Book 2: Harrowed and Happy to See Ya!

I used my keyblade to start the Yugo - Jesus still insisted I drive even though he was the age he was Crucified. The engine rumbled, and under the cosmos spooling out on the celestial highway, Naamah and Cain and Tubal-Cain waved goodbye as we drove off, behind Odin's motorcycle Wild Hunt gang leaving Siduri's diner.

Odin honked.

Loki made sure to cut me off.

"Fucking Norse gods," I sighed. "Save their life, and they make you eat dirt on the highway."

I revved up the Yugo engine - a scary thing to contemplate in the worst car the world had ever produced, and souped up by Christ at that, so maybe it wouldn't fall apart? and cut off Loki in return.

"Hey Irish girl! Red as the rose, by the river Shannon!" Loki hooted, then engaged in road racing with me.

"Take it easy on her, my friend!" Jesus called, swilling a bottle of wine in his hand that had been water from Naamah's cabinet. "She is not half as merciful as me, and now, she has the Mark. Beware bearers of the Mark of Cain!"

"Where you off to?" Freya asked, looking like a lady knight on her cherry red crotch rocket.

"Off to find Father." Jesus said, taking a glug from the wine bottle.

"Tell that fucker he owes me poker money," Odin grunted. "Boys! We pull over at this turnpike! Off to feast on Freyr's boar tonight!"

"What about my goats?" Thor rumbled, fiery red beard spilling out purple under an exploding nebula.

"I've had Thor's pet goat before," Jesus confided. "Quite gamy, never take it if offered to you. Oh, Shannon, we want exit 666."

"Of course we do, say, Yeshua, have you ever driven in Hell? What part of Pandemonium does this intersection turn off into?"

"Lucifer's honorary estate."

My jaw dropped. "Wait, Lucifer is real?"

"Well, not quite sure how real he is anymore. Haven't seen him in 2,000 years, disappeared after the whole desert debacle." Jesus tossed the wine bottle from hand to hand. "Want some?"

"No drinking and driving, Yesh!"

"Eh, I don't really believe in rules. More my Father's thing, you know, Commandments and all."

The sky quickly turned red as I pulled into the screaming harpy-infested Wood of Suicides.

"This looks like an Aligheri version of, well, Hell," I muttered, creeped out by the winding road that descended into the pit. "So Lucifer used to... be here?"

"Well, Samael took over for him."

"But I thought they were the same being?"

"Nah, Samael is from the Garden of Eden and waged the first war the archdemons fought in. Lucifer was the one who refused to bow to humans, totally different reasons for falling. Samael always played second fiddle, quite the bitter fucking rivalry between those two I wouldn't touch with ten lepers," Jesus said, then threw the half full wine bottle to a thirsty harpy.

"These Woods are creeping me out."

"Take a left at the last tree."

I did, pulling onto a feeder lane into Pandemonium. In the distance, deeper into the Pit, the screams of the damned raged, a fire burnt ceaselessly in an ocean of flame, and towering turrets like swords pierced the sky.

"It's like the ghost of Lucifer haunts the whole damn place."

"Maybe that is exactly what Lucifer is doing," Jesus mused. "Ah, grand old Hell, haven't been back since my Harrowing. I'm sure Samael will just be pleased as a pit to see me."