Sauce

When I woke up, V was eating instant ramen, watching Boku No Hero Academia.

I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. When my bladder demanded I stop pretending, I quietly got out of bed.

A paranoid part of me didn't let me pass the closet. That is why I felt inside the hidden pocket to make sure that the coke bag was still there.

Exhaled out of relief and...

"Good morning!" Taehyung exclaimed, slurping on a thick noddle.

I stared at his lips and felt my face heating up.

Immediately turned back around to look for something to change into.

"Morning," I mumbled.

"Did you sleep well?"

'This is not awkward at all! This is fine. Especially since he's never asked me that before. Ever!' I screamed in my head.

"Yes. You?" I casually played along.

"Best sleep I had in months."

"Great."

"Jungkook, are you being shy right now?"

"Why would I be shy?" I asked, trying to keep the volume constant and uncaring.

"For starters, you picked up a t-shirt, put it back. Picked up another one, and put it back. You want me to leave the room so you can change in peace?"

My lips parted and no thoughts joined them but a new feeling did. Like I was inside a cart swinging on top of a rollercoaster drop, bracing myself.

I walked up to him, requesting: "Joint?"

He put it in my hand and I lit it up while he watched me take hit after hit.

And decided to change the subject.

"What day is it?"

"Sunday?"

"For sure?"

"About ninety percent." He said, grinning.

I smoked as much as I could while he slurped the rest of the noodles. And when the plastic container hit the desk, I went back to the closet and with my back to him, took the shirt off to prove that I was unaffected.

'I think my tolerance's dropped again, shit. No, don't panic. It's fine. It's just Tae. Yesterday has never happened. Yesterday will never happen again. It was a dream. A wet dream but a dream nonetheless. A hallucination after cutting that wom…'

Two long arms wrapped themselves around my naked frame.

"Aa...what are you doing?"

I asked anxiously before his head rested on my shoulder.

"Don't be shy."

"I'm not shy. I'm changing. Aren't I?"

"You're blushing."

"You're blushing!" I accused back.

"Don't be so defensive…"

"I am not defensive at all!" The high-pitched tone that came out didn't help my case.

"Jungkook, I won't do anything to you. Pinky promise."

'But...why?' I thought.

"I trust you." I lied.

"Unless you want me to."

"I don't."

"Because you've liked it or because you're afraid Namjoon will rip my head off?"

"…"

'Both.' I thought.

Taehyung took his hands off me as I put on the biggest sweatshirt that I owned since I felt exposed in more ways than one after my skin was clothed only by the air of the room for a short moment.

'Isn't this sweatshirt Namjoon's?'

Sighed and decided I'll start to take my pants off only when V wasn't present from today onwards.

Taehyung went back to his chair and turned the anime back on again. Which made me think that he did stare at my naked back until now.

It was hard to believe that someone would do what he did yesterday and then act as if nothing's happened. No pushing around. Biting. Pulling. Or screaming.

It made me feel like I was the villain out of the two of us when I was watching him laugh at the anime while snacking on jelly worms.

'I can't breathe.'

Found myself unconsciously caressing Namjoon's jacket that I kept in the closet and felt like I was sinking. Somewhere below the floor, somewhere dark.

I slammed the closet door when I realized what I was doing.

Packed all the notebooks and books I could think of and was so close to escaping the room when I heard Taehyung's voice: "Where are you going?"

"Library."

"Cool."

And I was out. Not breathing well but out.

Not high enough but out.

While I was on the toilet, I convinced myself to concentrate on anything besides how I was feeling today.

The dark walls, then the road, the swaying trees, and the chatty students.

I made it to the library before I knew what was happening to me.

Sat down at the desk that was furthest from any other chair or desk. Almost completely concealed by a bookshelf if I sat at a specific angle.

I laid the phone on the desk. Looked at it. At the lack of missed calls. At the possibility of Jay calling, more so than Namjoon.

'We're friends now. Friends don't have to call friends every day.'

I pushed the phone to the edge of the small desk.

'Friends don't panic because their friend didn't tell their friend where they went off to for more than a week. Or how long has it been? It doesn't matter. They assume their friend is healthy. Kicking. That their phone caught on fire and it's nothing personal. Friends like me and Tae.'

I opened a notebook, grabbed a pen, and tapped the page with it thirty times before opening the book too.

And started reading: "Hwang Chin-i (1506- c1567) was a gisaeng (female entertainer) whose professional name was Myeongwal ("bright moon"). She was famous for her beauty and her talent at poetry, literature, music, dance, and calligraphy."

'Me and Tae.'

"Yi Sun-shin (1545-1598) was a naval commander who won victories against the Japanese navy during the war with Japan between 1592 and 1598. "

'Tae and me.'

"Chŏng Mong-ju (1338-1392) was a Confucian scholar who refused to betray his king in the Goryeo Kingdom when Korea was transitioning from the Goryeo Kingdom to the Joseon Dynasty. "

Leaned back on the chair and opened my mouth widely. No one could see me, but I was screaming at the ceiling on mute. And despite the grave silence of the study hall, no human ear could pick up on that.

I did it until I was tired.

Until the muscles hurt.

Leaned forwards and then checked the surroundings.

'No one. Not one damn breathing soul.'

Needless to say, I didn't get any studying done.

But I did what I knew Namjoon wouldn't approve of and yet, I almost literally slapped myself for not thinking of it sooner.

I called Fred.

And he picked up after two mere rings.

"Hi?"

'Did my voice crack?'

"Jungkook! It's been a while since I've heard your sweet, boyish voice."

'Is that a compliment?' I wondered.

He went on, "How is aa…what's your university called again?"

I shut my eyes and said the name that I haven't let myself say out loud for a long time now:

"Namjoon."

"What about him?"

"Do you know where he is?"

"But of course."

The happy tone irked me. As if it also implied: Don't you?

"Can you tell me where exactly?" I tried copying it in hopes it irked him too.

"No. But the kid's safe! He's fine! He's somewhere...around here."

The relief that washed over me had me hitting my head against the desk lightly.

"Didn't he tell you that he had to make a little trip home?"

I let out a guttural, prolonged: "…no."

"That's…unusual."

"What's up with his phone?" I asked, clearly upset.

"I believe he's misplaced it."

"That idiot." I tapped my forehead with the bridge of my palm and yet couldn't stop smiling.

"I'll let him know you called and…"

I shoot up from the chair, yelling: "No! Don't tell him!"

And the 'Shh' that was coming from somewhere behind the big bookshelf that was blocking most of the view of the rest of the place didn't even startle me.

"Did you two fight again?" Fred asked.

While he was 'tsk-ing' into my ear, I sat back down.

He continued: "Because I have to say, whatever it is, it's not worth it. Relationships are a lot of work but…"

I was ready to tell him. About to tell him. But then I shut my mouth just as quickly.

'Maybe he didn't tell Fred for a reason. But why would Fred care if I am no longer his boyfriend? Cause that means that for Fred…then for Fred…Fred…what…is my relationship with Fred exactly?'

"…sincere communication is the foundation of every relationship. Think about it. Doubting every word that comes out of a person's mouth makes one lose their mind! No to mention walk on eggshells and no one likes that. It'll make you feel like you never know whether what one's saying is the truth or just another lie. Blood-related or not, if you can't trust each other then what's left?"

'Namjoon's boss? A dealer I can buy from when I get back home? An older guy who acts all nicely but who everyone has to listen to if they want to stay alive? A dealer just like them…A man who probably does the same things as them! Who wants me to stay besides Namjoon no matter what because I'm making his Monster seem more human? To use me to manipulate him? Manipulate me? Us? No... that's crazy... but if ...if Namjoon would be gone, what exactly... am I to Fred?'

"Tell me Jungkook, what is left?"

"…nothing." I voiced the answer to my mental question with cold sweat forming on my forehead.

"Precisely! Then I'll tell him that you called when he's back from his errand."

"No. Please don't." I pleaded, swallowing the lump that formed in my throat.

"Can you give me a reason why?"

It was quiet on the other line. It was quiet where I was too. But inside me, different voices were fighting with one another. Yelling, kicking, and despairing. None intelligible enough to help me.

"I…want to…surprise him with…something."

"…what?"

I was talking slowly, words coming out as I was following them with whatever came to mind.

"He didn't tell me where he went but he…he…was going somewhere to get me a present for our…our anniversary! But he didn't tell me how long it was going to take. And…I panicked."

I was sweating bullets, yet feeling very, very cold.

"Your anniversary?"

I dragged on the end of the word of every finished statement to give myself time to think of how to build on it.

"Yes. Relationship anniversary! And I thought he didn't go back home… I thought he might've gone…somewhere else entirely! Since… he…he didn't want to tell me. But now that I know what's happened, I feel much, much better. Actually, I'm grateful that you've told me."

"Really? What did you get him for the anniversary?"

I picked on the margin of one page of the book nervously and slowly started tearing it.

"I…well, that's a secret because I don't want you to tell him. That'll spoil the surprise! Wouldn't it?" I chuckled nervously.

"I won't tell him about it. You have my word."

"That's great because I got him…I got him…" I looked around like a madman only to blurt out the most obvious thing "A book."

And noiselessly facepalmed myself.

"Sounds like something he'd enjoy." Fred sounded like he believed me, but then he went on: "What's it called?"

That question had me feeling so faint that I had to shut my eyes as I let myself fall into the chair. Afraid I'll simply faint. And then I almost kissed the page from how close I was to it while I was reading the name that I had just read.

"Chŏng Mong-ju."

"Who?"

"I…got him a book about Chŏng Mong-ju."

"And who's that?"

"A Confucian scholar who refused to betray his king during the Joseon Dynasty. Of course. Didn't you hear about him?" I talked quickly and threw the first question that came to mind, in hopes that would take the heat off me.

"No."

But the silence that followed had me speaking without him having to ask any further questions.

"Well, that's quite peculiar because Namjoon loves him for his acts of…bravery."

"Jungkook."

"Hmm?"

At this point, I was holding the phone against my ear with my shoulder because the forearm wound started itching and after I stopped scratching it, it started stinging.

"I applaud your impressive attempt at lying to me. But I would've complied with your request if you would've told me the truth. However now, I feel like doing the total opposite."

I didn't recognize that tone. It was a voice that didn't seem to be coming from the same Fred I knew. I was suddenly feeling afraid. So, very afraid.

"But I'm not lying! I really got him a book on…"

"Do you know what day it is?"

I didn't but I was relieved when his voice sounded normal again. And blamed it on the phone for whatever made his voice sound so chilling previosly.

"Aa…"

"Do you know when you and Namjoon got together?"

"Yes! It was…a week from today?"

"You're making me incredibly sad Jungkook. The fact that you don't care enough to remember the date of your anniversary is quite saddening. The anniversary that has passed and for further reference, it was two months ago on the eleventh."

"No. That…we've broken up once during the first months, so the actual new anniversary is on…"

"That's not a week from now either. That happened precisely on…"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?!" I screamed a scream so terrified, and yet so angry that it left me both breathless and raspy.

He chuckled. And then straight up laughed.

I couldn't feel my legs anymore, nor see the world around me. That's how concentrated I was on his voice.

"This was quite a refreshing conversation Jungkook. I'll let Namjoon know you called. Do you want me to pass on any other messages to him?"

"Yes!" I slapped the desk and could hear heels drawing near as I did so. "Tell him …tell him that I don't want him to call me back! Tell him that he sucks. That uni sucks! That everything sucks! You suck! THE WHOLE WORLD FUCKING SUCKS!"

I looked up at the mad teacher who was probably thinking I sucked and at the same time heard: "I'll let him know. Is that all?"

"Yes," I whispered, ashamed.

"Happy to hear from you. Feel free to call me whenever you want."

"...I will..."

"Bye, Jungkook."

"Bye."

I hung up. And slipped the old phone into the back pocket of the jeans.

"Young man. Do you know where you are?"

"Hell?" I deadpanned.

"Leave this place immediately unless you wish to be suspended due to unruly behavior."

"Can you?"

"Can I what?"

"Suspend me?"

"Young man! Depart at once!"

"Depart at once." I imitated her, mockingly, grabbing my bag and running away.

And kept running until I was in the small store on campus. Choosing between a lemon beer or a black beer-induced coma.

'Both it is.'

When the newest phone started ringing.

'How? How did Fred get to Namjoon already? Was he in the other room or what?'

And then another idea dawned on me: 'Was I on speaker?!'

Before I got to press the moving picture of a green old phone moving right and left, I checked the caller ID.

'Mom. Mom's calling again. She must be…worried. But not now. I can't bear talking to her today.'

Hence, I dropped it back into the small backpack. Touched the top of the beer can, and shut my eyes. Feeling like the ground was swallowing me up. Although I was still standing, it was as if my soul was melting off my bones and slipping through the lines of the wooden planks.

'I'm sorry mom.'

And picked up four cans of beer and placed them all on the counter next to the cash register. And then thought: 'Who am I kidding?'

"A moment, I'll take two more." I let the employee know.

Which was another mistake in one day since Martin was blocking the rest of the beers, smiling at me.

Singing: "What are you doing Kook?"

"Buying…beer. You?"

"Same."

"And cigarettes." He added.

"For Jay?"

"He said he'll come with me but he got a phone call and told me to go by myself."

"That's not …nice."

"What can you do? He's a man of mystery."

"He's…something."

He looked behind me for a moment.

"Yowzah, did you get all this beer just for yourself?"

Before I got to answer, the cashier seemed to be pondering a similar question, asking:

"Young man?"

"Can you hand me two more beers? I didn't pay yet." I told Martin.

"Here."

"Thanks."

But his voice didn't let me go.

"Jungkook?"

"Yes, Martin?"

"If you ever have anything troubling you. Don't be a stranger. I know you haven't known me for a long time but I'd help you with whatever you need. I just wanted you to know that I'm not a bad guy."

"I never said you were."

"You never said it but I saw you avoiding me when I was alone." His eyes smiled and they were making me feel bad.

"I probably didn't see you."

"Probably."

"And why…" I coughed and the cashier faked a cough as well. "Would I need help? Do you think I'm in some sort of trouble?"

"No real reason." He brought his shoulders up and then exhaled some air as if he was smoking as he brought them down, "But you had this look in your eye lately...don't know man, but count me in for whatever you need."

"I will."

We both smiled.

I couldn't tell if he was feigning it too.

"Young man!"

I didn't want to seem like I was running away. But I was running away. Deciding I'm going to take my chances with Taehyung in our dorm instead of out here with everyone else.

Although, after I mentally prepared myself for more awkwardness, I went in without knocking and the one who acknowledged my existence was not only Taehyung but Jay too.

'What is he doing here?' I thought with dread.

He sat up from the floor, joint in hand, and walked up to me grinning and exclaiming:

"The man I wanted to see."

"Why didn't you call?" The question was a bit too bitter, a bit too irritated but if it bothered him, it didn't show on his face yet.

But the tone was drastically changed from the one before.

"I did but you've been talking to someone else. Haven't you?"

He patted my shoulder. I swallowed. But Taehyung didn't bother to observe this interaction. His attention was squarely on the loud video game.

"My mom's been calling. That must've been…"

The whisper in my ear was over as quickly as it had begun but the shivers remained long after he finished speaking: "You and I, out now. Make sure V doesn't follow."

I nodded and watched him cross his legs after sitting on the floor. I pretended to get my attention stolen by the game too and walked up to Tae, looking at the blood spilling out of virtual characters with a heavy chest, thinking:

'Why is a straight guy willing to get sucked by another guy? And a lunatic, no less. Why? Why me? How did I manage to avoid fucking a dead woman but my punishment was to suck off a living one instead? I'd rather suck off...no. That's just another bad idea.'

I sighed and forced myself to speak. Regretting it instantly.

"Tae?"

"What?"

"Do you mind if I take Jay away?"

"One more round…wait."

"Jay and I, we'll go out for a bit."

"Where?"

"I was planning to …aa...his friend. He has this friend that he wanted to introduce me to for a while. He's planning to transfer here from his uni and stuff."

Jay picked up the lie and ran with it.

"This friend of mine lives a bit far from here so it'll take a while."

'It won't take you that long, you fucking disgusting...'

My thoughts were interrupted by Tae looking up with two innocent eyes, asking:

"Can I come too? I could use some air."

"No."

I responded a bit too quickly, a bit too desperate. And the wide eyes Taehyung was staring at me with were just another guilt-inducing pair of eyes.

"That's because…because…Jay said..." But no lie came to mind.

"The guy doesn't like it if too many people coming to his place all at once. He's what one would label a germophobe. Maybe I can introduce him to you after the transfer is done, and after you take like three showers and stuff. Besides, he wanted to talk to Jungkook specifically to maybe be his drug middleman too."

"Aha."

Taehyung resumed his game. Appearing a bit upset to be left out. Most likely assuming it had something to do with last night.

So, he bit his lips to keep himself from saying anything. And I stared at them while Jay was putting on his jacket.

'Those lips. How did those lips feel so...'

"Kook?"

"What?"

"Ready?"

I didn't take the backpack since there was no need to carry that around to suck him off.

But I didn't expect him to say: "Leave your phone." before we went out the door.

"It's in the backpack."

The old one was, but the new one was burning a mental hole in the back pocket while I followed him out of the campus.

"Where are we going?"

"A walk."

"You're not feeling exhibitionistic today, aren't you?"

"No."

I was glad to hear that I didn't have to give him a blowjob by a bush but the more walked we walked, the more anxious I became.

The more I kept thinking that he got rid of Martin by sending him to get cigarettes and then Tae with another lie. All to get me away from uni.

We stopped only for him to ask for cigarettes.

At first from one woman. Then two ladies that looked like sisters. And a teenage girl.

I pointed at the first store we encountered. To which he shook his head, saying: "No need."

And took out an unsealed cigarette pack from his pocket.

"Then…why did you keep asking for a smoke?"

"Which one did you like more?"

"Huh?"

"The old lady or the younger one?"

"I didn't pay much attention to their looks..."

"Then this one. How about this one? Hey, excuse me?!"

'What's the point of this? Why are we picking up girls on the street? Wha….no. Don't tell me.' I wanted to ask but resigned to assuming by myself like I always did around Jay.

The smiling face of the girl he was sweet-talking to was replaced by a bloody one in my mind. He hurried back to me after I didn't move an inch, and asked:

"Nice pale skin on that one, right? She doesn't smoke though."

He pointed at her back while she was loading the groceries bags into the back seat. When she noticed Jay was still looking at her, she waved, smiling. Jay did the same.

I was feeling nauseous.

"Why does it matter if I like her or not?"

"Like?" He shrugged. "Better if you'd hate her guts. After all, the first kill sticks with you forever. The rest are easy to forget. Even when you try to remember one; after ten or more ...their faces kind of blend in. It's like...a blur."

"My kill?" I didn't have to play the courageous card around Jay as much as I did around the King. He knew I was a coward. But he also believed that I had experiences that made me experience pleasure after murdering animals. A lie that to my dismay, has been keeping me alive and which also had me stuck in the worst play-pretend game.

"Cousin thought it'd be funny to see who you'd pick. But don't bother buttering him up by guessing which one he'd like. He's got a funky taste, that geezer."

He chuckled. So, I chuckled.

But the fact that I forgot to blink or look anything but terrified had Jay squinting his eyes.

"Let's check inside the store. There'll be more variety."

I nodded and followed him. Unable to feel the rest of my body.

I was a floating head. Dizzy and terrified. I thought I should use logic and pick an old, sick woman. But when we passed one by, I just couldn't point at her.

We walked in circles. Jay pretended that he was searching for food. While I was eyeing every single person thinking: 'Run. Run…please…run.'

And when a man noticed that I was staring at his wife, he glared back at me and put an arm around her. I flinched because Jay put an arm around me at the same time.

He turned us towards the pasta sauces with the excuse to show me the ingredients of one in particular. But I couldn't see, nor hold the jar. It was shaking in my trembling fingers.

"You'd rather do a male?"

"What?"

"Considering you're gay and all."

"I...don't know."

He looked over my shoulder and then continued whispering.

"Let's get both. The guys can fuck the woman. And the guy will be all yours..."

I interrupted because I couldn't bear to see the memory of them abusing the corpse hanging from a tree. It was burnt in my retina forever.

He went on, trying to convince me:

"If a girl doesn't get your dick wet at all though that'll be a bit bad, then we can get only a dude. The guys wouldn't be as eager to do him but if you'll cut off his head and genitals then they'll be more eager to…"

"Excuse me?"

I blinked and the items in front of me regained their color.

Jay swooshed us to face him and my eyes met that of a wearing glasses youngster. Probably not a day over 18.

"What's up?" Jay asked him with a warm, misleading smile.

"I brought the wrong glasses."

"Did you?" The slyness of that question was lost on him.

"Can you please tell me if this sauce has garlic in it or not?"

Jay's hand slipped off my shoulder and his back covered my view to the boy entirely by stepping before me.

"It does."

"Really? I'm blind as a bat then. Sorry for bothering you."

"No problem. Tell me if there's anything else you're confused about. I see you got a full cart stuff. You do know you got two types of salad, right?"

He chuckled.

"That'd be so nice of you."

'No. There's not one nice bone in his body.' I thought but kept my lips shut.

They talked and talked. Chuckled and exchanged cooking stories. I didn't know where he got those stories from because I knew for a fact that Jay didn't cook. All he ever ate was prepackaged and the only thing he's ever used was the microwave.

Yet, here he was, making chitchat with a nearly blind 18-year-old that was interested in the culinary world like Jay was interested in cutting people up for fun.

"Have you ever tried adding peanuts to your sauce?" He asked.

"No…I'm allergic."

"Really? Me too."

'He's not.'

"But my mom loves it. She tells me it's worth dying for."

That particular expression coming out of Jay's mouth had me internally shuddering.

Jay bought two candy bars and a soda by the cash register to have an excuse for us to leave at the same time as him. But it made no sense since we were looking at sauces when the guy bumped into us. Something that the guy caught on too while Jay was helping him take his groceries bags back to his car.

"Didn't you guys want to make some pasta too?"

"Damn it, Jungkook, I did it again!"

"What? What did you do?" I asked, genuinely confused. Half startled to death.

"I start talking about something I enjoy and forgot everything else. Damn. And I was craving it too."

"We can go back…"

He stepped on my foot hard. The foot that the little guy, holding onto his car keys couldn't see.

What I heard next made me doubt if there was someone as foolish as this. But it was real. The guy actually said the words:

"If you guys want to come over, we can have some pasta on the porch. Mom loves having people over."

"Na, we couldn't impose like that. Though I think you'd do a better job at cooking it."

They chuckled. I didn't care to ask for details.

"But we'll take a ride back. Walking is a pain."

And an almost blind Calvin accepted.

Ten minutes of useless chitchat later that went through one ear and out the other. And I was in the backseat of Calvin's orange car after Jay made sure the guy knew that they had so much in common that they were pretty much soulmates.

'This is bad. This is bad. This is so bad.' I kept repeating this in my head with every passing minute. Hoping the guy would somehow hear or feel it.

"Do you live far from the forest? „Jay asked.

"The one next to the university? No. I live next to it."

"Next to the university?"

"Both."

'Are you dumb? Why would you tell two utter strangers where you live?!' I scolded him in my mind while Jay's grin got more and more honest.

"That's amazing! I didn't know anyone lived behind uni."

"It's not right next to it. You have to go down this long road…look, that one."

"Never went that way."

"Most people don't."

"Leave us there then. We'll walk the rest."

"But I don't mind driving you guys there."

"I'm just saying it's safer if we get off on a secluded road, and not in the middle of the street."

"You're right. I didn't think about that."

'You don't think at all!' I screamed in my mind while Calvin's car got onto a muddy path that looked like it was used by one car or two at most, ever.

"STOP!"

Jay's hand was extended over Calvin's chest as he hit the brakes. Not nearly as startled as I was.

"You almost hit that little dude."

"Who?"

"The cat. Didn't you see it?"

"I don't see any…"

Calvin's words died in his throat.

And his hands abandoned the stirring wheel. They both went up in the air.

"Turn off the engine," Jay demanded..

I leaned forwards, so, I could see it.

The knife was right under Calvin's neck.

"And step out of the car."

"But…"

"STEP OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR OR I'LL SLICE YOU RIGHT HERE MOTHERFUCKER!"

Calvin stepped out into the unpaved, country-side-looking road.

And Jay started kicking him as soon as his knees touched the ground.

"Jungkook, call Sang-mi and tell him to get the rope ready."

"..."

"What are you waiting for?"

I too got out of the car but all I could see was the blood that dirtied the grass beside Calvin's head.

"Call Sang-mi!"

He handed me his phone and I swiped through the agenda for a bit too long. But when the guy answered, I didn't know what to say and Jay seemed to have expected this since he's kicked Calvin once more before seizing the phone from my hand.

"Incoming chicken. No, not a dove. A darn chicken! What? You think I don't know the difference?!"

Calvin looked up at me and I looked down at him.

Neither dared to breathe.

The only difference between me and him was that I wasn't bleeding.

"If you're not there in a jiff, I'll turn you into a juicy dove Sang-mi!"

And he hung up. Shoved the phone in his jacket and then tilted his head. Towering over me with his height.

"Grab him."

"…. what?"

"GRAB HIM!" He spat in my face.

So, I took a hold of his arms but besides that, all I was doing was looking up at Jay. Similar to how Calvin was.

"Now stuck him in the trunk."

"But it's full of stuff."

That observation had him smiling.

"Dump it out! Are you fucking stupid or what?"

Calvin watched his groceries being thrown next to the road silently. Before he, himself climbed into the trunk without one complaint.

Jay, however, wasn't impressed by the submissive behavior which is why he leaned in and cut right below one eye saying: "If I hear you moving. I'll have to start removing parts of you before we get to the destination. Got it?"

Calvin nodded.

And Jay shut the trunk in his face. And then faced me, saying:

"Take the backseat and pay attention to the trunk. And if you hear anything let me know."

I too nodded.

He started the car with some difficulties.

And I was trying to hear anything besides the usual and yet I couldn't hear anything but my breathing. Getting louder and louder. More and more scattered. Uncontrolled, painful breathing.

"Kook?"

"Yes?"

"Aren't you glad? We got a guy. And he's not an old fart either."

I tried to smile but what came out was mostly a grimace.

"The runt's not turning you on?"

"It's not…that," I told him.

"Then what's with that face, you little shit?!" He hit the seat next to him because he couldn't reach me.

'They'll prepare him like a pig before Christmas and then, they'll see that I won't be able to do or kill him. And then I'll die too.' I thought.

But instead said: "I am concerned."

"About?"

"We didn't tie him up and this is an old car. With no truck sensor. So, he might get out and we won't notice."

"That blind loon?"

"But I am scared he…might."

He sighed and stopped the car.

And to my relief, we have just entered the forest.

"Then go tie him up."

"With what?"

"I don't fucking know! Use your jacket or mine. Here."

He was wearing one blouse and a sweater on top like usual. So, he took off the long sweater and tossed it to me.

"Rip it."

"But what if…" I swallowed. "He fights back?"

One eyebrow raised. And the knife that used to be on the passenger's seat got thrown into the backseat. Right next to me.

"Anything else?"

He sounded pissed.

"No. Thank you."

I got off and when he asked: "Need backup?"

I somehow let out a convincing: "No. I want to do this on my own. After all, he's mine."

For once, something I said made him look somewhat proud, or at least, less irritated.

I opened the trunk and bent over the muffled crying, bleeding boy.

'What do I do…now…What the fuck do I do now?!' I asked myself.

"Can you hear me?" My voice was low. So low, that I was confused if he heard me at all.

Yet he nodded, staring at the knife in my hand.

'Shit... this is the day I'll die.'

"How fast can you run?"

"…. what?"

'I thought it'd be from an overdose of some kind. Or some organ failure. At least, I hoped it'd be.'

"If you run from where the car came from, you'll make it to the main road in five minutes." I let him know.

'It'd be less painful than bleeding out. But I guess I never had much luck, to begin with.' I thought somberly.

"Can you hold him off?" He wiped his tears and I lifted my head to be able to see Jay who was currently tapping on the side of the backrest lazily while staring at his phone.

"I'll try. But no matter what. Don't look back and when you can, call the police."

"...he took my phone."

"Ask the first person you see to call it for you. Alright?"

"I'm scared…"

'Why? I'm the one who'll die.' That is what I wanted to ask but decided it wouldn't help him.

"Trust me, if you don't start running in about five seconds, Jay will come to check what's taking so long. And then he'll drive us deeper into the forest. And when you get there…you'll die. So, get up, wipe your snot and run."

Tears rolled down one after the other and mixed with the blood that coagulated and got smeared on the young, fair cheek.

"At five."

He nodded once, wiped his eyes, and got out into a squat.

We were laying low, on the side of the car and walked by it for as long as possible. Until there was no car left and I was already freaked since the leaves beneath our feet were making too much sound. Which is why I counted faster than I wanted to.

"One, two, three, four…"

The driver's door opened.

"Five."

I watched him run. Hands flying around, legs sprinting with confidence. Or maybe, despair.

I knew I should've used this distraction to stab Jay in the back. But there was little point to that. Firstly, because I was a coward. And secondly, because the gang or his cousin would've found me and killed me two days later even if Jay didn't.

Therefore, I watched Calvin running.

Wishing it was me. Wishing I wasn't afraid of dying. Wishing that the second Jay told me that his dealer was further into the forest, I would've backed out. Wishing that I could go back in time and never go to that party.

But comforting myself with one thought: 'At least I saved one. At least…'

I shut my eyes, waiting for Jay to slice my throat at any moment but both eyes sprinted open at the sound of a gun going off.

Not aimed at me but at Calvin who was still not far enough for the bullet not to reach him.

It hit him square in the back. And he collapsed.

A shaking body was slowly geting redder and redder on the autumn leaves infested soil.

And then Jay walked up to him casually and shut him in the foot. And then in the stomach.

He watched him shake and bleed out until his body stopped moving altogether. And only then turned around to look at me, still squatted by the right side of the car.

He pointed the gun at me and then as if he had a better idea, he smiled and pointed it at the ground.

And yelled so loud that I doubted that anyone that was passing by this place didn't hear him: "GET IN THE FUCKING CAR, YOU LEECH!"

I put both hands up, letting go of the knife. Got up and went inside the car.

When he reached the side of the backseat door, he didn't pick up that knife. Instead, he held the gun aimed at my head through the window while he made another call: "The chicken flew away. Come get it. Close to the road."

"…"

"Kook let him out...Because he's a coward. That's why. So, we're having him tonight…Yes. See you."

I watched as he got into the driver's seat and drove over Calvin's body maybe to make sure that he was truly dead, or maybe just because he felt like it.

"You're not even going to try to talk your way out?"

"…"

Everytime the wheels drove over Calvin's corpse, I felt pain in my bones and stomach. A lump in my throat was making it hard to breathe or think.

"No? Nothing?"

"I'm sorry," I said while I trembled from every joint like it was the middle of winter and I was buried in snow.

The car stopped before it reached the main road.

And while the heavy old threes hovered over Calvin's car, Jay hit me with the gun's magazine in the side of the head which made me fall flat on the other seat.

"I defended your faggot ass to my cousin. Did you know that?! When the guys didn't like you, do you know what I told them?"

"…no." I whispered.

"We'll teach him. He's just shy like I was. Just wait, I have a good feeling about him! He'll pull his weight soon. He'll be screwing with us in no time. He'll help us in more ways than one cause he looks like he can't hurt a fly! The police won't blink twice at him. BUT YOU! YOU HAD TO SCREW ME OVER!"

"I'm sorry."

He used the magazine to hit me in the arm numerous times before he started the engine again and drove into the road, towards the university.

I let one tear wet the couch, not daring to even hold onto the arm that was now hurting.

"Do you know why you're not dead right now?"

"…no."

"Because I'll use you to restore my reputation!" He laughed and it was the laugh of a madman. He kept moving the loaded gun back and forth by his body while he kept letting me know why I was still breathing. "I'll have you wish you weren't born before I'll let the gang get a turn! I will make you wish you've never fucked me over! YOU HEAR ME?"

"…yes."

He made me put the hoodie over my head. He buried one hand in the pocket and kept the sharp edge of the knife against my abdomen while we walked towards the dorms.

Not one classmate stopped to ask why a guy had his hand in the pocket of my sweatshirt.

No sign of Jimin, Taehyung, Malek, Dwayne, or Martin.

No Namjoon either.

We went up the stairs and into his room without anyone batting an eye.

And when the door was shut before my unblinking eyes, I realized that I must be just as dumb as Calvin.

'That was my chance to escape. That was it…and I didn't run. Why didn't I have the guts to…run?'

He walked up to me with anger and sickening excitement written all over his face. I didn't even step back or tried to block the hit that sent me flying to the floor. He kicked me in the stomach until I was heaving. Flipped me over, holding me above the ground by the collar as a fist landed straight in my left eye.

It wasn't long until I was wishing that I couldn't see out of the right one either.