Darker Waters (Special)

AN: This chapter is from Namjoon's perspective. Enjoy:

The waves were dark and so was the sky.

The sound of their crash was loud, but not loud enough to overpower his voice.

"I told you we'll get here quickly. Didn't I?"

"You've said a lot of things lately, Jungkook."

He smiled and played with the lighter from inside the pocket of his jacket.

But I could only see the lifted left corner of his mouth and hairs that flew towards the sea, obstructing his eyes.

"Then let's sleep for a bit and then leave."

He nodded, so I started walking away.

But Jungkook didn't follow.

"Aren't you coming?"

"I'm going to stay here a bit more.."

I walked away and headed for the hotel.

Without looking back, I marched inside and up to our room with heavy steps. And a heavy body.

I went in, turned on the lights, and plopped into bed without changing.

Shut my eyes and hoped sleep will embrace me fast.

And despite my busy mind, it did.

I woke up because of Jungkook's insistent yelling from the bathroom.

"What?" I yawned loudly.

"Get dressed!"

"What time is it?"

"One thirty AM!"

"You ready?!"

"Yeah."

He was smoking his cigarette while I was changing clothes. Suddenly, I wished I didn't notice that he didn't even glance at me.

I checked on his state using the reflection of the long closet mirror.

We walked out half an hour later dressed in all black and with the hoodie on.

It was cold outside, and yet, the taxi was too warm.

When we made it inside the club, my body went stiff.

I watched him move through people like a spear through the water.

Followed closely behind him with my hands buried in my pockets.

We ended up in the bathroom after having a drink.

Waiting for someone to show up in silence.

He smoked three cigarettes in a row.

He reached out to pull out the fourth when someone burst into the quiet, dirty room, laughing.

While the other pointed out how good they were all feeling. How he didn't expect it.

Jungkook put out the half-smoked cigarette number four.

He waited for one to go into a stall before walking up to the guy who was fixing his hair while staring in the mirror.

"Hey. Got anything for sale?" Jungkook asked, quite confident.

The guy gave him an up-and-down and grinned.

"Not selling to people like you."

"People like me?"

"How old are you, kiddo?"

Jungkook grinned. But only for a moment. Pointing at me.

"The guy behind me has been a dealer since he was young. Now, he would love to tell you how many years we've known each other and I can tell you the exact number of years that I've lived without him. And then you can add both and find out my age. What do you say?"

"Are you insane?" He snapped, quietly. Blinking once.

I took one step forward and the guy switched his attention from the shorter man to me. And then looked down, slightly irritated.

"Pills." He blurted out.

"Which ones?"

"Blue and pink. How many do you want?"

"Two and two."

I clenched my teeth. Watched them exchange a baggy for cash and then watched the guy who has been pissing stumble towards them confused. Asking:

"What are you doing?"

Before he could wash his hands, the tall guy gripped his arm and forced him out the door.

"What up man? Let go."

I sighed the second they were gone.

And I was free to watch Jungkook take out two pills and swallow them without water. Leaving the knife to hang in my pocket like an afterthought.

"I said only one," I reminded him in a deadpan tone.

"It's fine. Do you want...?"

I shook my head.

He put the bag in the secret pocket of his black jacket and turned on his heel.

"Drink water," I demanded.

He turned to look at me with two round eyes, and pouty lips. Whispering: "How about we buy a whole bottle?"

I started walking towards him, but he walked out before I reached him.

We bought the overpriced water.

We danced slowly to the beat.

We smoked normal cigarettes by the entrance.

We were simply hanging against the wall when I started feeling slightly off.

"Jungkook…"

"Yeah?"

"Did you put something in my water?"

His tone didn't change, nor him looking into the far distance with empty eyes when he said: "Only half of one."

That's when, grinding my teeth, I turned him around roughly by the shoulder.

"What the fuck?!" I yelled, concealed greatly by the loud music.

"I told you that I wanted to have fun!"

"And I told you that you can have fun without me!"

"You're here so I am not exactly without you!"

"THAT'S TOO BAD FOR YOU, ISN'T IT?"

He squinted his eyes and walked away.

I followed him.

Not quickly enough but I blamed the people I had to push aside.

Not quickly enough but I blamed how the lights and the shadowy silhouettes were moving from side to side. Like they were water.

Jungkook's back looked solid, though. Like it always did.

Just a bit smaller. Just a bit farther away. Contoured by a red, or burnt orange halo.

It didn't take long and we were out on the wet street, in the parking lot behind the venue. I was running after him so I could catch hold of him.

It worked, but he pushed his arm back as if I had hurt him with just one touch.

"You are not blaming this on me now, are you?!"

"Namjoon, just stop."

"I told you. You can do whatever you want."

"You don't mean that..."

"Really? You think I haven't been nice at all?!"

"No! You've been acting stupid!"

There was a brief silence hanging between us and then there was my audible, ironic smirk.

"You're the one who dropped out of university, Jungkook! You're the one who had a breakdown. I was by your side. I've never left. I took the year off too. What more do you want from me?!"

"Leave me alone!"

He turned to leave and I caught the back of his neck on instinct.

"No." I told him and myself.

I felt him trying to tear my fingers away despite not looking.

"Listen to me." I requested with a decisive whisper.

He shouted: "I didn't tell you to quit! I didn't want you to quit! When did I ever…"

"IT'S DONE NOW. SO, MOVE ON."

"Move on?! You move on, you rapist, son of a bitch!"

I squeezed.

And then someone else voice covered the sounds of him choking.

"Sir?! Sir. What are you doing? Please stop right there!"

I did stop to grab Jungkook's arm while he was coughing. I ran away holding his hand.

It took him a while to go faster, but when he did, it seemed like he was fine.

The cop didn't make it up to us and he, holding my hand too was enough for me to know we were fine.

We were still fine.

We have been saying and thinking about the word fine lately until it stopped meaning anything.

We ran until we caught a taxi and traveled back to the hotel.

I was seeing golden flashes of light exploding in the windows.

And Jungkook was making glowing circles in the palms of my hand with his head on my shoulder.

I knew it was because he was out of his mind.

But I found it comforting.

Warmth radiated off him like the sun.

My lips felt dry.

"The Red Whale Hotel?"

"Yes," I said, without thinking.

Jungkook straightened up.

Through a dream, we made it up the stairs, and finding the pass that unlocked the door took more than it probably should.

As soon as both fell on the bed, me on his back. We shut our eyes.

"Get off me." Jungkook breathed out with a raspy tone.

"No."

"You're heavy…"

"Thanks."

I wrapped my arms around his middle and turned him around.

"Namjoon…" He breathed out again, complaining of having been moved and me leaning in at the same time.

"What?"

"I don't want to do it."

"Isn't that why you drugged me?"

"No. I drugged you so we wouldn't do it."

"Too bad it backfired then."

I mumbled, putting my lips on his lips, and a small fist made it to my chest in the next second. And then another one as I struggled to catch the wrists and keep his legs from moving at the same time.

He bit my lip to make me pull away, but I enjoyed it.

Pinned his hands above his head with one hand and lifted the many layers of clothes with the other.

"F..fof..fjonwo…"

He kept trying to speak, but I kept pinching his nipple and smiling with lip blood coming out of my bottom lip.

Tongue still moving inside his mouth.

I let go of his hands for just a second and just as expected, he pushed me away once with all his force and then turned in the opposite direction to crawl away, but I pushed his head down the moment he turned on his belly and sat on his thighs.

And kept his head on the white covers despite the muffled verbal complaints. He kept trying to push himself up on unsteady hands.

Yet, it was so easy to hold him down that it was borderline tragic.

Pulling his pants down was just as easy.

Using his clothes to tie his hands behind his back, was even easier.

Silencing him with a piece of ripped T-shirt around his mouth was a courtesy.

Entering him without preparation, was a joy.

Watching him squirm and cry out was a visual orgasm.

And after a few jerks of his small cock, he'd ejaculate as if he was the one who was turned on.

I didn't know if having sex was enjoyable anymore.

But it was necessary.

It was the only time I got to touch him.

When I would force him to.

Initiate it. Do it. And end it.

His anger and physical random rejections stopped bothering me.

Fucking him also kept him still for a moment.

Kept him under me.

Kept him safe.

Especially when he was tripping.

While I couldn't stop abusing his hole with no regard for his pleasure.

I scratched and I bit. Slapped and licked.

His back was a mess.

His tears were salty.

His ass wasn't tight at all.

It felt so good.

And so bad.

I could tell if I was doing it too roughly when he started trembling.

So, I turned him on his side and fucked him with his legs up to his chest.

I grabbed his breast and slapped it.

Grabbed his cheek and slapped it.

Grabbed his neck and squeezed.

His eyes rolled back as he came without me touching him.

It was nice.

It was warm.

He looked beautiful.

And alive.

High.

Mine.

I didn't know how long I continued to fuck him, nor did I check. But when his eyes shut and his skin looked redder than before, I slapped his face and ass until he woke up and looked up at me in a daze.

To hear me say: "I'm not done."

I untied the cloth that he's been salivating on for a long time and threw it to the side. As I was doing this, I heard him sputtering: "Fuck you."

"Always."

I said, smiling and thrust into him harder, making it hurt. Making his face contort.

His lips quivered as I pulled on his hair and looked at his face for a long, long time.

"Your mouth."

That was all I said after I pulled out, turned him on his back and sat on his chest, and forced his head up with my hands and my dick in.

"If you bite," I warned. "There will be round two. And round two will end up with you drinking more than my cum."

It was probably hard to bite as I was shoving it in.

But I wanted to make sure.

Slapped his jaw to get it to relax. Widen up. Anything to get it in.

Watched his tears and saliva dripping down his face while I thrust into him without being able to form a coherent thought.

I caressed the top of his head.

And kept caressing it while I ejaculated down his throat and that's when his teeth made contact with skin that they shouldn't touch.

Got up, and got a drink of water. Had half of it and poured the other into Jungkook's openly forced mouth.

When he put his left cheek on the mattress and closed his eyes. I laughed.

Dragged him by the foot right off the bed, onto the floor, and into the bathroom.

"No! No…Namjoon… I am sorry. Namjoon?"

"What are you sorry for? There's nothing to be sorry for."

I said as I kept dragging his body toward the bathroom which looked a bit off. Albeit, I almost forgot I was still a bit high until the toilet look crooked.

When we made it inside, I turned on the tap to the bathtub and watched him trying to get up and away.

"I'll be good from now on. I mean... I'll listen to you." He claimed.

"Really? Is that why we're here?"

"I'll be good. I swear. Don't…"

I took his pants off as he thrashed his feet and kicked at my arms.

"Sit still or I'll make it worse."

He nodded, looking genuinely afraid. Making it harder for me to do stuff to him. Making it harder to keep it together.

He stood perfectly still, gaze downcast, as I took the pants down all the way.

Watched the water filling while smoking one of his cigarettes.

Watching him begging, making empty promises, and making me half hard.

By the time his head was under the water and my dick was in his ass, outside the bathtub. Jungkook was rock solid.

But it took longer for him to come.

Maybe because he was afraid.

Nonetheless, I liked it when I let his head come out of the water and he started shaking more instead of less.

"I need to go to the bathroom…" I sang.

"No…Pleahes...pleaese..." He begged while catching his breath as I grabbed his hair, turned him around, and shoved it deep in his mouth after playing with the tip of his tongue for a few seconds. After I pushed it until I knew he couldn't be able to spit it out, I started peeing while water was dripping from his hair and skin.

He gulped it down, eyes closed.

I forgot to blink, letting go of his head, and watched him gagging and coughing close to the floor.

Squatted down and patted his ass.

"Let's get washed."

"Fuck you." He whispered.

I smiled. Picked him up and dropped him slightly above the water.

He groaned at the harsh contact on his already abused behind only to relax after.

I undressed and hopped into the other side of the tub.

I asked: "How are you feeling?"

As he still seemed to try to swallow something or keep it down.

The water was warm, but he was still shaking.

"I told you I'll…"

"You say a lot of things, but none of them are true." I reminded him with a bitter smile.

"I still think I should consent when…"

I arched my leg and slid my foot between his legs. Moving it up and down his genitals, not caring if it was pleasant on not.

Sooner than later, he got hard as he was trying to get rid of the foot.

"That's consent. Right there!" I pointed out loudly.

"Namjoon, please…let me sleep. I am so tired…"

"Now you're tired? After taking two pills? I thought you couldn't sleep on them."

"You .... you made me tired…ah…"

I caught his tip between two toes and jerked him off using them. He was hard, despite looking like he was about to throw up.

"Go on. I make you tired and?"

"I can't… take it anymore."

"I also didn't want to get my drink spiked today. But guess what, life just happens. Even when we are the ones making it happen," I argued, holding my head up with my hand. Elbow on the edge of the tub.

"Stop…rubbing…it…"

"Why? You seem to be enjoying it."

"I am not."

"Stop lying to me."

"You want to fuck me again so why are you holding back? Ha? Or do you need a break now? You feel older now?" He spat those questions looking down, shaking from the waist down. Eyes glaring at me from between the curled wet black locks.

I grinned and kicked his genitals with the end of my feet.

He leaned forwards in pain, breathing heavily.

"Do you want to sleep anytime soon? Cause I think I can keep going until you pass out and after you pass out too."

"Fuck you." He spat through clenched teeth.

"For someone who wants to not be touched, you talk a lot about fucking."

"Get your foot away from…"

"And I, as a loving boyfriend, can't ignore your wishes. Like you did today when you bought four instead of one pill."

I grabbed a fistful of hair as he was slouched over the water and pulled him towards me.

He made it above my middle on shaky knees and fell on my chest without a choice.

"Come on. Faster. We're losing moonlight." I feigned the complaint as I positioned his asshole right where I wanted it to be. Under my cockhead.

And pushed him down.

He gasped, raising his head. Looking at the ceiling as I thrust up and caught his nipple between my teeth.

He was crying at this point, but moaning too.

His erection flew up and down with him. The warm water spilled out. Moans spilled out too.

My whole dick was buried in his ass as he sat down and joined his forehead with mine.

"I hate you." He let me know.

And then he kissed my lips, tongue first.

I met his tongue with mine and circled his many times before he caught mine between his lips, and sucked on it.

I rammed it into him faster, bending my knees as best as I could.

He kept moaning into my mouth and when he tried to speak, I knew exactly what he wanted so I grabbed his cock and twisted it until he screamed and came at the same time.

Jungkook was spent after that. Slouched over my chest. Breathing and moaning against my left shoulder while I kept fucking his ass.

There were no more words to be said.

There was nothing but the sounds of the water. Flesh against flesh. And his guttural groans and low moans.

I kept going for a while until the water got cold. Hence, I picked him up, walked out of the tub, and sat him on the toilet.

Forced his legs apart and started sucking his limp cock off while he shook his head slowly.

It twitched from the contact. The red thing twitched. As he got harder and harder, groaning more and more as I cupped his balls and pulled on them until I was sure it hurt.

There was no fun if he did orgasm so I let it fall out of my mouth and spat on it as it snapped against his heaving abdomen.

I lifted and motioned him to get up, but he didn't react. Back against the wall, he stood tilted towards the right, like he was about to fall over. Looking at the floor. Hair over his face, cock hard, hands tied and legs opened wide.

I grabbed his right arm up and pushed him towards the opposite wall.

Heard him moaning as soon as his whole front body made contact with the cold tiles.

I glued myself to his back, leaned slightly back, and entered him with ease.

He made a long A sound which ended in a cry.

And then he continued, again and again.

With every thrust, his moaning sounded more like a cry.

But I wasn't worried when he begged: "Touch it. Touch it…it hurts. Touch…"

He despaired while I ignored him, continuing to fill him up and empty him back up.

When he was causing friction by moving up and down the wall, I turned him and held him up in my arms. Back against the wall, I thrust into him until I heard a bone pop.

"Down…I..a…a.a.."

His voice trembled as his body was shaken up and down. Lips forever parted.

And as saliva rolled down the corners of his mouth, his cock went up and down and shoot its load right on my chest while he extended his neck, looking down and behind him. Head, fallen.

His insides clenched up.

"Relax," I demanded while his head flayed up and down. Along with my thrusts.

I carried him by the thighs while still inside him and laid him down on the edge of the bed.

I kept shoving it in while his lips remained in a tight line and his eyes remained closed.

I kept going for four more hours.

When I woke up, he was on the couch, looking at the Tv, smoking.

I found out he had taken another pill by checking the bag because I was certain that I saw him smiling softly.

And he rarely smiled lately.

I took a shower afterward and sat down next to him naked.

Lazily turned my head towards him, the center of my head rotating against the couch.

He didn't even look at me.

"What are you watching?" I inquired, bored.

"Ringo."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"How do you feel?"

"I feel like.... fuck you."

I nodded and reached out to him. He stopped chewing and remained immobile as I tucked his hair behind his ear and said: "Kiss me."

He didn't react.

But let me grab his chin and pull him towards my face.

I stuck my tongue out and let him suck on it.

Released his chin and touched his breast, finding his nipple through the shirt.

He kept sucking.

I took a hold of the material and pulled the rest of his body closer to mine using it.

He had no choice but to fall forwards.

His face ended up right by my chest, unable to reach my face.

"Hmm…" I mumbled and pushed his head against my breast.

And looked down at him licking the dusty nipple obediently.

'Completely out of it.'

"When do you want to go?" I asked.

"Don't know." He breathed on my nipple and then kept licking it.

"Suck. How many times do I have to keep telling you to suck everything?"

He obliged as I slapped his behind lightly.

"He's coming tomorrow." He let me know.

"Did you give him this address?"

"A few blocks down."

"Good."

"Only weed?"

"Yes."

"And? Still no number?"

"He said he'll tell me then."

"And what if it's a cop, huh, Jungkook? We can't bring too much."

His tongue hung slightly out as his cheeks stopped hollowing out.

"Then we'll run."

"You'll have to be sober in order to run well," I informed him, as I caressed his ass.

"Yeah." He said quietly, looking up and into my eyes after a long time.

Opened his mouth and waited for my spit to land on it.

The second his lips closed I leaned in and kissed him. Pushing him back and down on the couch.

We kept kissing like teenagers that didn't know about sex until we ran out of breath.

And then simply turned our heads to look at the movie. My naked body on his clothed one.

I was too tired to do anything else. Too numb to feel anything but the pain in my chest.

And I knew that if I fell asleep, Jungkook would stay awake.

Hence, I tried to stay awake.

And failed.

By the time I woke up, he wasn't under me anymore and the room was a cloud of smoke.

I busted into the bathroom and frowned at the smoking boy.

"We're not allowed to smoke here. Didn't you read the rules?"

"There's a window. It'll let it out." He waved my concern away.

"I don't care. Go downstairs."

"I can't…" He whined, childishly. Swaying from side to side on the toilet seat.

"Why?" I asked in a deadpan tone.

"I don't feel well."

"When do we have to meet the guy?"

"In two hours."

I sighed.

"Let's eat then."

"I am not hungry."

"You are eating." I let him know while washing my face.

"If you put some clothes on." He mocked.

I ironically went "Ha-ha." Tilting my head. "What do you want to eat?"

"Meat."

"What meat?"

"Any meat."

"If I get something and you don't eat it, I swear to god…"

"What? Break my arm?"

"That's not funny."

"That guy was trying to be funny."

The sound of water was all there was to be heard for a hot minute.

"I told him that he's not allowed to flirt with you. I was very clear." I stated, wiping my hands on a towel.

"And I am telling you he was high and didn't know what the fuck you said." He reminded me, leaning forwards, drunkenly. His collarbone sticking out, and hair covered most of his face.

"I don't care. What kind of excuse is that?" I said, throwing the towel in a corner.

"Forget it…"

I walked up to him and snatched his cigarette.

"No. Tell me. Did you like him groping you? Is that it? Sick of me groping you, so now you want other men to do you?"

"Trust me. I don't want any man doing me ever again." He said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Is that right?" I ironically inquired.

"Yes." He sustained his claim, glaring into my eyes suddenly.

I squatted down to his level, maintaining eye contact.

"Again, if you quit, I'll be nicer."

"I am not quitting, Namjoon. And you can go fuck yourse…"

My hand covered his lips in an instant as the sound of someone knocking pierced the silence.

"Go see who it is," I whispered.

"You go." He mumbled as soon as I uncovered his mouth.

"I am naked."

"Then put some clothes on."

I motioned him to get up and watched him walk to the door with fear.

The door opened and the sound of a woman talking had me relaxed slightly as I hid behind the wall and listened in.

"We don't need any cleaning. But thank you." Jungkook told her.

"There were some complaints about strange noises."

"We're sorry. We'll keep it down from now on."

"You better. The people beside this room, above and under This Room are not enjoying being where they are."

"We're sorry. We'll be quieter." He politely promised and then slammed the door in her face after she asked: "Why does it smell like cigarettes?"

"Hey," I whispered.

He turned towards me with bored eyes, the smile erased.

"Come here."

He shook his head.

And walked to the couch where he plummeted down, face first, and turned on the tv saying: "Get ready."

I nodded to no one, turned off the light in the bathroom, and smoked the rest of his cigarette.

There was nothing but the sound of the tv filling the silence for the next fifteen minutes.

We walked out, hoodies on, weapons hidden, face masks on, and heads low.

I had a bad feeling about this.

No matter how many times we wandered around the meeting place and saw no one suspicious, I still couldn't shake the lump that got stuck in my throat.

No matter how many times Jungkook reassured me, I still had a tight grip on the knife.

And when the guy showed up and sat down on the only two stairs by what looked like a grim, abandoned block, I was pleased to see his weak constitution. But not his wicked grin and greenish hair.

"Heya." He told Jungkook, lifting his arm.

Jungkook nodded once and walked up to him in long strides.

I stepped out of the dark and met the stranger's eyes without blinking.

He didn't seem pleased to see me.

"Who's he?" He asked Jungkook.

"My friend."

"Didn't say we can bring our friends too. I would've done it too if I would've known that was the case."

"It's not the case. Only I can bring someone," Jungkook stated simply. With monotony.

"What a smug little guy you are." The man said, chuckling to himself. Slapping his thigh as if to prove it was really that funny.

"How much?" Jungkook asked.

"Ten grams." He said.

'Only ten grams, you motherfucker...' I thought but kept quiet. Kept still. Attentive. Cautious.

For Jungkook.

I didn't care if there was someone behind me about to pierce my back with a blade.

All I cared about was that Jungkook could run. And the problem was that I knew he couldn't run for long.

Jungkook searched through his layers of clothing when I said: "Money."

The guy grinned at me as if he knew something.

As if he expected me to say that.

As if he thought Jungkook would just give him the stuff without it.

But maybe it was all in my head.

After all, he pulled the cash out the next moment and didn't try anything sketchy.

He got his stuff and paid for it. Got up, and made some nervous chitchat with Jungkook about the rain and the quality of the weed.

But I was still paranoid.

I blamed the drugs. But also, the fact that I had no one backing me up.

And those who I had; I didn't want to use.

Cause they were still looking for Fred's boy. For someone to lead them. For someone to point their finger and tell them who to kill and sell to.

But they couldn't force me.

Nor did I want to give them the opportunity to.

The night was cold. The exchange was quick. Jungkook was happily skipping back toward the hotel.

Maybe because it's been danger-free.

Or because he was free to use his weed now.

Whichever it was, it didn't make me happy.

I felt darker. Emptier by the day.

But I kept watching him. Hoping one day I could stand behind him proud.

Or at least, worry-free.

That day didn't seem to be nearby.

Sleeping by his side was my joint.

Waking up to his breathing was my reason for breathing.

Leaving the hotel room after we've cleaned it up for any evidence was reassuring.

Him, taking the time to look presentable meant he still cared.

Driving back to the town I wished we'd only be looking out through postcards was not my idea of going back home.

Especially because we were staying with Roxy and Ryan in a cramped two-bedroom apartment. And the kid's room was not exactly big or nice. The water was often cold.

And it was becoming clearer by the day that she did not like Jungkook one bit.

I couldn't blame her. Nor could I blame him.

Jungkook was too tired from smoking weed to do anything but sleep in the backseat.

That, or he was pretending to be.

I couldn't tell anymore.

We made it back in eight hours and for some reason, I was still wide awake when Roxy let us in. Walked out and checked the stairs and the hallway.

'Like one would shelter some criminals.'

She walked back in quickly, slammed the door and locked the door, and left the keys in. Turned, arms crossed, and asked with a sharp tone: "I see neither of you is limping or anything. I take, it went well?"

"Smoothly." Jungkook sang and sat at the kitchen table, looking as if he hadn't slept a minute.

"Did it really?" She asked me as if she needed my confirmation.

I nodded.

Her arms dropped instantly. She then passed Jungkook by to get to the stove and put on a kettle.

"Don't bother. We have to go see Mitch in an hour." I told her.

She turned off the stove and looked at me, somewhat angry.

"Where's Rayan?" Jungkook asked in a sweet tone.

But Roxy answered harshly: "Asleep. Where I should be also."

"Sorry." I mumbled.

It was her turn to nod as she passed me by, walking by my right, into the small hallway, and towards her and Ryan's bedroom, saying: "Just don't wake us up until morning."

"Yup," Jungkook said. Resting his head on the table.

I watched and only then realized Roxy was staring at me.

I caught her sad eyes as she spoke again: "Rest tonight, Namjoon."

"I will."

She walked in and closed the door slowly.

I turned my attention to Jungkook who was probably flowing between reality and wherever his mind flew to when he closed his eyes.

"Let's go," I told him. Hands, still inside the deep pockets.

"We still got an hour."

"You'll fall asleep."

"I've already slept."

"You don't look like it."

"I am fine."

"You say that but you probably had too much..."

He cut me off. Trying to sound innocent. Saying a simple:

"I am fine."

"Eat something."

"I am fine."

"Let's go."

"...let's go."

I let him walk out first after he took only the money from the backpack.

We walked back to the car in silence.

I drove to Mitch's store in silence.

When we got there, I grabbed his arm a bit too roughly when he was about to head up the stairs without looking back.

"What? What?!" He complained as I pulled him back and showed him the palm of my other hand.

He looked at it and then placed the money in it.

I let go of his arm and walked up the stairs.

He followed.

I unlocked the door and walked in as I had been for too many times in the past month.

Walked by the packaged food in a hurry, only to hear Jungkook grabbing a bag of chips and opening it as I was knocking on the back door.

"Come in!" Mitch screamed.

I opened the door and Mi-Cha welcomed us with two cups of tea on a tray.

Jungkook sat down on the chair before Mitch's desk and continued eating the potato chips. I remained standing as I threw the money on the wooden surface.

Mitch counted. Wrote something in his notebook as I took a sip from the tea.

"Any trouble?" He asked.

"None," I answered.

"But he sure talked big despite buying little," Jungkook said waving a chip.

Mitch took one glance at his bloodshot eyes and then switched his focus to me, turning in his chair.

"The next guy doesn't live so far away. I'll text you when you come get his stuff."

I nodded.

"Why won't you sell to someone who lives like a street from here?" Jungkook asked although he knew the answer. Which made it more of a covert complaint.

Mitch ignored him.

"Mi-Cha, bring Jungkook's stuff. And if I extract how much that costs and how much you guys made, you get..."

A thin stack of money was placed before me.

I took it at once.

"Good job. Go get some sleep." He told me. But I was too busy to look at Jungkook checking his bag to notice the man pulling out a gun from the drawer.

"Namjoon?" He asked.

"Hmm..." I mumbled, without paying attention.

"Take this."

I finally looked at his hand and my eyes went wide.

"What for?"

"The next guy lives closer, but he's a pain in the ass."

I swallowed. And made fists in the pockets of my hoodie.

"You want me to kill him?"

Mitched smiled. Shaking his head and the gun.

"No. No. Of course not. But heroin makes one do stupid things sometimes. That's why I want you to take it. Use it. Threaten with it. I don't care."

"Fine. " I said, reaching out to take it, but stopping halfway. "But I am not taking Jungkook then."

"Whatever you want." He said with a smile.

Jungkook jumped from his seat. "You're taking me!"

"I am not. It's dangerous."

"I am going."

He told Mitch stubbornly as I stepped up to Jungkook and shouted:

"You're not going and that's final!"

"You wouldn't be here if it wasn't because of me! So, give me..."

"You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me either!"

"You don't know that!"

"You don't know whether I wouldn't be here either!"

"I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T!"

His scream went through my ear and right down my stomach. It twisted it. Tightened it.

'Ah...I will lose my mind too.'

"Namjoon. Jungkook." Mitch said calmly, getting up himself. "Decide this among yourselves at home, please?"

I grabbed Jungkook's arm. The same arm that had a tight grasp on the black plastic bag.

"I am going..." He whispered as I opened the door and pulled him after me.

He didn't say a word until he was sitting in the backseat of Roxy's car.

"You're not going without me." He told me in a low, sad voice.

I wrapped my arms around the wheel and twisted the key in the ignition.

"You're not." He repeated, sinking into his chair. Pouting.

"We're done talking about it," I uttered, absently.

"How would you like it if I went alone?"

"I won't let you."

"Then why would I let you?"

"Because!" I screamed, putting the brakes on the car at the gates of the gated fancy neighborhood. "You can't defend yourself. I can. So go to your happy place and..."

"Namjoon..." He whispered.

"Yeah?"

I asked while smiling falsely at the man who pushed the buttons to open the electric gates. And then I heard Jungkook say for the millionth time: "I am sorry."

And for the one-millionth time, I didn't say anything to that.

I turned on the radio and drove us back to Roxy's place while he looked out the window of the car, looking like the darkness of the backseat was one with him now.

The black bag filled with weed was forgotten on the ground of the car.

I called Roxy to open the door and to my surprise, she was still not asleep.

She looked at our faces, then at the bag, and stepped aside.

She preheated some home-cooked stew with questionable side dishes. She slapped it all on the table and went into the bedroom before we could thank her.

The least we could do was eat her salty food.

Jungkook did too, although he hated it.

That was as far as he went to keep things amicable between them.

The sound of the faucet dripping in the sink.

The clink of our forks and knives hitting the plates.

Jungkook chewed and swallowed.

Those were the only sounds.

I thought he'd dropped the subject when he started rolling a joint while I was washing the dishes.

Thought that he'd let me suffer in silence when we walked into our borrowed bedroom and bed to lit one up by the open window. Letting the cold wind get in.

But as soon as he took a hit, and I shut my eyes, he said: "Tell him we're not doing it."

"Jungkook..."

"No. You're not putting yourself in danger."

I rolled on my side to look at the back of his head.

"He only gave me a gun because he's worried the guy might get violent. He didn't say he's sure that he will."

"Tell him to send someone else." He held his stance in a deadpan tone.

"We need the money." I reminded him through gritted teeth.

"No. We don't."

"Why? You're going to finally tell your family why you've vanished on them?"

"..:"

"Or are you ready to go back to uni?" I asked, getting up.

"..."

"Then what the fuck are we saying no to?"

"There's no need for it. We have enough to get by for a while..."

"This is not a part-time job, Jungkook." I barked as I walked behind him and squatted down. He continued looking out the window and smoking.

"I know."

"He's doing us a favor. He's paying us..."

"More than he should." He finished my sentence.

"And we've already..."

"Turned him down twice." And then did it again.

"Right," I whispered, reaching out to rub his thigh but stopped. And let my hand hang as he exhaled the smoke out the window loudly.

"Namjoon?"

"Yeah?"

"I am sorry."

I got up and walked away.

"Come sleep."

"In a minute."

He said that, but I fell asleep without him by my side.

When I woke up because I was cold, his face was right next to mine and his arm was on my shoulder.

I knew I should close the window, but I didn't want to move him. I didn't want his arm to move.

Hence, I closed my eyes instead and fell asleep despite the cold.

Someone woke both of us up by banging on the door.

I rose in a panic, pulling the knife from my pocket and pointing it at the door.

"Namjoon, wait..." Jungkook started saying when the door handle was pushed down and blond hair emerged through the crack.

I hid the knife behind my back before Rayan saw it. Or I hoped I did.

He ran up to me and hugged me with a smile on his face.

I ruffled his hair and watched Roxy standing in the doorway. Checking the room. Arms crossed.

"I tried to stop him..." She said.

"It's fine," I told her as I squatted down, hand still behind my back. "How are you?"

"I've missed you." He told me.

I smiled. He smiled.

And Jungkook got the knife from my hand and hid it before anyone could see it.

Or I hoped Roxy didn't see it when she passed by the bed to close the window from our right.

"Did you eat breakfast?"

"Pancakes!" He exclaimed.

"I am making pancakes. Do you guys want any?" Roxy asked after shutting the window a bit too loudly.

"Sure."

I said, getting up, and letting Rayan drag me to the kitchen.

Jungkook came too only ten minutes later. When Ryan was already done telling me about his school and Roxy had already finished making all the pancakes.

He sat next to me. Roxy got up and fixed him a plate, only to put it before him, saying:

"You smell."

"You too." He said back. Bored. Uncaring.

"I told you to wait until we're gone." She reminded him.

"I told you that the kid doesn't care."

"I care!" She shouted from behind him.

He didn't say anything but started eating as if nothing's happened.

Roxy sat back down before him, back against the wall. Staring at the guy who was overstepping her boundaries without shame.

"And then Mr. Lee told me that I have talent in drawing," Ryan explained between mouthfuls. Looking proud. Looking happy. Looking like everything that we were not.

"Is that so?" I asked him, with a small smile.

He nodded enthusiastically and reached out towards the chocolate sauce, but Jungkook was faster.

He squirted the substance onto his pancakes and then put it back.

I gave it to the sulking Ryan.

The boy kept talking my ear off.

Roxy continued not to eat.

And Jungkook finished his plate and went into the bedroom without saying a word.

That's when Roxy told Ryan to go get ready for school.

"But..." He whined.

"Now." She commanded.

"Go, you... talented boy. I will be here when you're ready.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

We pinky promised before he ran off with the energy of someone who had ten cups of coffee and not only flour and sugar.

I reached for Jungkook's dirty plate when Roxy said: "Don't."

"You've cooked for us. The least I could do is wash the dishes."

"Let him."

"He won't...he's..."

"High." She went on, bluntly.

"And hates doing the dishes."

I reached for the plate again when she wrapped her manicured hands around my wrist and pulled my hand to her lips. She kissed my knuckles and looked straight into my eyes.

"You deserve better."

"Did you not hear me fuck him or what?" I asked, amused. And purely out of curiosity.

"I heard. And I didn't say you're perfect either." She admitted.

"Then stop touching me."

"But he's worse."

I smiled, showing all my teeth, and pulling my hand away from hers with a shake.

Buried that hand in my pocket and leaned back into the chair. Grinning for no reason.

"I didn't think junkies were worse than murderers, but I guess which one washes the dishes gets a special place in your heart."

"You know I am not talking about that."

"I don't know what you want from me, Roxy," I said jokingly, shrugging. "I thought I had shown enough of myself to you that would indicate that I am way worse than he is."

"You did worse, but at least you're not hollow inside."

My smile faded as I straightened up and looked away from her pitying eyes.

"He's not..." I started in a whisper. She cut me off.

"He doesn't care about anything."

"He does..."

"Really? If he did, he would've stayed in school. Or at least, didn't ruin your future along with his."

"I told you that it was my choice."

"Why? Why did you choose that for someone, like...him?" She spat, glaring at the closed door at the end of the minuscule hallway.

"You don't know him," I told her.

"And I don't want to."

"Roxy..."

"Namjoon."

"I'll get out of your hair soon. Don't worry."

I said, looking back at her face.

Got Jungkook's plate and added it to the other plate before getting up and dumping them into the sink that was by the stove.

She sighed.

"You know I don't mind you being here Namjoon." She whispered.

I turned on the water. And grabbed the sponge.

She continued when I didn't talk: "But I can't forget that it's all because of him. All of it...was because of him."

"Your mom isn't in the hospital because of him."

"No. That was because...of her."

"Improvement. I see. Therapy's been doing you good."

"What about you Namjoon?"

"What about me?" 'I absently asked back while cleaning the plates.

"Does he ever think about how he's affected you? How does he keep affecting you?"

"All the time." I breathed the words with a sigh.

"I find that hard to believe."

"Believe me...that's all he's thinking about."

"Are you ..."

"I am ready!" Little Ryan exclaimed while running up only to halt to embrace the back of my leg.

I turned to look at him, and he grinned up at me.

"Looking good," I said.

"He'd look even better if his socks matched for a change." Roxy pointed out.

Ten minutes later, they were waving from outside the door and I was waving back.

Wearing a smile that I didn't feel.

Wearing clothes that felt too big.

Too stuffy.

The apartment was too small.

The smells were too strong.

The silence was too deafening.

I locked the door and then looked at the only other closed room of the apartment and went right through it as if I was going through water.

Jungkook was watching one of his sitcoms on the bed, laying on his tummy, chin on the pillow.

I sat at the end of his feet. On the edge of the bed.

Looked at the open window and the half-smoked joint in the ashtray.

Reached out and caressed his thigh and then his left ass cheek.

He didn't react.

I pulled on his pants, exposing his ass.

He didn't react.

Pulled the pants down to his thighs.

He didn't even move.

He kept watching the sitcom. While I pulled my pants down to my thighs and slapped my dick across his ass.

Once, twice, thrice... and then stuck it in his ass without a word.

"Aahh..." He moaned, letting his forehead fall on the pillow.

I started thrusting slowly but when I got faster and deeper, he reached out toward the laptop clumsily.

I closed it, picked it up, and dropped it from a safe distance from the floor.

He kept moaning nicely. Like it was all pleasure.

Which was a lie.

I knew it was a lie.

But he wouldn't be able to keep it up for much longer.

So, I kept screwing him deeply, rather than faster. Hands-on on each side of his head. Lips against the nape of his neck.

"Why did you act like a brat?" I asked, grabbing a handful of his hair so I could see the left side of his face. He looked at me briefly from the corner of his eye and then at the door.

When he kept quiet while my dick kept ramming into him, I spat in his face.

He licked the drop that made it to his lips.

I pushed his head into the pillow, as I sat on my knees and started fucking him faster. And faster.

Until his moans were longer. Pain filled. Louder.

"I told you to be nice to her."

I reminded him, grabbing the back of his neck.

"...sorry..." He let out before I cut off his breathing.

"Don't lie to me."

"...A..a...."

It was a squeal. A girly squeal before he ejaculated on the sheets. Rolling his eyes back. Punching the mattress.

I let go when his nape turned too red.

He coughed and coughed.

Keeping the same pace.

Lifting his shirt, trying to expose more of his skin while he tried to breathe normally.

"Off," I demanded when the material wouldn't go up.

Jungkook took it off on his own while struggling. Trying to bear my dick abusing his asshole and mustering the strength to pull the t-shirt and hoodie up his body and off.

When he succeeded, I caressed his back.

Caressed his hair.

Heard him groan when I slammed it into him fully.

And said: "She'll throw us out."

"She won't." He quickly said back.

"You're quite confident after making her mad again."

"She likes you."

I ceased all movement.

Looked at the back of his head like it could tell me anything.

Mouth aghast, I feigned surprise: "The fuck?"

"I saw how she looks at you. How she touches you any chance she has. And how she'd burn me alive if...Aw..."

I dug my nails into the left side of his back and pulled the fingers towards the center until my fist was surrounded by red marks.

"Jealous?" I asked.

"...do you like her?"

"No."

"Then I don't have anything to be jealous of."

"You don't."

"Unless you do like her."

"I don't."

"Good to know." He said quietly.

I shoved it back into him, and with one hand on each side of his head, I asked: "Do you like her?"

"Are you kidding?" He chuckled to himself.

I grabbed his hair from the roots until he cried out: "It hurts! It..."

"I asked, do you like her?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"I just don't! Let go...you're ripping my..."

"If she says anything to you. And I mean anything, you're going to tell me."

"..."

"If she does anything..."

"Do what? For the love of God, let go...aw...aw...Namjoon..."

I pulled his head back by his hair and looked down at his eyes that were looking up at me. Wet and red.

"Anything she does, or says. You tell me."

What came out of his mouth sounded more submissive than I wanted it to be: "Yes."

I let go of his hair and his head just fell back, face down on the pillow as I started thrusting into him.

Thinking: 'I scared him again.'

The balance of power was precarious.

Since Jungkook had a breakdown and nearly escaped uni without telling me why. I found that Jungkook who had nothing to lose was scarier than I was. In that sense, I believed Roxy was right.

He stopped caring about what was right or wrong.

Cause a man who's on the edge of suicide can't be held down.

But somehow, I caught him before he made it out.

Somehow, I was adamant enough to make him leave with me and not without me.

Somehow, although he regretted it with his entire being. He couldn't avoid taking me down with him.

And yet, once in a while, he'd go against my word.

Since he got more confident. Reckless. Foolish.

A human with nothing to lose. Besides me.

And sometimes, I feared that he wanted to lose me too.

He wanted to make me leave him alone so he could destroy himself in peace.

This is why I thought he started making me mad in ways that only he could.

He stepped on me just enough to keep me from biting back.

He always used to have power over me as Jimin said. But now he held a new sort of power over me. And he knew about this one. But he didn't want this power.

I wanted to have power over him.

But no matter how controlling I've become. How impulsive and paranoid.

It still felt like he was slipping between my fingers.

Like I was holding onto water.

Even as he was under me, unable to move or control a thing.

I was probably the only one between the two of us who was concerned about what the other was thinking.

Because Jungkook knew what was best for me.

But I had no idea what was best for Jungkook anymore.

So, I was letting him run wild. Hoping. Waiting. For something that would keep him mine and alive.

But the second he ran too far, I'd get worried if he was going to return or simply leave me standing, alone.

And I couldn't bear the thought of that.

While he became the worst version of himself.

I feared that I, too, started losing all logic and reason.

I was losing my humanity that I didn't know I still had.

And this man, that was moaning under me.

Was now on a tight leash that could break at any moment.

The further he ran, the more I cut the leash. To hold him closer. To see his every move. Have the decisive word in every argument. Have him just afraid enough that he will think twice before doing anything.

All the while he knew, the worst I could do was to break his bones.

I could never kill him.

That's where my power ended and his power started.

Jungkook was no longer afraid of death.

I was more afraid of his death than he was of his.

And that is what I considered a rabid dog that won't listen to commands to be. Unless he has to.

And I had to make him believe that he had to.

I had to make him believe I could kill him.

I tried my best to.

I kept thinking I did a better job than I should have had.

"Turn around," I whispered in his ear as sweat dripped down my forehead and on the mattress.

"I ...a...can't...." He breathed out.

I pulled out and turned him around by grabbing his shoulder.

Positioned my face between his legs and my dick in his face.

He started sucking at once.

I stared at his sticky erection and tugged at it.

He choked on his saliva and coughed out while he kept jerking me off with his hands.

I slapped his cock as punishment. He shoved it back into his mouth immediately.

Started thrusting without thinking while I parted his legs and shoved a finger into his gaping hole.

He groaned against my cock.

I thrust in deeper and shoved more fingers in. His cock twitched.

I leaned down and gave it a lick.

It twitched again.

One more lick.

Another lick.

Tip of my finger hitting his prostate dead on.

His sperm flew out of his cock and onto my face while he choked on my dick.

I smiled.

'You don't want me, my ass...'

He tapped on my leg twice.

When I kept fucking his mouth.

He tapped again and again.

I kept thrusting. Enjoying the warmth of his throat.

The way his muscles contracted around my fingers.

When the sounds he was making sounded like he was about to throw up, I pulled out.

"F...mh..." He coughed, holding onto his throat. Tears falling. Saliva flying.

I pulled my fingers out and got off the bed.

He watched me with worry.

"Come on, let's take a shower," I told him.

"But you're not done..."

"It's fine. I don't need to."

He didn't say a word but continued to watch me with big eyes as I walked into the hallway and inside the bathroom.

He appeared two minutes later, still holding onto his neck as if it would fall off if he didn't.

I let him watch me shower for a minute before telling him: "Get in."

Jungkook hesitantly did so. Standing behind me, quietly.

I picked up the shower from its support and pointed it at his face.

He got some water in his mouth. Water that he spat out after he squinted his eyes.

I handed him the shower, took the soap, and spread the bubbles across his body.

When I squatted down to wash his legs, he talked.

"Do you remember when we showered at your place for the first time?"

I was taken aback by his deep voice.

"Of course, I remember."

I said in a hurry, rubbing his calves with soap.

"And you said our safe word should be soap or something."

"Mhm."

"I miss those times. Though at the time, I didn't enjoy it too much..."

I got up. And looked down at his sad face.

I caught his cheeks between my hands and kissed him.

He kissed me back.

It was brief.

It was sweet.

It was sad.

"I like it now, too," I said.

He smiled, nearly crying. "Don't lie to me."

"You're here. So, I got no complaints."

"You should have some..."

"None," I stated, slapping both his cheeks at the same time softly.

He smiled wider, but then his eyes looked wet.

And the thoughts that I had, might've come across as too soft so I remained quiet.

"Namjoon...I am..."

I embraced him. The shower head was still between us.

And kept him in my arms while he cried. And cried. Until I wondered how someone's cry could sound so sad and how it could make me hurt from the top of my head to my little toe. It would hurt too bad for me to cry.

Like stabs you can't react to. But can only feel.

"Shh...it'll be fine," I claimed.

"I know I need to...I need...to..."

"You don't need to do anything but breathe."

"But I ruined everything."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why did you hit me?!" He cried out.

His voice echoed around the bathroom as I pulled back and looked at nothing but two closed eyes that let out one tear after another. Like transparent, clear, big pearls.

"You threatened to kill yourself, Jungkook."

"But you didn't have to hit me..."

"You pointed a knife at your chest!" I screamed.

"I just wanted to make you go back!" He screamed.

"Why are we talking about this again?" I asked quickly, mumbling, turning away to grab the shampoo from behind me.

"Because you scared me..." He said between sobs.

And that's when something in me snapped.

"YOU SCARED ME!"

He stepped back, cradling the showerhead to his chest. Continuing to cry with big tears, but looking at me through half-lidded eyes. Body shaking.

I looked at him, one hand squeezing the shampoo bottle, the other in a fist.

"I am sorry." He whispered.

"Then make a choice and stick to it."

"..."

Through clenched teeth and a burning chest, I said: "I told you. Do whatever you want to do besides dying. I will help. Just make a fucking choice and stop thinking about me."

He shook his head.

I wrapped my fingers around the bottle tightly. And when I looked up at him and saw him looking down, ashamed, I smashed the bottle into the space between us and walked out of the tub. Grabbed a towel on my way out and slammed the door.

But as I poured some water into the glass, all I could think about was: 'There were no razors in the bathroom. Were there? I don't remember seeing any. But I didn't look for them either...'

I abandoned the cup in the sink and walked back into the bathroom.

What I found was Jungkook crying in the middle of the bathtub, hugging his knees. Water sprayed nothing but his feet.

I looked at myself in the mirror for a second.

'She said he's empty. But she's so wrong. I am the one who's fucking empty.'

"Wash," I told him.

"..."

"Wash!" I demanded, yelling.

"..."

"Please..." I whispered. "Stop crying."

I closed the space between us in three long steps and grabbed his arm and pulled him up a bit too forcefully.

He did get up after falling to the side and looked at me with his two doe, red eyes.

Ashamed. Innocent. And full.

So full of emotions.

I had only one emotion left.

"Give me the bottle."

Jungkook hesitantly did.

Handshaking, tears falling scarcely now.

Because he was scared.

He couldn't cry very hard when he got scared.

I poured some of the substance into my hand, let the bottle drop into the tub, and started washing his hair.

"Close your eyes."

He did so.

And he looked so pretty.

White bubbles framed his head like a halo.

Red cheeks, so full of life.

Lips, red and bruised, so tempting.

Heartbeat, so feeble.

Body, so thin.

Mind, so dark.

I wondered what it would be like to see the world through his cracked eyes.

How I would look like.

How I would feel like.

How I could twist whatever version of me he internalized and make it fit into his world.

Like a puzzle piece that he couldn't complete his puzzle with.

'I love you.' I thought.

"Rinse," I said.

'I wish you'd love yourself too.'

He picked up the showerhead and shakily held it above his head. I took it and held it up for him.

Jungkook didn't have the instinct to rub the shampoo out of his head.

He just stood there.

Water ran down his hair, face, and body.

I leaned forwards when his eyes were still shut. I touched his lips with mine. Water going right through them.

We slept until Roxy returned from her job and Rayan's school.

I saw how displeased she was when she found me spooning a naked Jungkook in the bed that she's bought for the child that I'd made her look after for the rest of her life.

I didn't know if Jungkook noticed, but I caught her while she kept trying to tell us that Rayan will come in and see us like this. That we must eat. That we won't be able to sleep during the night when everyone should be sleeping.

And she caught me catching her, and her expression changed to sadness once more as we stared into each other's eyes.

She went quiet. And left.

"Jungkook?" I whispered.

"Just ten more minutes..."

"Let's eat."

I went on, wrapping my hand tighter around his naked stomach, pulling him even closer although there was no room left.

"Now?" He sleepily asked.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"What are we eating?"

"I don't know."

"Sounds...good."