Book 2: Leave Space for Jeebus

We drove past the Hellopolis and into Asmodeus' market district, where every pleasure, pain, and forbidden fruit was offered for a price. Damien's bar was full, and I saw Arietta wave to me, then slow down, drinking a margarita. Her golden eyes and Italian curls sparkled in the sunshine. "Yo, Shannon, got a backseat available? I'm on my way to the barracks too, gotta give Samael an update on our pack scouting out the Watchers. Hey, who the fuck is that?" I used my petersword to start the Yugo - Jesus still insisted I drive even though he was the age he was Crucified. The engine rumbled, and under the cosmos spooling out on the celestial highway, Naamah and Cain and Tubal-Cain waved goodbye as we drove off, behind Odin's motorcycle Wild Hunt gang leaving Siduri's diner.

Odin honked.

Loki made sure to cut me off.

"Fucking Norse gods," I sighed. "Save their life, and they make you eat dirt on the highway."

I revved up the Yugo engine - a scary thing to contemplate in the worst car the world had ever produced, and souped up by Christ at that, so maybe it wouldn't fall apart? and cut off Loki in return.

"Hey Irish girl! Red as the rose, by the river Shannon!" Loki hooted, then engaged in road racing with me.

"Take it easy on her, my friend!" Jesus called, swilling a bottle of wine in his hand that had been water from Naamah's cabinet. "She is not half as merciful as me, and now, she has the Mark. Beware bearers of the Mark of Cain!"

"Where you off to?" Freya asked, looking like a lady knight on her cherry red crotch rocket.

"Off to find Father." Jesus said, taking a glug from the wine bottle.

"Tell that fucker he owes me poker money," Odin grunted. "Boys! We pull over at this turnpike! Off to feast on Freyr's boar tonight!"

"What about my goats?" Thor rumbled, fiery red beard spilling out purple under an exploding nebula.

"I've had Thor's pet goat before," Jesus confided. "Quite gamy, never take it if offered to you. Oh, Shannon, we want exit 666."

"Of course we do, say, Yeshua, have you ever driven in Hell? What part of Pandemonium does this intersection turn off into?"

"Lucifer's honorary estate."

My jaw dropped. "Wait, Lucifer is real?"

"Well, not quite sure how real he is anymore. Haven't seen him in 2,000 years, disappeared after the whole desert debacle." Jesus tossed the wine bottle from hand to hand. "Want some?"

"No drinking and driving, Yesh!"

"Eh, I don't really believe in rules. More my Father's thing, you know, Commandments and all. I'm more for throwing tables over in the Temple, radicalism, socialism, and justice."

The sky quickly turned red as I pulled into the screaming harpy-infested Wood of Suicides.

"This looks like an Alighieri version of, well, Hell," I muttered, creeped out by the winding road that descended into the pit. "So Lucifer used to... be here?"

"Well, Samael took over for him."

"But I thought they were the same being?"

"Nah, Samael is from the Garden of Eden and waged the first war the archdemons fought in. Lucifer was the one who refused to bow to humans, totally different reasons for falling. They were allies in the Great War, but Samael always played second fiddle, quite the bitter fucking rivalry between those two I wouldn't touch with ten lepers in a line cured of palsy," Jesus said, then threw the half full wine bottle to a thirsty harpy.

"Enjoy it!" he shouted.

The harpy caught it in her talons and began guzzling, looking at me with beady black eyes.

"These Woods are creeping me out."

"Take a left at the last tree."

I did, pulling onto a feeder lane into Pandemonium. In the distance, deeper into the Pit, the screams of the damned raged, a fire burnt ceaselessly in an ocean of flame, and towering turrets like swords pierced the sky.

"It's like the ghost of Lucifer haunts the whole damn place."

"Maybe that is exactly what Lucifer is doing," Jesus mused. "Ah, grand old Hell, haven't been back since my Harrowing. I'm sure Samael will just be pleased as a pit full of punch to see me."

We drove past the Hellopolis and into Asmodeus' market district, where every pleasure, pain, and forbidden fruit was offered for a price. Damien's bar was full, and I saw Arietta wave to me, then slow down, drinking a margarita. Her golden eyes and Italian curls sparkled in the sunshine. "Yo, Shannon, got a backseat available? I'm on my way to the barracks too, gotta give Samael an update on our pack scouting out the Watchers. Hey, who the fuck is that?"

"Uh, this is Jesus."

Her golden eyes became golden balls like the frog princess' fishing in a well. "Uh, okay then, you're kidding right."