Maybe you're not so bad

CHAPTER – 5

Distractions- a word Madeleine Hart had grown up hearing a lot. A word she had grown to hate and it’s important to note that Maddie was of the opinion that ‘hatred’ was too strong of an emotion, to be just randomly thrown around as an expression.

‘I’m afraid Madeleine’s too much of a distraction to other students in class.’

‘A lot of teachers have often complained that Maddie is um.. often a distracted child, who doesn’t pay a lot of attention during lessons.’

‘Madeleine stop creating a nuisance this very instance! You’re distracting everyone in class.’

Mr. Hart would keep mum in front of the teachers, but on the ride back home, he mumbled out all his frustrations. The girl had just lost her mother for goodness’ sake! Why couldn’t they have been more understanding? And Maddie, who’d just finished spelling out the ‘d’-word on the fogged window, wondered if being a distraction was a horrible thing to be.

So the little girl, cradling her mother’s photograph as she fell asleep, promised to never ever be a ‘distraction’. And Madeleine always kept her promises, always.

She wasn’t a distraction to teachers anymore, they were extremely happy; if partners told her that their relations posed a distraction to their studies, then she moved herself out of the way, it didn’t matter if she wasn’t happy doing it.

And over time, if there was one thing Maddie knew for sure, it was that life was unpredictable; feelings, opinions and thoughts changed and drastically so.

Distractions didn’t seem so bad anymore, they felt nice, comforting even. They were that cozy blanket which kept you warm on a rainy day, their heat, more than enough to thaw the freezing storm in your heart. They took the pain away and buried it somewhere deep inside of you, and there was sunshine again.

However, distractions were one more thing, disappointments. And currently, Maddie’s room, littered with clothes in every single corner, was a disappointment- a massive one.

Crawling onto her bed, she stared at the wall alongside, covered with polaroids, or as Sarah had said, her ‘memory wall’. It was true, whenever Maddie’s heart had ached a little too much, she would turn over and be transported to anywhere she wanted to be, where she wasn’t alone. That wall was her healing place, and she felt that true magic happened there.

Because how could anything be more magical than getting to live in and make memories with the ones you loved and cherished immensely.

Looking at the wall today was of no help, and when she felt hot stinging tears burning her cheeks, she sobbed,” Why am I crying?”

She knew the answer to the looming question, the huge rock resting over her heart was pressing down. The pressure oozed pain, acting as a constant reminder of how lonely she felt, even worse after what had happened in the library.

Drawing her knees to her chest, Maddie curled into a ball the same way she did about ten years ago, where she had mumbled to herself, on her mother’s birthday, ”Today was supposed to be a happy day”.

Maddie thought of crying herself to sleep like she did back then, but she knew that if she did, then the next day she’d have to wake up to the realization that mom wasn’t coming back, and she didn’t have the strength for that.

So when Sarah allowed herself into the room she didn’t even protest, letting her eyes close when her best friend kneeled down in front of her.

“Maddie”, Sarah’s voice was barely above a whisper. When she didn’t respond Sarah tried again, almost whimpering,” Maddie please”.

“ I was a huge asshole today and you didn’t deserve any of that. I don’t know what happened, I was anxious for some stupid reason but I didn’t realize it would make me such a bitch. But that’s not an excuse, please be angry at me, talk to me please”, Sarah’s voice broke at almost every word and Maddie gulped hard, all her tears building up at the back of her throat.

Maddie hadn’t realized Sarah had been anxious, which made her even madder because she was the one who had pointed out how bad it had gotten in the past month. Had she really chosen to ignore Sarah’s woes?

Sun rays shining directly into her eyes, she peeked at Sarah. Tear droplets were hanging from her eyelashes and her cheeks were scrubbed red, possibly because of constantly her wiping them with her sleeve and her lips were still quivering, swollen from being chewed on.

Maddie sat up straight, startled because she couldn’t remember the last time Sarah had cried in front of her. Sarah really was sorry, she hadn’t doubted that; but the tears made it all the more real and scared her too.

Still not ready to talk, she scouted the two tubs of butterscotch ice-cream Sarah had brought along with her and she spoke in a murmur,” Do you have spoons?”

Licking the last of the ice-cream off her spoon, Sarah cast a glance at Maddie, who hadn’t spoken a word since. When she noticed just how red Maddie’s eyes were, Sarah instinctively whispered an apology.

Maddie just stared at Sarah, even raising an eyebrow as if asking, ’What are you sorry for?’

“Please talk to me”, Sarah requested, pushing the second tub of ice-cream towards her. She wanted Maddie to break the silence; silences had been her Achilles’ heel today. Silence from Maddie meant she had given up on her, and she couldn’t have that happen, not so soon.

Maddie parted her lips but no voice escaped her, and when she took a minute to assemble her thoughts, she still couldn’t decide what to say.

After a whole five minutes, in which Sarah felt her heart almost stop multiple times, Maddie ran her hands through her thick curly hair, before resting her chin on one hand,” I’m not saying that I’m forgiving you, just yet”, she eyed Sarah, who was gulping in anticipation,” But I don’t wanna be sad anymore, so I need your help”.

Nodding, Sarah picked at her earlobe,” Okay. What can I help you with?”

Maddie felt the excitement she had felt earlier in the day resurface by a hint, and she bit down on her lip, inching her shoulders closer to her face, ”A date”.

Sarah’s eyes widened with surprise and Maddie recognized the long amiss sparkle in them shine through. Sarah’s brows furrowed with concentration as she mused,” With Nick?”

When Maddie nodded in affirmation, Sarah prompted further, brows now wiggling,” Nick who?”

Pressing her lips together, Maddie broke into a huge smile, drawing Sarah in as she built up the suspense,” Nick. Nicole. Nicole John”, almost singing out the last syllable.

Outside Maddie’s street, a petrified dog-walker dragged a pup to the opposite end as the canine whined upon hearing the loud scream. Inside, Maddie pressed a pillow onto Sarah’s face, mouthing the words- ‘ You are so loud’, as she struggled to suppress her own giggles.

*********************

‘Breathe, breathe, breathe’, Dan chanted to himself, dabbing at the sweat collecting on his brow. Just minutes ago, he had been dumping his belongings into a cardboard box and now the room was spinning around him, melting his anger into another bout of nervousness.

Resting his head on the back of the beige sofa, he looked around the room that was usually referred to as the ‘living room’ of their home. To him though, it hadn’t felt like home in a long time.

Peering into the make-shift box lying near his foot, his fury began to rise again. All he could see were a couple of photo-frames and a few plaques in his name, maybe a pen stand or two, but nothing he could count as significant. The room barely looked any different, it was like he had never been there.

‘And starting tomorrow, I never will be.’

Even though his thoughts were still eating him up, his head instantaneously turned to the intrusion near the door and he spotted a shorter version of his wife, whom he had loved for a whole of eighteen years, but the eyes that gazed back at him, were his own.

“Hi dad.”

“Hi Sarah”, his lips curled into a small smile and fell immediately when he saw her eyes scan the room before landing back on him.

“Are you okay? You look really pale”, she noticed how his tie was barely hanging on from his neck and how his shirt was almost completely wet from his sweat.

Standing up with a start, Daniel Thomas wiped his glasses on his shirt, assuring his daughter,” Yeah no, I’m fine honey. Just packing”.

She nodded understandingly,” Oh, I thought you were coming in tomorrow, I wasn’t expecting you here”.

“Yeah uh.. I thought I’d start a little early”, he looked around once more, painfully aware of just how similar the room looked as before. Surely Sarah wouldn’t have missed this obscenity.

Almost as if sensing his hurt, Sarah spoke up,” I uh.. I just helped Maddie get ready uh.. get ready for a date”.

“Oh that’s uh”, Dan struggled for words,” That’s great. Go Maddie!”, he punched the air, his fist spreading further the taste of uncertainty hanging along.

“Yeah”, rubbing her neck, Sarah looked at the floor. Suddenly she felt like she was trapped in a room with a stranger and the feeling nearly suffocated her. She realized her father resonated her thoughts when she noted the tapping of his foot and grabbed the opportunity.

“ Uh so I’m gonna go, I have”, halting Sarah mentally smacked herself. What did she have to do? Homework? With school ending in three days?

Dan Thomas though, wasn’t one to easily let go of an easy escape and grabbed the box-of-nothing, almost tripping on the carpet, ”Well you know what? I’m going to leave too. I’ll get the rest of my stuff tomorrow”, and pressed a chaste kiss on Sarah’s forehead.

However, guilt crept up on him as soon as his foot was out of the door and he caused Sarah’s heart to leap into her throat when he called her out. Peeking in from the top of the staircase, she shouted, ”Yeah?”

Although he had struggled to find topics of interest with his daughter for the past two years, when Dan opened his mouth, the words automatically flew out, because he had thought them out about a million times,” I know things haven’t been the best for quite some time now, but you can still talk to me honey. I’m still your dad and you’re still my Sarah- boo”.

If Dan could see Sarah then he would have first watched her face plaster with astonishment, before it crumpled as she held back her tears, ” I know Dad”, nostalgia washing over when she heard her nick-name, “I know”.