Thank You

My hesitation is still not gone as I approach Charles' door. For over an hour I have stood ready to crawl to bed on the cold floors of my chambers and suddenly came to the conclusion that I now have nothing to lose by visiting the King. I'm not unfaithful to my husband or my heart and even though I can never admit it to Charles or to God, I will never put his needs or my own above Richard's.

Now I begin to worry that he's asked another woman to join him since I never gave him an answer, most likely the one with dark hair. The door swing open and as Charles approach me I realise he's alone.

"I had nearly given up hope you would come", he says as he caress my cheek. "What took you so long?"

His hand as it travels from my cheek down to my collarbone leaves a burning trail on my skin. With one touch he's roused the passion from so many years ago.

"I was…thinking." His hands are following the outlines of my breasts and forming a thought takes a while. "Why me?"

He places his hands on my cheeks and when I find his gaze, it's swimming with desire.

"Don't you know by now? You are an irresistible goddess."

The statement makes us both laugh and after our first kiss in more than ten years he removes my gown and explores my body as so many times before. I did not realise how much I had longed for his touch until I had it once more. My legs are trembling as he touch my lower back, his touch leaving its fiery trail wherever it goes. When he firmly pushes me down on the bed, he takes my breast in his mouth and quickly I feel my nipple stiffen.

"I've not been with another since you", I say in a drowsy voice.

Charles' wet lips that taste of wine find mine.

"I shall be gentle love," he whispers softly.

I get on top of him and bite his lower lip as I kiss him deeply.

"Don't be."

January 1429

Me and Richard decide to stay a whole fortnight at the palace. Sophie and her husband have remained with us and for once, I have enjoyed the days at court. Even if there are many years between them, my son and the Duke of Norfolk find common ground and Sophie and I are chatting like we have never been separated. We walk arm in arm through the familiar gardens but not for very long as the wind is chilling us to the bone. The conversations are never about Edmund but sometimes when she looks at me I can tell that she's wondering if my smiling face is simply a disguise.

On New Year's Day, the snow finally falls and leave the world in its white embrace. Richard cannot hide his delight and force me out in the early hours to build a snow lantern like my husband always did with him. As the sun rise I see Charles' face in one of the windows looking out over the yard. When he see me watching him as well he sends a crooked, wicked smile my way and I cannot stop myself from laughing.

Since that first evening I have spent every night in Charles' bed and of course the gossip has begun once more. But this time I'm even more scandalous because now I'm a rich widow who's not remarried even though my husband's been dead for seven years. There are all kinds of conspiracy plots surrounding me now. One of the worst that my plan is to poison the Queen and take her place. Sophie laughs when I tell her but every time I think about it my stomach turns. Queen Mary has been nothing but gracious and polite towards me but then she's the master of masking her true feelings. When I finally pluck up the courage to speak to Charles of my concerns he too laughs and kiss my nose.

"Anyone who knows you will think it ridiculous and the fools who believe it are nothing but fools."

His hand start to find its way to my inner thigh but for once I stop his advances.

"What if my Richard hears these things? My son should not have to bare my shame."

All the glow disappears from his face and he looks at me strangely.

"You might not know how people look at me but I certainly do. They call me King's whore to my face and I imagine the names I don't hear are even worse. I did not care much before but now I…Richard should not suffer because of the choices I make."

He's been silent a long time before he speaks.

"You are everything but my whore Emily. You know that you may leave anytime you wish. The very first time you came to me I gave you a choice."

For a second I close my eyes and imagine my life if I'd refused him that night. There was nothing. No joy, no pleasure, no love. An empty shell of a life which I do not wish upon my worst enemy. When I open my eyes again he watch me closely but I have no idea what thoughts run through his head.

"I'll never regret giving you my consent. Never."

The yearning is again written all over his face but I cannot give in yet.

"Even if he is a Duke, my son is still a boy. I must protect him."

"He does not know the truth of his father then?"

I shake my head aggressively.

"And he must never know. He loved my late husband more than he could ever love me. You can never beat the ghost of a man."

He takes a firm hold of my chin so I cannot look away.

"That boy loves you fiercely. He stood up to his father, a man more than twice his age before I could."

I'm mortified that Charles saw my encounter with Edmund but I realise he's right. It must have taken much courage for my son to confront Edmund. Finally I begin to feel that Richard will eventually forgive me for my many indiscretions. But he will not hear about them from some chattering Lady.

"We must simply be more discrete", I say determinately. "The court will get something else to gossip about soon enough."

"Whatever you say my goddess."

When his hand moves towards my inner thigh once more I do not stop him.

Charles' gaze is still following me when Richard also notice him in the window. He looks from me to the King twice before he speaks.

"Mother I hear all sort of tales here and most of it I ignore." I know what's coming but still I wait patiently for him to say it. "But when I hear things about you I can't ignore it. They are saying dreadful things."

I look at my son, knowing he cannot bear to repeat what the court's saying about me.

"I know all they're saying Richard. When you are older I will explain it all."

He does not look pleased and then he says the words. I can stand the gossip from the Lords and Ladies but hearing the words from my own son cuts deeper than hearing the insults from a hundred others.

"So you are the King's whore."

"You may be the Duke of Suffolk but I'm your Lady mother and you will take care in how you speak to me. I'm nobody's whore" I do truly hate the word. "but I do not deny that I share the King's bed."

He stands mute for a few moments before he storms off back into the palace and leaves me alone in the cold with the sun rising above the treetops. I try to visit him but he refuse to see me. He's shut me out and I can't blame him. I speak to him of God and respecting his teachings. I have raised my boy good but I cannot follow the right path myself.

The only thing I want is to visit Charles to make me forget the look on Richard's face but that makes me feel even guiltier. With a hard knot in my belly, I still answer the King's summon that night. Without saying a word, I ride him violently until we both let out our final screams of ecstasy. When I roll off him I can't stomach to look at him. This wonderful man who's led me on a path of destruction and delight. I fix my eyes on the wall and try to slow my breathing. He waits for me to come to him, to put my head on his chest and caress his arm, but I never do.

"He knows and he loathes me."

My voice sounds as defeated as I felt. Charles neither moves nor spoke. He does not tell me that everything will be alright and does not put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. We are not children anymore. When I rise from the bed and begin putting my gown back on he does not stop me. As I watch him, he sits up and the glistening sweat covers his torso. Then I also see the deep scratches the nails from my right hand has left on his chest. For once, I want to be able to kiss his pain away as he'd done so many times when I had come to his bed, bruised and beaten from my husband.

"Thank you", I say instead and I'm nearly by the door when his voice reach me.

"What for?"

I stop for a moment and then I leave.