The Friend

May 1413

For the celebrations my husband force me to leave my chambers. My health is no concern of his, only that his appearance at the festivities will look better if he has his wife by his side. Honestly, I do not have the energy to talk with him about it. It's easier to do what I am told without putting up a fight. I pick out a simple white gown, take my matching umbrella in my hand and join my husband outside my door.

The feast is excruciating. The people are loud, the music is unbearable and everyone is so happy, laughing at everything and smiling as though it is merely another celebration. It is then I realise that I will be the one and only person to ever grieve my unborn child. Surprisingly, after the more people we greet, it becomes somewhat easier to fake my smile. I put on a show for everyone and nobody will question it.

An hour or so later my husband is deep into a conversation about virgin prostitutes with another highborn Lord and I have almost fallen asleep by his side.

"Your Grace."

I turn around and find that I am looking at a familiar smiling face.

"Edmund. I did not know you were back at court."

"In fact I am only here for the food and ale."

He looks handsome, standing tall, earlier following the celebrations closely but now his gaze is fixed on me. I want desperately to get away from my husband who is now trying to convince the man next to him that he has bedded no less than seven virgins, not including myself I imagine since his wife is often forgotten.

"Would you take a walk with me?"

Edmund looks stunned but only for a moment before he gives me his hand. We walk around the grounds for a few minutes and exchange polite conversation about the weather and the feast. When that is done, we share a short silence before Edmund somehow comes to speak off his disagreements with his father and the death of his Lady Mother so openly that I do not know how to respond. At least now I do not remember why I had ever found his company boring. After a while he falls silent and stops walking.

"I am so sorry Your Grace, I should not be telling you all this, it was very rude of me."

I turn to face him and for the first time since I had bled the smile on my lips is not forced.

"It's quite alright Edmund. I lost my brother not long ago and I still carry that pain with me. You have no reason to be sorry."

He makes a gesture like he will take my hand but before he has the chance he is interrupted by the King.

"Your Majesty", we both greet him but his eyes are only on me.

"I do hope you're feeling better Your Grace."

"Thank you Your Majesty, I am."

When I get up and look him in the eye it appears as though he has forgotten where we are as he grabs a hold of my hands and stand so close that our shoes almost meet. This is not how he usually behaves towards me in public and I know the Queen's eyes could easily detect us from where we are standing but I do not wish to pull away just yet.

"You look so very thin my love, let's get you some duck. Boy!"

Charles is calling on a servant who runs towards the table that is packed with everything you could expect from a May Day celebration.

"Thank you for your concern Your Majesty but I have eaten too much already. Anymore and I will rip my gown."

He begins to laugh and now I can see the longing in his eyes.

"Lay with me tonight", he says softly in my ear so no one else can hear.

This whisper awakes a yearning inside me for someone to hold me, even though I know Charles wants more than my embrace. I have denied him once and I dare not do it again so all I do is nod. With a smile he walks back to his rightful place of honour next to the Queen.

"So it is true. You are the King's mistress."

I have nearly forgot that Edmund is still standing beside me and his choice of words suddenly enrage me.

"I know this is difficult for a man like you to understand but women do as they are told."

As soon as I speak the harsh words I know I will regret them. My behaviour is anything but Lady-like and Edmund must think me insane. But his answer is not what I had expected at all.

"I do understand Your Grace. My mother was summoned by the King's father on a few occasions and I learned early that she did not have a choice in the matter."

I am suddenly overcome with guilt and I feel foolish. Why had I presumed to know anything about Edmund's life and family?

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to…"

"It's alright Your Grace. Shall we continue?"

We walk around the grounds for another hour, Edmund speaking about his mother and me remembering my brother for the first time in a long time. When I tell Edmund my husband had not let me visit my family or attend my brother's burial it is his turn to be infuriated.

"I know this is not my place but such behaviour is simply cruel."

We have only spent a few hours together and still I feel that I can trust him more than anyone at court, maybe even more than Charles with his unpredictable nature. We have now wandered away from the celebrations and nobody can hear or see us.

"My husband is a cruel man. I have heard he was deeply in love with his first wife and a much gentler man back then. When she died with their baby boy people say he went mad. When he got better something was broken within him I suppose. But this is only gossip."

I know very well it is dangerous for me to confide these things to anyone, let alone someone who is close to my husband. Maybe I am still in a fragile state but if I do not speak frankly to someone I am afraid I will burst. Catherine is a good handmaiden but there are many things I can not speak to her about. I confide in her too much already, which is always a risk since my husband knows very well that she is the one I am closest to in my household.

"There is nearly always some truth to gossip", Edmund says as he bends down and picks a small lilac flower. "Do you know what this is?"

I'm educated in many subjects but botany has never been of interest to me so I shake my head.

"Agrostemma githago", he says holding the little flower so gently between his index finger and thumb. "Or you simply call it Corncockle."

I can not help but giggle and Edmund gives me an amused look.

"I think I never heard such an unattractive name for a flower in my life."

"But it's beautiful is it not?"

I study it once more and then lean against a nearby tree. The walk has been longer and more tiring than I expected. Seven days in my chamber has not helped my stamina.

"Could we rest for a while? I am still feeling a bit weak I'm afraid."

"But of course. Do you want me to bring you something, a chair or some wine?"

"Don't be silly Edmund, you need not run around like my servant."

I sit down on the soft grass and gripp it in my hand. The day is sunny but I can still feel the damp soil from the night's rain.

"As a child I adored the forest. My brother and I would stay there for hours whenever we could get away."

The memories of me and Edward hiding behind trees, trying to catch rabbits and building our own castles with sticks suddenly fills my eyes with tears. As the salty water runs down my face Edmund rush to my side and wipe them away with a beige handkerchief. His fingers feel cold but something about his faint smell of sandalwood and sweat calms me.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me", I say when I have composed myself a bit.

"Are you feeling any better?"

The question is reasonable but I do not know how I feel. All I can think of is the loss of my brother, my poor innocent child and my family. I had seen neither mother nor father since my wedding and I had never missed them more. I do not answer and Edmund puts his handkerchief back in his pocket.

"Take it." In the palm of his hand rests the small lilac flower. "Even if it has an ugly name"

I smile as he lays the delicate thing in my hand and I realise it is indeed more beautiful than its name.