The Gamble

As I approach Charles' chambers I have to walk slowly so that my legs will not tremble. Will he notice something different about me, my body or mind? Everything about me feels altered so how can he not notice? When I am inside the chambers I can not see him anywhere so I call out for him but there is no response. I walk over to the table and pour two glasses of wine. As I finish mine there is still no sign of him. I pour myself another glass and sit down on the bed. With the hand that isn't holding the glass I reach out and touch the soft sheets. Perhaps I can be my normal self with him if I only try hard enough.

The door swing open and there he is with a piece of parchment in his hand and a smile on his lips.

"Charles."

Quickly he leaves the paper on the table and walk towards me. His kiss calms me as usual but when my nightgown comes off he quickly pulls away like someone has dragged him off me. So he can tell something is not right. Why can I not act better when I need to?

"What's the matter?"

He starts to pace back and forward next to the bed then suddenly freeze and scream:

"Vermin!"

Maybe I should take offence but he does not look at me and does not acknowledge my presences when he walks over to the chair and grabs his sword. My breathing becomes shallow when I look down on my legs and noticed several green and yellow bruises. Charles is walking with firm steps towards the door but somehow I get there before him. My naked body covers the door and I know he can pull me away too easily. There is a deep rage in his eyes and his tense face has turned his beautiful features into a hard mask.

"I gave that worm a warning", he growls. "One warning and he knew what it meant. Step aside."

Exposed in the flesh I stand my ground and defy my King and lover.

"No, please Charles. I laid with my husband and this is what I had to pay. This is my price for...a child."

I can not weep in front of the King of England so I force myself to stay calm even though only saying the words out loud had taken all the power from me. After a few seconds Charles lowers his sword and eventually let it fall to the floor. For a while we lay on the bed both silent and looking up at the ceiling.

"Brave Emily."

That is all he says to me that night but it is enough. After falling back into our routines it felt comforting to spend yet another night in his arms.

Walking towards the great hall with my handmaidens the following day Edmund suddenly appears by my side.

"I did not think I would see you at court so soon", I say smiling.

"Your Majesty was generous enough to invite me to stay and I could hardly refuse him."

He escorts me to the hall and is about to leave to walk over to his father.

"Would you join me for some wine after supper in my chambers?" I hear myself asking hastily.

I can see the startled expression on his face but underneath it I also see something else.

"I thank you for the invitation Your Grace but I do not think it would be appropriate."

I am not a fool and know very well that it would be anything but proper but I can talk to Edmund and since I do not know when he would leave court there is no time like the present.

"I have been summoned by Your Majesty tonight. Would you please join me for some wine before I go? I promise I will not hold you captive for more than an hour."

This makes him smile and he has soon agreed to keep me company. As he knocks on my door later that night I dismiss all my handmaidens. Catherine lingers at the door and does not join the rest of them before I glare at her. I know what she is thinking. This is not appropriate behaviour for a Duchess. But my reputation is already dragged through the dirt. What is one more scandal at this point?

"Do you know anything of the King's plans to invade France?"

Edmund has finished his third glass of wine while I have only started my second.

"I do not. Then we do not speak of such affairs."

He gives me a peculiar look like he is trying to figure out what someone like me can be conversing with the King of England about but thankfully he do not comment on my statement.

"Me and father are in a disagreement because of this yet fictitious war", he instead continues.

"How so?"

"I want to fight for my King and countrymen but father says I will not survive it. He thinks me weak."

My cup is half empty and from my dizziness I realise I have drunk it too quickly. I am not a drinker and this is not like me. Perhaps Edmund is a bad influence on me.

"I have not known you for long", I say "but I do know you are not weak. However this war you're speaking of is still not a reality."

He drinks the last drops of wine and puts the glass down with a bang that makes me spill what remains of my drink. Edmund rushes to my side and once more he takes out his beige handkerchief.

"I am so sorry. I must have ruined your dress."

I look down at my light coloured gown and realise he is right. Half of the red wine from my cup has now stained it beyond saving.

"I will have to change into something else before I visit the King."

"Of course, I will leave you."

"No", I say while grabbing his hands. Tonight they are much warmer than in the woods. "Please will you not stay?"

He pulls away but remains in the chambers. I walk behind the drape and put on the nearest thing my hands find.

"I know this is inappropriate but would you consider discreetly asking Your Majesty about his plans for France?"

I have never before asked Charles about matters of the state, mostly because it does not interest me, but I also doubt he will trust me with such information. After all I am only one of his women, only a more regular one than most.

"I will try but do not hope for an answer", I say from behind my wall.

I have not worn the white nightgown since my first night with Charles but now it is the only one I can find. I pull out the pins that has kept my hair in place and let it hang freely down my back. I put on a gold and black robe before I stepped out. Some people, or half the court, might call me a whore but I still have some decency left in me. Edmund is facing the door and all I can see of him is his broad back. I sit down and pour more wine for both of us.

"Have another cup with me."

Slowly he turns back around and as he walks back to his chair I can see that his entire body has tensed up. He empties his cup hastily and keep his eyes on the wall behind me. I study him restlessly tapping his fingers against the cup as his eyes still avoid me for some unknown reason. I decide that it is time for a serious question to wake him up.

"How come you're not married?"

Finally he looks me in the eye but what I see confuse me.

"I was betrothed not long ago. After my mother died it did not feel right anymore. Father was furious of course but I refused. It would not have been right to the girl. She has a good heart."

I remember hearing this story before but as he tells it, it does not sound like angry gossip but simply like someone being torn between their duty and their heart. If I am not mistaken, his betrothal had been to Lady Cecily, a woman my age who always looks sickly when she visits court. But then she was the daughter of some important Lord and therefore every eligible bachelor would be lucky to marry her. In theory.

"I envy you", I blurt out before I can stop myself. I take another mouthful of wine and close my eyes. "I had not even bled before my father had arranged my marriage. If I had been older I might have understood what a great match it truly was but all I felt was betrayed. It felt like father only wanted to sell me off like cattle to the man with the largest fortune and greatest title."

When I open my eyes Edmund is standing up.

"I should leave."

"Have I offended you somehow?"

"Of course not but it's getting late."

In his company, thoughts of meeting the King has quickly escaped my mind.

"When will I see you again?" I ask.

Once again, Edmund does not look me in the eye and does not speak. Is it possible that he is already bored with me? I have not truly confided in anyone since I left my home and had not realised how much I missed it.

"My friend, please would you join me tomorrow evening for a game of cards?"

At my words he smiles warmly and kiss my hand. I have received the answer I wish for.