Pillow

AN: This chapter and the next four are from Jungkook's perspective.

'So boring. I should've taken half a pill when V did.'

"Psst. Jungkook."

"Is there anything you'd like to share with the class Park?"

"No, Mrs. Choi. I apologize for interrupting."

I peeked down at Jimin's pink head which was further and lower than I wanted it to be. The rows of desks were all placed on massive wooden stair-like structures, and it was making it hard to even graze the head of a student whether you were sitting at the desk that was literally above theirs.

"What?" I bluntly whispered his way and got a lot of "Shh!" sounds from my fellow students and one evil glance from the teacher.

I stared at her and she stared back. Then she went back to writing something on the blackboard.

Jimin threw a crumbled piece of paper up in the air. I reached for it but failed to grab it.

The paper fell to the floor.

Jimin wrote something on another piece of paper, ripped it, and threw it back up. Did it again and again until I caught it on the fifth try.

I was winded and scolded through telepathy by the girl that was sitting on Jimin's left after nearly getting hit by paper balls four times in a row.

But luck was on our side since Mrs. Choi was busy writing, hence her back was completely turned.

I mouthed a 'sorry' to the girl and then flattened the paper.

"Were you with Namjoon yesterday? He promised he'd help me write a paper."

I stared at the words. And kept staring at them until the note might've as well caught on fire.

'He wasn't with the guys because they came over after and asked if we'd seen him. He wasn't with Malek cause he's been playing games all night so he went to sleep early. And he wasn't with Jimin either. So, where…'

I wrote back a small "No." And let it fall on his desk. Too bad it rolled off and Jimin didn't catch it so he had to crawl under the desk to get it.

"Park!" And his head hit the underside of the desk. "Why are you not on your chair?!"

"My pen fell, Mrs. Choi."

The teacher scoffed.

"What was I was saying? Ah yes, the intrinsic style of…"

I watched Jimin open the note and then close it like it was a book.

"What was that about?" V whispered in my ear.

'He saw him! Mrs. Choi saw Taehyung talking! But she didn't scold him. Again! She never does...Eh, I'm witnessing favoritism at its finest.'

"Namjoon didn't sleep in his bed last night." The words that left my mouth sounded like I was more concerned about it than I intended to be.

"And?"

"Is there anything more important than the most important class you're ever going to take, Jeon Jungkook?"

'Woman. This is an amphitheater so your desk area and blackboard are so far away...Like levels below us, so how! For scientific reasons purposes, do tell me, how in he'll name are you able to hear us from down there?! Or see us with your back turned?! Are you a medical miracle or an alien?' I talked to her using my thoughts but thankfully, I couldn't use telepathy yet.

"Jeon? You can't move or speak anymore? Has that ear infection rendered you paralyzed now?"

I stood up and sighed, before uttering a deadpan: "No. Mrs. Choi. I'm sorry."

'You're not going to make the whole class hate Taehyung? No? Just me? Ok. I'll sit down now.' I thought.

"How about you remain standing for the rest of this period? That way, there'll be nothing to distract you from learning."

The smirk that followed that genius idea had me internally screaming, smiling with both eyes shut, and feeling like I was about to cry from frustration.

'I despise her so much.'

Although my legs were hurting, nothing else occurred during the rest of the class. Whether that had to do with me standing or not, no one will ever know.

But I was giving V a piece of my mind the second she was out of sight.

"How can a woman abuse her power to this degree? Is it even legal if I am not a seven-year-old?!"

"I think she just wants to make sure everyone's paying attention," Taehyung argued.

"You're secretly screwing her, aren't you?" I inquired blankly. He laughed.

I went on, shoving my notebook in my bag furiously: "Answer me god damn it. Do I have to sleep with her so she'll stop tormenting me every single time I breathe the wrong way?"

"Jungkook?"

"What?!" I snapped and then followed where the voice came from.

A tired Jimin blinked with surprise.

'You look like you've spent the night waiting for Namjoon.' That is what I wanted to say.

"What's up?" This is what I said.

"Nothing much. Just had a tough cramming night."

"The upcoming test is brutal," Tae complained.

I twisted my neck swiftly to squint at Taehyung.

"How would you know? You haven't cracked a book open in weeks."

"I can tell when something's going to be hard before doing it." He shrugged his shoulders innocently.

"Aren't you a great fortuneteller? Did the old ladies and their crystal balls hear about you yet?"

Jimin didn't seem to be interested in our conversation so he spoke before whatever great response V had prepared in his overactive brain made it past his lips.

"If you see Namjoon, will you please tell him that I need help?"

"Sure…"

'Is it the light in here or are his eyes a bit too red?'

He nodded and walked away. Appearing almost sad.

"Now that this is over. On to the next one. Come on, Jungkook! Time is of the essence."

He started pushing me from behind after grabbing both of our backpacks.

"For what? We have one hour break until the next period!" I reminded him with desperation.

"Coffee time!"

"How are you still alive?!" I screamed.

"Will power."

"I don't think you can stop a heart attack from happening with that. Hey! Quit it, I'm walking…look…"

I bumped into an unmoving Jimin and almost hugged him in the process.

"It's V's fault." That was my quick automatic reaction, but when he turned around with eyes as big as saucers, I slapped my grumpiness away: "Aa, Jimin, is everything alright?" I asked lowering my volume considerably and softening my tone to match the dark cloud that was hanging above his head.

"Can I have some coffee with you guys?"

"Aaa…" I looked over at Taehyung who was nodding a bit too fast. "Sure. Come. But it's no big deal. It's just…coffee that Tae shouldn't be drinking."

I squinted my eyes at him as he jogged in one place. But then I felt a tug on my heartstrings when I heard a question that sounded like a whisper from someone who was about to cry:

"You call him Tae?"

"Aa...sometimes…" I admitted it and felt bad immediately. Not certain about what I've done wrong.

"Let's go people! We're wasting precious minutes!"

One hand on each of our backs was now forcing us towards the exit of the classroom, down the wide, old wooden stairs.

But Jimin simply let himself get pushed with no expression on his face whatsoever.

We got into the dorm room without talking much. And Taehyung turned on the coffee maker his father mailed him from home as soon as he stepped in.

He said it was the only thing they agreed on. Apparently, the Lord had nothing against a good cup of joe.

"Will you have some water too?" Then I quickly added: "So you don't die?"

"Why do you keep saying he'll die?" Jimin wondered while looking at the mess of the room and I was busy doing the same but for different reasons.

'Did we leave all the drawers open?' That was my first thought.

"I took something before class." Tae let him know.

"Something?"

"A pill."

"Got it."

And Jimin looked at the floor.

"Sit down, it'll take a while to brew." I offered him my bed but he sat on the chair anyways.

'Since when is he so strung up around me?'

I shrugged it off and opened the closet, in hopes that I could sneak out some weed and smoke behind the building after lying to Jimin that I'm going to the bathroom.

But then a yellow post-it caught my attention.

"The heck?" I asked no one in particular.

"Jimin, do you want a pack of sugar or two?"

"One."

It read: "Put it on my tab."

'What tab? Who wrote this…who…Namjoon. This is his handwriting, isn't it?'

I palmed the pocket and sighed with relief when the two bags felt as heavy as I remembered them.

'He probably only took a little but why did he come here while we were gone?'

I eyed the room with new eyes and it took all the willpower that I had to keep standing.

'He searched through all our stuff! We didn't leave the drawers open or the beds like that! I knew it!'

"Coffee?" A hyper Taehyung offered and I took the cup just to not have to interact with him.

Only to put it down on the desk before walking over to my bed which had Namjoon's jacket on it.

I swallowed and eyed the pillow. Covering the view with my own body to check inside it.

"Jungkook, what are you doing?" Jimin asked but I didn't bother answering him.

'It's still here. It's fine. He didn't find it.'

I exhaled with newfound relief.

"Jungkook?"

"What?!" I turned a bit too angrily which seemed to momentarily startle Jimin.

"Why do you have OxyContin in your pillowcase?"

'How did he see, wasn't he on the other side of…'

"Where's Taehyung?" I asked, way quieter.

"He went to the bathroom."

"Right…"

"Please tell me you're not addicted to OxyContin. That'll destroy your life."

"I'm not! I'm just…holding it for a friend." I tried, smiling nervously.

"That's the worst excuse I've ever heard."

"I swear. I'm not the one using it."

"Jungkook, please...it is nothing like pot."

"I know! That is exactly why I am not doing it!"

"Then why do you ha..."

I felt afraid. Cornered. And my whole body felt tight. The walls were closing in.

" Do I look like I'm using it?! Huh? Do I look happy?!"

He stepped back.

"No…"

"Are my pupils dilated? Am I breathing weirdly? I know we didn't hang out much for a long time now, but can't you tell I've been sober? Or at least now? Do I not look sober?"

"…Namjoon's told me you smoke every day…"

"I do but not every day. I reduced it and I didn't even get to smoke today, because…ah…" I rubbed my eyes, threw the pillow on the bed, covered it with Namjoon's jacket, and exhaled, "…why are you here Jimin?"

"What?"

"Every time I've asked you to hang out with any of my friends, you said no. And now you're here to…"

"Catch you hiding OxyContin in your pillowcase." He finished the sentence a bit too calmly.

Taehyung walked in just when I was saying: "Please don't tell anyone or you'll have my life on your conscience. I swear it's not for me."

"All stalls were occupied. And I got zero patience. So...what's not for you Kook?"

"Nothing." I turned to look at Jimin with pleading eyes. He sighed. And then they lit up as if an idea brought him back to life.

"Do you want to have a smoke, Jungkook?" Jimin suddenly asked.

"A…sure. Why not?" I heard myself say that like I wasn't even in the room anymore. But floating somewhere above the bed.

"It's a bit late for that. We'll smell and…" Tae commented, blocking the closet with his body.

"We can skip. I'd very much like to have a smoke."

I couldn't believe what came out of a coffee-sipping Jimin.

"But…your sobriety," I argued quietly.

"A bit of weed won't hurt anyone. It's not like I'm doing…hard stuff like OxyContin."

"Right." I let out through clenched teeth, walked away from the bed, and poked Tae's stomach to make him move aside.

But he was looking at Jimin with so much intensity that I doubted he felt me poking at all.

Then he walked up to Jimin and whispered something in his ear.

I couldn't hear what they were saying as I pulled out some weed. The post-it was making my throat constrict.

Choosing to ignore them entirely, I started ripping a cigarette open on V's bed while they were discussing God knows what.

'Was it because I cut my arm? Is that why?' I shook my head at the idea. As if that would rule it out as a possibility.

Ten minutes later, when we were sitting on the same bed talking, Jimin laughed. So, I mimicked his laughter feeling like I'd been betrayed by someone who was the last person I would've thought would pull a 180 on me.

"Here," I told Jimin but V was the one who grabbed it and took the first hit.

"Honestly, have some water." I scolded Tae but he just laughed.

When Jimin smoked next, he didn't cough. He didn't seem much different after the joint was done either. It was as if he was already high. And it seemed that being high made him depressed.

'Now that I'm thinking about it, he's been looking sad for a while now.'

"Thanks." He told me.

"Anytime." I casually said, tossing the ashes into the trash.

And couldn't recall where we left the air freshener when I heard Jimin saying:

"I might take you up on that."

I turned as burnt, wide-eyed, and slightly irritated. He drank the last sip of his coffee. Handed the cup to V and told us he was going to get his stuff for the next class.

I was angrily swinging my feet on the edge of Taehyung's bed five minutes later, with no intent to go attend literature anymore.

"Oh well. I've never felt closer to Namjoon in my life."

Tae looked at me puzzeled.

"Crack another window, will you? And spray some perfume. I'm going to the bathroom."

He nodded and I walked out. Phone in hand.

'Maybe he saw it and didn't take it. And the only way to find that out…'

I called Namjoon as soon as I made it into one of the stalls from the unusual buzzing communal bathroom.

'What is he doing?'

I called twice but to no avail.

'He'll call me later. Hopefully during Mr. Wang's class. That'll show him for waking me from my afternoon nap.'

I washed my face; swirled the water around and spit it out the second I heard the phone ringing. I picked it up at lightning speed:

"Hi!"

"Jungkook? Are you in class?"

I saw myself reflected in the mirror. Animated and alive. That was until my brain made the connection between the voice and the owner of the voice.

"Why aren't you in class Jay?" I asked flatly.

"I feel like messing around a bit."

"Now? I have to watch Tae or he'll start running in circles."

He didn't care to humor my bad excuse.

"See you in five."

He hung up.

I glared at the phone with nothing short of silent, deathly rage. The white noise that spread inside my head like flies was a noise that I confronted with:

'Maybe I should start doing OxyContin.'

But the flies were back a second later when I returned to the room and found Taehyung sleeping soundly.

'How is he still alive? A pill, a cup of coffee, and some weed equal sleep for him? Well, at least that works out in my favor.'

I walked out after smoking half of the joint I abandoned in a drawer days ago. I had to make sure I was completely baked. But that meant that I had to keep myself sober for a day or two so I wouldn't grow tolerant. I had to.

Walked out with a backpack full of books and notebooks that I wasn't sure I needed.

And because my brain didn't work properly, I went into the wrong building. Looking around for a number that couldn't be there.

Walked back out a bit more ashamed than I already was and asked for directions because I couldn't bear walking anymore.

"It's over there."

"Thanks."

"Did you arrive just today?" The guy asked.

"Nope."

I walked away without blinking once.

Went up the stairs. Reached the end of the hallway of shame and knocked.

'I hate room 72. I hate it. I hate it. I hate…'

"Hi!" I exclaimed in a high-pitched tone with a wide grin on my face.

"Come in. Get comfortable."

'Not unless I suddenly pass out.' I thought with a mad smile on my face.

I dropped the backpack to the floor and then my shirt along with it.

"Woah, Woah!" Hands up in a defensive matter, he scoffed, "Why are you getting undressed?"

"Didn't you want me to take it off last time?"

"That was last time."

Jay locked the door as I was putting the shirt back on.

Then he sat down on the only bed in the room and took off his pants.

I walked up to him, got on my knees, and started sucking his limp cock like it was a normal thing to do.

"Ain't being single a bitch?" Jay complained after a while, laying on his back to look at the ceiling instead.

'You're telling me about it...'

I kept fighting with getting it in and out since it was not erect yet. Since he didn't like the feeling of my manly hands around his cock.

"Can you rub my balls a bit?"

"Sure."

And I pulled on them like Namjoon used to pull mine.

"That hurts!"

He got up and slapped my head with so much speed that I almost choked.

But the question: "What the hell are you doing?!", wasn't an angry one so I was able to remain calm.

"Sorry."

Fondled his small balls and took in his reasonably sized dick. And like each time, I was grateful he was not as big as Namjoon.

Licked it up and down. Spat on it. And then rolled the still soft dick around with my tongue in the confines of my mouth.

"It ain't doing it for me. Sorry. Can you pass me the laptop?"

'Why do you always make me bring you the damn laptop?! Just put it on the bed BEFORE I get here!' I thought.

"Sure," I replied softly.

Waited until he picked a video from his collection. Wondering who Namjoon was talking to on the phone when I called him.

'That guy who was also a Kim? He got his number.'

"Ok, start over."

I was licking lazily through the recording of a woman sobbing loudly.

Didn't dare look at her face.

Shut my eyes and kept licking around until it got harder.

He took a hold of it and then started slapping me across the cheeks with his penis.

The woman begged for her children's life. And then screamed from what sounded like, excruciating pain.

My knees were getting weaker by the second.

And that's when he ever so slightly bucked his hips towards my parted lips.

I went down on it and then back up.

He was finally hard.

Sucked on it diligently while some children screamed. And men laughed.

'I hate this! I hate you! Just kill me motherfucker! Just KILL ME ALREADY!'

"Jungkook?"

"Yes?" I cheerily asked.

"My balls."

I sucked on them while he jerked himself off and then hit me in the head with it.

Children screaming. Men laughing. Women were crying because they were getting beaten up with sticks, shut with guns, cut with knives, or burned alive.

That's what Jay always ejaculated to.

While I remained entirely soft, eyeing the baseball bat that was the only thing inside one shelf of the otherwise junk-stacked bookshelf.

Ready to use. Either for him or I.

"Swallow…swallow…" He breathed out while he pumped himself vigorously.

"Not my grandma! NO, PLEASE, LET HER GO! She's sick! She…" A different woman from his screen begged.

While hot semen coated the insides of my mouth.

And I …didn't swallow.

He shut the laptop and then uttered the worst "Thanks." that I ever had the displeasure of hearing more than once.

"Mhm." I nodded with my mouth shut tight and then got my backpack.

"Don't do anything stupid."

I nodded again. Eyed the bat. Watched him unlock the door and then I was out.

Free once more.

Hurried over to the closest bathroom where I spat his semen in the toilet. Gargled water and spit it out in the sink.

'I hate this. So much…I hate everything. I wish I could just fucking go to sleep and never…'

I was staring at my red eyes when I realized that someone else was looking at them and not at the rest of the mirror.

"Can you see my aura or did your eyes get stuck?" I barked.

"You did the same thing last week." The guy who was wearing a green sweatshirt, leaning against the bathroom tiles calmly told me this.

"Ha?"

"Rushed in, vomited in the toilet, and then cleaned your mouth with water."

"…"

I turned; a bit afraid. Until he inquired, head tilting to the side: "Are you… bulimic? Cause you should stop. It will wreck your gums and your gag reflex will stop working. Pretty soon you won't be able to hold food even when you want to."

I started chuckling and the guy wasn't surprised by the natural shift in emotion but I was disappointed in myself for reacting so honestly.

"Bulimic?" I mocked. My eyes went wide, leaning forwards, hand hiding half the smile that was exposing my teeth.

"You're too skinny already."

"Bulimic?" I repeated, exclaiming the ridiculous word. Unable to breathe because of how funny that was.

'I wish that was my problem.' I heard the thought coming from somewhere in the back of my mind. Calm. Sad. And tired.

I wished I could say that but I looked him dead in the eye and concealed any further amusement. Nodding at once. Acting as if: Yes, you've caught me.

"I've always been hurt by that. I think I've worked hard enough to be labeled anorexic."

"I'm sorry. It's just that bulimics are the ones who usually throw up."

"I haven't eaten in days and that's what you call me?!" I cried out and then ran out while the guy was yet to move another muscle besides his hand.

All emotion was gone the moment I stepped out the door. And sighed.

'I don't have an appetite because I'm depressed. And people throw up because of anxiety too. Don't just assume. You stoic-looking bastard.'

I wondered if I should start searching for the next classroom now if I wanted to make it without asking around.

But checked my phone first and found that Namjoon still hasn't called back.

'I shouldn't care.'

And he didn't call for the next couple of days. No matter how many times I stepped on what little pride I had left, and called him.

The phone was always off.

He didn't tell Jimin where he went. The guys didn't know. And I didn't know.

Therefore, when I was particularly high and paranoid, I asked around for the guy named Kim Seok-Jin, and sure enough. After talking to three other guys named Jin, who looked nothing like the one at the party, I found him. And of course, he didn't recognize me.

"Hello."

"Hi?"

'Most likely, he didn't bother looking at the couch behind Namjoon.'

"Can you help me?"

"Are you lost?" His friend asked.

"No. I just wish to speak with Jin for a moment." I smiled, submissively.

"Are you high in the middle of the day?" The girl asked with a judgmental giggle so I dropped the smile.

"About what?" Jin asked.

"Namjoon?"

"Who?"

"Kim Namjoon. Tall guy…at the…ahem… party."

"Ooh."

We walked away together while his friends made numerous catcalling sounds.

"Did he send you? No. That'd be weird. Did he lose my number?"

"I don't …know."

He looked far into the distance and then cupped his chin.

"Are you his boyfriend or something? Cause he hasn't called. He's just asked for my number and then nothing."

He threw his hands up dramatically.

When I didn't react was mainly because my mind couldn't accept that response. He went on just as flamboyant:

"Look, I know I'm handsome but he didn't call me, alright? So, don't get all jealous and stuff. We talked then and that's it."

"No. I'm not his boyfriend. I…he…hm… he recently…disappeared and…aa…can you try calling him for me?"

"You're his friend?"

"Ah, yes."

"And you don't have his phone number?"

"I do. But he might've blocked me by mistake. Or his phone's been turned off for days and I don't know why."

'Or both.'

"Oh, alrighty."

He called with one hand on his waist, whistling. And then blurted out a simple: "Phone's off."

"Thanks."

And I walked away.

"No problem…"

I heard him saying on my way out.

I pushed the doors open with frustration and headed back to my dorm room where five high guys resided.

"Kook, where've you been?" Martin asked. Dwayne looked up from his phone for the span of one slow blink.

"Took a walk. To… sober up."

"What for?" Jay mocked with a smile.

"Hi, Jungkook." Jimin greeted.

"Yeah, hi. To clear my head so... I could study."

"Really? On a Saturday?" Dwayne sounded appalled.

"Better late than never." I dragged on the last word when Jay followed me to the closet and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, whispering: "Make sure to bring it to the lamp tonight."

And then walked away, allowing a high Taehyung to walk up to me and ask a bit too loudly: "You two got secrets?"

"Yeah. Tae. We're talking behind your guy's backs all the time." The irony didn't reach where his floating brain was.

"Not fair. Tell me what he said."

"No."

I shut the closet using mostly my forearm and it stung. The cut still stung for some reason.

"Jay! You tell me." Taehyung whined, running up to him and hugging him on the carpet while I opened a notebook and pretended to read it on my bed.

Using earphones to block out the sound of Jay's laughter.

Dwayne caught me staring at Jay. Hence, I switched my focus to Taehyung. But it was too late. He caught me.

'It doesn't matter. Relax. Relax. Breathe in and out. Shit, I only wish I could find something that'll just knock me out. Alcohol…yeah...I'll get so drunk after tonight that I won't remember my name. Yeah. That sounds like a good plan. A perfect plan.'

Jay held up the joint and moved it around as if calling a pet with it.

I shut the notebook, shoved it aside, and went to fetch it.

"Do we have a test?" V asked, head on my shoulder.

"Essay. Don't you remember?"

"Don't make fun of me. You remember that but you never remember where the class is."

"I guess we forget different things." I shrugged it off and took the smallest hit.

"I wish I forgot something like that." Martin sighed.

"What do you forget?" Taehyung wanted to know.

"Names. Well, I don't forget them. I mismatch them. I always end up saying the wrong name to the wrong person."

Jay, Jimin, and Taehyung laughed. So, I laughed too.

And kept faking laughs until Jay's face seemed far away. Blurry and distorted. Despite having smoked less than usual.

But I loved it. Since it was as if he was from another dimension. One that couldn't possibly be the same as mine.

But I wasn't that lucky.

The night drew in faster than I would've wished. And after Taehyung drank himself to sleep after failing to get us to drink too. While Jay lied to him about how much he's had.

And when I helped him up and tucked him in, looking more dejected than I've seen him in days, he told the world and not me in particular: "I miss Namjoon."

'Me too.' It's what I wanted to say but didn't.

I sneaked out with the Oxy in the inside pocket of the jacket when he started snoring loudly.

Hid the key under the mat and walked slowly but surely toward hell.