when wrong seems right

This shouldn't be written. For a collection of reasons. Not just one or maybe two but plenty of them.Actually numerous reasons. Amongst them being a thousand disadvantages than advantages or maybe it's meant to be the secret of the heart. The one it may concern can never read it. It may be read by those it doesn't concern. Only writers will understand the shadows behind and the struggles beyond words put into the explanation. This making it the most important fact that if writing is what you hold on to the most, then books become your best friend .non-human, doesn't talk back but probably can be the world's best listener. Books are genuine and more secretive becomes quality you can trust that maybe the reason why I put it down is to let it go. Letting go doesn't always work. Still the "shouldn't be written' motion overtakes it all but who cares? This itself shouldn't have happened. Why? Because there is no happy ending. Which side be genuine...I don't know. We used to school together, we were not just schooling, schooling together, he was my classmate and further more, he used to be my desk mate. Right next to him was my position. At his right hand was where I belonged. That may be fate or some kind of tricks spicing it all up, but anyway who knows? We used to share all essentials; we used to help each other out with what the other lacked. Maybe he could be generous with his pen when I misplaced mine or maybe an eraser when I forgot to bring mine. We shared assignments and textbooks, maybe even notes though that may be unclear. That wasn't any special then and as a matter of fact none of us recognized that well, at least I never did and actually then it didn't matter at all. We were both just kids and we've never been in relationships. At least I didn't get involved in any maybe same case for him or actually the vice versa may be true .Right from then we were too worlds apart. He was a cool kid and didn't like much attention while I on the other hand was the complete opposite. I was a parrot .l loved talking of which till date is part of me. Only few factors silenced me then and now him being the greatest factor. I think talking is my hobby if that could describe the situation. He was a silent person .He only talks when it's necessary. He used to be a focused student * I mean pupil. That's all I could put into explanation about him .Well I didn't know him that much .I only knew that he related to my best friend in a way and nothing much oh and he used to be the lightest guy in our class Just that .Actually this may be how our characters contrasted .

Now, this becomes the hardest part of words put into an explanation. He didn't matter then but now he does. He actually does almost most. Then I never noticed him not even for a second maybe that is why I've got few memories of him. Then I used to notice a different person though not this much. We both went our ways when our seasons were over. After the final exams, we used to be intact a little, not that much but at least to a bit of extent that I was able to know the high school he would enroll in. Not that I was much interested like I am now, just that I was social be the word. Or rather I used to sneak my nose in peoples' business as He would have maybe termed it of which in my sense it would be the complete opposite... That I loved knowing about my friends and classmate's whereabouts and well-being. All in all. I got to know. I swear I was happy for him. I did think of how fancy the school was and I was extremely happy for him and it was a sincere well wish. Actually, I stole his contact from just to have it. Didn't matter then but know it really does, and the funny part even then I literary couldn't afford to lose it. I could clarify there ain't a feelings attached..

Life kept us all busy and contact became rare. A whole year passed and no one looked for the other. I still had his contact for some reason I couldn't lose it. After the second year I decided to text him. My texts received delayed response of which didn't matter a lot and actually I happen to be the most understanding at times. Sometimes it gets me thinking maybe he's got to be too busy with school or he's not a fun of mobile phone. No maybe he has changed no. My conscience keeps defending him to the point of him never being wrong.

I happen to open an Instagram accounts and saw his photos. He used to be a gym-goer every weekend or God knows how frequent he does that. He also happens to study at the coastal region of Kenya and does go to the beach often and God knows how frequent still. Photos taken by such a person need no more reasons to be eye-catching. Background was just perfect and so was the person. His body molded by the gym and his little sense of dress spiced up the situation. This all in combination gave him several likes on Instagram. Beauty catches the eye and the chemistry of what happens after the eye is caught is what I can't explain. The photos were appealing and my eyes couldn't be an exemption. Feelings developed and continued to grow. The photos become what was called a craving. His number become too precious. I used to text him so often and the replies never got any better. It actually got much worse. Days would pass, weeks which would become months, still no replies. I would wait for that single hello of his for my hi for the longest time possible. But most of the time it didn't matter because I always felt his hello. He's got to be my saving grace, was surrounded by his embrace. He was everything I needed and more but it's all only in my head. Feeling grew deeper, pain became more. I couldn't take it anymore. l needed somebody to share this with. I needed a little consolation maybe... No or even pity. Just expressing it. I thought would made me feel better but the question is to who??. So obvious that it couldn't be to him. Millions of factors being considered. Better not be him. I decided to let the cat out of the bag. To my best friend. This lady happens to be his cousin. She felt my heart bleeding love, pain in my words, she saw shatter in my eyes. A best friend in deed she was. Her heart couldn't bear my pain either. We did talk the departed she decides to confront him.

'What do you think you are?' Says the 'best friend in need' to her cousin. "Go through your contacts and see to whom you've been unfair to the most lately." He knows it all. May he does even that which I hid from him. Okay, not necessarily hidden but didn't tell him. Wait a minute, did He even give me the chance? Did he look interested in hearing? Do I have the guts to tell a guy that I am crushing on him? Won't that be like literally begging for a relationship? It is not that I lacked anything that other girls had and not to brag out but actually people often describe me as 'very beautiful' though it lies in the eyes of the beholder and the beholder happens to be not him. I may be proud but one thing is for sure my consideration of expressing my feelings first is desperate.

Maybe going through his contacts, he realized the person he was most unfair to ." Mambo Mariam," was the best text message I received that holiday. I couldn't be happier! I wanted to hear his voice read the text and hear his voice announce to the world and let them know. I couldn't delay for even a second with much care not to make a mistake, I would reply after much filtering. The conversation went on and on to a point it was so interesting. This was the first time we were chatting and that got me elevated."So Mariam, I have been told something by my cousin and I would like to ask you something," He says "Go ahead" I said with a voice full of hope .The news that I was expecting already sent me to a different planet."So Mariam you've got a crush on me, you're really a nice girl and beautiful too blaah blaah," all the nice things dudes say in order to justify themselves or maybe try make the situation less painful. 'But right now isn't the perfect time for me and actually I also had a girlfriend I really loved so much and she loved me the same' At this point in time I just wanted to see that girlfriend. I honestly did."But we broke up because we were both in…"I couldn't finish reading the reason. I was happy because they broke up. It was nice, whichever the lamest reason, They should break up anyway. They really should . Yeah ,they had to. "…both in fourth form and I needed to give us time to study." Oh come on what did he think of me! Some dummy who doesn't understand the value of education? Was I in form 1 then? For Gods sake I was already bored with the conversation. I was .For a moment I even thought it would be better if he had not answered or replied my text just like before. But then, no even the word that came from him were relief. At least I know He's fine. He's got no girlfriend at that moment, He's got to be a gentleman and values studies. He's got to try and not hurt my feeling though he actually did. For someone like me who loves looking at the brighter side and try to be positive he actually got a point. So he continues, "Am sorry but maybe we'll think about it after exam, I mean in December" I don't remember any other word he typed since I don't ,maybe the rest lacked much impacts. For a moment I felt betrayed by my bestfriend . I felt like she wronged me and that she shouldn't have told him at all .But coming to think of it ,she isn't wrong .She may be right. She just wanted the best for me. She saw and felt my suffering and it did hurt her too even if it wasn't as much as I did ,but it actually was painful to her as well. We chose to stick together and she did no more that that. I shouldn't blame her for my misfortune, if that's the correct word.

I tried to put myself in her shoe. I know I would have done the same if she fell for my brother. At some point I had to think properly before replying. This is the guy who supposedly I would have gotten space in my heart for and I wanted him to be there for me but still I hated humiliation and ass a matter of fact I actually shouldn't expect anything positive, to my best friend after she asked not because am pessimistic but the truth is told. I could as well deny that I never had a crush on him and that it was all a misunderstanding. I didn't talk to him after she talked to him. The conversation started with her name and that gave me a bit of a clue that she's got something to do with this. I had to filter what to say clearly because its consequences can affect the three parties involved. I couldn't reject the fact and make her look like a liar before him. I couldn't beg for a chance and make myself look like a fool before him either. Neither would I be rude and hurt him. I decided to accept for the best. It could be the wisest decision I ever made since it could increase my points before him as well it could be the dampest thing I have ever done and maybe it made me look more stupid than I actually was. That was probably the last text message we sent each other. I also knew my stand. I went and made an intention of forgetting him. It happened that we had a trip to the region he studied and I was again foolish enough for the first time to attempt calling him. I called twice but he didn't receive it. Afterward, he called back and I was brief in telling him my reason for calling, that we were in their region and at that moment I wasn't thinking at all because I didn't know what I Expected him to do. Yes, I was in his hometown but so what? He isn't my boyfriend to meet up with me. Maybe I thought with my heart and not my mind. He said he was far away at the moment and so he wouldn't make it but he would be there as soon as he could. The soon never came to pass and still, maybe it was for the best. I know I still would have made a fool out of myself I would have given him more reasons to hate me maybe. The same destiny that brings people together pulled us far away from each other. I also never bothered again to call him or even text him, though my heart always did my phone couldn't. Our fourth form is completed too and now it happens destiny is playing hide and seek with me.

Currently, he lived in my homeland but we don't talk anymore not because I don't want to talk to him but because I lost His number. Still, this may have happened for a reason and whichever the situation I wouldn't hope for anything. At this moment, the feeling grew stronger and stronger day by day. The first time I saw him this year I almost fainted in town. He was driving and I just noticed him from a far. He still keeps my fire burning. I couldn't stop staring at him. I knew his every detail, I knew the smell of his perfume, I knew the color of his clothes and I still have the big picture in my head. I know the spot he stopped and today I just noted the car number plate. He didn't see me or maybe he did but chose not to see me. After all, I didn't want him to see me because if he did, what would I have told him? I wouldn't make a fool out of myself. I wouldn't, I would rather steal a glance of him and pretend not to have seen him when he looks at me of which I don't think he would. Another day comes when gravity pulls me toward him. Am not saying it pulled us together but I doubt if it ever pulled him one bit. He was going to the market to buy some groceries for his mom. Wait, wouldn't someone want to know how I knew all this? Well, I assumed and when you like something it becomes your priority. I followed him. I followed him and when he stopped at a grocery market I decided to pass by pretending not to have seen him. Maybe he did see me and he decided to act along as well but I wonder why it would be difficult for him to interact with me that well, I mean just to say hi.