Underneath (Special part 2)

AN: Too big to post in just one chapter for this site. Here's the rest:

We didn't.

In fact.

I didn't know if Jungkook regretted coming onto me that night. But I was one hundred percent sure that V did.

And all of our friends did too.

Cause in only two mere months, I was fingers deep in Jungkook's asshole to keep it loose while in class with Bambi right next to us. And it was probably reckless.

Kissing Jungkook next to Martin and Dwayne until he got hard against his will. That was probably rude.

And after three months, I was shoving most clothes out of the closet, so I could lay Jungkook in it and fuck him. That was not what V wanted to see at 6 PM, right after an exam.

But I had to hide Jungkook's body.

And cared less if he saw mine instead.

I was grateful when V turned on his heel and walked away.

In the most twisted sense of gratefulness.

"Namjoon…I think…a…we need to…"

"Hold your legs up."

"But Tae…"

"Don't talk about him when I am fucking you."

I knew he didn't mean to but that still didn't hold me back from choking him while thrusting into him. Shaking the whole closet as his legs trembled.

I let his neck go after he ejaculated on his abdomen, and rested his legs on my shoulders as I leaned closer so I could lick his already abused nipples and feed him my saliva.

He started keeping his tongue out lately as if he was either too full or actually enjoying the humiliation.

Either way, the purple bruises on his neck and the pink tongue had me losing my mind.

I saw a belt as I was sucking his fingers and keeping a firm hold on his erect cock to prevent him from orgasming whenever he wanted.

Doing whatever came to mind was not only enjoyable because he started begging lately, and burst into tears if I fucked him long enough but it also kept him awake for longer.

"Whaat…a.h..y…ou….doo…a…Nam…"

I let go of his cock and stopped fucking him for a minute and as semen came pouring out of him without one finger touching the red little thing, I wrapped the belt around his wrist tightly and pinned it above his head.

When I started thrusting into him again and let go of the belt, to my pleasure, he kept his hands above his head like a good boy.

I smiled as I watched the semen spill from his navel on the clothes below him.

"I should be doing worse things to you right now…" I breathlessly reminded him.

"Wha…ah…Whay?"

"You didn't let me touch you this morning."

"V was…V…"

"I told you that if you would be quiet sometimes…"

I emphasized this by shoving my fingers into his mouth and down his throat until he was choking, oozing saliva and tears.

"Then V wouldn't find out."

I tickled the inside of his throat as he shook his head, fighting to get me to stop but as he did so, he got hard again.

"So cute," I told him as I took my fingers out and grabbed his hair instead.

I pulled him up with one hand and turned him around with the other.

His legs fell out of the closet and while I remained inside of him as I threw more clothes out so the position would be comfortable, his hands remained tied above his head.

I slapped his ass regardless.

And he knew this was part of the punishment but he didn't cry out until I was scratching and biting his back.

"Sorry…I …a…"

"You wanted me to touch you this morning. Admit it."

"I…"

"It's only me here, Jungkook. You can tell me."

I slapped him, particularly hard, and then pulled his head back by his hair so there would be less distance between his ass and my dick.

"Y..es…"

"Yes, what?"

"I ah…wanted…"

"What did you want?"

"Touch…"

"Hm?"

"Me…ahh…please…now…"

"Where?"

"There."

He'd usually guide my hand towards his erection but all he was able to do now was cause friction between his cock and whatever clothes were under him.

"I don't understand if you don't tell me."

"I'm…cumm…."

"But you're not allowed to cum yet."

He made a sound that was so hurt and so adorable that I didn't give him any space to rub himself on the clothes any longer but I was making him rub against them by shoving my dick into him without pulling out much anyway.

He moaned and cried at the same time and as I swore I heard someone talking in the hallway, so I reached toward the back of his neck and looked at it for a moment before I felt bad that I wrapped my fingers around it and squeezed.

His asshole contracted, his body shook and cock expelled out whatever cum was left in him which was not much.

This was not far from abuse.

I was growing more and more aware of it.

When I wasn't doing him, I started treating him as if he was a precious, rare, and fragile artifact.

But I also was aware that if the wrong person saw him naked.

They could lock me up.

Hell, if V saw me fucking him when he'd get too exhausted to do anything but lay there and take it up the ass, he'd probably stop talking to me at all.

If they would've asked me how I made him mismatch the signals from pain with pleasure, I wouldn't know what to say. It wasn't like I knew when that happened for me either.

But whether Jungkook got used to it now or long ago, it still didn't change the fact that it looked bad. And I felt bad.

That is why after I'd fuck him for hours, I'd be applying all kinds of ointment on every single mark. The pharmacists I went to probably thought I was doing exactly what I was doing after I'd tried to describe what I needed help to heal in other words that didn't state any action that caused said injuries.

But when he asked me to spit in his mouth after I stopped doing it, I couldn't say no. When he told me to go faster when I tried to go so slow while thinking about something else to keep myself steady, I couldn't say no. And when he started choking himself while I was fucking him, I wanted to do it for him.

He was hiding his bruises and marks with big clothes even when it was not cold at all. He was hiding his exhaustion from others by not complaining about me keeping him up even if he'd be falling asleep in class. He would only scold me when someone was in the room. But if it was the two of us, then to my knowledge, I haven't done anything else that he didn't like anymore.

I kept asking and asking. To the point of redundancy.

And to be sure, without a shadow of a doubt, I'd stop doing things to him just to see if he'd ask for them after.

And he did.

The only thing he didn't ask for was…the frequency.

That was my problem. That…I didn't dare ask about. But after a while, I thought I got it in check since I was able to take a break when his body looked too used or his genitals got too red and swollen.

But I couldn't help, but be ashamed of what I was doing to my now, willing boyfriend.

Because even if he seemed to want it, there was a part of me that didn't believe him.

And another part believed he'd replaced the oblivion from drugs with the one I also got from sex.

He exchanged one addiction for another.

And I was enabling him and he was enabling me.

There were nights that he would spend in Malek's room, playing video games. And I tried my best not to call or bother him at all during those hours.

It was his time alone.

One activity he did alone.

Because I seemed to have taken every other minute of his life away.

I was painfully conscious of how obsessed I've become. How attached. How in love. And out of control.

The others were too. But Bambi and V were not shy to tell me that this was not healthy.

But I didn't have it in me to say: I know. But I am happy.

Happy until the sleeve would reveal the bruises around his wrists. Happy until I'd touch him innocently and he'd flinch because he was too sensitive and weak now. Happy until he started losing weight because we wouldn't eat after for hours on end of screwing. And then we'd just pass out.

Happy until V screamed at me: "You're being selfish. Don't you see it?"

And I'd argue with: "He wants it. Why are you always scolding me? Talk to him too."

"What's the point?! You're the one doing it!"

"He tells me to touch him."

"Every day?"

"It's not every day."

"This whole week. Not one day passed! You know, how I know? Ask Jimin, because he knows how long I've been sleeping in your bed!"

I wanted to apologize.

I wanted to say I'd change.

Do better.

But then I'd be in the same room with Jungkook and when I'd touch his thigh, he'd get this look on his face that told me he got turned on.

I'd brush some hairs back and he'd look down.

He wouldn't be able to look me in the eye when my hands would slip to his crotch.

But he wouldn't move an inch as I'd rub the growing erection.

"Sorry. We were studying." I said this sentence more than twenty times.

And then he'd just catch my hand when I'd retract it. He'd put it back where it was without saying a word.

Nonverbally telling me to: Keep going.

And I would.

I would shamelessly tease his front and slip the other hand down his back to finger him.

And he'd close his eyes, breathe louder and let me.

The little things he did meant that he wanted to do it.

Things that no one would believe me were clear signs if I were to be asked in court.

Like sitting on me instead of sitting on the chair. And rubbing his ass on my crotch to get me hard as I'd lick his neck and pinch his nipples.

Things like kissing under my chin in the morning and then sucking on my Adam's apple.

Things like sucking on a pen or pencil in class.

Sliding his finger between my fingers right before going into the shower stall.

Coming to jog with me only to randomly suggest we take a walk in the woods.

I wanted to know if I was making everything up in my head.

So, after fucking him on the chairs of his desk, jerking him off in his bed with V sleeping, fucking him in the bathroom, and rimming him in the shower. Or even after fucking him up against a tree.

I'd put a hand on his ass and ask: "Do you want me to fuck you?"

And he'd nod each time.

Although he consented to everything, I still couldn't hold my ground whether V or Bambi would accuse me of doing it too often, too rough, or taking advantage of an addiction recovering individual.

Because I was his first.

And second, and third. And all Jungkook knew in bed was from me. All that has been ever done to him besides a few slips with V have been my doing. Whatever he got accustomed to, I accustomed him to it.

Whatever his body craved now, was because I fed it to him.

In a way.

Because he agreed to it and grew to like it, that didn't mean it wasn't my fault that he started liking it in the first place.

And then the problem arose: 'Why do I like it even if I feel guilty after I've filled him with cum?'

After we were spent, I'd still use the last of my energy to take care of the wounds that I created. After I'd apologize for the things that he agreed to. I still felt like I had done something bad although he looked like he was in ecstasy while I was doing anything I wanted to him.

'How do I enjoy normal sex and more importantly, how do I make him enjoy it too?'

This and many other questions, I've drunkenly asked Bambi at 4 AM while Jungkook was playing a shooter in Malek's room.

"Go see a professional." He suggested.

"I can't…You know I can't cause then I'll have to talk about illegal shit and they'll just lock me up."

"You can avoid it."

"I can't avoid it, Bambi. Jungkook too…I think he's using it to escape the mundane by me…doing stuff to him."

Bambi sighed and took a sip of his beer.

"Have you tried doing it normally at least once though?"

I pondered and let my head hit the wall behind me.

"I did but…just in case, what is normal?"

Bambi blinked multiple times before scratching his nose.

"You know. Kissing. And doing it at a normal pace."

"Maybe that's it. Maybe I don't know what a normal pace is…" I said with sadness, rather than a eureka moment. Quietly assuming that his body wouldn't probably look like this if that was the norm.

"How do I explain this…?"

Bambi was starting to blush as he took my hand and tapped on it relatively slowly."

"That can't be the normal pace!" I complained, terrified.

"But how do you do it?"

I tapped on his finger as fast as I humanly could and watched his mouth hanging agape.

"For hours?!" He screamed.

"Shhh."

I covered his mouth as he kept staring at me, worried.

"How?"

"I don't know. I like the feeling." I stated, simply.

"But how do you not…okay…did you check if you don't have a medical problem?"

"I did."

"And?"

I shrugged.

"Nothing's wrong."

He squinted his eyes and took a big gulp before saying:

"The medical field has failed you, my friend."

"Besides kissing and fucking. What else?"

"What do you mean, what else?"

"No slapping?"

"Well…sure. But gently."

"What's gentle exactly?"

He slapped my thigh so softly that I felt like crying. Instead, I let myself fall to the floor as he looked at me going down with a bewildered expression.

"Aren't you beating him up? Basically? I saw some wounds but like…I thought it was once in a while or…"

"I swear he said he likes it." I defended myself again.

"I know he likes it. But the fact that he does, doesn't change the fact that you do it too often and from what you're saying, you're too rough with him."

My eyes widened as I took in what he said.

"You asked him if he likes it?"

"Of course."

"And what did he say?"

"That he does."

"And?"

"Will you stop asking for validation for your kink?" He snapped.

"It is a kink, isn't it? Hurting him…"

"He's enjoying it so it's not hurting him…it's more like…a…I can't find the words for it."

"A lot of people do it like this?"

"I am sure there are a lot. Look it up."

"But then…why do I feel guilty Jimin?"

"Maybe…because satisfying your kink isn't all you want to do with him?"

"I am not. I take him out on dates. I study with him. I exercise with him. I shower with him. I sleep with him. I watch shows with him. I even started playing that dumb game…too and I hate it."

"How many of those activities end with sex?"

I swallowed.

"Sex addiction." He concluded and downed the rest of the beer.

"It's not an addiction," I said, not sounding very confident, and straightened up. Letting my head hit the wall with a bang.

"If it was not an addiction then you'd be in control of it. If you were in control of it then you'd stop doing it when you feel guilty about it." He spoke softly, and then shouted: "But you can't which is why we're having this conversation!"

"But…I don't want to do it to anyone else like…I only want Jungkook."

He arched an eyebrow and mocked:

"As if addicts don't have a drug of choice."

"Don't…" I ruffled my hair and then let my head hang low. Heard my voice crack as I went on: "Don't say it like that cause it feels…when you call it a kink or an addiction it hurts…me. It's so much more than that. It's the time I spend with him. When I can look only at him. When he only loks at me. When I am the closest to him…saying it like it's nothing but a…kink. Makes it seem… lesser."

"I am…sorry."

"But maybe that's it. He's more to me and yet I am raping him."

"He's consenting to it."

"It looks like rape. It feels like rape. It's consensual rape."

"Stop saying rape Namjoon. It's just rough sex."

I looked up, chuckling.

"Fucking you until you can't cum anymore, move or have any clear patch of skin is rough sex?"

"Some…times. It's not like you hit him. Right?"

I looked down.

"Right?!"

"He asked me to slap his face."

"Hard?"

"I couldn't do it hard. I…didn't want to. But he asked me to." I shrugged and opened another beer.

"Then why did you do it?"

"He asked me to."

"Why do you think he asked you too?"

"I don't know…I've never slapped him before. Or I don't think so. I don't know where he'd get that kink from."

"It's not much different than being …well, it's in the same area of what you guys have been doing already so I don't find it that weird that he wanted that."

"It is different."

"How?"

The confusion was replaced with a frown as he watched me gulp down the room-temperature beer.

"Namjoon. Stop drinking. I told Jungkook you wouldn't get drunk."

"Tell him you failed."

"Ok. But how is it different?"

"I don't know how to explain it. It just feels different to me. Hitting instead of squeezing and…pulling, twisting, spitting, ripping…biting."

Bambi covered his face in his hands as he listened to me enumerate the actions.

"Namjoon, I don't know how to help you. You need someone who specializes in it or I don't know, read a book?"

"The thing is…even if I were able, by some sick miracle…" I hiccupped and felt myself welling up as I continued, "… to…let him go. To let him find someone else. I think I got him hooked on it now. And it's all my fault. And someone else might actually hurt him. Cause he asked me to…he asked me ….to…"

I let the can go, and hugged my knees, starting to cry without wanting to.

"He…"

"It's not your fault, Namjoon. You weren't born like this."

Jimin sat next to me and side hugged me as I silently sobbed.

"No…but I made him like me. I should've just done him normally. I should've controlled myself. It's only been a few months…and I am choking him until he faints and then he fucking smiles sometimes."

"Namjoon…liking to be choked is not a sin. It's not bad. People enjoy the loss of control. I do too sometimes. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it."

"But that's the thing…he thinks I am in control."

As I said this, I lifted my head realizing something that made my whole body hurt.

"Namjoon…you're drunk…"

"But I am not." I turned to look at Jimin, with tears flowing down and wide, unblinking eyes. "I lost control after Fred died…I just…pretend I am in control but I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I might've fucked up the only person who I ever loved because I am…"

"Shh…"

He softly guided my head to his chest and as I hugged him, he said: "You guys went through the worst stuff, Namjoon. And like you said, he's smiling. He's not in pain. Or pain that he can't take... And sure, you can try to go easier on his body, but that doesn't mean you want to hurt him. You do it because you know it feels good."

"But I don't think he felt that good before…he hated it before. What happened? What did I do?"

"It's not inherently a bad thing. It's…you showed him it can be enjoyable. That's all you did and if he was someone who didn't like it rough then he would've hated it no matter what you did."

"You don't understand Bambi…" I cried out as I hugged him tighter and swayed him back and forth.

"Eh…don't squeeze so…"

"You don't understand what I've done to him." I elongated every word, hiccupping here and there.

"Then help me understand!"

I held him still and looked up from his chest and I could've sworn I saw him swallow.

"Namjoon?"

I pushed him down with little to no force.

He just fell.

I crawled on top of him and then turned him on his belly.

"Namjoon, don't...what are you…"

I pinned his hands on his lower back, pulled on his hair to get him to get up on his knees on his own, and then squeezed his neck as I thrust into him once with not even a hint of erection.

"Imagine I'm taking your pants off now," I told him in a deadpan tone.

"Namjoon…"

"And then I fuck you until you can't move. I squeeze your neck harder until you can't breathe. I slap you until you beg. Fed you your own cum. Not let you control a thing… not let you touch yourself or cum sometimes. Imagine you…feel not only like a girl. Cause he always says he feels like a girl but like…like…you can't help but feel everything I am forcing you to feel, be it pain or pleasure and I won't stop even after you can't take it anymore. That's when I like it best... when he can't take it anymore…and he begs and cries but..."

"I ...understand." He whispered.

"You don't understand. I can't keep my hands off him. Every time I look at him…I can't stop thinking about him…wanting to subdue him as if that will make him stay…as if…if I keep him under me, he won't be able to look around…"

"Namjoon. I think you might be punishing him for something he didn't do yet…"

"He did leave me twice…no…three times."

"But he came back."

"Once. He did it on his own accord. The other times, it was all me."

"Can you, let me go, please?"

I let go of his wrists and watched him scoot back as he rubbed them.

"Talk to him about it. Talk about his plans for the future."

I titled my head at his words, asking: "What does that have to do with sex?"

Jimin looked up from his wrists with angry eyes.

"The sex is not the problem. Can't you see?"

"No."

He let out a squeal to let me know he was annoyed at my reply.

"But you just said it yourself! The reason why you do it."

"What did I say?"

"God damn it Namjoon. Listen to me."

He grabbed me by the cheeks and spat the words out carefully, and slowly: "You fuck him as often as you can so he doesn't have time to find someone else. You fuck him the way you do so he knows you're his, so he doesn't need anyone else to satisfy him, so he…gets dependent on you. I don't know…so he's too exhausted to run away."

"Why would he run away?"

"I don't know! But you seem to think he wants to leave you."

I squinted my eyes, hiccupped, and asked: "Does he?"

"I don't think he does, but you seem afraid he might regardless of what he does."

I nodded.

"That feels true," I told him and myself.

Bambi nodded as well, releasing my face and showing me his open palm.

I looked at it, more confused than before.

"Now pay me." He demanded.

"Huh?"

"Therapy fee."

I smiled.

He smiled.

And then he slapped me with the same hand.

"What the…"

"Never pin me down like that ever again Kim Namjoon. I understand that your boyfriend is twisted but I am not into complete loss of control. Or demonstrative…whatever that was. Never do it again!"

"Ok."

"Now. Go talk to him."

"Now?"

I was rubbing my cheek, feeling tired all of a sudden.

"I think you'll forget it until tomorrow and I want to go to sleep."

"But Malek…"

"Malek will leave the second you mention the word sex. Unless he's asleep cause it's…fuck, it's almost five am. Go!"

By the time I made it to Malek's room I was certain that Jungkook was either asleep or back in our dorm room. But he was still tapping on the keyboard with his headphones on.

I looked at him from the door and thought: 'If I go in…Ah, if I don't go in…'

"Namjoon?"

Jungkook asked, taking the earphones off, and turning around after pausing the game.

"Why's the door open?" I asked him without thinking about it.

"It's gotten too hot in here, because of the computer, and…what's wrong?"

I walked up to him and let myself collapse by his legs, resting my head on his lap and hugging his calves.

"How much beer did you have?" He whispered, sniffing me. And then checked if Malek was still asleep as soon as he heard me ask:

"Why do you like it?"

"Why do I like what?"

"No…that's the wrong question."

"Namjoon, let's talk outside."

I looked up as he left the earphones on the desk.

"How long do you plan on being with me?"

"Huh?"

"Do you think of leaving me? Do you…like someone else? V or…anyone?"

"What's gotten into you?" He chuckled and cupped my cheek as I stared into his eyes.

"Answer me…please…"

I wanted to sound tough but I felt a tear escaping and wetting my right cheek.

"No…I swear. I didn't even think of anyone else. Namjoon, who lied to you?"

I buried my head in between his legs and hugged his calves tighter as he caressed the top of my head.

"I don't want to hurt you during sex but I keep doing it."

The hand stopped caressing for a second.

I kept going: "And Jimin said…no…I think I want to control everything so you don't leave me. I don't want you to be unhappy with me…I don't want you to want me to hurt you…but you do and…"

"I am not unhappy and you're not…"

I cut him off.

"You didn't want it at first. You didn't want me to touch you at all and now…you wanted me to hit you…"

"That's because it feels good."

"It shouldn't feel good."

"I know."

"Then why doesn't it feel good?"

"I…don't know."

"You're not lying to me, aren't you?"

"No. Namjoon…I am not."

He kept caressing my hair as I kept letting the tears fall. Feeling weak and pathetic.

But as I kept thinking how much I'd regret it tomorrow; I couldn't stop myself from saying it:

"I don't want you to leave me…"

"I don't you to leave me either."

"I won't."

"I won't either," He promised. I hugged him tighter.

"Then why are you so sad Namjoon?"

"I don't…believe you…"

"…"

" I don't know why but I don't think I believe you…."

"That's ok."

I lifted my head, swallowed the tears that made it down my neck, and shouted in the middle of Malek and his roommate's sleeping bodies when he smiled: "HOW THE FUCK IS THAT OK?!"

"Shh!"

A startled Malek talked from behind Jungkook as the roommate groaned behind me.

"What the heck are you shouting…Eh? Why is Namjoon crying?"

I ignored them both.

"How is it ok? How? IN WHAT WORLD? I ruined you…"

"Let's talk outside."

"That's a stellar idea." The roommate agreed.

"No." I stood my ground as Jungkook tried to get me to stand up. "Tell me! How?!"

Jungkook sighed and talked fast, but confidently:

"Because I didn't believe a lot of things were possible a year ago either but here we are. Things change. You will see with time that I'll stay. Ok? Now can drink some water and breathe some fresh air?"

"Another stellar idea."

"But why would you?" I asked, full of doubt.

"Because I…why do you want to stay with me? It's the same reason."

"I don't believe you."

"You will believe me when you'll see it happening!" He screamed. I kept my eyes narrowed.

"Jungkook, give him some water…it's in the fridge, and…"

"Please, Namjoon. Come with me?"

He showed me his hand and I took it.

For some reason, we both got up at the same time.

And after he took the water from the fridge and walked towards the exit of the building, I followed without falling over once.

We sat on the stairs with the wind slapping our faces from time to time.

And the water didn't do anything but I still drank it.

"Better?" He asked.

"No," I said, like a child.

"Namjoon, trust me. You'll see. I won't leave you."

"But what if someone kidnaps you?"

"I'll escape."

"What if you get hit by a car?"

"I'll survive."

"What if you… don't?"

"I promise we'll meet in the next life too."

"But why do you like me? I forced you to…be with me."

"At first…"

"And then you stood with me for the drugs?"

"Not entirely.."

"And now…I don't understand."

"I can't be with you for you?" He snapped.

"It's for the sex, right? You like the way I fuck you now so…"

And I got slapped the second time that night.

So hard that my neck hurt after my face got moved to the other side.

"You talk like all of those didn't involve being you at all. And it's pissing me off."

I touched my cheek and then looked at him with nothing short of astonishment.

"Do it again." I asked with wide eyes.

"I'll kill you."

"Do it."

"You're so annoying!"

"That's what I keep trying to tell you!"

"I thought you were smart!"

"I am!"

"You said I stayed because you forced me, for drugs and sex and…whatever. Those are all you. They're things you've done. Not separate from you."

"Your point?"

"After you told me to kill you after you…ended some lives, I told you that it makes no sense after all you've done to me that I still like you. But I do."

"That's what I am saying! Love makes no sense! And I hate using that word…for some reason."

"So, the reason you stay with me makes no sense."

"Exactly. Now you're getting it."

I grabbed his throat and wiped the smile off his face.

"How the hell do I make sure that you'll stay beside me if it makes no sense?"

"You don't, you just…talk to me. Listen to me. And we're outside…don't…squeeze. I…ah."

"When did you start liking it?"

"Ah…Sto…"

"When did you start getting turned on by me hurting you?"

"I don't…rem..e..mber.."

"Was it before you met me? Or was it all my fault?"

"Nam…"

I looked down between his legs and felt satisfied cause he was no longer in control. And then let go with sudden guilt. Watched him cough as I was drowning in the guilt.

'Why did I do that?'

"Were you a masochist before you met me?" I asked.

"Hah…Do you want to be absolved of guilt? Is that it…? Fine. I was burning myself with cigarettes to cum before I met you. Happy?"

"I am being serious."

"And I am telling you that I've always liked stuff that was not good for me!"

"Then you admit I am not good for you."

"I'll slap you again. I swear to God…"

"No. Really. Look at your wrists…your chest and…"

"I can't believe you! You've told me that you want me to stop enjoying it after I started enjoying it so you don't feel like you've tainted me!?"

"Yes."

"Alright then! I will kick and scream from now on. So, make sure you tie me to the bed…and…"

He didn't expect me to hug him which is why I think he did push me a bit before he realized, and then wrapped his arms around me too.

"Namjoon?"

"I am sorry."

"I am telling you; we are just compatible. I don't think it's all your fault. I don't think it's all my fault…I don't think it's anyone's fault."

"It's my fault."

"Then take responsibility."

"How?"

"Keep doing it but a bit less often… if you can."

I chuckled. Only to admit darkly:

"I think I broke you, Jungkook."

"It's fine. I wasn't exactly whole, to begin with."

"But I want to do you…nicer sometimes…"

"Then do it. Who's stopping you?"

"Unless you want to leave me."

I got a slap on the back this time.

"I keep telling you I can't even go to class without you and you think I want to leave you! Have you lost your mind?"

"But one day you'll be able to…"

"Maybe…"

"And when you do, you might find someone else…and…"

"Namjoon. Sometimes I think you'll cheat on me with Jimin."

I pulled back to look at his face, and check if he wasn't joking. He was a bit blurry but no smile on his face.

But just to make sure, I asked: "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. But I have to trust you. Cause I want you to have friends and …look. All I am saying is that you can leave me too. You're not tied to me in any way. I am not the only one for you. It's a choice. Being together. And as long as both of us keep making that choice, then we'll be fine. There's nothing to worry about."

"I would never cheat on you."

"I know."

"But you just said!"

"It's an irrational fear! I know it is! But it's still there. However, with time…I will see if it was irrational or not. But until then…I can't believe it…I am quoting my therapist!"

"Did you kiss V again?"

"What?!NO!"

"Why not?"

"Because I am fine with you now."

"Fine?!"

" I am…a…will you stop twisting my words?! I am happy with you. You are enough. You are more than enough. You're too much. I don't need anyone else and I don't want anyone else. Now drink some water and let's go to sle…"

I kissed him but I didn't shove my tongue in.

I just kept my lips on top of his lips.

We held each other.

Without speaking.

Not touching anything else but our chests and backs.

I kept planting kisses on his face and he kept planting kisses on my neck.

By the time we were heading to my room, the night was no longer as black.

V was still asleep when we went in and got under the covers after changing clothes in silence.

We fell asleep embraced and woke up in the middle of the afternoon.

I had a slight hangover but I felt content with holding him alone.

I didn't know how long the peaceful feeling was going to last.

And I was not assuming it could last forever.

But I wanted to enjoy it cause, for now, I knew he was mine.

Because he wanted to.

As he opened his eyes and hugged me too, I reached out for my phone and started going through the agenda.

"Who are you calling?" Jungkook asked after a yawn.

"Fred."

He covered my screen with his hand. Took the phone and put it behind him.

I was confused for a second until the sadness on his face had me covering my eyes.

"I…sorry."

He shook his head. And asked:

"What did you want to tell him?"

"That I think you might finally like me…"

"And what would he say to that?"

"Good job, kid. You finally wore him down."