Wounded

AN: Hi Smokers. It hasn't been 5 days, not even 4. I know...But since I'm so close to Russia, I've been...distracting myself by writing like a person with a mission. I'm not saying a chapter won't be posted in 5 days, but I am also not saying another one might not pop up in two days since I wrote a lot and I think everyone could use a distraction right now. I like how it turned out so I want to post what I have as fast as I can...considering ahem, that I'm scared I might not get to later and I really want to show you guys the chapters I got so far cause I really like them. Well, Hahahaa...(it's an ironic/ terrified laugh) I hope the: might not to get to later; will be a dark joke forever that doesn't turn out to be true but if I suddenly stop posting. Well, it was nice knowing you.

That...wonderful side note aside, from my brain to yours, a very early chapter. Enjoy:

I knocked and knocked. And a sleepy, tiny girl, wearing glasses opened the door.

I walked past her.

"Excuse me!?"

I walked up to Sandra's chair, where she stood, hunched over her notes. Earbuds in ears.

"Who are you? And do you know what time it…"

I turned the gaming wheeled chair around and shoved my tongue in when her lips parted in a surprised gasp.

"What the hell?" Her roommate didn't sound pleased to witness that.

Sandra hit my shoulders with her fists, but I just picked her up from the chair by the waist. She joined her feet behind my back because she was probably afraid that she was going to fall.

"Sandra, do you know him…what…"

I dropped her on the bed that was three steps away to the right and then ripped her earphones out. She just stared at me, looking tired and yet more alive than she probably was a minute ago.

Leaned in but she turned her head towards the astounded roommate.

"I don…ah…" I licked her ear and went down the neck and bit on the collarbone slightly, letting her feel my hard-on by lightly thrusting my pelvis between her legs.

I didn't know what I was expectin,g but her uttering: "Seo-Jun.", wasn't it.

"You're kidding me, right?" Her roommate stomped her foot.

"Go sleep in h…ah…Seo..."

I grabbed one boob and lightly squeezed. Only to let my fingers naturally end up at the nipple that I started crushing slowly.

"This can't be happening." Her roommate whined as it was currently happening.

I had no patience to make a good impression right now. Especially, not on someone that wasn't able to read the room, so I straightened up, walked up to her, and pushed her out of her dorm room in nothing but pink pajamas with violet hearts all over them.

I slammed the door in her face and locked it.

„Are you kidding me?!" She yelled from behind it.

I walked back to Sandra. She was in the same position I've left her.

And covered her body with mine.

"When you said we don't need to date…you meant…"

I slipped one hand under her blouse and found her already erect nipple.

"Yeah." I breathed out between thrusts of my clothed penis on her clothed pussy.

"But…" The friction itself was eliciting reactions.

I didn't care to wait for her to listen so I used my tongue to shut her mouth as I pulled her blouse up to the neck.

Two big round breasts bounced around while I fondled them and then sucked on one nipple.

"Mmm…" She tried to hold back any sounds of pleasure for some reason, "Can we talk for a …aah…" I bit her nipple hard to distract her from the fact that I was pulling her pants off the hips.

"Wa…it…" She pleaded when I found her hole and thrust a finger in without thinking.

'She's just as tight as…'

"I'm a virgin!"

Finger still inside her, one boob still in my hand, I looked up at her face.

And she was once again, redder than any human being I've seen so far.

"A virgin?" I repeated.

'Just my fucking luck.'

"I'm sorry, but…"

"You're sorry?"

I resisted the urge to laugh and let go of her boob like it was cursed and was about to pull the finger out when her hand prevented me.

I stared at it and then back up at her.

"I didn't say you should stop."

"You want this to be your first time?" It wasn't a question, but an emphasis on how ridiculous that idea was.

"I'm 21."

"So?"

"I'm 21 and I am a virgin." She repeated as if I didn't hear this previously, "I have never gone out with a boy because I always had to study and…" She averted her eyes, embarrassed. "After I'll graduate, I'll have to start working right away. Since my life is all planned out so I might never…"

"Date?"

She nodded.

"My parents think I should. But after I get a job....and what a joke that is, right? I will never have time to do anything for a long time so…"

I smiled.

"Then you're fine with being fucked by a stranger?" I smirked, not believing what I was hearing.

"Yes…no…yes? I...I am...at a loss at what I should do…"

She let go of my hand and I thrust another finger in.

She squealed softly.

"You need to make up your mind quickly then."

And kept thrusting fingers in and out her wet hole with no care for her enjoyment.

'It's so much easier to stretch out girls instead of guys. God, I wish Jungkook had a pussy. She's a virgin and yet…'

The walls were closing up, but juices were coming out and shortly after, her pussy was taking in four fingers in a matter of minutes as unconscious moans started to escape.

"You said your ahh...name was…"

"Namjoon."

"Ah…aha… and…Why did…you a…too deep!"

"My bad."

"Kiss me."

I touched her lips with mine, but she immediately shook her head.

"Why did you kiss me? By the store after…aw..."

The fifth finger was a bit too much, but she'd give in. I was sure so I kept forcing it in.

"Mm…is it really necessary to put your entire hand inside me?"

She retorted; a bit adamant.

I smirked wider with nothing short of unease, standing up. Took off my shirt and then my pants while she watched, laying down on the bed, feet grazing the floor, barely. The wet pussy was right on the edge of the mattress.

She stared at my penis and then audibly swallowed.

"Any other questions?"

"It's going to hurt, isn't it?"

"Losing your virginity hurts no matter the size, but…"

I kneeled before her. Collected the juices that gathered near her hole onto the palm of my hand and used it to stroke myself while I started licking her clitoris.

"The second time will feel better," I said.

'Maybe.' I thought.

Sandra's fingers went through my hair. Her knees wanted to squeeze my head, but I kept licking in circles, and up and down until she was moaning all by herself on top of the bed. As I was stroking myself on the floor, wondering why am I attempting to put sugar on a wound.

Certain she's climaxed when she started shaking and pulling on my hair at the same time.

I looked up from between her full thighs to see a shocked, out-of-breath, flustered expression.

"Never masturbated either? Well, you really did miss on living at all."

'When your mouth is open like that you look even more like Jungkook. So much like him that I want to…'

I discarded my pants before swiftly turning her around. She was now lying on her belly, creaking her neck to see what I was doing after I've parted her legs.

"Wait…wait!"

"I'm sorry, but that was me being nice and I can't keep being nice from now on..."

And shoved my penis in, feeling the hot pulsating walls parting like the red sea.

It was contracting around me, but it was so wet that I didn't stop pushing my dick in until she screamed at the top of her lungs. Perhaps out of pain from me rupturing her hymen before I got to pull out once, or because I was also expanding her pussy to a size that was simply not natural.

Either way, I covered her mouth.

I kept going in and out of her, using the blood as lube and ignoring the nails that were clawing at my arm.

After more or less of me not giving her muffled words and pained screams any acknowledgment.

She turned quiet and limp.

I had one hand on her lips and another on her right boob. Glued my chest to her back and went in as slowly as I could to reward her.

'So much easier to make it go deep. Fuck. The vagina just opens up to intruders…so warm and…inviting...receiving...'

She wasn't moaning, but I didn't care. I closed my eyes and kept pounding her with a speed that I thought was considerate enough for her state. Planted a kiss on her cheek once in a while. But I couldn't see, nor mind her any longer.

'I'm fucking Jungkook. This is Jungkook…I'm inside Jungkook and it's so good. So, fucking good.'

Without realizing it, I started jamming it faster and further, the blood mixing with the wetness of her pussy. And she started outright sobbing when I kept pounding the end of her.

'Shh, Jungkook, you'll feel better soon. Soon…'

And she did start enjoying it after a while.

To my surprise and probably hers as well.

Kept biting her shoulder every time I tried to get all of me into her, but I was blocked by her womb each time.

Resigned for now and concentrated on dragging it all out and shoving it back in faster. And when her moaning didn't match Jungkook's tone, but only the high volume, I nearly wanted to hurt her.

But I kept her mouth covered instead.

And her muffled moans were much better.

Lost track of time, but the more I fucked her, the more moans lost their strength and frequency. I felt her pussy orgasming at least two more times. But then I was simply fucking her hole without thinking about anything but what face Jungkook made when I was fucking him.

And I kept going and going until she's asked, almost submissively: "I'm sorry, but you're not…done…yet?"

"No."

"But I'm…exhausted…"

"Just a bit more." I lied.

"I understand, but my bone's hitting the bed when you…"

I slipped out of her and flipped her.

And went right back inside her after.

She hugged me from that position and continued moaning without energy.

It was weird, getting hugged by someone else.

'Jungkook missed me…he missed me…'

I started furiously slamming it into her after and her pussy just gave in to my penis.

Every nook and cranny were opening up to my abuse. Her juices and soft walls were making it so much easier than I was used to.

I parted her joined arms and stood up before the bed while I kept thrusting inside her. Pulling her closer to me. Joining her pussy with my penis as she kept her ass lifted.

Reached out to strangle her after the moans were interrupting the imagery of Jungkook's penis bouncing like her boobs were when I used to screw him.

She seemed scared when my fingers wrapped around her neck.

'Why did I open my eyes?'

"Don't worry. It'll feel good."

And it seemed like it wasn't a lie, since her mouth hung open and the eyes got watery. Legs wrapped around my waist as if she wanted to take some sort of control.

The bed was hitting the wall loudly with every thrust and the tip of her tongue slipped out when I leaned down and kept all of my cock that fit inside her only to keep fucking her without pulling it oout. When her head started banging against the wall, she didn't even seem to care as I kept rubbing the insides of her pussy without any break until the sun went up.

And her face was pale.

'Fuck.'

In my mind, I was taking off the loose clothes Jungkook wore today with my teeth. Making him sit in my lap naked so I could fuck him while biting on his nipple. His cock jerked itself off by moving up and down against my stomach while I went in and out of him.

His slim neck was a perfect fit in my hand. And his moaning sounded so much like a girl's. But not so much like an actual girl. Like the one moaning right now as she orgasmed once more mainly out of her pussy getting fucked numb as it was withstanding me abusing it repeatedly and relentlessly.

I shut her screams out and thought of how good his asshole tasted. Jungkook licking his own cum. Getting fucked on the bathroom floor. His small tongue trying to win over mine. His skinny body spasming around after ejaculating.

'Aahh…Jungkook...I miss touching you so fucking much...'

But my eyes opened and saw. The big round breasts, the plump skin, the lack of bones sticking out, the curves, and the face, that now communicated: More. Instead of Less.

Even if she wanted me to stop like two hours ago. She must have changed her mind at some point.

I simply wanted to orgasm before more people would find out I was there because they'd probably be waiting in the hallway after listening to her and the sound of our genitals crashing into each other for hours.

So, I pulled out and shoved my dick into her ass instead.

She cried out at once. And there was pain and no pleasure whatsoever.

Didn't shove it all in but just enough to feel her muscles grip me like Jungkook's. Covered her mouth with my hand once more and squeezed. Wet, wide eyes were looking straight into my eyes as I kept forcing my way in and out, again and again, while my hand got soaked by tears.

I whispered a soft "Shh."

And resumed thinking of Jungkook. Envisioned him staring at me from his bed and nothing else. His face bathed in the sun.

That was all I needed to feel warm all over right now. Among all the sexual fantasies I stored inside my head...it was him smiling innocently, naively at me that got me to ejaculate while I deflowered her asshole.

A high-pitched sound came out of her while I filled her up while still moving inside the tight space like I was purposely stuck.

'Now this brings back memories from me losing my virginity.'

I had to make sure it was safe to let her go. And the only way to find that out was to kiss her to see if she'll kiss me back.

When she did, I pulled out and plummeted next to her. Legs hanging out of the bed and sunlight lazily coming in through the bits that weren't blocked by the curtain.

She rose hesitantly and watched me, puzzled.

"Why did you...put it in my ass? It hurt…it hurt worse than...the front."

"Losing your virginity from both sides hurts."

She nodded as if that explained everything. Only to shoot her head in my direction again, asking:

"Do all men take this long?"

"Am I all men?"

She got up and wobbled, convinced that she had to check her phone.

Sandra's and my thighs, legs, and sheets were all covered in blood.

I exhaled heavily and gestured her to come back after she sent a text.

To my surprise, she obeyed.

"Did you hate it?"

She brought both legs up to her belly and soft boobs against the side of my right arm. Head by my head.

"Not…all of it. But some of it hurt terribly."

"That's because it was your first time."

"Or you're just big."

"Or you're just not used to it yet."

I finally took a good look at her tear-stained, exhausted, flushed face.

She cuddled up to me as I kept laying there. Not one part of me was feeling like touching her at all.

"Will it truly feel better after I get used to it?"

I nodded.

Thinking of what I had done. Thinking of how this was not enough. How this was not…

'Jungkook.'

She was now blinking slowly, so slowly that she probably would've fallen asleep right then and there, but I told her I'd help her clean up, and then she can go to sleep.

When she asked if I wanted to sleep over, I said no without blinking.

And she's surprised me once again by not looking disappointed by that piece of information.

I left her room fifteen minutes later at most.

Empty but unsatisfied.

Walked into my dorm room to a dancing pink-haired Jimin. And grunted.

"Bambi!"

Sweat was rolling off his body and the music was nothing short of loud and obnoxious.

"BAMBI!"

"Yes?!"

"SLEEP! Do you hear...fuck! Bambi!"

I pointed at the bed and he simply shook his head.

Frowned and shut his laptop.

"Hey!"

I waited for more complaining to happen, but when nothing but a nervous leer followed, I calmly explained:

"I don't enjoy bursting your exercise bubble either, but I need some sleep."

"And I need to relax. I've been studying all night."

"Put on some earbuds, then, please?"

"Ok…" He pouted but started searching for them anyway.

I changed clothes and then went to bed. But he was still staring at me, earbud-less.

"Where were you?"

"Hm?"

"Tonight and the …other night."

"With the guys. Played some cards, chatted, smoked a little, and that's pretty much it."

"I've smoked too."

I felt a chill run down my spine as I turned around to face the room once again. Noticing the red veins staining the whites of his eyes just now.

"Hmmm.…why?" I threaded carefully. Trying not to show that I wished he would've stayed clean forever since that was none of my business. Friend or not.

"I went out with this guy I …did once and he had some."

"Did you," I cleared my throat and just went for it, "Did you sleep with him for it?"

"Of course not... we watched a movie and talked."

"And was it… fun?" I covered my middle with the blanket as if he could see the virgin blood through the pants and rubbed the back of my neck.

"It was ok."

The squeaky voice had one of my eyebrows go up.

"Will you do it again?"

"I didn't like his beliefs concerning some important stuff. So, I'd rather not."

I rolled my eyes.

"Not that, Bambi. Will you smoke again?"

"I haven't decided yet. But if I do…, will you…be the one to get me some? I don't want to see him again. He told me he's done some bad stuff to his ex and I appreciated the honesty, but…it sounded scary."

'And I didn't?'

I pushed the thought down and ended up nodding affirmatively and apprehensively.

"If it's not too much to ask…"

"No. It's not. But the one who can give you some weed is Jungkook."

"How…come?" He stuttered.

"He's the one who knows this mysterious, mystical fucking dealer." I barked full of bitterness, but then quickly added, ignoring the hope that was making my heart beat faster straight away, "Maybe you can meet this dealer. It turns out all his interests lay in money because he's such a nice guy."

When the temperature of the room dropped two degrees, I tried to raise it back up by adding: "I'll go with you too. Don't worry, no one will hurt you."

"Or..." He elongated that one word and then cleared his throat, playing with the earbuds nervously, "You can give him my money and then bring it to me."

I was thinking of a way to convince him to do my bidding, but then he started rotating on his heels, hands in a praying position, eyes wide and submissive, asking: "Pretty please?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Fine."

Turned towards the wall and covered myself up to the neck.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you...!"

" Good night, Bambi."

'I got another excuse to see him, but I don't have the fucking…dealer.'

I sighed loudly at the thought.

"You're not upset with me, are you?"

"Why would I be? It's your life. And it's not like I'm the poster boy for the sobriety club. Although I'd stay away from the hard stuff if I were you. Friendly advice. No preaching."

"I don't plan on doing anything stronger..."

"Good for you then. Sweet dreams."

"Do you think Jungkook wouldn't give me any since I've talked to him so much about how hard it was for me to get clean from everything and all?"

"No clue. Night."

"I did exaggerate a little since you told me to, but it didn't stick to him. Anyways, maybe you can tell him it's for you and not for me. Or! For a friend of yours that he doesn't know."

"I'm not going to lie, Jimin." I hit the pillow until it didn't bother the side of my face.

"But what if…"

I turned around, clearly showing signs of frustration.

Jimin grinned, but it didn't travel to his eyes.

"V," I said with a smirk.

"What?"

"V's good at lying. Ask him. He'll be eager to."

'Now I've done my part. You're welcome, V.'

I sighed to myself and faced the wall once more, but Jimin kept talking.

"But he and I are not on good terms right now. And I don't want to face him or…"

"He won't do anything to you. I'll make sure of it. That, if I can get any sleep anytime soon..." I assured him and immediately frowned to myself.

'Since when am I willing to protect Bambi? He's not my boyfriend or anything... But we're friends? Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Friends care if their friends are safe. Especially when they're doing them a favor. Yeah, that's normal.'

The silence that followed didn't let me sleep. It was as if he was still talking so I made sure to shut down whatever paranoid thoughts his high mind was currently conjuring up and filling up the room like smoke.

"He wants to be your friend. He doesn't want to hurt you again."

The darkness that coated every word he said next was like chocolate dipped bullets:

"He …told…you…everything, didn't he? You two got so close, that fast?"

The resentment seeped through.

"Not at all. It's just…"

'We're scratching each other's backs.'

I thought it but it didn't seem like the right thing to say.

"Look." I turned to see him once again and prompted myself up on the pillow to show him how much I cared about the matter I tried to deliver casually a second ago. But I couldn't tell V I tried my best if I didn't actually do it, so I went on: "Give the guy a chance. And if he does anything out of line. I mean, touches your fucking thigh. Tell me. And I will shave his head with a knife and I really, really would love to do that anyway."

Jimin audibly smiled, but didn't seem like he believed me. So, I irked him on: "If he says anything that might have a double meaning. Or if you're ever in danger of being alone in the same room, call me, and I'll come and act as a rape block. I mean it. I'll be there in a heartbeat."

I snapped my fingers and the smile faded into shyness.

"I don't want Jungkook to know that I…"

"That's what I'm saying. Make use of the natural skills that V has at lying! Seriously, I've never seen anything like it. I might start going to church so they can teach it to me too."

He nodded and whispered: "Thanks Namjoon. I'll think about it."

"No problem. Now can I have some sleep?"

And the earphones started blasting their distant songs.

I spent the following days, studying, exercising, and either smoking with all of them or just with Jungkook and V.

And on a day like any other, it happened.

V was heading out with the guys at a club opening party and Jungkook and I were the only ones who didn't want to go so he left us by ourselves in their room.

For a moment, there was a grave quietness as both of us stood in front of each other after the door got slammed shut.

Then, Jungkook asked, like he wanted to make sure I didn't get any wrong ideas: "So....what do you want to do?"

"Let's hang."

I replied this, but kept staring at him intently.

"Sure..." He tried to avoid it by pretending that something was interesting on his bare feet and he went as far as reaching down and dusting it off, while casually trying to pull an activity out of me, "Doing what?"

'Kiss.' I thought.

"Smoke? And maybe watch that show that V keeps begging us to watch."

"Without him? He'd hate that."

"I think he wouldn't mind if he didn't get our reactions for the first two or five."

He seemed reticent, walking over to the closet where he kept the weed with hesitant steps.

"It has a whopping one hundred and forty-eight episodes, Jungkook."

"What?!"

He shouted, wide-eyed, hands hovering over a zip lock bag.

"I'm telling you; he'll get to see most of our reactions to this freaking anime even if we watched like twenty episodes."

He dropped some tobacco on the floor by mistake when he tried to wrap his mind around how long this is going to take and let the stuff it fall on a thin sheet. Some slipped out.

"That's how many hours? And remind me, why does he want us to watch it so much?"

I walked over to help him pick up the small bits of the floor.

"It's his favorite or something..."

"Wasn't Hero Academia his favorite?"

"This is one of his top favorites."

He started lashing out by beating the jacket where most of the tobacco fell onto and sending it flying towards the ground. Yelling:

"How many favorites does he have?!"

"Obviously, too many. Hey, stop making it go everywhere..."

I was picking it off the ground, but with little success.

"Just leave it. I'll sweep later."

"No. You won't."

"Namjoon..." It was not my name but a device for whining.

"I know you Jungkook. And you won't be cleaning anything later."

He resumed rolling a joint, but I was still picking tobacco off the carpet when he was done licking the sheet. This got him on his knees too, picking some until he's lost the little patience he had and complained at me because of it.

"It doesn't stick to my fingers. How do you do it?"

"Moist hands?"

"Just dump that in the trash and go start the anime."

"Impatient much?"

"I didn't smoke or eat today." He admitted, sounding on edge.

"I didn't either."

"Then go dump it in the trash and..."

He raised his voice. Demanded.

And whatever he saw in my eyes when I looked up made him go silent. Made him bite the inside of his cheek and then look down.

"Tell me what to do again." I requested that of him.

Sounding almost like I was commanding him to do it. But I was nothing short of turned on. Holding back from reaching out to fuck that demanding voice out of him.

But when he didn't repeat himself, I got up and let the tobacco fall from my open fist onto the open chip bag from V's small trashcan.

Then started clicking away, fishing for a pirated HunterXHunter pilot episode from 1999.

I was relieved to hear Jungkook lighting up on his bed and to my right since I almost expected to hear the door and to chase after him because he didn't want to be in the same room with me after that.

'Why did I think out loud? I'm not even blazed...I just wanted him to do it...and then I wanted to...aa no, bad thoughts. Bad.'

"Found it?"

"Yeah. Do I put the laptop on the chair or do you want to watch it on the carpet?"

"...bed's comfier."

'Is that an invitation or...? No. Bad. Shut up.'

I abandoned the device on the chair and sat on the bed right next to Jungkook. Two flat backs against the wall, smelly weed cloud floating above our heads as we passed the joint back and forth until it was done.

And when Jungkook asked what was the character's name, I couldn't remember.

"Something with a K..."

"Not the guy with the long hair, the small guy."

"Oh, Gon?"

"Gon? I could've sworn his mother called him Gong." He chuckled, I smiled.

"Gon is not a stellar name, but it's ten times better than Gong."

I spat out that name like it was hideous to pronounce too.

"He looks like a Gong."

"No, he doesn't."

"That's what You think."

"In what world would a short, skinny kid with spiky hair be called Gong?"

"In what world would he be called Gon?"

"In the one that we're currently living in."

But my argument meant nothing to his high mind.

" Like gone...like his father's gone! Now that makes sense."

"Wait, what happened to his father again?"

"Didn't you hear Gong's mother saying that he was killed in an accident?"

"Yeah. Maybe she's the one who killed him."

"No... she wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Look at her. She looks so... innocent."

He crossed his legs and leaned forwards, squinting his eyes as if he could see the hidden evilness if he did that.

"Not all women who look innocent are necessarily innocent."

"That doesn't mean that she has killed the father of her child."

"Aunt! Did you hear that? He said she's, his aunt. It's not even her child!" I pointed an accusatory finger at the screen and he lightly slapped it off since it was right next to his face.

"Sh. I didn't hear anything because of you."

"Both of them killed the father because he wanted to leave and left them to take care of a child that's not even theirs. And then they grew attached to him and now he wants to leave too. Yeah, that's it."

"The father's a hunter. He's not dead." Jungkook deadpanned.

"Why not?"

"What's the point of the main character going on a journey to become the best hunter while looking for his father, who's also a hunter, if his father's already dead?!" He threw both hands in the air, exasperated.

"That's why the women don't want him to go! That way, he'll never find out."

Jungkook facepalmed himself.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I know this weed's strong because you've lost your mind."

"Just because your mother is not evil doesn't mean mothers can't be evil."

His tone reached a high note, as he defended himself:

"I'm not saying it can't happen, but the AUNT is not being portrayed as a bad person."

"Classic misdirect."

He glared at me. Increasingly annoyed. While I tried to keep a straight face.

"You know I haven't heard anything from the scene with the three of them at the table, right?"

"You don't need to hear anything. I've already told you what's going to happen." I joked.

"Play it back and keep your conspiracy theories to yourself."

I smiled and almost laughed when he patted me on the leg and then pointed at the laptop. Demanding I do something again.

'Aa...but I will keep saying no until you get madder.'

"Can't we just keep watching?" I whined.

"The episode's over!"

"Yeah, but the site will start the next one automatically."

"If you didn't want to move, then you should've just said so..."

He got on his hands and knees to reach the laptop and I just unashamedly stared at his ass.

All amusement was gone.

It was harder to breathe as I moved my fingers towards him slowly but he was too far to touch without me having to move the rest of my body.

'Jungkook...I want you.'

"Here it is. The aunt's part. Yes. Finally. Now," He sat back down and rested his back against the wall again. And it took a bit for my brain to realize that I was staring at my outstretched legs and not at the screen because I was too busy feeling so many feelings hitting me at once.

To escape them, I turned my head to the left to look at him as he went on, waving his right hand around while looking at the laptop. "…yap about your crazy assumptions during the credits, alright? Cause I can't hear you and them at the same time."

The anime kept going and retained Jungkook's attention.

I was eyeing Jungkook's face that was centimeters away from mine.

Trying my best to hold back when anger overtook most of my feelings because he was able to pay attention at the show with me beside him.

And then heard myself saying:

"I'll put the Japanese version on, so you can read the subtitles."

"What? No. Wait, why didn't you do that from the beginning?"

"Because I'm an idiot."

He laughed and the corner of his right eye has caught me staring. That caused his head to also turn towards me. His cheek almost made contact with the wall when he inquired the obvious:

"Why are you staring at me?"

"I can't?"

"You can, but...you said you wanted to watch the anime. Remember?"

"I've already seen this episode."

He frowned at the bad joke.

"You didn't hear anything either."

I whispered a breathy, unintended alluring: "Yeah, you're right."

"You're high? Like higher than usual?" He suddenly asked.

"Yeah."

"Very high?"

"Yeah."

"Want to eat?"

"No."

"I'm hungry."

And then he faced forwards as he got off the bed and away from me.

I swallowed dryly, watching him search through a plastic bag on a low table that was filled with notebooks and sweets. Feeling myself melting into the bed. Immobilized. So heavy like it was impossible to get to him. I was thankful that I couldn't move, but I also felt incredibly sad.

'He thinks of me as his friend or is he pretending? Is he really...'?

"Want a soda? I only got grape and lemon though. V's bought them because they were new but then he only drank the regular ones."

I swished my tongue around my parched mouth and replied with a quiet: "Fine."

"Which one?"

When I didn't answer, he showed them to me, but I continued looking only at his face: "Either one."

"I think you'd like grape better."

"But grape will be sweeter so give the lemon to me."

He smiled at this and asked a sneaky: "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Now come here!"

His hands went still for a second. It was brief but his eyes stopped blinking and his smile faded.

Hence, I quickly added, the words that made the hole in my chest throb: "The second episode's starting."

"Already?"

"I guess the second half of the first one is cursed." I shrugged as he handed me the soda can and I gulped it down in less than two minutes. Feeling thirstier after.

He sat next to me again, but this time, not as close and only faced my way to ask:

"Chocolate?"

I nodded and broke a small piece, hoping he'd ask again.

We watched ten more episodes, but stopped to smoke another joint at the eleventh.

"I mean, I think I like it." He admitted while pausing mid-song.

"It's not bad."

Watched him roll another joint while discussing what he remembered of the plot and took a tiny hit before passing it to me.

"Actually, should you be having more? You've already forgotten what were the intentions of the..."

I lightly grabbed his wrist and turned the cigarette towards me. And took a hit. He laughed at my pretended desperation as I let go.

I held the smoke in and then smiled, watching his lips wrap around the joint.

"If V starts asking about details, then I'm fucked, but I bet I'll remember more than you."

"You want me to not agree with you more? Did I tell you about the teacher who made fun of my bad memory?"

"No."

"She asked me about what she had just talked about. Like, everyone laughed, but I couldn't just say: Well, I'm high. Can you leave me alone now?"

"Then what did you say?"

I mimicked him and crossed my legs. Facing him with my whole body.

He imitated what I thought sounded British but was probably just a posh woman talking even though he was narrating the part where he was talking.

"Aa...I am sorry Mrs. Choi, but I have an ear infection, so I had so much trouble hearing you well. I am so frustrated that your voice and my ears do not get along."

I burst out laughing.

"That's a horrendous lie."

He lifted a finger, smiling.

"That's also what she thought! Cause she didn't even bat an eye before she accused me of using illnesses to Ahem, COVER-UP MY LACK OF ATTENTION like an irresponsible student."

"She's not completely wrong though," I mumbled, amused.

He feigned being appalled. Putting one hand on his chest dramatically and using a high-pitched tone to act out how he's responded: "Me?! I could never. How could you make fun of my condition Mrs. Choi? I'm paying more attention than anyone here even though I can barely hear."

"No!"

"Yes!"

He passed me the wet joint.

"So did she end up believing you?"

"Of course not." He laughed, "She told me to bring a doctor's...what's it called, thingy." He waved the word he couldn't remember away and the smoke I've expelled when I choked from laughter. "Don't die on me now." He joked and hit my back to help me.

But when he was retracting that hand, I caught it and kept a vice grip on it.

And his smile was gone just like that.

"Sorry, I just..." His voice was small.

I assumed he must've thought I didn't want him to touch me which was funnier than anything we've laughed at today. But that couldn't have been further from the truth. And it must've been apparent when I looked down at his hand. But I hoped it wasn't obvious yet.

This is why I turned it on all sides, feigning that I saw something on it because I couldn't possibly say that I thought he was prettier when he laughed or that I got hard from it.

Instead, I lied through my teeth: "I could've sworn I saw something black on it. Like...right here." I pointed and he examined it too. Believing my bluff.

"It was a mild hallucination. There's nothing there."

"Yeah, there isn't..." I said, sounding disappointed because I was. Disappointed cause he slipped his hand out and picked up the joint that fell on the bed, which left a small hole in the duvet.

"So, what are you going to do?"

"About?"

He seemed to have forgotten what we were talking about as he lit it up and inhaled.

I felt myself enlarging as I watched his lips sucking on it.

'About what you're doing to me.'

"The doctor thingy? Fuck, now I can't remember what's called either..."

He smiled and breathed out the smoke.

"Hmm...I'll probably just tell her that I didn't go to the doctor since I had it before or something."

"But do you go deaf from an ear infection?"

He chuckled.

"I don't think so, but she didn't fight me on that particular detail. So, who cares?"

"That's true."

I put my lips where he had put his lips and finished the joint after one exaggerated inhale. He clapped, impressed at how fast I was turning into a weed addict.

But even if I wanted for this to be an honest fake friendship, I didn't have it in me to tell him that I didn't enjoy how vulnerable being high made me because of how slow my body was. Or the work I was unwilling to put in trying to think clearly or objectively.

I kept doing it because of the same reason though. Since it offered me plenty of time to take my hand back when I was about to touch him. And sensitive enough that I could hear the fear that came with me, pinning him down on this bed and kissing him against his will.

'Don't leave me. Don't walk out. Don't die from pills. Don't hate me. Don't...please don't...'

These pray-like thoughts rotated somewhere in the back of my mind the more I smoked. And I knew it was because of the weed, but I also knew it wasn't only because of it.

He slapped his thighs and then rubbed his hands together.

Asking: "Ready for the next episode? We gotta start paying attention or it won't make any sense soon."

"Shouldn't V be back by now?"

"I don't know...should I call him?"

He didn't wait for my response and almost got to get up when I blocked his path off the bed with an outstretched hand. He sat back down, confused and maybe, just maybe, a bit scared of how quickly I put that hand up.

'I guess my reflexes are still sharp...Huh. Guess one can't forget riding a bike after riding it for most of his life.'

I sighed. And then played off the possessive action that literally screamed: 'Don't get off this bed.'

With the sentence: "Don't. What are we, his parents? Calling him to ask when he gets home. Pff."

That earned me a slow nod, but he was clearly uncomfortable since my high mind forgot to bring the arm down. The hand that if I would've bent it, it could've been able to grab the back of his head and pull it towards mine.

However, I let it fall by his right thigh.

"You can go call him if you want. You're free to do what you want. My arm reacted on its own...sorry."

"Don't worry about it." He assured me.

'You don't sound like you're not worried, though...'

"Want me to press start?" He continued.

"Yeah. But before that, do you have another blanket, I'm a bit cold."

"You? Cold?"

"Yeah. My...a... legs are like ice lately. I don't know what's up with my circulation, but it's getting worse. Maybe it's a sign I'm getting older or something?"

I hid my erection with V's blanket for the next four hours and didn't touch Jungkook once on purpose. When he fell asleep, all curled up in a ball beside me, I used that blanket to cover him up.

V didn't return by the time I'd left, but I couldn't stay there any longer.

Because I found an innocent, sleeping Jungkook was just too hard to resist. And my chest was already hurting from the reactions he had at anything but a friend-like behavior.

But it turned out that I've been biting more than I could chew when it came to both V and Jungkook.

Since Bambi wanted to smoke three weeks later. And just like I've assumed, V wanted to use what he might've thought as a 'once in a lifetime opportunity' to go over some personal things with Jimin. But alas, since I was there. All that happened was a poor exchange of bills that fell in the space between them and splattered around. Some nervous apologies and even more nervous, hesitant, questionable acceptance of said apologies.

I was mentally facepalming myself the entire time.

And when I let V know that I had to be there at Jimin's request every single time, he was pissed. I felt like he and I got much closer and as I was getting to know him, and I found it hard to believe he was the despicable guy that I thought he was. Rape aside. Something I couldn't blame him for either.

But this was not about him and me. This was about his childhood friend and him.

"What the fuck?! I only want to talk to him!"

"Then talk to him."

"I tried. Didn't I? Didn't you hear me trying? You were there! And he used you as an excuse to quickly take his junk and flee, didn't he?"

"Maybe..."

"I've apologized about that one thing and I wanted to chat some more, but he said you're busy. And I knew you weren't busy because we made plans for later that day!"

"Yeah, but he didn't know that..."

I kept doing press-ups. Letting him vent without interrupting him much.

"This sucks!"

He yelled at the ceiling for the tenth time, laying down on the floor, belly up, crack of the arm covering his eyes.

"I know exactly how you're feeling, my friend."

'But in my case, I want you to be next to me so I don't do anything to Jungkook since I don't think I can talk to him any longer without saying anything that might make him doubt everything.'

If there was someone who thought life became nothing but a weird dream, it was me.

Jungkook and I have gotten closer than we ever have ever been. I, too, would, hand on the hole of my chest, say that we were what one would call actual friends now. Talking over the phone about study materials. Going to the store to buy junk food and Jay's cigarettes. He was truly getting comfortable around me and it showed from the unintentional brushes on the arm, the way he'd share his snacks with me without thinking about it, and that he would change clothes, regardless if his back was turned. Though that could've been because he didn't have much choice since I was almost always in their room when I wasn't in Sandra's room every time Jungkook stood a bit too close, smiled a bit too beautifully, or breathed the same air as me.

He was so animated when we were alone or with V, but when all of us were together. He was quiet.

Too quiet.

"I'll make sure the two of you are alone soon! I swear to God. So, just please, once...for me…" V begged for the second time in one hour.

"No-can-do. Bambi-and-I-got-a-deal." I breathed one word out after every press-up.

"God damn it!" He shouted all at once. The swear itself sounded like one long word that has lost all meaning for me at this point.

"You don't sound like you want to be just friends right now, V…I'm just saying…"

"I want to talk to him about what's happened and... other things that happened after. And sometimes when he might've misunderstood some stuff. But that's it! He was my best friend…Like a brother...like..."

"By the way, where's Jungkook?" I asked because I wanted to know, but also as a distraction out of whatever hole his mind was falling into.

"Out."

"With the guys?"

"No. They're supposed to hand in an essay that they then have to present. They need to prove they know the stuff they wrote. Which they don't. If it was me, I'd just give up. I think they should just take the bad grade and move on to the next. It's not the end of the world."

"Then... out, where?"

"I don't know, OUT. You, OBSESSED SON OF A BITCH!"

And the sole sound present for the next minute was that of the anime that V must've watched one million times before, so he kept it on once in a while because the silence bothered him.

I kept myself up without going back down.

Then we locked eyes at the same time.

Thinking the same thing before storming out of the room without our jackets.

"You cover that side; I'll handle this side."

V has agreed at the worst and yet only plan I could come up with.

There was little to no chance of either of us running into Jungkook and his dealer. Provided that they were on campus at all. But there was no way I could miss that little slither of a chance.

Therefore, I ran like a mad dog chasing an invisible cat.

Searching through the few faces that I was running by. Running through the hallways of the still open buildings. Ran through the small parks. By the fountain. Inside and beside the store and Cafe. Through the shadows of the trees and vines.

But Jungkook was nowhere to be found.

And when I was certain I've covered as much ground as I possibly could without starting to knock on students' doors or barging in ongoing classes, I called V.

But he didn't answer.

'He must've forgotten his phone again because of those artistic pants that have no pockets! I kept telling him people need pockets, but No!... fashion of the idiots....'

I've searched some more.

'Or maybe his phone got smashed by the drug dealer?'

Out of breath and getting paranoid after not smoking for two days or because I should be. Increasingly colder, shoulders slanting, and legs burning up, I dragged myself back to V's and Jungkook's dorm room.

And their door was wide open.

Inside it, a thin trail of blood drops was leading to the bed that I couldn't see from the threshold.

"Jungkook?"

"…"

His mouth held in a muted scream as he was holding onto a bleeding forearm.

"Who cut you?" I asked without thinking.

His eyes bore into mine and his reaction to my terror was to straighten himself up and pretend it didn't hurt anymore. As he said a simple, quick:

"No one."

"How can you lie to me when you're fucking bleeding?!"

„Why are you yelling?"

"Who cut you?!"

"No one!" He yelled back.

And I didn't care to think how friends would react. I forgot everything. And the hole from my chest was letting through nothing but the screams that were also going past my lips:

"WHO! I grabbed his wrist and quickly examined the wound.

'Thank God. It's not deep at all.' I thought and exhaled.

Then continued:

"THE FUCK DID THIS TO YOU?!"

"It wasn't..."

"TELL ME WHO DID IT! NOW!"

"I DID! Okay?! I did! Now leave me alone!"

"Don't LIE to ME!"

"I'm not lying!"

I let his bleeding arm go and started searching through V's drawers to distract myself from doing something I might regret.

"What are you doing now?" He murmured.

I walked out and halted at the first aid kit box that hung locked on the wall. Went back, grabbed the pipe I knew V kept under his bed in case I wanted to beat him up, and used it to beat the box and its small lock until it swung open.

"That's for emergency purposes, only." I was informed by a very entitled gentleman that was standing in the hallway, smoking a cigarette.

"I know."

Grabbed the disinfectant, bandages and left behind the scissors.

'I don't believe a word but better be safe than sorry.'

Shut the door to the bedroom with so much force that its sound echoed in and out the room. Approached the bed again and grabbed his hand.

After I've disinfected and bandaged Jungkook's wound while he stared at the floor with guilt written all over his face, I heard him whispering:

"I'm sorry."

And it burned. My face burned. The hole burned. My fingers that were red with his blood burned and my desire to hurt the person who did it was growing by the second.

Yet, because he blamed himself, I was trying to hate him for hurting the person I cared about.

But I couldn't.

And still, there was a part of me that wanted to force names out of him. A part of me that thought that in case there was someone else, I should forget all reason to get rid of it and then crawl my way back into his favors. But I shut that voice up and asked, sounding much more collected than I was:

"Why did you do it?"

I hoped I sounded understanding. But I couldn't even hear myself speaking through the buzzing in the ears.

All I could see was red.

"I…it's complicated."

I threw the medical stuff on V's desk.

"Feeling suicidal from the drugs?"

"What? No."

"Some classes are too much to handle?" I went on.

"No. I'm actually doing ok…considering…" He tilted his head towards the ground and then didn't continue.

"New dealer didn't want to give you green anymore because you forgot his name?"

"No! Namjoon, nothing's happened."

I smiled with irony, instantly closing the distance between us to forcibly take a hold of his wrist and show the bandaged forearm as if he hadn't seen it before. And let my scream hit his dry lips from up close:

"THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS?! WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS?! WHY?!"

"I..."

"GIVE ME THE BEST FUCKING LIE YOU CAN THINK OF! COME ON!"

His warm breath was showering my lips when the words came out, barely above a whisper:

"Don't yell at me…please…don't…"

I kept my grip firm but moved the big thumb over the soft skin, caressing it. Feeling it. And after I sucked in the breath he was letting out through pink parted lips and felt him doing the same to mine because there was nothing else that he could do at such proximity, something turned in my stomach.

"Tell me you won't do it again."

"...I won't..."

"And if it's someone else, then..."

He cut me off.

"It is me."

"Make me believe you."

"Namjoon..."

My lips were millimeters away from his. And I used that to suck in his breath one more time before I pulled back. When his eyes just wouldn't look at mine, I walked away. And turned my focus on V's open laptop instead. But I could barely see the colorful cartoons without wanting to break the screen.

Back turned to him when I said all I could say when the silence suffocated us:

"I'm sorry for screaming at you."

"It's fine. I'm glad that you…care."

"Of course, I care…"

"That's good…to know…"

"You thought I wouldn't care?" He didn't answer so I sat down, scooted up, beside him, back against the wall. And inhaled and exhaled as steadily as I could until I was dizzy.

"No. I know that you care about me. I was just saying that it'd be better if you said those words instead..." He was shyly picking at the nails of the hurt hand.

"Do friends tell each other they care about one another?" I asked, genuinely wondering.

"Sometimes."

"Well, there you go then. I care. Now, can you tell me what happened?"

"I already told you and it's...complicated."

"Fineeeee."

Shut my eyes and tried to ignore the throbbing veins that were boiling from the neck down and continued softly, guiltily: "But can you at least tell me if I had anything to do with it?"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Namjoon."

'That's funny because you didn't seem to think that a few months ago.' I thought.

"Did the guys upset you? Or was it V?"

"Can you stop asking about it? It's stupid. And done. Over. But it's better now. Thanks to you."

I sighed and then heard myself talking like I was on autopilot.

"Take an anti-inflammatory pill. Put some ice on it for ten minutes. Leave it alone. And then do it again."

"I will."

"Don't drink alcohol. Have some water for once in your life."

"I will…"

"And try not to sleep on it. Elevate it on a pillow or something. If you want to go to a hospital, let me know and I'll pay for it."

"It's just a cut, Namjoon."

"It's just a cut." I repeated with a whisper and shut my eyes. "I know that this is a shallow cut, but if you'll do it again, I'll…"

And no threat came to mind.

"You'll what?"

"Tie you up?" I asked him, squinting my eyes at the ceiling.

"Wow, now I'm scared." He mocked.

"Shut up. But really. Don't do it again." I spoke way too curtly, way too seriously. But he understood me. And nodded.

"I wasn't planning on doing it once." He chuckled darkly, talking slowly.

"But you still did it."

"It happened…"

"…becauseeeee?"

"Let's stop talking about it, I beg you."

He exhaled, tiredly, and rested his head on my shoulder. And after a minute, asked:

"Where's V?"

"Out." I let him know.

"He left his phone on the desk." He pointed out. Both of us, eyeing it.

"He…forgets things when he's high."

"So do you." He argued.

"Yeah, we got that in common."

"You two get along really well lately."

"I guess."

"...it's nice."

The sweetness of his voice made me sad. The bandaged arm lying flat on his extended leg made me sadder.

I wrapped my left arm around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head without being able to stop myself.

He didn't move.

Turned to look at the still image of the anime and didn't do anything else.

Neither said anything else. We simply sat next to each other.

My left hand holding onto the upper part of his arm. The entire side of my left leg was touching the side of his right leg. And I didn't feel like doing anything sexual for once. Even though I've almost kissed him a few minutes ago.

Now I was almost too scared to as if he was too precious and far too fragile.

I found that feeling so unusual that I couldn't explain it to myself.

The silence was comforting.

His steady breathing was calming me down.

The fact that we were so close to each other just because we were in the same space at the same time.

It was nice.

That was until V burst through the door, sweating, huffing, and puffing.

Letting himself collapse on the bed that was right in front of the open door when he caught sight of the both of us.

"Who are you running away from?" Jungkook wanted to know, but didn't slide away from the arm that was still around his shoulders.

"..Jog…ging…" V casually lied while he was still trying to catch his breath, but the anger of those words didn't match the lie.

"Since when do you jog?"

"Since today!" He bit back. Starring at Jungkook with malice. Obviously, upset at him.

"Why are you here?!?" He shouted.

"This is my room too, V."

"Not you."

I shrugged when Jungkook looked at me with confusion.

"Why didn't you call?!" V accused me at once.

And I pointed with a finger at the phone from the desk.

"Fuck me." He whined, finally catching his breath. He got up to get some water when he noticed the blood from the floor and the bed. And then Jungkook's arm.

He stepped back, watching me with an expression that I found oddly reassuring.

'He thinks I did it, but he didn't expect me to do it. Interesting.'

"It was me. I've cut myself. Not Namjoon." Jungkook blurted out. Reading V like an open book.

And Taehyung squinted and asked a strained: "But why?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. No one else did it. Alright? It's not deep. Namjoon applied stuff on it and it's good. It's all good. Good?"

His rant didn't leave him winded. But the edge to his voice did let V know that there was no point in asking again.

"Ibuprofen?" I requested and that's what got V to move again with unsure steps. As if he got drunk from looking at the bandaged arm.

And while he was searching through a bag in the closet after locking the door with robot-like movements, I kissed Jungkook's forehead again.

He visibly relaxed. Resting his head back on my shoulder.

V observed this position through the eyes of someone who hasn't run two miles in anything but a T-shirt and made some faces when Jungkook's eyes were closed.

And mouthed the words that probably meant: Are you back together?

I mouthed one round: no.

He shrugged and dramatically mimicked getting shot and being utterly defeated at the same time and then collapsing on his bed.

Saying, for the eleventh time after Jimin refused to give V his phone number even though the guy kept repeating that he only wanted to talk every time they've met, that: "This day sucks." And turned towards the wall to probably sleep the rest of the day off.

I smiled.

And held onto Jungkook tighter.

Grateful that he was near. Mine or not. Grateful that V would run more than I would to search for Jungkook.

Grateful for everything.

Wishing all of us would stay like this forever.

But Jungkook got up first, asking me: "Do you want a smoke?"

"We're out!" V shouted from the bed, raising an arm out and swaying it around.

"No, we're not."

V turned around on his pillow to catch Jungkook unzipping his dark red jacket only to pull out a heavy-looking zip lock bag from an inside pocket.

And my and V's eyes locked again.