Probing

AN: This and the next 4 chapters are from Namjoon's perspective.

The first time I ever researched mental illness wasn't because of my mom's behavior. But because of dads.

It was after I went to his work one day because he told me to bring some papers he needed from home. That was when I witnessed him teaching for the first time.

He had a smile on his face for the entire time and he was speaking with a volume that I'd never heard him use. Moving around so freely like he was weightless.

I was only a small child, but I strongly felt like there must be something ill about it.

That the man who had barely ever talked more than was necessary when he was at home, who barely ever left his seat by the back door, or who'd smile only once a few months couldn't be the same man who was speaking loudly with a smile while pacing.

To make sure he wasn't just having one good day, I went back again and from then on, I started sneaking into his classes and I'd listen to him for hours even when I didn't have the faintest clue what he was talking about.

After intensive research, I concluded that he had a severe case of split personality disorder.

That would've explained everything.

It was only when I realized that I too acted differently when mom was near and when she wasn't. And that whatever it was called, it was an illness and we must've both had it.

Only out of fear of shame at that idea did I arrive at the assumption that it wasn't necessarily ours. Hence, I pointed my tiny finger at the only person left.

Since it could've as well been mom's illness.

Every time she was near, her disease must've made us ill as well.

Because she was never happy. Hell. She was never in a good mood. This is why we could never express any kind of happiness, no matter how small or natural.

It made her mad.

She didn't seem to understand what it meant. It was like a threat to her.

Me, smiling as a child scared her more than me crying.

But when she was drugged out of her mind or drunk to the point that she was blacked out in her room; that's when I truly believed she was experiencing some sort of joy.

I wasn't entirely certain since she wasn't able to talk or express herself during those moments, but sometimes, I'd catch her smiling after she's injected her veins with something.

Dad smiled only when she wasn't there to see it. Especially, when we were alone. Just the two of us. Whispering in the dark about unimportant things.

To this day, I couldn't recall most of what we used to talk about because it was never something dramatic or important like it was whenever mom and I talked for longer than two minutes.

But I do remember asking him how he'd met mom and how did they have me. It was a question that arose within me after reading a book about how two lovers met each other and had a child. Whereas most stories would've ended when the two got married. This particular one kept going.

And I remember him hunched over a book, saying that he doesn't remember much about it. Only to look up, touching his glasses like he usually did, and as if he was lost in thought, went on to tell me that it's been too long ago and that it happened without him noticing much. There wasn't any grandiose event like in that story. He simply blinked her way and before he knew what was happening, she was everywhere and everything.

I didn't understand what he meant then.

But as I was carrying a passed-out Jungkook out of a dense forest in the wee hours of the morning, I could feel the meaning of his words flowing through every vein of my body.

And it absolutely continued to not make any logical sense.

However, the beginning was getting fuzzy for me too. All I could remember of it was how beautiful he looked when he was an innocent, rosy-cheeked child.

The middle was like a waiting game followed by a dream come true. An array of nights that we've spent intertwined; occasionally had a quick breakfast in the morning and watched mind-numbing television while eating dinner.

But now it was pure insanity on my part.

Because I just couldn't let him go.

I knew that I should. And that's how far my sanity was able to reach reality.

The I 'should'. And nothing more.

I knew just like dad knew that leaving her would probably make her think twice about the choices she's made up to that point.

And even if it would've changed nothing for her, it would've changed everything for him.

Because he wasn't happy.

No one in our family was ever allowed to feel happy. And whatever bits of happiness we got were like cheat meals on a diet. No matter how sweet, it left a bitter taste of shame, fear, and guilt right after swallowing.

But then again, how could Jungkook be so wrong for me and so right at the same time was mind-boggling.

How could he be everything and everywhere? When for him, it was becoming strikingly clear that I was nothing.

Exactly like dad was for mom.

Someone to be sacrificed for what she was always concerned with. Her true insatiable love: drugs.

Be it heroin or alcohol. They were both attending to the same wound with unknown whereabouts.

Although I didn't mind it much at the start since that's how mom has always been for as long as I've been on this earth.

It was only after getting a good look at other families, that I've begun blaming dad for not caring about himself more. For not putting himself first and finding a way to be happy.

Me and him together.

I blamed him for how we were living.

I blamed him for dying.

But now, as Jungkook opened his one eye and looked up at me, I couldn't blame him anymore.

Because I've finally understood him.

Dad didn't care who or what his wife loved. If it destroyed her or him. Or me.

He loved her too much to care. And that love was enough for the both of them to stay together until death did inevitably tear them apart.

It was crystal clear now. But if it was only the addiction, I believed I could accept it.

However, if Jungkook had all of mom's mental illnesses was something that I was too afraid to discover.

As I laid Jungkook in my bed, even if I knew I should've carried him back to his and V's room instead, I couldn't help but hope that we wouldn't end in an early grave because I was the one in control of the two.

Since mom had always held the reins in their relationship. So, maybe, just maybe, I could curb the trajectory of his addiction before it got worse. I could make sure he'd never touch anything besides weed ever again.

Could stand by his side and not let him destroy both of us.

I could, maybe, instead of being an enabler, be someone who'd help him recover. Help him find something else that'd make him happy so that perhaps there was one chance in hell that weed addiction and anxiety were the only devils he had to face.

The conundrum was that just like my father's addiction had been his wife, since no matter how wrong it was, he couldn't stop loving her and the child that came out of her. Yet, his only saving grace had been the joy he'd felt when he succeeded in making his students fall in love with literature.

A dream that was second to being beside mom. She was the reason why he had never accepted to teach in a bigger city despite the fact that mom had no intention of being with another man. He still couldn't risk it. Or he just couldn't stay away for long. I never dared to ask.

But I couldn't in my right mind expect that whatever replacement for Jungkook's current addiction was ever going to hold a candle against a forest fire.

And I'd unequivocally understood that after having sex with a girl who looked slightly similar to him until she was internally bleeding, that a replacement would never be satisfactory.

Because it wasn't about the sex.

It was about Jungkook.

And I wished I didn't know that about myself today.

But if there was no hope for me, I wanted to pray that for Jungkook, it was only about the drugs and nothing else like it had been for mom.

I was thinking about this when I leaned down and touched his lips with mine despite his hands pushing against my chest. I wished I still considered myself to be a sex addict. That would've been easier. That would've been better.

That wouldn't cause me to feel guilt when tears were wetting our connected lips. Cause if that was the case, I'd just replace him with someone willing. And I had no idea when the switch had been made from sex to Jungkook. It was like it crept up on me and by the time I noticed, it was too late.

'Yes. I must truly love him. And no. I don't expect him to ever love me back. And that must've been why I've never dared to ask him about how he feels about me. But I've accused him of what he didn't seem to feel instead.'

Feelings that didn't color the words that were now coming out of the lips that were exhaling air against my lips:

"Namjoon… don't.… please.."

It made me question how blind I've been. And at the same time, how I was ever able to let him go willingly. Cause now, it seemed like after I'd found a loophole, I was going to hang onto it unless he'd give me anything else to hold onto.

"Didn't I make myself clear? You owe me for the rest of your life."

"Yes… but…"

"But what?"

'I'm only kissing you… I'm not even… No. There's no point in getting mad. After all, he's right. He is but...' I told myself and shut my eyes to stop seeing those two wide, terrified windows of the soul.

"You want me to kiss you just because I owe you?" He asked.

"Yes." I breathed into his mouth.

"… but… that… are you sure?"

"Is there any other way I could make you kiss me?"

'Anything that I could hang on to. Anything that'd involve less pain for you and me? Besides forcing you to? ' I kept those questions to myself because even in my mind, they sounded too desperate.

"Yes. We could start over and go slow…"

"Kissing isn't slow enough for you?"

"We haven't touched for…"

'I shall take the dust and mirages.' I thought and planted a kiss on his lips.

And then tore myself away. Saying:

"Fine. We'll hold hands on the way to the hospital then."

"What? Didn't the doctor give me stuff for everything... and you didn't get hurt. Or did you?"

The concern in his voice had me smiling. Holding myself up by a tired hand on the bed. I messed up my hair in frustration, and also because I had to do something with that hand instead of touching him.

"You've fainted again. Why did you faint again?" I heard myself asking.

"… I don't know…"

"The doctor that checked you up a few days ago. You're going to let him run some tests on you."

"But… why?"

"What do you mean, why?! How many times do you have to faint before you go see a doctor?! " I audibly smiled and chuckled for a second. The pretense hurt. And his words told me that I probably didn't control my facial expression well enough.

"… don't yell…"

'Give me anything at all. Anything but that deal...' I begged in my mind.

"We have a deal." I insisted, closing the little distance I'd put between us a moment ago.

He shut his eyes and breathed out the exasperated words:

"Yeah...We do."

'Or nothing. And I'll mold it into something if I have to.' I assured myself. He probably thought I was waiting for him to give in but I was only trying to think of reasons why kissing him now or later would make a difference.

"I'll go to the doctor then."

"Good." I absently told him and locked our lips.

Fingers were lingering on my chest but they weren't pushing.

I was too aware that he was letting me kiss him because of the deal because didn't even move. He just let me do what I wanted. Bite his lips and taste his tongue like they were mine. But not his mind.

And I could feel the whole inside my chest growing wider.

It was a guilty pleasure.

A cookie on a diet.

A runner's high when every muscle screams that it's time to rest.

A beer before going to an AA meeting.

I wanted him so much that I almost didn't care that he was probably waiting for me to stop. I kept licking and sucking on his skin.

But the thought that he might die one day as mom did was the thought that helped me stop. Because I wanted to believe that I could bear going somewhat slow if that kept him by my side and alive.

I pulled back and hugged him instead. Then used the weight of my body to make sure he was not going anywhere.

I ignored the thought that lurked as I welcomed his scent when our bodies were lying flat against one another.

'But how long until I can't hold again?'

We fell asleep like that. My body over his body. Clothes fully on. Bandages in their place, Hood over my head.

And that's how Jimin found us hours later.

"Namjoon? Hey… someone's called you… wake up, Namjoon…"

"Stop poking me…" I groaned. But Bambi continued to desperately point out: "Your phone! Someone keeps calling."

The bright screen was hurting my eyes, but the number without a name electrocuted me awake.. And an idea came to me like an arrow that's been shot straight in the hole from my chest and that, if I was lucky, would find something in it to sink its tip into.

The new idea was helping and hurting me at the same time.

Decided it was too soon to act on it.

Rejected the next call, kissed Jungkook's sleeping head, and walked out of the room with a hyperactive Bambi on my tail.

"Who was that?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Why wouldn't you save the name of someone's number? "

"Bambi, tell me what you want quick 'cause I have to call a doctor."

"For Jungkook?"

".. Spit it out already."

"Nothing, I just... We didn't spend much time lately."

"Aha."

"You've left for a long time without saying a word."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

He didn't outright request an apology but smiled when he received one.

"And I've spent a lot of time alone and I didn't like it..."

"Aww, Bambi, you've missed me?" I mocked, sitting on the edge of the bed to pat his head but my grin faltered when his downcast look slapped me in the face.

"I've been hanging out with Jungkook and your friends but I can't be friends with Tae again. I like the other three a bit. I don't know why, but I just can't act normal around Tae." He then quickly added with a tilt of the head to the right: "Well, I have a vague clue as to why."

I sighed.

"Look, we'll spend some time together soon. I need to do some stuff and..."

"Can't I come with you guys?"

"To the hospital?" I blinked rapidly at the idea.

'Are you that lonely?' I wondered while looking him up and down.

"I don't like hospitals..." He admitted as if he wished he did find doctors charming.

"No one does, Bambi. No one does." I patted him again, but this time it was meant to be comforting.

"Later then?"

"Later," I promised and watched him walk towards the room with small steps. Almost defeated.

'A friendship fetish. I swear to God, V...'

And then I called. And called.

"Hello?"

"..."

"Doctor Steiner?"

"... Who is it?"

"Kim Nam-Joon. You gave me your number to call regarding Jungkook."

"... It's Sunday and it's nine AM."

"I know."

The man seemed wide awake, but I wrote it off as a doctor being used to pretend to be awake whenever someone called, regardless of the hour. Especially, one that was connected with Fred in any shape or form.

"Is he in a critical state? Fever? Pain? " He asked.

"No. He's fine."

"... then help me understand the rush."

"He's fainted yesterday and it wasn't the first time. Frankly, he keeps fainting once every few months, or that's what I'm suspecting."

"Is there any pattern to the syncope?"

"To what?"

"Do you know if there are any common patterns or triggers that occur before he faints? Though I think I should be asking him that, I guess I've lost my mind this early on a sunday morning so I'll listen to your answer as well."

He was concealing his nerves by tone, but it was still leaking through. I pretended to be oblivious to it.

"He had alcohol, both times. Stressed, mostly likely. And he's also a smoker, in case that might have anything to do with it..."

"It might be insufficient oxygenation of the brain. Or the high levels of stress."

"But what if it's something else?"

He sighed. And asked so fast that I barely caught it: "Is there any way to get him to quit smoking for a few months to check if he stops fainting due to his brain receiving proper oxygenation?"

I smacked my lips and pondered for a second. "Yeah...not many chances of that happening."

"Then I'll text you the address and I'll have his blood checked, maybe a CT just to be sure, so no eating before he comes in. And a DNA scan at around eleven-thirty, today. How does that sound?"

"Great. Thanks. But I didn't know some machines that can scan DNA were invented. The hospital you work at must be really advanced."

"You're sarcastic, I'm sarcastic. We seem to be getting along just fine... If only it wasn't nine am on a Sunday!"

The sudden rise in volume had me smiling.

'Guess the old man gets along with people who are similar to him.' I thought.

"I'll tell Fred you said hi."

The man mumbled something with a groan before he hung up.

'Now, all that's left is...'

Five doors down from the one I was standing next to, someone had just shut a door quietly. But the sound wasn't what alarmed me, but the shadow. If that person could've concealed their shadow, I wouldn't have noticed that the door was open at all.

'Or maybe I'm hallucinating... The withdrawals have been screwing with my brain. Yeah, that must be it.'

I convinced myself and then went back in.

Bambi was studying on his bed and Jungkook was still asleep.

"Don't let him eat when he wakes up. I'm going out."

"But it's early..."

"Yeah. Get him to take a shower if you want to be nice. If not, it doesn't matter."

"Don't you think he'd rather have you help him?"

The lifted eyebrow confused me, but then I remembered how he found us.

"No. I think he'd rather let half the school help him take a shower instead of me." I concluded, staring at the ceiling.

"But wh.."

"I'll be back, Bambi."

"Ok..."

I slapped the door shut on a Jimin eying a sleeping Jungkook, appearing quite bewildered.

After I walked through the other building, I couldn't resist checking the hallway for bystanders, and then knocked on V's door at nine and thirteen minutes in the morning. Yelling: "Your dad's here! Your daddy! Open up! Quick!"

A sleepy square face was getting revealed as the door was getting opened. V's expression let me know he did not believe me one bit. Regardless, it did get him up and standing nicely enough for me to punch him straight in the left cheek.

"The fuck!"

He screamed after he hit the wall to his right and then fell to the floor on his back. He was now holding onto a nose that was probably bleeding.

I secured one hand on each side of the doorframe. And I was planning to keep both of them there because I would've kept going if I went in. I knew it. I could feel it. So, with nails digging into the wood. I started speaking as calmly as I could:

"Listen to me V. Cause you're not going to be able to hear it next time..."

"Why did you hit m..."

"LISTEN!"

It echoed like thunder. And I too heard the rage from my own voice.

It made him shudder as my blood felt like it was boiling under the skin. That irked me too. As if something within was begging to hurt the guy that it took me a while to consider something close to a friend and who I was now trying to convince myself was still a friend. Or someone who I could still stand next to without strangling.

V took my advice and kept silent. And so far, no one went out of their dorm rooms.

And if any of them opened their doors to listen, I didn't care.

I feigned a smile to hopefully make myself appear more amiable than I was feeling. To force my brain into producing some chemicals that would in fact help me see his face and not the red that kept blocking the view every two seconds.

"You kissed him once after we've fought. Fine. Kissed him a second time and then touched him too? Hmm? We were broken up so fair game. But after that, he's the one who kissed you. And it's been three times!" I showed him three fingers as if he was that retarded, "You've touched what's mine three times... And I really..."

I was speaking through a clenched jaw. Grinding the upper pair of teeth against the bottom ones as every word went out through the cracks between each individual tooth, and the more I talked, the harder it was to keep the corners of my lips up.

I stopped to inhale deeply, leaning back using my arms as the breath went in and then forward again to exhale. All without taking one step back or forwards. Like the sides of the door were the ropes of an improvised yet confining swing.

Feeling my face protesting against the forced grin.

I lifted one finger after I almost propelled myself on top of him after another hearty swing. But I actually took one step back. And quickly said:

"Just a sec."

Shut the door in his face, took a step back, and punched a hole through it.

That got one door from this hallway to open and V, to visibly flinch.

'I didn't hit him again so that must count for something.' I reassured myself.

But when I opened the door and looked down at him, after securing one hand on each side of the doorframe, all I saw was someone who was terrified. And I didn't feel good about it. I wished I did, but V's eyes were matching Jay's eyes as I was scooping them out of his head. And I was trying to avoid doing that so his expression wasn't helping one bid.

"Listen."

I audibly smiled after casually uttering that word, almost chuckling when I thought about how the hell did I believe for one whole second that I will be able to be friends with this guy even if he did learn his lesson without me murdering him. But alas, what V didn't know right now was that as long as he was in this university or near Jungkook I couldn't exactly prove to Jungkook that his wordless disappearance had nothing to do with me and that his body wasn't disintegrating into a bath of acid in the wonderful facility that Fred's cleaning team was using.

But after he proved to be an actual threat after Jungkook admitted to kissing him, I didn't know how to react.

I had no plan.

But I just couldn't bear the thought of it happening again.

'It's fine! If he doesn't do it again... If he...' I repeated this thought to myself, like a mantra meant to keep me in the hallway.

"V. Kim Taehyung..." I began once more, warmly, casually, and jokingly.

He visibly swallowed and took his hand off his bloody nose probably because he wasn't able to hold himself parallel with the ground anymore with the strength of the abdomen alone. And yet, he simply let the one hand down to support himself and nothing more.

Blood was now flowing down the collar and after he leaned forwards to be sitting on the ground and not laying on it, he settled into the new position anxiously, and the crimson liquid started dripping on his pants and kept dripping while I was speaking:

"I've offered you the benefit of the doubt. And I'm really trying to do that again. But this is where your three lives end my dear friend. And you don't have a fourth if you know what I mean. And I'm really! REALLY! Trying to think of the time we've spent together, of the times we've been pals even if it was only to scratch each other's backs, you know? It was real... Friend-ish. Even if all I wanted was to be near Jungkook and all you wanted was Jimin, it's fine! Fine! There was a moment when I really thought we clicked or something..."

"....we did..."

"SHUT UP!"

He visibly froze.

And looked like he was about to cry, but was too scared to.

I took one hand off the frame and made it into a fist, reached towards it to him, and then retracted it. Put it against my lips and bit it.

'Ah, it's red again. It's all red. His face, the floor, the walls..'

I put one finger up again.

"One sec."

Took one step back, shut the door and this time kicked it, making a bigger hole under the previous hole. The sound was enough to have someone a few doors from this one screaming:

"What's happened..."

I could feel the veins of my neck popping out and my throat, fighting back, as I barked with a voice that was one of the reasons that I earned the nickname Monster.

"GO BACK!

The girl jumped back inside and shut the door right after.

I cleared my throat and opened the door again.

It revealed a V whose blood had gathered in one spot since he hasn't dared move an inch.

His eyes were wetter now and yet, unblinking.

I slapped one hand on each side of the door frame and tried again:

"Look. We can keep pretending to be friends if you'll never, and I mean never, not even in your wildest dreams..." I laughed to myself, swaying again, back and forth on the tip of my toes. But as I was trying to focus on the ceiling for a moment while smiling, I looked down at him and almost shuddered at the thought that relaxed my entire face briefly:

'Ah... the things I'll do to you if you do it again.'

I leaned back, rested on a full foot, and picked up my fake smile, saying:

"This is your last life. This is your last shot. Your last fucking chance to prove to me that you care about living. Really. Don't think your dad will be able to catch me before I do or after I do it. Don't think of anything or anyone. Just don't think about anything. It's better that way. Jungkook, salvation, no, I take that back. Think of Jungkook as the friend that gives you cancer the moment you touch him. No. You have to touch him so he doesn't catch on but touch him without one single dirty thought in mind. It's fine if you're trying to get his attention or hug him goodbye. But don't! And I repeat! Never touch what's mine with any other intention or I'm going to have to make it hurt. Even if he and I break up, unless I specifically tell you to fuck him then it's a no-go for you. Do you understand?" I shrugged my shoulders to emphasize how easy to understand it was, "If I as much get a phone call that your father is on his way or someone who knows him. Because your father is being watched 24/7, naturally, then you'll wish you'll get to see him one more time. Even if you start hating him because that's how much I'll make it hurt. But your sweet, deranged father won't get to you in time. Not him and no one else either. Unless after I die, by some miracle plan you've cropped up, someone else will kill you for me. I will make sure of that. No, I promise. So..."

Hands still on the frame, I slowly slid myself into a squatting position and grinned, blinking on purpose to appear more harmless.

"Trust me when I tell you. Just trust me this one time, V. I know you can lie like an actor, but Jungkook can't. He can't lie to save his life. No matter what he tells you when you're in this room, or alone or whatever. He will tell me or I will make him tell me. Either way, I will find out somehow. Be it sooner or later." I let go of the frame for a second to show him how powerless I was to find out, shrugging and spreading both arms, I went on, smiling:

"And when I'll find out... you will die."

The only thing moving remained the blood that was coagulating and probably making it hard to breathe as the right side of his face started swelling up.

I slapped a hand on each side of the frame again and went on:

"But! And that's my friendship for you, talking." I put a hand over my chest and smiled honestly for once. "But if you never do it again. We won't have any problems. Maybe I'll beat you up if you rape someone close to me, but I won't kill you. I mean it! At most, I will put you in a wheelchair for your own good. But! If you touch Jungkook... if you dare cross me like that again...well, you just can't keep on living!" I let out the shortest laugh to show him how much sense I was making. And then, asked with no inflections to my voice whatsoever: "Do you understand?"

He didn't answer and that made me frown.

I leaned back and looked down the hallway. Got up. Stepped inside the room, shut the door behind me and squatted down before him, and asked again, voice barely above a whisper:

"Kim Taehyung, do you understand?"

One tear fell as his head nodded once.

"Good."

I wiped the drop of blood that was hanging on for dear life from the left nostril since it's been bugging me for a hot minute.

He didn't react to that either.

"A, and it goes without saying that Jungkook won't know about this little friendly talk we've had. But he'll know that you got your nose broken again because you went to a bar, got drunk, and fought with a guy. Right?"

He nodded once more.

"Also, in case Jungkook himself comes onto you for any reason under the sun, you'll refuse him kindly because you fell in love with someone else and then tell me as soon as you can. Won't you?"

Another nod.

"We'll get along so well starting from now on? Won't we?"

He didn't nod.

I got up, sighted at the deplorable state of the door, and tore it off its hinges.

"I'll go dispose of it so Jungkook doesn't see it. But don't worry, I'll pay for your medical bills and the door that you'd better replace until tomorrow. It doesn't have to be identical since he probably won't notice anyways but try your best. Fine?"

It didn't seem like he was breathing.

'That's how more money goes down the drain. Pff... What a dreadful day.'

I was carrying the door with one hand down the hallway and out of the building. Ignoring the few glances sent my way and carried it as far away from the university as I could. Threw it in the forest, went to the nearest ATM, and pulled out money for V.

'It's good Fred's already paid me for ruining what was left of my friendship with Mona. But I might still have to cut back on stuff until I get a job.'

Buried the bills in my pockets and kept my hands there all the way back and for once, I noticed the green leaves and the street lamps.

It was peaceful. And it was helping me clear my head.

The blue skies and the occasional gust of the wind. The normal people walking by and the birds singing here and there.

When I stepped foot in front of the old fence and looked through the bolted opening, I halted. The old buildings didn't seem as unfamiliar as they did the first time I got off the bus with Jungkook.

It didn't seem as daunting and there were so many bad memories attached to it that I couldn't help but think:

'He's got no other dealer. And I just have to keep it that way. Yeah... that's all I got to do... that's all... so... tiring.'

With that thought burning in my mind, I stepped inside and went down the well-known path until I reached the dorm buildings.

And there was a sting in my chest since I knew I had to go and give V the money but no part of me wanted to.

Cause I'd never admit it to him, but he was the first guy, my age, that knew most of my current problems for a while and helped me. He was the first guy who I've spent time with without wanting to fuck and although he was a pain in my ass. He was the first guy I wanted to trust. And he violated that trust in the one way I couldn't forgive.

And strangely, although I'd expected it because I saw him lie every day, I hated the part of me that wanted to believe it could've been avoided.

Wished that he'd prove that he thought of me as more than just someone to use for a while by not touching Jungkook. Since I couldn't trust a word he was saying anyway. Ultimately, his actions proved whether he was lying or not.

But he didn't refuse Jungkook. Which could only mean one thing.

I looked up at the sky and sighed a sigh that made my whole body ache.

'Our convenient friendship has been just another lie of yours. Albeit one that has been useful for me as well. But that was all part of the plan, wasn't it? All to stay in my favor and Jungkook's favor. Hell, it worked too. You smart son of a bitch. After all...Jungkook's never kissed me on his own accord, but he's kissed you. He told me with his mouth that he was the one who kissed you, V. If that wouldn't be a win unless I wasn't mentally ill like my father, I don't know what would be.'

I was looking at the door of his building as if I was talking to him. But although I wasn't sure if that's been his plan all along, I was certain that I didn't want to find out anything else today.

They all made me act like the Monster I hated to be the most.

But it seemed like that was the only way to keep everyone around.

To keep them in line by striking deals.

And making them fear breaking those deals.

'I guess Fred should adopt me at this point.' I thought bitterly as I turned on one heel and headed towards my dorm room with two slanted shoulders and with a hole inside my chest that was so wide that I could feel the wind going through it as it blew, 'He's taught me like he would've taught his own kid. Too bad that nothing is ever given in this way, just taken.'

Stepped up the stairs slowly and passed by laughing students.

'I guess it must suck for him to be who he is too. I'm starting to understand how lonely it is and I did not even kill them all after screwing with me once. But is giving them second chances going to change anything? Or am I just avoiding the inevitable? '

Knocked on the door and Jimin opened it confused as to why I didn't open the door myself. I motioned for him to step out of the room after spotting a still-sleeping Jungkook.

'I wish Jungkook was wrong. I wish relationships wouldn't be an exchange. Although there are nicer exchanges and worse ones...'

"What do you want to talk about?"

I grabbed his hand and slapped the bills in it.

"Take this money."

"What's this for?" He asked, reticent to hold it which is why I didn't let go of his wrist as I looked him straight in the eyes with half-opened eyelids.

"V. Go give this money to V. He's in his room."

"Namjoon... I can't. I mean, I did spend some time with your friends and he was there too... but not alone and..."

When he tried to pull his hand back, I kept it still. He made a sound that indicated it hurt and then looked at the floor, upset.

"He got hurt at a club," I informed him.

Bambi looked up surprised, but not worried.

I went on: "Someone's punched him hard and this is for his medical bills. Oh, and his door broke."

"His door? How?"

"It just fell off his hinges. But let's not get Jungkook worried about anything else." He nodded. "So please, go give him this money."

"But why can't you?"

The question wasn't selfish. It was common sense. But I suddenly felt too exhausted to try to convince him. I wished he'd just listen and leave so I could collapse.

I wanted to make up a lie that'd get this over with, but the truth was all my mind came up with.

'Because he fucked up our deal and I will start pretending all's swell tomorrow. Tomorrow, but I can't do it today.' I thought.

"I'm tired, Jimin."

He audibly smiled, nervously.

"Why are you calling me Jimin all of a sudden?"

"Please. Do it for me."

"... can't I just leave the money on his desk and leave?"

"You can do it in any way you want. Just make sure he gets it."

He nodded. And I released his wrist.

He slipped the bills into the pocket of his jeans but kept looking at me for some reason.

'I wonder what it is you're getting from me without me even knowing. Cause it doesn't seem to be V that you want or Jungkook.' I thought, flatly. As if the thoughts were exhausted too.

"You don't look so well..."He observed."Do you want me to get you some food on my way back?"

'If it's not people, then it must've been the weed. And when you'll find out there's no more dealer, you'll stop being nice to me. Won't you?'

"I'm not hungry."

"You look... sad..."

"You don't look too happy yourself."

Students were passing by and Bambi suddenly felt interested in their existence.

I sighed.

"I should go catch some sleep," I told him but didn't move.

He wasn't looking at me when he mumbled, but I heard him perfectly.

"You promised I won't have to be alone with V, ever. You said..."

"Do you have your phone?"

He patted the right pocket of the jeans.

"If he touches you, call and I will be there in a minute. You can pick what bone I'll break first."

His eyes went wide before a small smile painted his lips.

"He's not doing to do anything."

That confident sentence confused me.

"..."

"I was just saying. You were supposed to be my friend and you just disappeared... you've left me alone and now that you're back. You tell me nothing and then give me money to give to... Taehyung, of all people in the world."

He chuckled to himself, but it was a sound devoid of positive emotion.

'Friendship? Am I supposed to believe that? Am I supposed to give you the benefit of the doubt too? Like I did with V? Because you didn't screw up yet?'

"I'm sorry."

My voice was distant.

His downcast look and a little nod were followed by a very decisive: "How will you make it up to me?"

It was like I had just got punched in the hole in my chest and it somehow didn't go through but tore a thin, see-through layer that I hadn't known was there until then.

I psychically let my left shoulder hit the wall as I leaned on it. Fists tight in the pockets of the hoodie.

Casually whispering like a man breathing underwater: "However you want."

'I don't want to know your real intentions too. I really can't take more today... please...Jimin...'

I shut my eyes, waiting to hear it. But nothing came.

When I opened them, Jimin's eyes were wet and he was biting his bottom lip.

I parted my lips to ask but couldn't find the energy or the conviction. Nor was I able to understand what was happening.

"You don't want to be my friend, do you?" He asked with a voice that indicated he was already crying but the tears just weren't flowing.

The students passing by were nothing but shadows now and the more it took me to answer, the more tears gathered and one finally fell.

I finally talked:

"To be a friend...what does that mean?"

He shook his head as tears kept falling until he covered his face.

"Tell me." There was no energy behind my words. No tone. It was like it was an empty shell was speaking.

Two hands fell by his sides before he shouted:

"Then you don't consider me a friend?!"

"I... don't consider you an enemy," I responded with honesty.

Mouth stayed aghast as eyes widened. Asking:

"That's it?"

"If you're not my lover and not my enemy, nor a stranger, then you are a friend? Right?" I told him and myself.

"...I don't understand what you mean..."

"I don't understand you either."

We both went quiet. And the students got fewer and fewer until I could see a few doors open, but no one passing through the hallway.

It was just me, leaning with the left half of the body and the crown of the head onto the wall and Jimin crying on mute.

"What does being a friend mean?" I asked again, genuinely wanting to know.

He lightly chuckled. Then wiped his nose and some tears away before he answered:

"Someone, someone you want to spend time with for no reason besides the fact that you enjoy their... company."

A smile broke on my face. One I didn't feel, nor consciously allow to remain there when I asked, mockingly:

"That's it?"

"Someone you share your troubles to. Someone you trust with your secrets and that you... like, but not in a sexual way. Someone you'll cherish forever. Someone you could do anything with and everything for because it's easy. It's comfortable. It's the equivalent of being at home wherever they are. A home that you've chosen, not one that you're stuck with."

"That's what V was for you?"

That question had him looking at me with surprise at first. Surprise quickly turned into anger. Anger made him try to pass me by, but I caught him with a firm hand.

When he tried to get away, I simply held myself by his shirt, letting my feet walk as he walked forwards with me hanging onto him like a child hanging on to the skirt of his or her mother.

"You want me to replace him?" I deadpanned.

Feeling vulnerable

Feeling drained.

Feeling like I was all alone on this planet.

But I kept hanging on to him, kept talking because I didn't have anything else to do. Because he was there and the world was void of color. Because my home was empty, my lover was not my lover, but someone I had forced into emotional debt, and the only person I've ever considered to be a friend was an old man that I thought would kill me the moment I became a liability.

And I didn't know how I felt about being V's replacement, but the more I thought about it, the more I considered the fact that this was the least bad exchange I've ever encountered ever since I was born onto this despicable planet with the worst hand one could've been dealt.

Jimin shook right and left while walking, but I followed him down the stairs, and at the crossroads, he snapped.

Swiftly turned around and slapped me.

I smiled. It made me smile so honestly, it must've irked him.

But I kept hanging onto him when he began walking again.

"Let go!"

He yelled once we'd made it outside and my hand was still clutching his shirt.

"I'll be your friend if you want me to."

He stood still for a moment, but while he was watching me, the anger was still there and his cheeks were still flushed.

"You didn't know what a friend meant..."

"You've told me what it means and I'm telling you that I can be that for you."

"But..."

"But what?"

Jimin sighed and then buried his hands in his pockets.

I stopped by his left and put a hand on his shoulder. Squeezed it softly.

"But what?" I insisted.

"But you don't mean that." He whispered.

"I do."

"All you care about is Jungkook. There's no more space for someone else."

'You're not wrong, but...' I pondered and squinted at a bird jumping from one tree to another. Its colors seemed too faded to be real.

"Then I'll make space," I concluded.

He looked up from the ground and at the left side of his face with surprise written all over it.

"Really?" He asked, like a child asking his parents if they'll get what they want for Christmas.

"I might not be that fun to hang around with, though. I mean, we've already hung around plenty but I was mostly drunk and I might disappear on you again but I'll come back to hang out. Is that fine with you?"

"Are you just saying it now just to say it or..."

"No, Jimin. I think that's doable. Besides, the only reason we stopped hanging out in the first place was cause you wouldn't join the group I was spending the most time with. That was your choice but I didn't push you on it since I wanted you to keep being sober, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to hang out with you or talk and stuff. You know that right?"

"I know." He fixated on the ground again. "But I don't like being around Taehyung."

"You talked about secrets, right?"

"Yeah?"

"To be honest... I don't want to be around him right now either. Which is why I wanted you to go to him."

"But... Why? Did something happen?"

"Hmm... I guess...."

'I've never thought I'll tell this to anyone, but I guess that I should? And it's not like this is something that will hurt someone by knowing, after all, Jungkook's the one who told me. So this is a good way to...'

"..." Jimin stared at my face while I weighed the reproductions. Waiting patiently. Anxiously.

I exhaled so much air that I didn't even know where it was coming from.

"I think mm, he likes Jungkook and Jungkook might like him a bit too."

'Test you.' I finished that thought quietly as if he could hear it.

"Ouch." That was his first reaction and it made me smile at how simple it sounded and how complicated it felt.

"Ouch indeed," I repeated darkly.

"And what are you going to do?"

"I already got Jungkook to owe me for life." I shrugged as if that went without saying, "And told Taehyung I'll hurt him if he does anything again."

"That sounds... horrible."

He smiled and I smiled back.

"It is."

"But how did you find out that they like each other?"

"They've kissed."

"That's not so bad."

"More than once."

"What an ass..."

"Mhm."

"And who are you more upset at?"

"Pardon?" I asked, taken aback.

"I mean Jungkook obviously, but Taehyung and you had gotten pretty close too. I know that's just so scummy of him, but it's also, so... typical of him."

I was wondering in what kind of situation Taehyung could've done something similar.

"I don't know. I thought I'd be more upset or fired up, but I'm just disappointed." I confessed.

"Of course. Who wouldn't be?"

"Like did he lie to me the whole time to get close to Jungkook? Or did Jungkook get drunk and flirted a bit, and he just went: oh, fuck Namjoon, I'll take what I can get."

"Right! They both suck." Jimin said, smiling.

"Eh, I suck too." That took the joy out of his face.

"Don't say that."

"But it's true. I almost want to let them be together so I wouldn't have to micromanage everything. It's so ...tiring."

"Maybe you should let them go. Though I doubt Tae could care about anyone as much as you."

"I think I should let him go... but I can't."

"No one is ready to let someone else go, Namjoon."

"I think I really love Jungkook."

There was a brief silence while Jimin dragged his feet across the ground and I took the hand that I'd forgotten on his shoulder and slipped it inside my pocket, swinging slowly on the edge of my heels.

I wanted to make a joke about everything and how everything's turned out, but he had to ask:

"Do you think he loves you too?"

"I honestly have no idea."

"Then why don't you ask him?"

"I doubt that the answer will be in my favor, so I'd rather... not know."

He chuckled at either my answer or my squinting eyes.

"What kind of relationship do you two have? One minute you're together all the time, smoking and going to parties. The next thing I know Jungkook is screaming at me with a bandaged eye to go get you and now..."

I turned towards Jimin a bit too quickly and cut him off.

"Wait. When did he do that?"

"Yesterday, you know, when we bumped into each other in the bathroom and I lied about having to use the toilet."

"Why did he want you to get me?"

"I don't know... that's what he wanted."

"Thanks for telling me."

"Why? He was scary...."

"Him wanting me to go to him... mmm, that feels good." I looked up at the sky, closing my eyes with a smile.

"Really?" He puffed into a laugh.

I immediately looked down with a frown.

"Don't mock me. He never wants to see me. He never reaches out. I do everything. He just sits pretty and smokes."

Jimin laughed louder.

"What's so funny?" I asked, amused slightly too.

"You're like a dog running around his master."

"When you put it like that..." My tone lowered and the outside felt colder for a second. "It makes me wonder if I truly am the one in control."

"What made you think you can be in control of someone else? That's ridiculous."

"Not in control of him, but... yeah, I don't know, in control of something."

"I think he's the one in control and I don't think he realizes it either." Jimin smiled and resisted laughing again since I looked way more serious than before.

I peeked up at the sky and said: "Let that be another one of our secrets please."

He burst out laughing louder and more animated than before. And I listened to that melodious sound. Letting it echo around the empty hole.

'But I don't think dad has ever mentioned having a friend. And if he ever had one and I've never met that person, he or she didn't help him stay alive. After all, the only person he ever had drinks with within our house was Fred. Ah, why would I have asked that as a child anyway? It's too late now.'