Deal

It was kind of a blur.

The back of his head and the bed he's sleeping on.

This messy dorm room.

The vodka bottle. I can hardly see it. But I keep sipping it cause if I'd stop, I feel like it'll all wash over me like a poisoned shower.

Wish I could go running.

Wish I could get away from Namjoon.

And at the same time, for a few hours now, I kept wishing I'd stay as close to him as possible cause I'm scared I'd get killed the second I'll step out of this room.

A peculiar feeling created this horrible hunch that kept repeating in my ears: 'This is the day we might both die.'

That: 'He'll die because of me. Just like the guy with the glasses had died. What was his name again? I already forgot…' I thought about it, but all I could see was him getting shot by Jay in that clearing, over and over again.

There was a part of me that wanted to believe that against all odds, we might not die.

But my sips of Namjoon's vodka have been plenty. The room seemed brighter despite the drawn long curtains, and although I was not moving a muscle, my mind has been running in circles for such a long time now that I almost managed to convince myself that tomorrow will not come at all. That was until I heard a sleepy Namjoon mumbling: "What are you doing?"

I allowed clear lines of vodka to pour out of my mouth the way I'd seen in cartoons, but only because I was feeling like a thief that got caught stealing.

But when I cracked my head to the right, Namjoon smiled at me and then got out of bed half stretching, half walking.

I only bothered to wipe the liquid off my chin and not the drips that landed on the borrowed pants or Jimin's desk chair.

Namjoon was patting the pants and my mouth with a rag like a parent would do for a baby two minutes later.

"Where did you find that?" He asked while wiping the chair.

"By Jimin's bed…" I tried to lie to see if he'd believe me.

"That's mine, isn't it?"

I shrugged. Disappointed with myself or with how fast Namjoon saw through me.

When his hands were still too close to my crotch and our eyes met, I heard it. The thought that was now more important than death in the white and black, static-like mind: 'I kissed Taehyung. Not only that… Taehyung has touched me and then…'

"What are you contemplating so hard?"

"… Nothing…" I shrugged my shoulders and was relieved when he threw the rag on the desk.

"Look," He breathed out with one hand on each shoulder as I fixated my gaze behind him, "I know you're worried about today. But you shouldn't be. Have some faith in me. Will you?"

"Ok,"

'I have to since I've been awake for hours and I got no clue on how to trap you in this room.' I thought.

"Ok?"

'I'd rather pretend the past few days were nothing but a bad dream. But you want to go out and use your murdering skills for good... How... noble of you.' I kept thinking.

"Ok, I repeated.

"Ok." He stated again, more so for himself; looking at me with disbelief, suddenly wondering: "Does your eye hurt? And the cuts… and…."

Namjoon analyzed me up and down as if he could see through the clothes and the fact that I was leaning against the chair was helping since he helped me stand straighter.

"Not so much since I've started drinking."

"And when was that?"

"… what time is it?"

He checked his phone and answered with one raised eyebrow:

"Ten AM."

"Eh, earlier than that."

His head hung in the space between us before he looked up. A bit too close for comfort. A bit unfriend-like. A bit too close to my face than he's been since we've broken up.

And my eye decided to start hurting right then.

"I need to go get your medicine and I need you to not throw up while I do that."

"I need to go to the bathroom…"

"You already feel like throwing up?" He asked, sounding more exasperated, instead of surprised.

"No... I just need to go to the bathroom." I softly let him know.

"Then let's go."

He headed for the door immediately. But I could recall us inside his bathroom and that got me paralyzed in place before I attempted to take a step toward the hallway.

'I'm so dizzy. Shit. But I guess it's better than being able to think. Cause if I could think… see… no... Can't think about… him… them… dead… us… dead… everyone… Jay… Taehyung... The bat. The damn bat.'

It felt like he pulled me from underwater when he asked: "Do you want to hold onto me?"

"No. I am fine." I replied, ready to go under the water again. But it was not convincing enough since he grabbed the arm that I wasn't currently using to support myself with by the desk and forced it under his arm. I pulled my arm back as if he was contagious.

"No one will care Jungkook. Just hold onto…"

"I said I am fine!"

'Why did I yell?' I questioned myself.

He didn't look hurt by the raised volume.

He didn't look perturbed in the least.

And that was it.

I couldn't read Namjoon ever since we stopped talking about anything but unimportant stuff.

Didn't know what he was thinking. Not precisely.

Couldn't tell if he's moved on or if it's all been a play-pretend like Jay's acting before everyone else but his cousin, gang, and I.

Couldn't tell anything because if he didn't tell me, I had trouble reading people's faces unless they were angry lately. And Namjoon's emotions were not a roller coaster, like mine, but more like a storm that started and stopped when one wasn't observing the clouds.

The only face I had to be concerned about has been Jay's and now that that face was not there to watch me from the corner like a ghost, there was only Namjoon's.

And I couldn't make sense of it.

He stepped back but kept looking at me like before.

Waiting for me to walk out because I claimed I could.

I regretted not taking him up on the offer after the third step and I was thankful that the door had a frame when I got to lean against it like I'd reached some kind of floating device in the middle of the ocean.

And then I kept holding myself up using the dirty walls while he was locking the door.

He did the same thing he's done on the second day of Christmas which was that he was walking when I was walking. Not one step behind, not one step forward.

But that day, there was only the little girl who was staring at me weirdly.

Today, there was more than one student in the hallway.

Giggling about me or something else. I couldn't tell.

Judging by the bandages on my eye and maybe those on my legs. Whether they could or couldn't see them was irrelevant because I could.

In my mind's eye, I was naked.

And they were talking about the guy who died because of me. Maybe, about both of them.

I was nearly certain, but the louder words that made it to the ears didn't match my suspicions.

Continued walking down the buzzing hallway at a snail's pace. Punching my way to the bathroom onto the wall with one weak fist.

The opposite wall seemed closer than ever before. Their eyes seemed bigger too.

Like they all knew.

I kept telling myself they couldn't possibly know that I am useless.

That they'd be running for the hills if they knew that the guy behind me is a murderer.

That I have no future and that this unsteady breathing was not due to any lung injury.

Or that my only wish in life was to use some kind of drug that'll make me forget everything.

That the man beside me might die later today because of my shortcomings.

That I didn't deserve to live.

That I felt like I was already dying.

No. They couldn't possibly know I was hollow inside.

But I did.

And it felt like they did too.

Not consciously, but instinctively like the King must've known that I'd been lying to him from the first questions I answered, but he allowed me to keep breathing so he could use me. Like I was using him.

After all, that's what relationships are all about.

"Why'd you close your eyes?"

Namjoon was holding the door to the bathroom open. Watching me without judgment. Without confusion. Waiting to do what I said I'd do.

'I have him? Why do I still have him? Why is he still here? Why is he helping me? Why won't he kill me? When he can get rid of my body with one phone call.'

When he was mere centimeters away, he asked:

"Want to go back?"

"No."

I stepped on the tiles with unsure steps. And I could tell that I was not walking a straight line as I was walking it but I made it in nonetheless. All of that wall-wiping with my hands just to come face to face with three taller guys that cleared the way after looking behind me.

'We're not together anymore… I'm not giving him anything, so why is he…' I pondered while the rest of the students parted like the red sea.

'Can they smell the blood that was once on his hands? Is that it?'

Namjoon was now holding the door to a stall open as well.

I got in and didn't move. But desperately leaned against the teal wooden stall breathing sporadically. Exhausted beyond belief.

Glanced down at the toilet bowl and told my mind to pick one while it could: get grossed out and throw up all the alcohol or pay attention to the water of other toilets getting flushed and pee.

But both urges were not strong enough.

What my mind wanted to do was lay down on the floor because every cut stung. Every joint hurt. Every muscle protested.

When I was ready to slide down, Namjoon got in the same stall after either five or ten minutes of me not getting out.

And asked the same question he's asked when he opened his eyes minutes ago, but with a different inflection to his voice.

"What are you doing?"

He didn't wait for me to finish, instead, he helped me stand without the help of the stall's wall by holding me up by the armpits. Then he lightly pushed me towards the toilet. I took the steps, but it was like I was floating on a burning cloud.

'The sooner I finish, the sooner I can go back into bed.'

I kept telling myself that. Yet my cheeks were burning from embarrassment as Namjoon held me before the toilet with nothing but good intentions. Maybe. Maybe not.

I couldn't tell.

He let go and after a minute too many. I saw him turning around in the tile's reflection, but that didn't help me relax much.

"Namjoon…" It came off like I was irritated, but I was mainly ashamed.

"… do you want me to help you with…?"

"No. I can do it."

He closed whatever distance he has created when I started breathing heavily again. Feeling sweat gathering on my forehead. Breath stinking of vodka and the one shut-eye, was causing my whole head to spin.

Namjoon whispered in the right ear and it almost made me bite my tongue: "There's no part of you that I haven't seen."

I cut him off with confidence I couldn't truly back up: "I'm better now. I can stand. Thanks."

"Jungkook. I only want to help you... it's been a while since that injection and..."

"I can't pee if you're watching. Alright?" I snapped quietly but aggressively.

And reached towards the zipper when I heard him say:

"I'll close my eyes."

"Namjoon…" The edge of my tone was not lost on him and his shadow nodded for a moment before he stepped back.

"You're still… ha… watching…"

It took all of my remaining willpower not to lean against the stall's wall while I unzipped and scolded myself for drinking in the first place.

'I want him to leave. ' I thought.

"Namjoon. Really? Can't you see that I'm fine?"

"Do you know how long we've been inside this bathroom?"

"A few… minutes…"

I huffed and puffed. Feeling heavier. Feeling the alcohol clouding my judgment to the point that the lightbulb hanging behind Namjoon's head went on and off. And since he didn't react to that. I assumed that was happening solely for me. So, I didn't mention it.

And I thought I've made the right call until I fell forwards.

He caught me by the collar before I would've smashed my head either against the toilet or the wall it was attached to.

The material dug into my neck for a moment before Namjoon's hands slipped under my armpits as he straightened me and whispered once more:

"Did the doctor say you could drink?"

"No…"

"I know that I don't get a say about what you do with your life anymore. But even if we are only friends, I still think drinking while I was asleep was not a brilliant idea. And I'm trying really hard not to yell at you right now so would you just close your eyes and let me help you so we can get out of here in less than one hour?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. Shut my eyes so I wouldn't see his face on the tiles. But also, because the lights were too bright and I have started trembling when my behind was flat against his front.

Shaking when he held me close by the waist with one arm and pulled the zipper all the way down with the other.

Talking so close into my ear that it was all I could hear: "I'm not going to do anything to you Jungkook."

"I know…"

"Then why are you afraid?"

"I'm not."

"You're suddenly cold then?"

He pulled down my boxers and took my penis out in his hand. I could feel the familiar fingers better than the soles of my feet. As good as I could feel his breathing hitting my ear and neck.

'I cheated on you. I think…' I confessed in my mind.

"Try and pee? Please?"

'I've cheated on a murderer. I guess Jay was right. I am as dumb as they come...'

I looked down at my cock hanging from his long fingers. I looked at it and felt myself getting hard against my will. Felt myself react despite all the pain that my whole body was in and the alcohol-induced migraine.

'Pee. Just pee. God damn it. Don't think about it.' I told myself.

I pushed. And pushed. But nothing came out.

"I'm not looking Jungkook. My eyes are closed." He assured me. But I didn't want to check if he was telling the truth.

'Stop talking in such a low voice, you prick! It's not helping… it's not… going down... Please tell me he can't notice that…'

"Are you getting hard because I'm… holding it?"

When that question reached my ears despite the loud multiple ongoing conversations from inside the communal bathroom, I felt like I was about to cry.

'Aa...Is this rock bottom? This? I thought I've hit it before. But this is a new low.' That was what I thought when he shifted his weight from one leg to the other behind me.

"Jungkook. Try… ok… use your hand."

His hand was now holding my hand. And I now had to hold it.

But I couldn't look down cause even if he did not directly touch it, I know I'd get harder.

Cold sweat was coating my forehead and back, but I did manage to coherently let out the word:

"... sorry…"

"It's from the vodka. You always get… hard when you're drunk."

"I do?"

"Yeah. Before, when I spanked you on Christmas. It's…"

"Right... that time I was also..."

"Will you just pee already?"

I pushed again and all I managed was to make my stomach hurt.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

His tone was almost caring. It was so calm it was making me feel worse about myself. And since his front was against my back, I could tell he was not hard because of this marvelous awkward situation. He purely wanted us to get this over with.

'Another layer of rock under the bottom, great. It's like a fucking onion. I swear to God… I wish he'd just get a knife and…'

"How about this? I'll turn around and you lean against my back? That way you don't feel like you're being watched or touched… or anything. Sounds good?"

"Sure," I murmured.

"Try not to lean forwards. I'm turning in one, two…"

I sighed with frustration.

And there were only a few seconds before all my strength would be gone, and I knew it so I pushed. And pushed. But when I opened my eyes and saw his back reflected in the bathroom tiles, something started hurting. And tears came out so I cried on mute and the relief or the pushing allowed me to pee.

It was only after the most embarrassing sound of my life was done that Namjoon turned, helped me wipe, flushed the toilet, and zipped me up.

"Feeling better? … Jungkook?"

'The doctor told me not to cry either… didn't he? ' That is what I wanted to ask but didn't.

I let him help me out. Let him pretty much hold me up and keep me going. It was the second-best thing from actually carrying me in his arms back to the room.

Thankfully, since the alcohol mixed with the strong medication was doing a number on me, I used it as an excuse and covered my eyes with one hand the entire way back.

I refused to sink any lower. But after Namjoon kissed my cheek, telling me that he'll be back with medicine in a heartbeat since Roxy is driving him to the nearest pharmacy and that there was nothing to be embarrassed about, I was ready to shout until I'd lose my voice.

But the eye hurt too much. The more tears escaped through whatever concoction the doctor had applied yesterday on top of it and the wetter the bandage was getting, the more chances were that Namjoon would notice that I'd cried.

'Why am I still here?'

I didn't get off the bed. I pretty much let myself fall off it and crawled towards Namjoon's desk, where the spare bandages were. Next to the gauze, there was some sort of spray, cream, and scissors. And I stared at the box through one good eye, and the box multiplied into two and then three.

'Who am I kidding? I can't change them. I'll fuck it up. I can't even…'

The scissors caught my eye and for a second I considered that if I were to stab myself straight between the eyes then I might be save Namjoon's life. Murderer or not, it was a life. As good as any. But the knocking on the door interrupted that wonderful train of thought.

"Namjoon?!" The voice yelled.

"He's not here…" It was a raspy answer. A quick answer that someone on the other side of the door couldn't possibly have heard.

"Come on! Open the door."

I wanted to scream at Jimin, but I didn't have the energy to do so. Hence, I simply crawled back to his desk, grabbed the bottle, and downed as much as I could before I couldn't hold myself up so I laid on the floor.

However, I kept hearing Jimin talking to an imaginary Namjoon until he decided it was time that he started talking to me after Namjoon specifically told him that if it can be helped, no one should know that he or I were back on campus.

But my name being spoken out of this room panicked me.

"Are you there? Jungkook?..."

But all that got me to do was outstretch both arms to the side and mentally welcome the death that was coming from, naturally, one of King's guys that must've been close enough to hear him.

'Jimin's so annoying...' I thought, but after a long time of utter silence on his part, the next overjoyed question made me close my eyes quickly and keep them like that.

"You weren't inside, huh?"

"What are you doing here?!" Namjoon bit back.

"In front of my room? Man, you look sweaty. Did you go jogging or is someone following you?"

"Hold this bag and shut up."

The door opened and the shadow of one of the two roommates was overshadowed by whatever sunlight had previously landed on my face.

"Did you fall again? Or did you faint? Hey…"

"Why is Jungkook on the floor?" Jimin asked innocently.

"Lock the door. Hey…"

Namjoon kept slapping me lightly and since I was afraid I might burst into tears, I couldn't answer. Decided to keep steeping inside something that felt worse than shame, something darker, deeper than any ocean, something murkier, something that Namjoon shouldn't be touching.

'A murderer's hands… this is a murderer's hand…'

The sound of a girl's voice was confusing enough that it made me open my eyes immediately to check where it was coming from. So fast that they all noticed I was awake.

Or perhaps they were already waiting on me to wake up.

"Well. He's alive, all right." Roxy blurted out mostly out of relief when our eyes met.

"…"

"Do you want some water?"

The right side of my head was against Namjoon's pillow, and a tad to the left, sitting on the floor, leaning against the edge of the bed, there was Namjoon who had turned around to face me.

I nodded.

"I got you those pills… though you didn't take them first thing in the morning like you should've. But it's good that you got some sleep."

"He should eat first." Jimin got off his bed and started searching through the plastic bag that was on the desk where Roxy was sitting.

"Do you know anyone who has a microwave, Bambi?"

"Do you want me to go, Jungkook?" Roxy asked me and that's when I and the rest realized that I'd been staring at her. Not controlling my expression whatsoever.

I shook my head.

"Why would he want you to leave?" The casualty of Jimin's tone.

The way I couldn't stop staring at Roxy as if she was a ghost. And the lack of sunlight.

'She… her being here means… that she also… I want her to leave… I want all of them to…'

"Hey."

'I'm getting sick of you saying 'hey' Namjoon…' I thought.

He blocked the view with his face and then turned my face towards him with two careful fingers.

Tenderly.

It made me feel self-conscious and vulnerable.

His face was so close. His smile was so small.

'I think they must've injected me while I was asleep since my body doesn't hurt too much. But even so, I can't do it...No. I won't.' I admitted to myself.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

I was focusing anywhere else but on his worried expression.

Anywhere else but that loving gaze.

'What's wrong with you? What's wrong with all of you? Does Jimin know what we've done? What we're about to do?' That is what I wanted to ask, but my mouth was too dry and the room was too warm for how cold I was feeling.

"You can tell me." He went on.

"We can leave if you want to talk only to Namjoon…" Jimin offered.

I didn't blink. But did send Namjoon a glance, thinking:

'You've been killing people for such a long time that getting together before another spree it's normal?! Hanging out like someone's life is not going to end in a few hours… all of it… is this normal for you, Namjoon?'

His hand left my right cheek. Like he could read my mind.

"I think we'll get going… Call me when you'll need me Namjoon. I'll be around."

Namjoon didn't stop Roxy or Jimin. Not even after Jimin's left the soup on the desk behind Namjoon.

The door clicked.

And I continued to leer at Namjoon.

"Jungkook? Stop staring at me like that… it's creeping me out."

'The sun's down and you're so calm about this? The guy who cried at the thought of not being able to pay for his house. Like who are you? And have I always been this blind? What else haven't you told me? What didn't I tell you? What did you realize about me without me having to tell you? Do you already know what I did with Tae and you're just patiently waiting to get back at me when enough time passes before I confess? Or what? WHAT?'

"Jungkook. Talk or blink. Anything."

'You don't kill for fun, but aren't you a killer anyway? So, didn't you kill your ex when she was too much? Or do you spend your time analyzing people all day long, so you can manipulate them into either doing what you want so they follow you into a false sense of security, like a trap… or like... Are you better at it than Jay's gang? Is that why you're so comfortable?'

His hand covered mine and shook it on the mattress. Saying:

"Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."

"How?" The ashy word came out through my dry throat.

"How what?"

"How are you going to kill them?"

"… We don't have to talk about it right now." His high-spirited tone and the nervous smile persisted as he went on, "Have some water, eat a little, take your pill…"

"How?" I insisted.

He lifted the hand off mine and caressed the hair instead. Purposefully avoiding my gaze for the first time.

"I'll kill them." He replied softly.

"How?" I dragged on the word with frustration.

"You will have to lead us to them. And I need you to be able to walk like nothing's wrong. Cause if you won't do that then they'll be able to tell something's up. And if we don't make it there on time, they might come here to check on Jay. And that'd be… bad. "

"How bad?"

"Witnesses… police… a bleak future..."

He kept caressing it. And I kept staring straight into the eyes that were focused on my hair.

"Give me the food and the pills." I deadpanned.

"If you can't or don't want to do it, you can just describe the way in the most detailed way you can think of, and…"

"I can walk after I take those pills. I'll do it."

Our eyes met again.

"Do you hate me now because I've killed him or because I'm about to kill others?Or..."

I cut him off.

"… no."

"Then are you afraid of me?"

'Damn him. Did he ever give me a believable reason that'd explain this? ' I pondered.

"I'm not." I distantly answered.

"You're shaking..."

'I don't understand him. I don't understand why he'd...' I shut my eyes and ordered my mind to get silent.

"I'm cold." I lied.

"Jungkook, are you afr.."

'Guess there's only one way out and Fred gave it to me long ago.' I concluded.

"I don't know!" I snapped.

"That's understandable. But you have to trust that I'd never hurt you like that. It's just that the guy wanted to kill you and those guys might want to…"

"I've kissed Taehyung."

The hand fell from my head to the mattress slowly.

"I know." He whispered

"How do you know?!" I screamed.

"I… just know."

"Did he tell you while I was asleep or what?"

"That's ancient history. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Did you know that he has also touched me and stuff?"

"When?"

"Aa... After we've kissed." The matter-of-fact tone I was using had him frowning.

"… Wait. You're telling me that you've almost fucked him before you told me you had kissed a guy for weed, but you only choose to tell me half of it when I gave you a choice between the name and the act?"

"No. What? We've only kissed then. I'm talking about… Hold on! Did you know about that? How?"

I prompted myself up on the bed.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, looking up from the floor after he seemed to have sunk lower somehow.

"… Look. I'm talking about like… what day it is?"

"There have been two different occasions? Is that what you're hinting at?"

"Yes."

"And you've slept with him the second time." He assumed quite confidently. Nodding to himself with a hurt smirk.

"I didn't sleep with him," I argued.

We looked at each other and despite the clenched jaw, he wasn't yelling like I was expecting him to. Namjoon just inquired:

"Well… do you want to?"

I was taken aback by that question. And I pondered on it for a second since he seemed to be interested to hear the most not well-thought-out answer which came out as:

"I… don't know. I don't think so?"

He rubbed his temples.

"Why are you telling me this now?"

He shut his eyes, jaw clenched, fingers curling.

"I don't think we should get back together," I told him.

"Aaa… did I ask?" There was anger, but not yelling, which somehow was scarier since it was foreign, "Or is it because I've touched your head?"

"In the bathroom, I don't know why I almost got hard, but I think it's because you've trained me to. Every time you touch me…. It's against my control. Pretty much." I shrugged my shoulders.

Namjoon let his forearm drop on the mattress and asked, mouth aghast, as if what he was hearing was that incredulous:

"I've trained you?"

"You didn't?"

He reached forwards and covered my mouth. Shut his eyes again only to open them back up with what I wanted to see: Anger.

Although he spoke slowly and firmly:

"Let's get this straight. We've been broken up. That means that whatever you or I did during that time is fair game. No one's cheated because we were not in a relationship."

I nodded. But the more he spoke, the more I felt like smiling because I couldn't believe him. For the first time since I met him, I suspected that Namjoon was bluffing.

He continued, less calmly:

"And if V, even though he said he wouldn't… if that motherfucker… anyway… I didn't train you. Ok? Cause if I would have then we wouldn't have been in this situation now, would we? You had free will from the start. And if that's how I made you feel by mistake, then I'm sorry. But I didn't consciously mean to train you like a dog. And if you don't want to be back together then… Fine. But tell me why the fuck are you suddenly telling me this?"

The question was for me, yet the bridge of his hand was still glued to my lips. I spoke despite it.

"What?"

He took it off and stared as if through a newfound headache. Eyes squinting and dark clouds forming.

"Don't risk your life for me. I am not worth it."

He smiled widely. I kept speaking:

"I mean it. This is stupid. Just let them kill me. I deserve it. I've messed up! You've done nothing wrong. Well, you're not innocent in the true sense of the word, but that doesn't change the fact that you've killed Jay because of me. And if I tell them that I was the one who killed Jay then no one will come after you either. Problem solved."

I clapped my hands once only to land forwards on them. Right in front of Namjoon who covered his own eyes, lightly chuckling to himself.

"I'm serious." I emphasized, "Like there's nothing I can give you back even if you do kill them and where are those pills? I'm starting to feel the pain now…"

I advanced with one hand towards the edge of the bed, but he caught that hand and squeezed.

And just like that, I made the sound that had somehow gotten ingrained in me like a bad habit. The sound I've been making ever since he's ever done something that psychically hurt. It wasn't remotely conscious and it came out of me naturally. Like the fact that a bottle filled with water will overflow if you squeeze too hard.

"Aww… Namjoon..." So, did these words spill out of my mouth.

"I'll just pretend the past ten minutes didn't happen."

His words were coated with amusement. But the hand that kept holding my wrist. And the hand that was covering his eyes didn't follow the lightness of his tone.

The corners of Namjoon's lips were still stretched upwards.

"Why? I'm telling you that you're free now. Go do whatever. You don't have to worry… I'll just…"

"Jungkook. If you keep talking like this, I might have to tie you up, so I don't hurt you…"

There was a genuine fear that swam up and raised its ugly head only to swallow me whole like a bigger fish would inevitably eat a smaller one.

The smile he had on and the eyes that I couldn't see were more unsettling than a second ago.

The silence that followed made my legs shake.

The wrist that he didn't let go of was hurting the most.

I had to get away and since I was aware that my body didn't stand any chance, I tried to use logic instead.

"Namjoon, I appreciate that you've saved me once and that you're still trying to save me... I am grateful, but you don't have to. I have nothing to give you after you do. I am nothing. I am…. I am sorry, but if you forget me then I am sure you'll find someone…"

The hand that was covering his eyes was now covering my mouth. I didn't get to lean back or react. But I was able to look down at the saddest eyes, I've ever seen on Namjoon. And the smile that was still there made me split down the middle. Like he's sliced me and I didn't know how to reattach myself. Just like his face was also split in two.

'Why does it hurt so much? Why do I still care? Have I lost my mind? He's just another...'

"How can you say that?"

'Say what?' I thought.

"You think the only reason I'd help you is so I'll get to use you? Is that what you're telling me now? That I should let you die because you won't be in a relationship with me anymore even if you'll keep living?" The more he talked, the more tears started gathering at the edges of his eyes.

'Yes?' I thought but couldn't say it, though I wanted to. His hand wouldn't allow any lower part of my face to move an inch.

"Then I am sorry Jungkook but I will still kill every single one of those assholes because I care about you. Because I fucking love you and if you don't love me and only want to use me then that's fine. If that's what love is for you. Fine! But don't project your fucked up way of loving on me because we're not the same. We are not the same, do you understand?" Little rivers were running down his face and I couldn't pinpoint when but the sides of his lips were now facing downwards, in a painful grimace.

'But I believed… that's not… I thought you were… you didn't have anything to give me either… I just… I don't…. Know… what I meant…' I thought.

"Just. Don't speak. Don't look at me. Eat and take your fucking pills. Don't try to lie your way out of it. Don't fucking use any addict tactics on me anymore. You've won. Fine? You won! You got rid of the dealer you don't need anymore. So be happy. Watch me save you or whatever and do whatever you want after. Just don't fucking die while I am around to watch if you ever gave one shit about me whatsoever."

He got up and headed towards the door.

"Namjoon…" I called out.

He turned around as burned. Eyes red and wet. But gaze more angry than sad now.

"No. Don't say my name. You don't get to say my name anymore. Don't fucking say anything."

He walked out and slammed the door after himself.

All I could do was stare at the closed door.

"Namjoon, I… don't think I know what love is so I can't possibly… recognize it. I only know that it hurts now."

It's what I told the silence.

"It truly hurts… more than my eye… in my chest… it really…"

I continued to talk as if he was there as the walls seemed to grow darker, and despite all the pain, no tears were coming out.

It just hurt. And kept hurting as if I was getting stabbed in the chest repeatedly.

"That was love? That's the way you love someone? That's the way I… well… I did… didn't I? Did I? " I tilted my head, questioning everything. "But I don't want to be out of your life if I'm still alive tomorrow… so is that… love?"

…

"The therapist or whatever the heck she is claiming that love's about being intimate, about seeing, feeling… what else did she say? About... Ha-ha… best intentions… no… having someone's something. Someone's best interest and not your own! Yes. Was that it? Best interest… that's what I was doing!"

…

"Wasn't I? Cause it can't be in your best interest to die for someone like me?"

...

"It can't possibly be… To be with someone like me, to keep giving without receiving anything in return. Or to keep taking all I have which is this body that now is so… ugly and…"

...

"No… best intentions… you said it was like an... Addict tactic… what did you mean by that?"

…

"WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN?!"

…

Eye for eye, Jay said. And kept saying. And for a reason, my subconscious made that memory bubble up to the surface.

"Exchange? Is that an addict tactic? BUT EVEN IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR LOVE AND IF I GIVE YOU MY LOVE, IT'S STILL AN EXCHANGE!!!!!!!!!"

I picked up his pillow and threw it. But it was not enough. Sp, I picked up whatever my hands could reach from his desk, and threw it at the door too.

"IF I DON'T ACT NICE THEN NO ONE ACTS NICE EITHER, IT'S ALL A FUCKING EXCHANGE! IT'S ALL AN EYE FOR AN EYE… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

I reached for what I could grab which were the pills, notebooks, and a mug. The pill opened and the pills spilled out, papers flew out and the mug's shards scattered around like ants.

"YOU'RE AN ADDICT TOO! JUST BECAUSE YOURS DOESN'T MATTER UNLESS I SHOW A POLICEMAN THE MARKS ON MY BODY! WHAT KIND OF SHITTY LOVE ARE YOU FUCKING PREACHING TO ME, YOU MURDERER! WHAT THE FUCK! JUST STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES AND KILL ME, ALREADY! JUST KILL ME! FUCK!"

When Jimin walked in, I was throwing the stuff out of their closet onto the floor. Every single drawer was out and the bedsheets were halfway pulled out.

Legs bleeding, eye burning, tears flowing, I couldn't stop even if I would've halted and thought about it.

I even managed to get the curtains ripped and the trash all over the room.

"… Jungkook?" He whispered.

"WHAT?!"

I turned to look at him with my one good eye.

"… What happened here…? Are you…"

"WHERE'S NAMJOON?!"

"… Namjoon?"

"WHY IS HE NOT BACK ALREADY?! IT'S ALREADY NIGHT!"

"… why are you yelling…"

"GET OUT!" I was throwing either Namjoon's or his clothes at this point. Jimin simply backed away, holding two hands up to defend himself.

"YOU FUCKING BLACKMAILED ME! WHY ARE YOU ACTING ALL INNOCENT NOW?! OR WAS IT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE DONE IT SO IT'S FINE?! YOU LIED TOO! WHY IS HE NOT ON YOUR CASE, HA?! YOU SAID YOU WERE SOBER! SOBER MY ASS!"

"Jungkook, please stop… I'm sorry… I'm…"

"GET NAMJOON! NOW!!!"

He ran away but got intercepted by some students because of the noise. I could hear them complaining. And suddenly felt dizzy as the insides of my neck started hurting. And after having screamed my guts out, I seemed to be running out of breath and felt so tired that I laid down on his clothes and closed my eyes because the pain was winning. It was slowly making the room spin, my body spun although I was standing still.

However, all I could think about was the first time I ever saw Namjoon and how he was taller than everyone else even as a child. How I couldn't for the life of me remember one single time he'd smiled. But could distinctively remember him looking at me from afar.

I fell asleep with the memory of his childhood self in the corner of the class. He was sitting in the last row, by the open window and the wind blew his hair but Namjoon didn't blink once.

The sun was so bright and warm that everything around him seemed to be on fire.

He was the only one sitting down. I couldn't recall why.

And then Roxy woke me up.

"Sorry, but it's time to go."

"Where's Namjoon?" I asked without thinking.

"There."

She pointed at Jimin's bed and sure enough, he was right there. Two dark eyes looked down at me while I was surrounded by clothes, miscellaneous things, and trash.

The darkness of the room fit him like a glove now.

'I had so much to tell you Namjoon, but the way you're looking at me… I don't think you'll listen to a word I'm saying.'

Roxy helped me up. And that's when it dawned on me that Jimin wasn't here.

"Did you take your pills?"

I let her find them and give them to me. I was too busy staring at Namjoon face which was overshadowed by the black hood.

"I am sorry for what I said," I told him.

He just nodded and pointed at the door.

She looked at us and then talked as if she was repeating what Namjoon has told her to say: "What you have to do is follow the exact path you know. Your phone is charged. It will be in this jacket so put it on. The other is not necessary unless... I forgot to ask, do they usually take your phone away?"

"Only after I'd arrived."

"Those guys are not very smart, are they?" She observed, chucking.

But Namjoon and I didn't even crack a smile.

We were too busy staring at each other silently.

Roxy cleared her throat in hopes to get my attention.

"Alright. Then button this up and let's… go there. We'll follow. You won't see us. And don't look for us or that might cause them to be suspicious. Ok?"

I nodded to her. And said to him: "I didn't mean it the way you took it. I think everything is an exchange. That is true. Still, the way I see it, even love exchanged for love is still an exchange. And I've been feeling numb lately. Empty. I don't know how else to explain it. But that's what I meant by not having anything…"

'Did I say that? Or did I think it? I don't remember. Either way, I'm lying. Or am I not? Damn. Why can't I make up my mind about anything lately? And why is he smiling? Why is the murderer fucking smiling at me?'

"Namjoon…"

Roxy said his name and he responded with a curt: "Let's go."

She gave me a lot of pain pills before we departed. Arms locked before we made it out of the building, but while I was watching Namjoon's back thinking we'll both die after this, I couldn't stop talking although Roxy could hear it as well.

"I'm not pulling any addict tactic on you. And you're not a dealer anymore. We… I've been friends with you for months and I wasn't gaining anything but your friendship. That is an exchange in itself. But I was fine with it. I… liked being your friend."

'… Now that I think about it, that's kind of… true…' I admitted in my head.

When Namjoon didn't respond and the crickets were the only ones making sounds, Roxy started going down her to-do list again: "How far into the forest is it, exactly? And are you sure you can walk all the…"

"I don't you to die because of me. Alright? That's why I said all that. I'm sorry if I think that two against six is not going to end well. But I'd like you to understand that I've seen what you can do, but I've also seen them and…"

'Why did I tell him that I don't want him to die? Am I trying to make sure that he won't kill me after we get back? If we ever get back... But what's the point? He never does what I ask him anyw...'

"Are you done?" Namjoon asked, so calm and yet so cold that it made my whole being revolt.

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!"

He stopped dead in his tracks, hands buried in the pockets of the black hoodie.

"So, what you said today was a love confession?"

"… what?" I murmured.

"Guys, I think you two should address this... after…"

Namjoon swiftly turned on his heel, and Roxy stepped back. Letting me go as if what she saw in Namjoon's eyes made her afraid. But I couldn't see what she saw.

At that second, I deemed myself incapable of reading Namjoon. And it just dawned on me that I might've been incapable of it since day one and it's only been the past two days that I might've considered the fact that I've been guessing for the entirety of our relationship. And then used whatever he's told me as fact to confirm or dispel my preformed assumptions.

Cause when he closed the distance between us and grabbed my throat, I was terrified. But it was because I thought he might strangle me and not because of whatever Roxy saw before he even walked up to me.

'Is it just me, or everyone else can't read you either?'

But his fingers were the only thing holding me up since the pills had barely kicked in and the injection seemed to help my muscles remain weak and mushy.

The hold was not tight enough to block any airways. His fingers were just there. Making sure that I couldn't look anywhere else. Making sure that nothing distracted me. That he could catch every minuscule change in my face since he forced it to face him. That I couldn't run.

And also, making sure that I was acutely aware that my life was literally at his mercy.

"You were trying to make me hate you so I wouldn't die because of you? Is that it?" He inquired quickly.

"Yes"

"But you did kiss V a second time?"

"… yes…"

"And you do think everything in life is a form of an exchange?"

"…"

"Also, that I can't possibly love you even if you don't give me anything in return?"

"I haven't given you anything lately, so…"

He grinned and tilted his head.

"But I was anticipating you giving me your body or something soon wasn't I? Therefore, I was merely being patient. Is that it?"

"… no."

He squeezed.

"Don't lie to me."

"Namjoon!" I heard Roxy but I couldn't see her which meant that he might strangle me to death before Jay's gang and his older cousin got to lay their eyes on me.

I nodded out of fear and also because Namjoon could read me. Some could, some couldn't. But Namjoon always could.

'Can you read everyone else so well or is it just me?' I wondered.

He stopped squeezing. I coughed. And felt my eye hurting with every whiff of air I was exhaling.

"You are right, Jungkook. I've always wanted your body and I always will. You got me."

"Are you lying now or..."

"No."

I swallowed dryly and his fingers felt the bit of saliva that went down my throat.

"I wanted to fuck you every day. But if you think that's ALL you got to give me. Then so be it."

"… so… be… what?"

I was confused but when he lifted his head slightly and half of the yellow moon that was far behind him seemed to blend in with the dark sky, his words pierced through me like a curse. A real...curse.

"After I'll kill them for you, you'll owe me for the rest of your miserable life. Whatever I want to do with you. Whatever I tell you to do. If everything's an exchange then let's strike the deal."

"But I don't want you to save m…"

The hand squeezed and then slammed me towards the blackened ground. My nose was one millimeter away from it.

He was holding me above the ground, squatted down by my left side. As if to show me how close he was to hurting me.

"Namjoon! Don't! He's already…"

"SHUT UP!"

It echoed all around the campus. Maybe it was the silence. Maybe it was the rage behind his voice, but I was sure that someone must've heard him.

It sent chills down my spine. And after the yell dispersed in a flash, I could still hear it in the confines of my mind.

It scared me more than Jay's screams ever did.

He kept holding me by the neck while every muscle of my body contrasted and spasmed. It would've helped if I would've put my hands on the ground, but I was too busy holding onto his hand.

I couldn't breathe well.

I would've rather fallen face-first into the ground instead of him squeezing anymore.

Namjoon however, spoke slowly and clearly:

"After I kill them for you then you owe me your life. Your body. Your voice. Every fucking breath you take. It's mine. Do we have a deal?!"

I hesitated one second before nodding.

He let go and I fell to the ground with a thump. And he patted my head like I was his new dog before saying: "Pleasure doing business with you."

And then walked away.

Roxy helped me up while Namjoon called someone.

I couldn't hear him, but I could barely hear Roxy either.

"Jungkook, are you hurt?... Are you in shock? Jungkook? He's just upset. Don't… put it to heart. He'll calm down and then…"

'He won't.' I thought.

"I am sure he doesn't mean it."

'He means it.' I responded in my head.

"Whatever you guys talked about after we left must have really… hurt him. Just keep apologizing and he'll forgive you"

'He won't.'

"He cares about you."

'He might've… before I broke his heart.'

"Let's… concentrate. What will you tell them when they'll ask about why you're coming on your own or your eye?"

'I think I saw it break before me. I think I saw it… no, I felt it break.' I was stuck in my head and as I reached for my throat and fixated on the small pebbles from the ground, Roxy kept trying to distract me or make sure we didn't die because of me.

"Pink eye? Say you've slept on someone else's pillow and got pink eye?"

'Does he hate me now? Will he take revenge on me? Like Jay did after I let that guy escape?' I wondered.

"And if they ask about the guy with the pretty eyes, I forgot his name, well… say he made you go ahead first because he was getting something ready or…"

'I think it's better if they're the ones to end me. I don't think I can bear Namjoon after this... I don't think I can bear...'

"Jungkook?"

"Roxy, let him walk on his own. What will you do if someone's waiting at the edge of the forest and he sees him holding onto you?"

She got up and simply stared as Namjoon pulled me up by the arm and then demanded with a toneless voice: "Take us there. Lie until they're all in the same place. You'll manage. You're a great liar." He caressed my cheek with such mean eyes that when I started walking out of the campus, I was more frightened of the fact that Namjoon was watching me rather than the guys to whom I'll have to lie.

'But the problem is… I'm not a good liar, Namjoon. I've always… told the truth.'

The pavement was wearing thin and the branches of the bushes were feeling like knives against my clothed legs as I walked through them.

'Every white lie… sooner or later, I've always caved.'

The more I walked, the dimmer the rays of the moon were getting and the phone's flashlight was making the one good eye make doubles of everything.

I went deeper through the trees as the wind blew.

'Isn't a good liar, someone who's never caught? Like you? Cause unless something like this would've happened, I would've never known you had killed before. Wouldn't I?'

I got lost for a hot minute before I realized that if I didn't find the streetlight soon, whatever magical painkillers Roxy injected into my veins while I was asleep will lose their strength the more I'll walk.

'Are they following me? I can't hear them and it's so quiet too. Maybe Namjoon's decided I was not worth it and left me to die. Maybe…'

After a while, I somehow found the street lamp from inside the forest and the guy with the missing teeth waiting by it.

I almost laughed out loud when I realized that: 'Shit. I don't know the password.'

"Hi," I said, so void of inflections that I managed to surprise myself. "Jay told me to go first because he wanted to get something, like a present for my funeral so he's running late… I think I forgot the password though. Is it corpse? Or something..."

And he started walking away before I got to keep going.

I was on his tail, holding back from checking right and left too much. Ultimately, unable to shake the feeling that Namjoon and Roxy didn't follow me. That they've either lost or left me.

It was too quiet. It was too dark and it was a suicide mission at this point.

'Why does the thought of Namjoon giving up on me hurt more than the thought of dying? Is that normal? It can't be... I should see a therapist…' I was smiling to myself while passing by way too many trees, thinking: 'How funny… I've been seeing a therapist for years and I always forget that woman is a professional and not just a person that I talk to once in a while whenever I'm completely stuck. But I guess it's my fault because I couldn't trust her. Or these guys. Or anybody...'

"Look what the cat has dragged in!"

"More like a stray dragging a dead mouse…" Another joked and the King was beaming in his chair, holding his shiny knife by the lampshade.

Since Jay wasn't here, one of them came and checked me for wires after taking off my jacket.

I was trembling from the cold for once.

"You came here on your own?"

"Boss I don't like this..."

I was forced to kneel by the same guy that got me there and all the cuts that opened up didn't hurt as much as Namjoon's hold on my throat did.

'They're not going to kill them, are they? I am all alone. Or maybe, this will be his revenge. I guess it won't matter soon.' I thought quietly to myself as if they could hear my thoughts.

"Jay told me to go ahead." I mechanically lied.

"And you just obeyed him? What a good lad." The King said and then spit.

"Walking the plank with no blindfold?" Another joked.

They started laughing for some reason.

But the King was not amused.

"Where's his phone?"

One of them showed the King the phone Fred gifted me for Christmas.

"Why would my cousin give you back your phone, mm? And why is cousin's phone off?"

'The question that will get the tall guy to finally press the trigger.' I thought, prepared.

"Because he wanted you guys to dispose of it. He...I knew it'll be useless to run since you guys would catch me anyway." I said.

"You think we're missing brain parts, brat?" The King spat at me.

'They know I'm lying. They'll just kill me. I wish they'd do it quickly, but that's not their style so…'

"Did you call the cops on us? Did you?" He whispered, but it felt like a scream.

"No. Jay is getting a present because he…"

"That's why your eye's bandaged? Because he wanted you to look pretty before you'll die? Barf, you're an idiot. Why did you bring him here if he was alone?"

"Sorry, I..."

"Shut it. Danny, walk around and eliminate any…"

Before King got to finish what he was saying the skin of his forehead bloomed into a flower made out of crimson liquid petals.

I looked at the hole that allowed more liquid to pour out. And I almost couldn't believe it. Regardless of how many times I've blinked, it didn't go away. The blood just kept pouring out of his skull.

"Who's shooting?!"

"Fuck, I don't want to go to prison again…"

"From where?"

The tall one fell to the ground like a log.

"Who did you bring?! I will kill you, Freak! I will…" The guy who was threatening me was shooting in the dark at random while the others were trying to hide behind him. And I was worried for just a moment until he got shot in the head from the opposite side he was shooting at.

I was keeping my head down and though I kept thinking that I should look away, I couldn't. I continued watching as they got shot from within the darkness of the forest one by one until they were all parallel to the ground.

The blood was flowing out of the bodies and the earth was getting drunk on it.

I was about to puke when Roxy emerged from right next to the King's face. Ogling at him, deeply intrigued. And talking in a voice that mothers usually used to talk to their babies, saying:

"Is he ugly? Yes. He ugly."

I smiled. Mainly because I was certain that she must also have a few screws missing.

"Are those all?" She asked.

I nodded.

"That was almost too easy."

"Where is Nam…"

Before I got to finish, I saw a gun shining in the dark being pointed at Roxy not too many feet behind her.

I saw it, but I didn't get to say anything besides:

"Joon."

And the cry of pain that followed allowed me to breathe again.

The shiny object fell to the ground before Roxy turned. Unsurprised as Namjoon held the skinny guy's arms behind his back and forced him to walk forwards. Screaming:

"ANY MORE OF YOU FUCKERS? IS THERE ANYONE ELSE?"

The old man shook his head wildly, spit flying in the process.

Roxy squatted at this level now to sweetly inform him with a knife pointed at his crotch: "You can go fast and painless or slow and very, very not painless?"

The guy looked at her with horror, shaking just like me. She went on: "You'd better be telling the truth because we got other people looking for more of you around and I am about to join them so…"

"No one! I swear! No…"

Then Namjoon elbowed him in the ear. Once, twice and when blood started oozing out of it as the guy was laying down on the ground right next to one of his dead friends. He looked up at Namjoon.

I did too.

Thinking: 'I saw this guy killing before, didn't I? He was obsessed with that woman's arm after he ripped it off with his teeth, and… now he's… scared of…."

"ANYONE ELSE?"

"Namjoon…" She reached out towards his shoulder but didn't touch him.

"NO ONE! I swear. I swear on my life! I swear on all of my money! I swear!" The man cried out.

When Namjoon didn't seem to believe him, he tried to crawl away. But Namjoon stepped on his leg until we could all hear his bone-cracking and his cry of pain echoing just like the gunshots did. I covered my eyes as I started unconsciously hyperventilating and swaying back and forth.

No longer cold.

There were more similar sounds and more screaming that echoed all around the forest.

"NO ONE! PLEASE! NO… CHIEF…"

"ANYONE KNOWS YOU WERE HERE? TELL ME NOW!"

"My wife doesn't know anything... I SWEAR! Please... STOP!"

"Namjoon… he might be telling the truth," Roxy told him.

I opened my eyes for just a second to see nothing but a bloody shell of a man trying to get Namjoon off him with the last of his strength.

"Just shoot him already," Roxy argued. "I'm calling the cleanup."

"If there's more and Arthur gets a scratch on his face, then I'll get punished. You know that right?"

"I know, but he looks like he's telling the truth."

"Yeah, but…"

"Just shoot him!"

"Please… shoot me. There's no one else. You've… killed… everyone… my...my friends... please… have mercy…"

The old man was sobbing as he reached out to one of the guys. And I, too, felt a tear escape from my swollen eye.

The way Namjoon looked at him right before he forced him on his back with a kick and then shot him between the eyes was scarier than the blood that came out of the man's head.

It was unmerciful. It was calculated. It was nothing like the man who has cried hours ago.

And this man that I didn't recognize turned to look at me.

"Hi. Yeah. It's me. I think it's done. Where are you guys?"

He walked by Roxy who was talking on the phone while pacing around. Appearing as if she was checking the perimeter despite having claimed that no one was left a minute ago. Aiming the gun at the trees when Namjoon squatted next to me.

And inquired a simple: "Are you hurt?"

I shook my head. Eyes wide and red.

"Good."

"…. Are you… hurt?" I dared to ask.

He smiled with warmth and covered me with his hoodie.

"I will go look around some more. You stay here. Keep your head down."

I nodded.

It felt like an eternity until the guys who had also cleaned Jay off the floor approached me.

Roxy and Namjoon still hadn't returned, but the cleaners didn't seem to mind that. Or mind me sitting, cross-legged beside the dead bodies.

Seven men all dressed in black were spraying blood off the ground with odd-smelling water and inspecting every single tree with blue lights.

"Any corpse anywhere else?" They asked me.

I shook my head.

They called Namjoon and all I gathered was that they couldn't find anyone else. And the cleaners themselves said that they had installed wires at every exit of the forest so they knew for sure that no one's escaped.

Something that was ordered by Fred himself.

I dug my nails into Namjoon's hoodie and hugged myself.

'It's done. I'm free.'

That is what I tried to think while they kept looking for any remaining evidence.

When Namjoon and Roxy reappeared next, I was still in the same spot. Hugging my knees. And body lightly swaying with the wind.

'No. I am not free. I almost… forgot.'

"Thanks for helping."

He told her.

"That's a nice sentiment. But I still want to get paid."

"Yeah. Yeah. Jungkook?"

"..."

"Get up."

I did because he told me to.

I did because I had to get away.

I did, but then he, Roxy, the moon, the trees, and the seven men had all turned upside down for just a moment before my vision turned as black as the sky. And I was transported to the same place I was when I fainted last time. In a zero-gravity, nor heaven nor hell, in-between space.

This time, however, Namjoon was there.

He was there too.

But I didn't want him to keep looking at me anymore.

And at the same time, I didn't want him to look away either.