Escape (Special)

AN: This chapter is from Jungkook's perspective.

Enjoy:

I was past my breaking point.

Although I've been standing still for two hours now. Butt on the floor and hands tied to the radiator. My heartbeat has been running the miles that my legs didn't.

'He'll come back. I just have to wait...just wait...'

One hour ago, I annoyed Namjoon without thinking.

Not only that, but it ended up with me getting tied up, and naked in our borrowed room.

There was no sexual intent behind it.

Yet, it was both a punishment and a way to keep me completely still while he'll be putting himself in danger.

Alone.

Although I've been losing his trust lately, today, I doubted I'd forgive myself either.

And I had a hard time convincing myself he should trust me at this point.

One hour ago, when I said I will let him go on his own.

One hour ago, when I said that I was only going to go to the store and that he can go do what needed to be done.

All the while knowing wholeheartedly that I'll take another route to the house of the heroin addict while I was lying to Namjoon through gritted teeth.

I didn't follow him per se. But he followed me.

As if he knew.

He already knew I lied.

'He'll return. Won't he?' I thought.

Because when he brought me back to Roxy, stripped me naked, and tied me to the radiator, I couldn't say a damn word.

But when Roxy opened the door and saw me after she came home, I thought I should be saying something.

My brain was fried though.

So, all that came out when she asked: "Who did this? Where's Namjoon? And why are you naked?"

Was: "Leave."

She was taken aback. But she came inside and squatted in front of me. Took in all the bruises I couldn't hide and reached for the handcuffs.

I didn't dare to look at her when she touched them.

She then rose to her feet and walked out.

Leaving the door open.

I thought that was it.

Until she returned with two shims in her hand.

I understood what she was doing when she inserted one of them into the keyhole of the handcuffs.

"Don't." I told her quietly.

"You're in my house."

"I know, but...Namjoon will think I did it."

Her hand stopped moving as her mouth hang aghast.

"So, he's the one who did this."

"..."

"Why?"

"It's my fault."

She resumed picking at the lock.

I went on: "I don't think I can go to him now anyway. There's no point getting them off now..."

"So, you're just going to lay here until he returns? Like this?"

"Yes."

That's when something inside the handcuffs clicked and she helped pull my hands out while keeping the handcuffs widened.

"Roxy...it's fine," I mumbled.

"What is fine? What part of it exactly?!" She asked loudly.

"All of it."

"I like how optimistic you are in the worst possible situations."

"Look..."

"Look. I don't know what kind of bullshit relationship you two have or how many years of therapy you need but this is my apartment. And in this apartment, in approximately two hours, a little child will return and will be searching this room. That's the first thing he does now. And if he finds you here like this, you will have to explain why you look like this and why you're handcuffed in a way that won't traumatize him. Personally, I think it'd be easier to make him believe Santa is a real person. And if Namjoon finds you like this, I have a slight idea of what is going to be happening next."

I looked away from her fiery eyes and I whispered, mostly to myself:

"...he's too mad to do anything."

"I don't care! Do you see me caring?" She screeched.

"You do care." I said, meeting her eyes.

She freed my second hand and jumped up.

"You two really need to find other ways to communicate."

"We are... communicating."

"How? Like this?" She mocked, pointing to the handcuffs. Seeming quite enraged while I was rubbing my wrist and kept my knees close to my body to avoid more embarrassment.

"What do you want from me?" I asked, a bit too soft.

That made her madder as she turned around, hands on her hips, and answered: "Break it off. Go back to school. Go to your parents. Go ...somewhere. And do something."

"You just want me gone, huh?"

"I want you to leave Namjoon alone!" She spat, swiftly turning around.

"I didn't force him to..."

"Yeah, yeah. You didn't outright force him, but you weren't able to stop him either."

"I tried!"

She turned as if I'd just punched her and looked down, uttering the words: "You didn't try hard enough."

On her way out, I regretted the words I let out as I was speaking them: "You want to take my place? Is that it? Be my guest then!"

She halted by the door frame, smiling.

"You really don't know anything Jungkook. You just coast through life with your eyes closed. Thinking there will be no consequences, but the day you'll end up alone will be the day you'll finally realize what you've done and where you went wrong."

I audibly smirked, without knowing why.

She slammed the door after herself.

Roxy left me naked, under the window, by the radiator, in the cold room with one bed, one painting, and one short dresser.

And I was suddenly feeling the urge to run. My whole body felt like it was already running. My insides were throbbing. And yet, I didn't have the energy to take one single step.

Looking at the bed, I wondered if Namjoon will be madder if I will be high when and if he returned.

'I already know. There's nothing to realize,' I told Roxy in my mind.

And let myself fall to one side. Hugged myself during the constant war with the thought that kept telling me how much better everything would be if I just smoked already.

It didn't take long until I was searching underneath the bed for the small aluminum box.

Thinking: 'Just a little won't matter.'

Half a joint later, a hoodie it took forever to put on and the start of a nap, the front door was unlocked and Namjoon's voice was coming through the closed door.

It was quiet for a moment and then the words got louder and louder. Until the shouting was too loud for me to make up any words.

It was nearly impossible to catch a specific meaning or sentence. My mind was far away and they seemed to be underwater, a million miles away.

That was until the door was pushed open with force and a frowning Namjoon stomped in.

Grabbed my arm, and pulled me off the bed. I fell with a thump, but with no complaints. My skin got scratched as he dragged me to the radiator.

Where he unlocked and locked the handcuffs around my wrists for the second time that day.

But because the door was still open, I could hear Roxy screaming: "You are being ridiculous!"

"Am I?! Am I really?! Let me tell you...!"

He left me there, shut the door, and continued speaking amongst themselves.

I heard my name being mentioned once or twice, but as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, I could barely breathe.

After sleeping far too little, I was woken up by a light slap across the cheek.

I opened my eyes and saw him being sat before me with a bowl of soup.

"Open."

That's all he said before he took a spoonful of soup and brought it to my lips.

I slowly parted the dry lips while scanning his body.

Not being able to tell if he was hurt or not because everything but his hands, head, and feet were concealed by thick clothing.

"Did you two talk?" He asked.

I shook my head.

"She just came in, set you free so you could smoke, and then left?"

I nodded.

Namjoon smirked, exhaling what was almost a chuckle.

"Did it go well...with the guy?" I asked before another spoonful made it to my lips.

"I am here, aren't I?" He inquired with a sigh.

I looked down at the bowl and wished he'd just pour it straight into my mouth so I could go back to sleep.

"You really don't want to listen to me at all, don't you?"

"I listen."

"If you keep lying, at least have the decency to look at my face."

I did look up, but what I saw, made me close my legs.

Namjoon grinned and fed me more soup.

It took too long, but when the bowl was almost empty, he finally unlocked the handcuffs that have left their shape around my wrists.

He threw them to the side and pointed to the bed.

"Go sleep there."

I got up and walked to it.

He watched me get under the covers.

I fell asleep before he laid down next to me.

And got woken up again when I felt the material up to my neck. I was naked from the breast down.

His hands roamed over the nipples and abdomen.

His front curled around my back.

One of the hands rested on my stomach and the other went up and grabbed my neck from inside the hoodie.

I blinked slowly, still not awake yet.

The room was dark, yet his voice sounded darker: "You need to pick soon and you need to stop trying to lie because I will catch you every time."

I shut my eyes and let him caress my thighs and hip.

Let his hand brush against my genitals on their way to my chest.

"Let me help you..." He whispered.

I flinched as the fingers wrapped tighter around my throat.

"She...wants us to leave." I whispered.

"...then we'll leave." He whispered back.

I nodded and told him: "I want a smoke."

I could feel his smile against the back of my head as his hands abandoned my body.

Pulled the long hoodie down as soon as I stepped out of the bed.

I didn't look at him while I retrieved my hidden joint, nor while I smoked by the open window.

But I caught a glance of him, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

"Where do you want to go next?" He asked.

"I don't know."

"When will you find out?"

"I don't know."

"What do you know?" He snapped.

"That I am tired. And I want to sleep."

"You're not tired. You're depressed."

I couldn't think of an argument.

Hence, I kept smoking, sitting on the window ledge until the sky looked like charcoal.

I threw the handmade filter out the window and turned around.

He was getting up from the bed.

I swallowed the bit of saliva I had left.

"Don't be mad." I pleaded quickly.

He didn't respond.

"Let's just go to sleep." I suggested.

"Come here."

He demanded, patting his leg after he sat down on the edge of the mattress.

Looked at the spot, then up at his face, and hesitantly shook my head.

It made him crack a smile.

"You fucked up today." Namjoon reminded me.

"Technically, I fucked up yesterday."

The smile grew wider.

"You're the one who said you wanted to be punished when you do something bad. You're the one who made me promise that..."

"I don't want you to punish me this time...." I said, so quietly that I was surprised he's heard me.

"You never said you wanted to be the one who gets to cherry-pick."

"I've changed my mind..."

"Since when?"

"When you started looking scary."

"I am scary?! Your actions make me not trust you anymore. Do you understand that? I've always kept my word. Always. I do what I say!"

"..."

"Come here." He demanded again, slapping his thigh.

Fixating on the ground, I once again shook my head and closed my eyes when he got up and closed the distance between us.

His hand reached out towards my face.

"Don't..." I started and shut my mouth when he caught my chin and my cheeks between his hand and I started to shake my head away. Unwilling to meet his gaze. I could feel the wind on my bare legs and nape.

He covered the whole window by simply standing in front of it while I couldn't cover half.

"Say you won't do it again." He told me.

"..."

"Say fucking something."

"..."

"Fine."

His hand let go of my chin roughly.

The taller man walked toward the bed and I almost sighed with relief. But then he stopped dead in his tracks and quietly but surely, turned around and retraced all the steps he had previously taken.

Looked up at his face, but I could barely see it.

Yet I could feel his fingers gripping my hair perfectly.

I could feel the push to the ground.

The coldness of the wooden floor against my knees, thighs, genitals, and upper stomach.

The hoodie hid my ass for just one more moment before he pulled it up, as he sat between my legs.

I felt dizzy. Breathless.

The darkness grew darker spots. Floating shapes and spider legs.

I told myself it was a hallucination, but I still hated the sight of them.

"Don't. Please...I don't want to..." I begged in a whisper.

He went ahead and grabbed my ass either way.

I pushed myself up and tried crawling away.

He caught my right ankle and pulled, making me fall flat on the floor. I easily slid back where I was before.

"No... I am too high...Namjoon. I am too..."

"Isn't that why you got high in the first place?"

I couldn't argue again.

Turned around with one hand, and pushed against his chest with the other as he lowered himself towards me slightly.

"I was only worried. Please...don't..."

He slapped my ass harshly, pushing against my hand with his chest.

I couldn't see his face. I couldn't read his expressions.

He was nothing but a black silhouette.

A shadow with spots that were even darker than black itself.

"You lied to me, Jungkook."

"I am..."

He reached between my legs, grabbed both my balls and cock, and squeezed, pulling them towards him.

Cutting me off with: "You're not sorry this time or you would've said it hours ago."

I could only blink through the darkness. My eyelashes or that's what I hoped it was, obstructed my view.

"I am too tired! Stop touching ...ah...sto..."

The other hand shoved my hand away so it could reach the upper left shoulder and push it down.

"Namjoon, no... I really am...I... ah..."

He held me down, face down, letting go of my genitals only to lower his own pants.

I could already feel him inside me.

While my body trashed around aimlessly, tiredly, and weakly.

And with one easy shove, he was inside me.

I felt full instantly.

It felt like heaven and also, like too much heaven.

Like you're starving, but then you overeat and you wish you could take that one bite back.

Cause there was no more space inside me and yet he kept going in. Pushing his erection deeper into me.

It made me aware of how weak the rest of my body was feeling.

How blurry, my mind was.

How hazy the rest of the room was.

My moan or cry was a distant sound.

The word "Please." kept leaving my lips.

But my insides wanted him in.

I could feel myself getting hard.

While he pushed me lower, towards and into him by hugging my chest and shoulders.

Could feel him breathing down my neck and back.

Every time he'd thrust it deeper into me.

My voice echoed around the room.

He was all in. And I could feel him up to my belly.

Skin on skin. Push and pull.

The way he'd fill me up and then leave me empty for just a moment.

I couldn't see a thing.

Push back against the pleasure. Reject it. Deny it.

It was almost freeing to not be able to do anything.

And yet he didn't want to make any decisions outside of this.

But he'd punish me for every decision.

I gasped for air. A lick at my neck, two fingers squeezing my left nipple. His hard dick going in and out of me.

The tip of a tooth scratched the surface of the skin of my neck.

"No..."

Before it sunk in, and left me wailing.

Another tug, another push.

Another thrust. One more thrust. Too many more thrusts.

Muscles contracting.

Tears slipped out.

Moans and cries getting drowned out by the sound of his body slamming against mine.

"Please...mm...hmp..."

A finger in my mouth.

The cock-tip poking my organs.

My stomach started hurting as if it grew even bigger.

My genitals burning from the friction.

Another tooth, another bite.

Another cry.

Another useless plea.

I almost didn't want it to end.

I couldn't think.

I couldn't see.

I couldn't do anything.

As if the world didn't exist.

As if decisions didn't have to be made.

As if it would all stand still for me to feel this.

Someone loving me.

A bit too much.

A bit too unconditionally.

A bit too forcibly.

A bit too deeply.

A knock on the door.

The ache in my chest blossomed.

The release of my torso.

His dick twitched inside of me while my insides spasmed.

'Don't stop...' A thought that came from somewhere far, in a corner of my mind.

A fist made contact on the other side of the door.

Namjoon pulled out.

Leaving me empty and wet.

He fixed his clothes, stood up, and walked out.

Another knock on another door.

And silence.

I was lying, face down on the floor.

Asshole, gaping.

Cock, erect.

Neck and nipple red.

Salivating.

Eyes wide.

Gasping for air.

I turned on my back with all the energy I had left.

To stare at the dark ceiling.

A scream.

More screamed words.

Heavy steps.

A slammed door.

An opened door.

A shut door.

Namjoon kneeled between my legs.

Grabbed my hips on each side.

Head leaned down towards my crotch.

I shook my head.

Lips wrapped against my erection and my cock went inside his warm mouth.

I moaned.

Head fell to the left in my daze. I ended up staring at my extended arm on the floor. And the closed door while he went up and down my length.

It reached the end of his throat. His tongue swished around it. Saliva coating it. Nails digging into my hips.

I ejaculated, twitching from every joint.

And fell asleep while my cum was still dripping from his tongue, straight into my open mouth.

'Shit.'

When I woke up, Namjoon was not in the apartment, even though it was Saturday.

I could hear the kid playing on his phone through the sound of Roxy vacuuming the hallway and kitchen.

I was still in bed, wondering if I should get up or not.

The wish to have a cigarette was stronger than my sleepiness.

Walked out of the room in Namjoon's clothes from yesterday just to have a glass of water.

Had to face Roxy's stare as I walked into the small kitchen.

Grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge when she turned off the vacuum. And said: "I am sorry. I didn't know."

I looked at her too, just to show my confusion.

"That he...forces you to...do things."

I opened the cap and took a sip.

"I am here if you want to talk about it. I tried talking to him, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's not...how it should be..."

Opened the fridge and put the water bottle back.

She continued: "You went quiet after Namjoon and I talked. What...happened?"

"I fell asleep," I told her.

"...but there were still sounds after...like you two were still doing it."

I steadied myself by holding onto the door fridge.

When the memory of being woken up when Namjoon was kissing me while I was asleep popped up. And right then, the pain in my behind made more sense.

"You sure you went to sleep right after? You weren't awake for an hour or two and didn't...realize the passing of time?" She inquired, appearing ten times more frightened now.

"Yup." I blurted out. Unconcerned.

"Jungkook...." She said my name with pity.

With care.

"Mind your own business." That was all I said before I walked back into our borrowed room and shut the door.

'Forced? But I wanted it...but I also didn't...I deserved it. But I also didn't. But...does it even matter anymore?'

I reached underneath the bed and found that the aluminum box was gone.

'Shit.'

I got up, hands on each side of my forehead.

And started pacing.

Feeling restless.

Trapped.

Skin, feeling itchy all of a sudden.

'Maybe he simply changed the spot.'

And a one-hour search into every drawer, pocket, and corner ensued.

When I had to accept the fact that he took it with him, I found it hard to inhale as I sat on a pile of clothes.

Then I heard the doorbell so I threw all the clothes back into the closet as fast as I humanly could.

I got to shut the last of the drawers halfway before Namjoon walked in.

Demanding: "Pack."

"W...what?"

"Pack. Didn't you say she wants us to move?"

"Where? How did you find a place so soon? Where did you get the money? Namjoon? Namjoon!"

'Did you use the money for my weed on a place?'

Is what I wanted to ask but didn't.

Instead, I waited for him to stop shoving things into the plastic luggage and answer.

When that didn't happen, I thought I'd find out sooner if I would help him pack our stuff.

Hoped I'd be able to smoke sooner too.

Nothing inside our bags was packed tidily but that was the least of my concerns.

We were nearly at the door. Roxy was sitting at the kitchen table. Head buried in her hands.

And the kid was in the other room with the door shut.

"You're not even going to say goodbye?" She asked Namjoon when he reached for the door handle.

Not me.

She didn't glance at me, although I was the one looking at her.

Namjoon turned the key inside the keyhole and then turned around.

All he said while he pulled up his hoodie was: "Thanks for taking us in."

"No problem." She responded. Politely.

But when Namjoon opened the door, she got up: "At least wait for him to ..."

"I don't think watching me leave will help him cope with it. It's better if you tell him I was a figment of his imagination and pretend I was never here."

"Namjoon, that's..."

And I was dragged outside.

"He looks up to you! I don't know why, but he...!" She screamed.

"You're right, Roxy. You don't know why, so it's better if he doesn't know a thing either. Never."

And the door that Namjoon didn't pay for was slapped in the owner's face.

She didn't follow us.

And as we stepped into the rainy street and hopped into a taxi, it dawned on me:

'Namjoon just told Roxy that she's not allowed to tell him the truth for as long as he's alive.'

I swallowed the little saliva I had left.

Looked at our joined hands and closed my eyes.

I didn't ask where we were going.

Didn't look out the window once.

Didn't question a thing when we were going down the stairs on the first floor of an apartment building.

Nor did I think we were going to live in anything but a basement starting from now on.

When he did unlock the white door, what I found inside was a big room with only one couch. Two closed doors. No window. Nothing more than a lightbulb in the middle of what should be the living room.

Namjoon went right in and then the sound of a fridge being opened confused me.

I walked to my right and then found that there was a small open kitchen attached to the one empty, living room.

There was only one bottle of water in the fridge and Namjoon drank from it.

I stared at him in silence and when he showed signs that he'll come toward me, so I headed for one of the doors in a trance.

The door that was opposing the entrance door was a one-bed bedroom, with two nightstands, and one closet. Nothing else. Not even a painting.

The other was a normal bathroom.

All rooms were spacious.

All rooms were clean.

Even the blue carpeted living room was spotless.

But it was all too clean.

Too empty.

Too windowless.

But as I was washing my face at the sink, all I wanted to ask was: 'Where is my weed, Namjoon?'

And that's when, leaning against the doorframe, he asked: "Want a smoke?"

He showed me the Marlboro pack, with one cigarette hanging between his lips.

"There are no windows," I told him as if he wouldn't have realized that otherwise.

"It's fine."

We smoked on the couch.

Luggage by the door.

Fridge buzzing.

The silence between the buzzing swallowed me whole.

The cigarette wasn't satisfying enough because I was sober.

But I smoked it. One and then another.

And when I was reaching out for the third one, Namjoon spoke:

"Aren't you going to ask?"

"About?"

"Why are we here? And how?"

"Well, I'll listen if you want to tell me."

He smirked and looked at the blank wall as if there is something there that I wasn't seeing.

"Fucking V."

"What about him?" I asked, struggling with the old lighter.

"Remember I told you that I've promised him we'll live together eventually?"

"Barely..."

"Yeah, well...he got kicked out."

"From home?"

"From the dorm."

I almost dropped the cigarette as I straightened myself and opened my eyes wider as if that'd help me hear better.

"Jimin kicked him out." He went on. "And he's saved some money. We had some money saved up too, and here we are."

"Then he's coming here? To live with us?"

"Yeah."

"Why did Jimin kick him out?"

"He didn't want to say."

"Did you ask Jimin?"

"I don't want to call him..."

"Aa...I forgot."

'Because we didn't say a word to him before evacuating the premises?' I thought bitterly, but bit the inside of my lip instead of saying it.

"He agreed to sleep on this couch and he'll get a job."

"You guys thought of everything already, huh?"

"Yeah...and there's something else."

I waited for him to keep going, but when he turned to look at me with changed eyes, I felt the need to put out the cigarette, but I only let it hang between my fingers without smoking it.

"What?" I asked, impatient.

Namjoon rubbed my thigh and slid lower, down the couch seat.

"He's no longer sober."

The ash fell, but I didn't notice.

"How?

"I don't know...we had other things to discuss, but he wanted to let us know."

"And what did you say?"

"I told him that if he gives you anything, he's a dead man."

I frowned.

"I already got access to anything I'd want, Namjoon."

"Not really. You got some access In low, controllable doses." He pointed out, tilting his head.

"Yeah. Yeah. But won't it be strange?"

"Strange how?"

"Living together again? And here...and..."

"You don't want to?"

"It's not that I don't want to..."

I put out the cigarette and turned towards the wall as well.

When I didn't say anything else, he had to ask: "Are you ashamed?"

"Of what?"

"I don't know...dropping out, hiding, not being sober, being ..."

"Are you done?"

I was about to get up when his hand extended in front of my stomach. Blocking the path.

I sat back down but refused to look at him.

"I can call the whole thing off." Namjoon claimed, softly. Nicely.

"We need a place. He can help. I don't care."

"Are you sure?"

I nodded.

Namjoon breathed out a: "...fine."

And let me walk over to our luggage.

It was maybe a bit too obvious after I searched through most bags. A bit too close when he walked behind me, squatted down, unzipped one of the backpacks, and after fishing inside it for a bit, pulled out the aluminum box.

I resisted the urge to take it from him and simply cocked an eyebrow. Saying:

"That's not what I was looking for."

"Really?" He asked with angry doubt. "Then what were you looking for?"

"Food."

"Realllly?!"

I nodded.

He dropped the aluminum box right in front of me and headed for the bathroom.

"I'll go take a shower. I feel disgusting..."

"Ok..." I mumbled.

"If you want to join me, I don't mind."

"I already took a shower." I lied.

And watched the door close.

Waited for the sound of running water before I opened the box, pulled out the filters, and as I looked back at the couch where the cigarette pack was, someone knocked at the door.

I froze.

Not only that, but I couldn't find it in me to react in any other way but to stand still.

The water kept running.

My heartbeat picked up.

I looked up at the door and found no peephole.

Rapidly closed the box and threw it in the backpack. Hesitantly walked up to the door, holding my breath.

Thought of all the ways I could dispose of the box in case the police were on the other side of the door.

Thought of all the ways I wouldn't be able to dispose of it.

Another knock echoed in the empty apartment, and I was ready to go get Namjoon.

That was until a very monotone, yet jolly voice pierced my eardrums: "Open up! It's me!"

"Fucking Tae..." I swore under my breath as I unlocked the door.

The man was smiling as widely as he could with his box-like mouth.

He dropped his bag and embraced me.

Swaying me right and left.

I was uncomfortable, but then I was mad that the hug wouldn't end.

"Hi, Tae." I told him. Hoping that'd cause him to let go.

But then he sniffed the air and by extension me, saying: "You smell good."

And I was petrified again.

"Like weed." He continued.

Pulled back, still smiling, and then picked up his bag from outside the door.

He walked in like he owned the place, plummeted on the couch and on the cigarette pack.

Laid down and sighed as if he was having it rough.

"The monster's taking a swim?" He asked me.

"Yeah." I replied, awkwardly standing by the open door.

"Do you guys have anything to eat?"

"No... I don't think so."

"You two don't get hungry or..."

"We just got here."

"Umm...how? Namjoon told me you two were living far away."

I turned around to lock the door. Or mostly, to avoid answering the question with a lie that wouldn't come to me.

Thankfully, whatever he took didn't deem that technicality as crucial.

"Man, I am starving. I got all this energy but like, I am hungry all the time. It makes no sense."

"Aha..."

I continued to stand by the door, looking down at the open backpack and back up at Taehyung's restless leg.

"I am really curious, how was it for you? Doing drugs again. For me, it was like an angel came down from heaven and embraced me. You know?"

And my chest hurt.

With no apparent reason.

I got angry and hurt by something I couldn't pinpoint.

"No." I said. "For me...it was like I was still in hell, but I had a gas mask on."

"That doesn't sound like fun."

"It wasn't..." I mumbled.

"Umm...by the way, are you and Namjoon still together or...?"

Before my lips parted, the door to the bathroom swung open, and Namjoon stepped out wearing the same black pants as before but without a shirt. Hair dripping water and abdomen muscles glistening.

Taehyung catcalled, waving his arm.

Namjoon acknowledged his existence by raising his chin once and then turned to me to ask:

"Do we have any towels?"

"Did we pack any?"

"I don't know."

"Man, you two are a mess. But I'll save you. Be chill, I got one."

Taehyung said with a too happy voice as he leaned down to search through his backpack.

"No thanks," Namjoon said simply.

"Aw. That hurts my feelings." Tae sang, getting up and following Namjoon into the one bedroom.

I could see Taehyung hanging onto Namjoon's shoulder as he opened the closet and scanned it.

"No luck? Huh?" Taehyung beamed at him.

Namjoon sighed.

I grabbed the backpack quickly and ran into the steaming bathroom.

Shut the door and reached for a key.

Only to find that there wasn't one.

Dropped the backpack on the toilet seat anyway, and exhaled with relief. Exhale got stuck in my throat when I realized that the cigarettes were still in the living room.

"Screw it," I told no one in particular. Walked back into the room, backpack in hand. Sat down on the couch, grabbed a cigarette, and started rolling a joint.

"Will you cook me something?" Tae asked Namjoon.

"Let's just buy premade food."

"But that doesn't taste good."

"Then you cook."

"You don't want me cooking, remember? I've burnt ramen before."

"Yeah... I forgot you're useless."

"Big man. Big mean." Taehyung joked.

And then there was a brief silence until another catcall ensued. This time, right by my left side.

"Old habits die hard." He told me as he sat down in the empty seat beside me with both legs under him.

"Kinda." I said quickly, licking the paper.

"I'll never understand why you like downers so much..."

"...V!" Namjoon screamed from the bedroom in a low tone.

"What?!"

"Leave Jungkook alone."

"I didn't do anything!"

"He's not allowed anything but weed unless I give it to him!"

"Alright!" V yelled back.

And then whispered to me: "Mustn't that suck for you?"

I ignored him, lit the joint up, and took a deep hit.

Closed my eyes and let the smoke get in and numb my insides.

And make my vision blurry.

Take away most thoughts.

Make them less important.

The outside world, something under a tinted glass.

The person beside me, a ghost.

The sedation kicked in after the fifth inhale.

The calm and the relief after the sixth.

And the realization that Taehyung has been staring at me came after the seventh.

"What?" I asked him.

He didn't answer.

Namjoon walked in and spoke, quite loudly: "We need to buy some food, toilet paper, and towels."

"Now?" I asked, quite panicked at the thought of going out.

"I am hungry. Let's go now." Tae said.

I put out the joint.

And after I changed my clothes in case they smelt and brushed my teeth, the three of us were out in the cold, wet weather, searching for a store.

It took a while, but we found a market right when the clouds started dripping.

I was paranoid that the shadow of the hoodie wasn't hiding my bloodshot eyes when an old woman stared right at me while they were contradicting each other over toilet paper.

"We're saving money." Namjoon argued with whatever Tae previously said.

"That doesn't mean we should live like savages."

"That's exactly what it means!"

"I'll go look for the towels," I told them, absently, and walked away.

Two minutes later, I was in the juice sections with a dizzy mind.

Confused about how I got there or what I was looking for before I got here.

After I walked around the whole store twice and found nothing, I asked an employee for help.

She pointed at where I just came from.

"Can you take me to it? Please."

She raised an eyebrow at my request but did so nonetheless.

"Thank you." I told her and looked at the towels without really seeing them.

After I got three long ones and three small ones, I walked back to where I saw Namjoon and Taehyung last which was by the toilet paper.

And just like I feared, they were still there.

"I'll use it. You use that one."

"We're not buying more than one kind, V! We're..."

"I'm going to get some food," I told them in passing and walked away.

By the time I made it to the frozen section, I was winded.

Standing by itself was tiring.

Walking was an exercise.

Breathing was an exercise of free will.

The whole place was covered in smoke.

And paying attention to anything for more than a few seconds was a game of hide and seek.

I liked the effects of weed, but I also hated them.

'Food...food...' I kept reminding myself as I walked around, holding onto things occasionally. Pretending to be alright when I'd catch someone looking at me. Or at least, that's what I was telling myself.

'I look normal. I am sure. But I need this to go faster...I need to go back faster. I want to sit down...'

I walked back to the two with nothing but bread, cheese, and pulled pork.

"For the last time, it was not a toy. It was not mine and...." V was defending himself while Namjoon had his arms crossed and eyes squinted.

I released all the items in the cart loudly.

They both turned to look at me, so I took this chance to speak: "Will you two divorcees hurry up? The store will close before you two pick the toilet paper."

"But he won't..." Namjoon started. I cut him off.

"I don't care. Buy one and then buy the other one next time. Just hurry up."

I requested and walked away.

And I immediately wished I would've shut the hell up when I realized that they were both on my tail now.

They stopped when I stopped walking and if I picked an item, they picked three.

By the time we made it to the cashier, the basket was filled to the brim.

"V, take this back. We don't need bacon. We got four kinds of meat already." Namjoon pointed out while laying the items on the conveyer belt.

"Nah-ah. We got eggs. I need bacon with eggs."

"Then take back the eggs too," Namjoon suggested in a monotone voice.

"Good afternoon," I told the cashier that kept looking up, only to look down immediately when one of the two was facing her way.

"Good evening."

She said, looking at me for a bit too long before checking our things out.

I looked to the right for one moment, and through the see-through doors, I spotted a police car that had just parked.

So, with my breath cut short, I walked to Namjoon and Tae, I snatched the bacon and went right back into the store.

But the problem was that I didn't know where Tae has found the bacon. Nor could I think straight.

I wobbled around for a bit, trying to convince myself that the police weren't here for us, and abandoned the bacon by a bag of chips.

Walked back to the cash registers and almost had a panic attack when I couldn't find the two men.

And then spotted a hand waving back and forth.

They were by the exit with one bag in each hand, looking for me.

I smiled.

Looked to the left and saw a man in a police uniform talking to someone.

Faced forwards when the man looked up to exactly where I was.

Walked straight ahead and didn't look back.

"Let's go." I told them and passed them by in a flash.

It was raining outside.

Not hard enough to drench us in water.

But enough to feel so cold that we'd want to run back inside.

Thing was, I didn't know where back was.

I followed Namjoon like a North star and thanked the universe for his brain in times like these.

After Taehyung talked about nothing besides omelets all the way back, I was hungry as well.

But also, freezing.

I went into the bathroom as soon as we returned.

They were both too busy in the kitchen to mind me.

It didn't dawn on me that I should've let them know I was about to take a shower until Taehyung walked in when I was still taking my clothes off.

"Eh, my bad."

He said, staring at my chest without one ounce of shame. And then went on, unbothered: "Can I take a leak before you shower?"

I nodded slowly.

Grabbed the t-shirt and the hoodie on the way out but didn't get to put them on before Namjoon saw me standing half-naked, by the bathroom door while searching through the bags.

"He kicked you out?"

"No, he had to use the toilet. I'll shower after."

"You're eating too?" He asked.

"Sure."

I said, hugging the clothes to my chest as if I wanted to cover myself, but unsure if I should put them back on.

When Namjoon went into the kitchen, Taehyung got out of the bathroom and tapped my shoulder, which made me flinch.

He didn't notice that and simply walked past me, and into the kitchen while I stood there, waiting for my body to listen to my mind.

I wasn't hungry anymore. I was starving. Feeling weak and colder than before.

I didn't even realize the clothes were wet until I got back in the bathroom and felt wetness on my stomach.

Threw them on the floor and as I was taking down my pants, I spotted half a pill right on the edge of the shower.

I blinked many times before I convinced myself that it was real.

The white tablet was just there. Within my reach.

I inhaled and exhaled deeply.

And told myself: 'It's probably just a painkiller.'

I took it and placed it beside the empty toothbrush holder.

Hopped in the shower and got splashed by cold water that woke me up to reality for about four seconds before I adjusted the temperature and waited for the water to get warmer.

And yet, now, all I could think about was that pill.

I took a quick shower.

And hid the pill in the insides of my pants. Cause if this was a pain pill, there was no harm in having it. And if it was not, I had to know why Taehyung would leave it there.

But then I found myself hesitant to ask with Namjoon in the room.

We ate fast. Like hungry kids.

And complained about eating too much as soon as we were done.

We simply swallowed everything up in less than five minutes.

Tae opened up a bag of chips, staring at the empty wall Namjoon that I stared at not too long ago, and concluded: "We need a Tv."

"Saving money." Namjoon repeated for the thousandth time while washing the dishes.

I could see him from the couch.

Slouched over the sink, throwing cutlery right and left with no gentleness.

"I'll buy one." Taehyung said right back.

"Who's the lunatic you've tricked into hiring you?" Namjoon asked casually.

Tae grinned, saying: "A dealer."

And a bowl slipped from Namjoon's hand and crashed to the floor.

Or he threw it there.

I merely caught sight of the shards and the surprised, yet angry look he had when he turned. The faucet continued to expel water over the brand-new tableware.

"You too?" I asked without thinking.

"What do you mean you too? Tae asked, holding a chip like a prop.

I bit the inside of my lip.

And fixated my gaze on the floor.

"Who hired you?" Namjoon asked in a grave tone.

The lanky guy smiled at him and mocked: "Turn off the water. We're supposed to be saving money Namjoon. Seriously."

But all that happened was that Taehyung was dragged into the only bedroom of the house to be interrogated. Or so, I assumed as I was turning off the sink.

Then looked at the wall and thought: 'We need a tv.'

I got my laptop while they were shouting, put on a stand-up comedy show, and smoked the rest of my joint.

The pill was still burning a hole in my pocket.

When they got out of the bedroom, two episodes later, it looked like Tae didn't get hired by someone Namjoon knew or cared about because he went back to washing the dishes as if nothing's happened.

But when Tae sat by my side to look at what I was looking at, Namjoon harshly demanded: "Jungkook, go to bed."

"But..."

"Watch your show in bed."

I picked up my laptop which didn't make Tae happy as he laid down, legs extended on the couch.

I walked into the bedroom like a scolded child. Saying:

"Goodnight Tae."

"Goodnight J."

'J?' I thought, slightly bothered by the new nickname as I threw the laptop on the bed and shut the door.

One episode later, Namjoon walked in and laid down next to me after he brought all our bags into the room.

He massaged my back while I swayed back and forth just ever so slightly, sitting down. Legs crossed on what I thought was my side of the bed only because it was furthest from the door.

"How are you holding up?" He asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Lack of sunlight doesn't bother you?"

"No... I already forgot about it."

He smiled and started massaging my neck.

"Sorry I left you on your own at the supermarket."

"No worries. You were busy with your wife."

"My wife?"

"Taehyuna."

"Ha-ha." He mocked with irony and massaged further.

Joining his fingers at the front of my neck.

"Stop..." I mumbled.

"It hurts?"

"Not...yet..."

He retracted his hands. And placed his head on the pillow, extended both legs in front of him, and slipped one hand under his head, whispering:

"Comme're."

"Don't even think about it."

"You don't know what I am thinking about."

"Anyone who's ever seen you and I in the same room knows what you're thinking about," I argued, rolling my eyes.

"That's not true. We've fooled the gang for months."

"We were broken up."

"And now we're not so comme're."

I dragged myself to his side and to my surprise, he let me use his stomach as a pillow. Turned the screen towards us with his toe and watched the show with me, caressing my hair.

I fell asleep before the episode had ended.

And woke up to the sound of trap music and broken glass.

I walked out on a sleeping Namjoon and startled a high Taehyung.

"You two can't talk about saving money if you're both breaking dishes." I joked, helping him pick up the shards and throw them into the trashcan that he got from under the sink.

"What happened? He didn't fuck you long enough to make you pass out for once?"

I arched an eyebrow and kept picking up shards.

"You've been listening to music to not hear us fucking?"

"So... did you fuck or nah?"

"No. We did not. Tae." I said, enunciating every word, a bit irritated.

He stuck his tongue out saying: "Just checking."

"For what? Want some earplugs?"

"Your dignity."

I shook my head and pushed on his shoulder lightly.

"Shut up."

"Not only does he hang your genitals outside the bedroom. He also tells you what you can and cannot take. Tell me, are you allowed to eat whatever you want to or..."

"He..."? I started, digging a shard into my finger as the word left my mouth, and then looked at it, trying to get it out with my nails and failing miserably, "He's trying to keep me safe and alive. That's it."

"Give it."

"What?"

I placed my hand in his open palm, expecting him to do the start doing the same thing I was doing, but he trapped my hand in his hold and brought the slightly red finger to his lips only to Lick the small shard and my finger at the same time.

Unconsciously, all I let out was: "What the..." As he licked the piece of glass out and off and then kept licking the red spot, "hell."

I tried to retract my hand forcibly but that only made him look up at me.

"Not into blood?"

"...no."

Taehyung unhooked his fingers from my arm so I retracted it at once.

He stared into my eyes for just a moment, but it was enough to make me feel self-conscious.

Then he casually asked, getting up, and glancing around: "This place didn't come with a broom?"

"The pill..." I whispered, still squatted down, eyes fixated on the small transparent shards, "you left it by the tub."

I got it out of the pocket and showed it to him.

Kim Taehyung looked at it and then up at me.

"What about it?"

"What is ...it?" I dared to ask.

"Methamphetamine."

My lips parted and my mind stood still.

Tae squatted back down to my level, smiling.

"You don't want it? It's a downer."

"No... thanks."

I presented the pill to him in my open hand, but he simply closed my fingers around it. The slightly bleeding finger too.

"You can keep it." He said, standing up.

"I don't want it." I said, standing up.

"Why? You're a dealer now, aren't you? But you can't be around pills without taking them?"

"That's not wh..."

"He's not keeping stuff around you, is he? Does he go take them and deliver immediately so he keeps you 'safe'?"

"V. Will you drop it? Just take the pill."

"V?" He repeated, chuckling. "Wow. That's...wow. Really low of you."

"Take it. Don't take it..." I smacked it on the counter and turned on my heel.

He caught my arm a bit too fast.

It scared me.

But what he said next, calmed me down: "If I am a bit of a jerk, don't hold it against me. I took a bit of...something and can't think straight. You know?"

I turned to see his apologetic face and after fixating my gaze on the arm that was holding me, he let go. And I nodded with understanding.

"Yeah. I know. Just...I don't want any pills."

"Understood. Let's smoke some Jane then."

Half an hour later, we were watching an anime with red eyes and munchies.

We laughed and zoned out until the sun was up.

We wouldn't know if it was up though since there were no windows. Yet, Namjoon coming out of the bedroom with squinted eyes and a puzzled expression on his face had me checking the time.

'Six AM...'

"What are you two doing?" He asked.

"Watching anime." Taehyung responded cheerily.

"Great. Jungkook, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Take the stick out of your ass Namjoon. He didn't take anything he shouldn't and anime can't harm you. It teaches you about life, friendship and..."

"Jungkook?"

I got up as if burnt and walked to the bedroom without much awareness of what was happening.

That was until the door was closed and the anime sounds seemed so far away that they might as well not be real.

"You didn't sleep at all?" He asked, arms crossed.

"We have nothing to do today, so...we don't have anything to do today. We don't, right?" He slapped his forehead and then turned me around, and pushed me towards the bed.

"That's not the point."

"I watched some anime. Did I kill anyone?" I asked, with frustration.

"No. But you know how you get when you don't sleep."

"I'll sleep during the day!" I said, although I got into bed and under the covers.

"And when we do have to go somewhere, you'll just be a zombie?"

"I'll manage..."

"Go to sleep."

"You're really..." I started, but let my head fall on the pillow.

"I am what?"

"Nothing."

"No. Tell me."

"Nothing. Ok? I am in bed. What else do you want?"

"Me?!" He shouted and then pointed to himself, with indignation.

"...let me sleep."

I said, shutting my eyes. And then felt the bed giving in to someone else's weight.

I barely got to open my eyes when his hand was already around my throat and the covers were off my body.

He didn't squeeze hard, but his face was one inch away from mine. It stole the breath right out of my lungs.

"You can stay awake for three days if you want Jungkook."

"I... know..." I whispered, holding onto his wrist tightly.

"But when you'll feel sick..."

"Yeah, I know."

"Then why are you painting me as the bad guy?"

"I am not..."

"Does it make you feel better?"

"No..."

"Be honest. Do you feel better about yourself if it's my fault you don't get to feel sick?"

"I'll sleep...alright? I take it ba...ahh..."

It was simple.

One hard squeezing on my neck. The other hand took a hold of my ass cheek. And I was half hard.

It was pathetic really.

But this man wasn't trying to turn me on. This man was simply asserting his dominance.

I knew it. He knew it.

'He really hangs my genitals outside the door before we go to bed...' I thought.

"Jungkook." He said.

"What?"

My voice got thinner the more he squeezed and my ass cheeks clenched.

Lips right above my lips. The air went through them and landed on mine.

"Don't get too close to V."

"Why?"

"Just...don't."

I wanted to say it was too late, but whatever expression I was making made him grab the pants from behind and slightly pull them down.

"I won't." I quickly promised.

"Good."

Our lips touched. His hand slipped under the pants and grabbed whatever it could.

My throat felt tighter. My tongue was getting sucked in and out.

I couldn't explain it, but after he released my throat, pulled back, and took his hand away from my ass. I almost felt...disappointed.

He patted my head, telling me to go to sleep one more time before walking out of the bedroom.

I almost couldn't believe what just happened until Tae's cheery voice made it through the door.

'I am the one who shouldn't be getting close to him? Yeah, right.'

I pulled the covers over myself and sulked into the pillow.

Scolding myself for wanting more.

Scolding myself for wanting him at all.

Trying to succumb to sleep without touching myself.

And it wasn't hard with the two of them bickering in the other room.

But my dreams were far more pleasant than the already unpleasant reality.

The dreams in which kept taking pills but I couldn't feel their effects. I kept being told I took too many. But I couldn't feel a thing.

I woke up from the nightmare in a panic.

"Jungkook?" Taehyung asked from the edge of the bed.

"What?"

"Do you want a sandwich?"

"...sure..."

I breathed even louder when Tae was gone.

And felt chills down my spine at the memory of the dream.

Because it wasn't the pills or the reactions of others that scared me. But my own willingness and desperation drove me to shove pills down my throat to feel something. With no thought of stopping until I would, eventually, feel better.

„Salami or pork?!" Taehyung screamed from the other room.

„Either one."

„What?!"

„Either one!"

„Ok!"

„Where's..."

And before I got to finish my sentence, Taehyung was back in the room, sitting on the bed.

„Namjoon?" He finished for me.

I nodded.

„No clue. He didn't want to tell me."

I nodded again. Accepting the sandwich although I had no appetite.

The smell was nauseating. And the thought of chewing made me tired.

Tae was staring at me while I was staring at the piece of bread.

I arched an eyebrow.

And he asked: „Want a joint before you eat?"

„Yeah..." I whispered. Ashamed.

But after he rolled it for me and took a hit himself, I didn't feel so bad.

After we ate three sandwiches each, I felt lighter.

We watched another episode of the anime we started yesterday, and I found myself laughing.

And then sad at the thought that Namjoon and I haven't laughed like this in a long time.

Tae seemed to have noticed something was on my mind when he didn't start the next episode and instead, sat beside me without saying a word.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest.

I stood there. Head on his breast. Hearing his heart beating.

And I swallowed the last drop of saliva I had.

"Tae?" I asked.

"..."

"What are you doing?"

"Holding you."

"...why?"

"I feel like it."

I nodded to myself and tried to move away and up but he only held me tighter.

"I am not going to do anything Jungkook, just relax."

"Relax?"

"Yeah. Relax."

I smiled and then straight out laughed.

"I don't think I know how to relax."

"Try it. Right now. Don't think of anything and just exist."

'Just exist...' I thought, frowning. Staring at the blank wall.

"Existing is not relaxing for me." I said with honesty.

"Then don't exist. Imagine you've already died and just be in this moment. Nothing will happen tomorrow. Nothing has happened yesterday."

"But that's not true..."

"It doesn't have to be."

'But that's the problem. It does. For me...it has to be true.' I thought.

"You're right. I am a bit more relaxed now." I lied.

"I know, right?! It's magic."