knows the guy, dude!"

"THEN GET TO KNOW HIM TOO! AND STOP CALLING ME DUDE!"

We were both almost touching foreheads when a waitress in a short skirt hurried by our table and I assumed she was there to ask whether we wanted to order anything else. Instead, she said:

"Excuse me. If you'd be kind enough to keep it down... Other customers are complaining."

"We apologize. We'll be quieter." He assured her with a closemouthed smile.

"Thank you very much."

"No problem."

V smiled with naivete. But then watched her behind as she walked away.

"I wish there was someone like her working at the Cafe."

"I wish you would make any sense."

"Listen," He exhaled and then talked with a matter-of-fact tone, staring directly at me, "we've all had…bad experiences with dealers."

"You're being philosophical now or…"

"No. The other three were already a formed group, and we needed the cash. Me especially, since my dad isn't that generous after a mystery friend of mine informed him that I am a dirty sinner," He mocked with the highest pitch his throat was capable of making, and then slapped the table as if he wanted to slap his dad's memory away, "But the thing that got them to stay with us was bonding over how dealers fucked us over."

"So Jungkook has already talked about me. Great." I slapped the table too, looking around, prepared to ask for the check.

"Not exactly."

I switched my focus back to him.

"What do you mean?"

"He talked about all the times he had to do stuff for people to get some. That he never had the dealer himself."

"He lied." I concluded.

"I think he was telling half the truth. Basically, left you out of it. But he talked about this dealer whom he met. Who didn't ask any questions. Who only wants to get paid."

"So, the dealer's not gay."

"I don't know if he treats women well, but Jungkook says money is his number one priority."

"And you believed him? A young dude, going at this school, pill fucker, selling to …"

"How do you know he goes to this school?"

"Oh please. You're not telling me an old man picks Jungkook up and drives away with him once every week or so."

He just shrugged and pointed at the untouched americano.

"I don't know, but do you want to skip all the classes, today?"

"But then why did you introduce me to the group if it wasn't any sadistic ploy to make me suffer?"

"I see we're throwing all the cards out on the table." He quietly said, chin-tucked into his neck, "Very well." and then pushed the cappuccino away from himself.

"Might as well." I encouraged him. Tapping the plate under the americano.

"I scratch your back, you scratch mine."

He mumbled so softly that I leaned forward, ear first.

"What was that?"

"Scratching backs."

"Your back's itching?" I asked, confused to no end and also slightly angry.

"No!"

He was trying to collect himself only to look around to see if anyone was hearing for the first time. And then continued whispering: "You have something that I want in your room. You have something that you want in mine."

I thought about it while staring up at the fancy ceiling, but all that came to me was: 'Either Fred's number or empty bottles.' And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I glanced down with one eye before the rest of my head followed.

"Jimin?"

"Jimin." He confirmed.

I shook my head. "Nah. The guy doesn't want anything to do with you."

"And Jungkook wanted to be anywhere near you? But alas, here we are." He slapped the table with both hands at the same time.

"I already told Bambi, ah no," I put a hand up, "Jimin that I'll introduce him to Jungkook's friends."

"And?"

"He seemed to be considering it. But I doubt he'll actually take the offer since…"

"I'm in the group."

"Yeah. What's your deal with him anyway? You into him?"

"Not really."

He leaned back and avoided my eyes.

"You know what V? That really helps me want to help you. After that sentimental story, man, I'm barely holding back the tears. Don't stop. Let it all out."

The more ironic I was, the angrier his stare became.

"I fucked up, okay?" He snarled. "Like you did. We were best friends and then I fucked up. Happy?"

"If it only took that to let me experience a slither of happiness." I wished with a sigh, "But it'd help me put in a good word for you if you let me know exactly how you've fucked up."

"What do you think?!"

It wasn't subtle. But it was in his eyes. The guilt that I didn't have. But which I wanted to bring out from the depths I kept burying it into every time I was alone or near Jungkook.

'No way to make him like me. Afraid I'll push him away, the closer I get, the worse it is. Hence, the only option left…'

"You've raped Bambi?"

I leaned forwards; squinting once more. Like I'd be able to see it written out on his forehead if I tried hard enough.

"Bambi?"

"Jimin's nickname."

"Darn it…and no. I …yeah. Well, we were young. Way younger... and it just happened. After that, it has never been the same."

"Never been together, like in a relationship?"

"No."

"Raped him a bit but now you want to be friends again?"

One hand was playing with the napkin, the other shoulder went up and down before he continued, darkly:

"Yes. But I didn't rape him…we were experimenting together. He agreed to it at first. And then I just… couldn't stop when he wanted me to stop."

"And that's it?"

"That's it."

I shifted in the seat and scratched my chin. Unsure of what to say or believe.

"Then…are you sure friendship's all you want?"

"Yes. Isn't that what you want, with Jungkook?"

"…sure…"

"You don't sound sure."

"You sound too sure after what the two of you were doing while you were friends, V. Either way, I don't care."

'Because you might be telling the truth or be able to lie to me even when I thought we were being honest. Both make me want to punch the red wall behind you.'

And I went on, "I'll slip your name under his nose or let you come into our dorm room so you can bump into him if that's what you need. But I have to find out who that dealer is."

"Didn't you hear me? He's not…"

"Yeah, yeah. He only wants money from Jungkook. Heard it. But that still doesn't mean he's not trouble. Or that Jungkook didn't lie. I've seen him being high around friends before, and he's never been this quiet. Ever."

"Jungkook doesn't lie."

I analyzed his face and the longer I looked, the more he emphasized the fact that he meant what he said with a shake of his head and a puzzled expression. So, I burst out laughing.

"No, really. I can tell when people are lying." V tried to convince me further.

And I laughed harder, unable to stop.

"You're pissing me off, Monster."

I wiped the tears that gathered at the end of one eye and pointed at the plate.

"Right back at you. Now, eat your pancakes. We need to get back."

It was strange to sit beside him in a taxi again. Strange to walk beside him so I could get to Jungkook's dorm room.

He was my best excuse. Only excuse. Since I was not Jungkook's best friend yet. And V knew that I needed him.

And now I knew that he needed me. This is why, I think, he purposely played music a bit too loudly and woke Jungkook up when we were smoking from his weed stash.

"Ups."

"What are you…" He spotted V, then me, and then resumed glaring only at V, a bit more awake, "guys…doing?"

The bed hair and the loose blouse. It all made me forget that V was there. But then V had to speak:

"Pressed the wrong button. My bad."

V lied. And Jungkook lied too. They probably weren't aware of how well the two of them were similar in that way.

Jungkook lied mostly not to hurt other people or to keep himself afloat.

But V seemed to lie about nearly everything. With a straight face.

However, as long as I was in on the lies, I was fine with it. But then, it looked and sounded so natural that I wondered how many times I was not in on the lie and he just got away with it.

'If he can make me believe him, then he can fool anyone. Maybe not Fred, though. A cop like his dad, however...'

Jungkook crawled out of bed, a bit of his shoulder exposed.

'That's mine.' I thought, staring at the big, thin blouse. But didn't say anything. And sucked in as much weed as possible instead.

He walked up to me, pants so long that they grazed the floor. I passed on the joint to his reaching fingers. And saw Jungkook as his friends saw him. Someone who came near you only when you were doing any type of drug.

He passed it back a bit wet. This is why I put it back between my lips without giving V the chance to think about having his turn.

"You should head to class, Jungkook," V told him.

And I wanted to shout: 'What the fuck?' a second later. But refrained.

I tried to blink away the haziness only to realize that I was high again.

While eyeing every inch I could make out of Jungkook's body, mentally begging: 'No. Don't go to class. Stay here.'

But V never seemed to say stuff to his friends without being 90 percent certain that the answer was in his favor.

"Nothing important today. Besides my head hurts. I will…make something up."

"You had a cold last time." V reminded him, clicking on his laptop fervently. "And last, last time, you overslept."

"And today, I…I…"

But nothing came to Jungkook. He just kept his eyes closed and his lips parted, sitting down on the edge of his bed without bothering to cover his bare shoulder.

And I stared, crossed-legged on the floor, up at the skin that no longer had any signs that I've ever touched it.

He was so close that it'd be so easy to grab him.

The higher I got, the more I wanted to ask V to take the keys to my room and have his way with Jimin. So, I could have my way with…

"Jungkook," I said, a bit too eager.

He turned to look at me with eyes that were clearer than they've been in all the times we've hung out.

'Are you smoking less lately?' That is what I wanted to ask.

But kept it to myself when he reached out to the joint.

V swore at something and I forgot what I wanted to say at all when his lips wrapped around the joint, and his exposed shoulder invited me. The milky, smooth, unravished shoulder that I loved to bite on.

'The clothes are too big...so take them off.' I thought.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

"A bit."

"Want me to go get you something?"

"I'd like a chocolate…croissant."

Once the word left his mouth, he blushed and finally became self-aware. Covering himself up. But I pretended not to see, stood up, and put on my jacket.

"I'll be right back. V, do you want anything?"

"Cola."

And I was out like a light.

Walked down the busy hallway and right into the cold, crisp morning air.

'Friends go to the store for other friends. That's what friends do. Friends…fuck he looked so cute. Fuck, he smelled so good. Fuck, he… blushed, thinking of how I was manhandling him. No shirt, pants around his ankles, and ass red. Fuck. Fuck. Stop imagining it. Just stop! Stupid fucking brain! You're going to fuck it all up just so you can...fuck him. Ah, shut up.'

The walk to the store was nothing short of confusing. I kept thinking of Jungkook's dusty nipples and small pink cock and the road got blurrier and blurrier. It wasn't long until I made it inside the store, confused as to why I came here in the first place.

"Croissant."

'I need to think of something else. Do something else...'

I told myself while my mind saw nothing but Jungkook passed out in my arms in the supermarket by his house on the second day of Christmas. But the girl that was trying to pick a chocolate bar next to me didn't find the act of talking to myself endearing.

I kept walking around, not finding any until she pointed it out to me. As if she could tell I was high and took pity on me.

"There."

"Thank you."

I reached for it and halted.

"You're welcome."

She passed me by. And I caught a glimpse of her familiar face. Or maybe it was all in my brain, but I followed her, nonetheless.

Long chestnut hair. Thick eyebrows, small face, and black, long eyelashes.

"Hey," I exclaimed from behind her.

"That'll be 9, 15. Cash or card?"

"Card." She replied to the cashier.

"I don't mean to bother you…"

The machine made a beeping sound. She grabbed her plastic bag and walked out. But not before saying a curt: "Then don't."

I followed her; a bit more confident than I probably should be.

"Hey! "I shouted that at least twice. Mind empty. But she didn't turn, not once.

So, I grabbed her shoulder and forced her to face me.

She was rightfully surprised. Eyes round, red lips parted.

I froze. She didn't.

"You reek of weed and I hate junkies." She informed me and tried to free herself from the vice grip I had on her wrist. And failed.

"Me too."

She was taller than Jungkook but smaller than me. Thinner nose, rounder jaw, and powdered cheeks. But it was similar. She looked so similar to Jungkook. That I couldn't let her go.

"What do you want? You...psychopath? Get your hands off of me!"

"I know we started on the wrong foot. But I am Kim Namjoon and I'm…" I looked at the sky as if it'd tell me." …what was my major again?"

She looked more and more apprehensive.

"I don't care. My MATH major is killing me so if you'd please let go of my hand and excuse me. Or I will press charges the second I can reach my phone!"

I should've let her go now. I knew that was the right thing to do. The thing that Jimin would tell me would lead to a better, brighter, Bambi without guns, future.

But what I did instead was to hold her still by cupping her face and kiss her on the lips. Weed on my breath. Mind dizzy. I forced her tongue to move. She bit mine, but I ignored the pain. It took a while until she's stopped trying to push me away.

The bag fell to the ground. Sounds of protests coming from her throat. But I kept playing with her tongue and sucking on it until she faltered.

Hands simply holding onto mine loosely. No more biting or whining. She not only stood still but kissed me back.

And I pulled back only after I was sure that I had a chance in hell.

She was blushing red. Redder than Jungkook has ever been.

"You're a good kisser." It's how she justified kissing me back.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Sandra."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet …"

And I leaned in to kiss her again.

She just let me. Guard down, cheeks soft in my grasp and body stiff.

I stopped after her smell reached my nose and it wasn't the same as Jungkook's. The pain that came up turned me off. So, I backed away.

"Can I have your number?"

She stared at me through half-opened, confused eyes with saliva-coated lips.

"…yes." She whispered ,but then added loudly, "But I have to study. I don't have time to…date."

I nodded.

"We don't have to date if you don't want to."

"What does that entail?"

"Add it." I handed her my phone and then called her immediately after she gave it back.

Nothing rung.

"Add it again."

She looked uncomfortable, but she added the real one the third time.

"What room are you in?"

"You're really, really proud of your looks, aren't you?"

"Not at all."

She most likely did not expect that answer to sound so blatantly honest.

"Eighty-eight." She replied, voice barely above a whisper.

"That's the first building, next to the smallest building of the whole campus?"

She nodded.

"Fine. See you soon."

I picked up the plastic bag, handed it to her, and walked back into the store.

Bought the chocolate croissant and spent more than five minutes trying to remember what V wanted. Picked up the same boiled chicken breast and boiled rice that I've been eating for weeks. Returned to their dorm room with my heart beating faster than it should've been when I saw Jungkook lying on the bed listening to music innocently.

'Kissing a stranger. Nothing. Seeing Jungkook without touching him, a fucking cardio workout. Figures.'

The three of us spent the rest of the day together. Playing Mortal Kombat at first. And then cards after we've crowned V as the one true winner by crushing a beer can and placing it on his head. Ended up talking shit about the other three guys when we ran out of subjects. Or at least, that's what I was doing.

"What does he do with that phone all day?" I asked, not expecting Jungkook to have a detailed answer.

"He plays this stupid game that I swear to god, it's so dumb. It's like gambling, but you get no real money. It's just these points that you use to get more points!"

"The people who made that are evil geniuses." V praised them.

"At least he's not gambling," I concluded.

"That's because he's addicted to food, weed and pills so he's got no money." A high V argued.

"Better than letting a machine eat all your money." Jungkook argued for his vice, crossing his arms.

"But it flashes such pretty colors all the time." I mocked.

"Oh, not you too." Jungkook deadpanned.

"Ace. Give me your cards Monster."

Jungkook visibly flinched at the nickname. It wasn't at the unexpected friendship, more so than a reminder of the thorny past.

"It seems Jungkook will have to give all his cards away."

I put down another Ace.

"I hate you too," Jungkook mumbled.

"No. You just suck at cards." V's manner of speaking informed me that they've played cards before. And I swallowed with no saliva left.

"You'd get mad luck if there would be punishments involved." I said with a smile.

"Punishments?" V was intrigued.

"No. I'm not doing that. You two can play by yourselves then."

Jungkook got up to most likely, smoke again. I sipped from my beer; a bit disappointed.

"What'd you make him do?" V asked me immediately as if it was the most obvious conclusion in the world that I was at fault.

"Why are you looking at me like that? He was the winner! I was the one who had to wash a mountain of dishes naked."

"Sounds…disgusting." He concluded, squinting his eyes at the mental image.

"You lost." I pointed and V looked down and admitted defeat with a frustrated sigh.

"Now strip." I joked, and he messed up all the cards in a desperate fit to erase all evidence so he'd be able to keep his clothes on. They flew around us, never to be found until a thorough cleaning.

Jungkook and I laughed. But I lowered my volume and then stopped altogether to catch the sound of his laughter.

When the night arrived, the other guys wanted to meet up. So, the three of us ended up smoking some more in Dwayne and Martin's room.

We hung around. They complained about their homework and I made fun of them for attending classes so diligently. Ending up saying:

"It's all about the exams. Just study hard."

"How do you study if you don't have the material?"

"Steal it?" Was the first lie that came to me.

Deciding in a split of a second that I won't tell them about the guy I was paying. Since it was a habit to not speak of money that I've earned by dealing drugs around other people ever since I was young. Regardless if they knew I was dealing or not. It was something that I always erased from my brain when I was around people that I wasn't selling to or whom weren't dealing themselves.

"Good luck with the exam, Nam. We'll see you crying afterward."

"He won't. He was number one in our school. He's got a high IQ or something ridiculous like that."

The almost compliment that came out of Taehyung's mouth had me looking down at the blunt, wondering if I had hallucinated it.

"Then help me for the love of weed!" Martin jumped out of the comfortable spot from his bed, onto the floor, and crawled at my feet. Fake crying, but still, dead serious: "If I fail my mom will kill me! I swear...she buys kitchen knives as a hobby! She knows how to sharpen them too."

The rest laughed. Jay didn't.

"Then why are you here?"

His curt question stood out like a sore thumb.

"What do you mean?" Martin asked, slurring his words. More drunk than high.

"If he's got perfect scores, then he should be in a better place than this. What happened?"

"I have a plane phobia." I used the same lie that I used with Jungkook's mother with a shrug.

And I felt the air thicken right after.

"There are better shitholes right here, in Korea. Why the fuck did you come here for?"

"Why do you care?" I spit back at Jay.

And Martin lifted his head from between us like an ostrich, saying: "Now, now. Who cares why? He's here so he can save our souls from damnation. Like an angel."

"Sorry guys. Not much I can do while I am high and drunk besides exercise and sleep. And I am sober only during class lately."

I leaned back and passed the joint to V.

They changed the subject immediately. But Jay and I didn't interact with each other for the rest of the night.

At 1 AM, we were stumbling towards Jungkook's and V's dorm room envisioning the sandwiches V swore he's left under some clothes two days ago.

But after we went in, ate and Jungkook fell asleep against my arm, I was wide awake.

"Want to sleep here?" V asked, yawning.

"I shouldn't."

"Your choice."

He climbed from the carpet up to his bed but then turned back to look at me, taken aback as soon as he heard my deadpan tone: "Take him off me."

"Who?"

"Jungkook. Put him in his bed."

"A...why? What's wrong?"

"I …"

Our eyes locked. And then his traveled down.

"Got it."

He was the one who tucked Jungkook in. And I only watched standing up, breathing deeply.

"I won't kill you, but be honest. You didn't touch him, did you?" I asked when V's back was still turned. Hovering over Jungkook's sleeping body.

"No, Monster." He sighed. "He didn't seem like he wouldn't run back home if I would've touched him after cutting ties with you."

"Good. Don't touch him or Bambi will never look at your face again."

"Don't need to threaten me. I know!"

We were a bit loud, but Jungkook kept sleeping through it.

"I mean it." I insisted.

"I know that you do." He patted my shoulder and went into his bed. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." Covered himself with the blanket and turned towards the wall angrily.

Watched him for a moment and then Jungkook for a lot longer.

I said the smallest "Sorry." to Taehyung that I wasn't sure if he's heard or not before walking out.

Ready to call it a night; I looked at my building and the window of my room. The lights were on. I looked down and the slight hard-on I had made me turn on my heel and change course.

'Room eighty-eight. Was it?'