Book 2: Satan's Contestation with Himbo Christ

Jesus smiled like a saint and waved jovially. "Hello, Arietta, daughter of Damien Lupa. Please, hop in. I have a blunt if you are so inclined. That's how I pass a lot of time in Purgatory. We're on a road trip to find God."

Arietta stuttered, bunched her tattooed knuckles into fists as she dropped her margarita, then nervously climbed into the car. "Uh, hi... Jesus. What are you doing in Hell?"

She took the offered blunt and Jesus lit it with Pentecostal flame bursting from his finger. "Well, I don't only deal in wine, you know. I'm here to speak with Samael."

Arietta puffed heavily and looked around the death trap Yugo. "You... exist, Jesus?"

Jesus' crown of thorns bloomed into roses, and he looked like a cherub. "Aww, why, I do! At least, I think I do."

"Ah, um, well..." Arietta exhaled out the window. "That gives me a lot to think about. So uh... you're friends with Satan? What about the Harrowing?"

Jesus shrugged. "Bitter dregs of fungus from which Samael sprang. I would say I love him like a brother, but I am not sure he returns the same fond memories."

"Didn't you like, beat him up? Really badly, and steal Abraham's descendants?" Arietta tumbled the words out, her lupine face on watch. "Uh, uh, Jesus, I am... a bit nervous about you meeting my boss."

"Oh, don't worry, he has no choice!" Jesus said cheerily. "We have a shared interest, finding my Father. Samael is going on a road trip with us to find the seven Elohim."

Arietta side eyed me, a look of mercy and questioning on her face. "Shannon, are you okay?"

"Kind of... going along for the ride, I suppose." An elephantine Behemoth taxi stopped me, and I stalled at a line to enter Samael's estate, which had turned into barracks. Jesus began plucking the roses from his crown of thorns and scattering the petals to the warm wind.

"Ah, well, okay, we are tracking down Metatron - you're not gonna believe who he's with." Her eyes got even bigger as she watched Jesus manifest a flagon of wine, pour out a glass for her, and continue drinking.

"I'd give you some, Shannon, but I think it is against my nature to encourage drinking and driving." Jesus winked. The wine smelled like violets and hazelnut chocolate.

"Okay dude," I muttered, speeding past the Behemoth into Samael's English garden and obsidian castle estate.

Samael was perched on a rocky outcrop of a turret, hewn from obsidian, surveying the Order of the Fly practicing battle maneuvers against Gabriel's forces. Beelzebub stood beside him, yelling commands. Samael was dressed in Gustave Dore etchings of Paradise Lost outfits, and Beel looked like Sauron.

His eyes zeroed in on me like a viper. A dopey grin set on his face, and Satan came sailing down from the sky as I parked.

"Shannon, my favorite phalanges," he said silkily, for once not drunk. "Where the hell did you go? How was moving into college? How is your twin?" He opened the door for me, still not noticing Jesus or Arietta.

"Uh, good, why am I your finger bone now - wait, I got it, never mind," I muttered, drawing some bangs out of my face.

"Why in the sluts of the Shedim legions are you driving a Yugo? I created those to torture humanity?" he rankled, then his nostrils flared, and his eyes turned into slits. "Weed. Wine. Disgusting holiness. There's a threat somewhere, quick, take cover!"

Jesus emerged from the car and stretched. "I like what you did with Pandemonium since the Harrowing, Sammy. Very modern yet grotesque, and just look at that garden menagerie!"

Arietta stumbled out of the car, a nervous wreck. I wished Divya was here to soothe me, or Rosanna was here to crack a joke. I shrunk into the practice field near the parking lot and makeshift angel barracks.

Jesus looked like cherry pie a church grandma would make for a Sunday picnic: sweet, tempting, full of love, and you know you would sinfully gain five pounds if you partook of a slice.

Samael spat venom, his fangs gleaming. "What the hell is the SON OF GOD DOING IN HELL?"

"I missed you too, old friend!" Jesus said peppily. "Wine?"

"NO!" Samael's scythe materialized and he had it at Jesus' neck. Jesus laughed. "WHAT IN THE PITS OF GEHENNA DID YOU DO TO MY GIRLFRIEND?"

"Girlfriend? I told you not to call me that!" I screamed. I held Jesus' hand. "He's a good guy, Sam! He's going to help us."

Arietta puffed thoughtfully. "Maybe she's leaving you for Jesus, boss," she laughed, finally comfortable. "Time to finally hold elections here and give power to the people, your corrupt archdemon reign is over!"

Samael's temple throbbed. Suddenly, he was bone, and the scythe drew blood on Jesus' neck.

The blood dripped and turned into the most fragrant water and roses on the ground, and suddenly, we were surrounded by briars of roses tall as trees, dripping red petals, the four of us isolated. The Order of the Fly and angels started yelling, terrified.

Jesus' hazel eyes were lit with bonfires from the shores of the Sea of Galilee. "Now Samael, please, manners. I simply want to break bread with you and bless you. Your son was quite happy to give us directions to the seven shards of my Father, the Elohim."

The Grim Reaper arced his spine and withdrew like a trap door spider. "You spoke with Cain?" he hissed, incredulous.

Jesus smiled even wider, and he lifted his hands to point to Heaven like Da Vinci's painting of John the Baptist. "He blessed Shannon with an internal GPS, the Mark of Cain. Think, an ascendant with a petersword and lodestone straight to God. What reverence we could do unto stitching my Father back together, ending Metatron's madness, Michael's angelic frenzy, and unite the Marriage of Heaven and Hell."

"I will never return to bow before your wretched Father!" Samael spat. "You're as fruity as I remember, as batty, wine-addled, stinking of hypocrisy and little altar boys on your cock."

Jesus shrugged. "I am not my Church. They are my Flock, my Brides, but I love even sinners. Can you say the same, that same mercy for the Damned? I think not."

"Uh, can you guys stop the pissing contest?" I asked. I plucked a rose. "Sam, we need to go on a road trip with Jesus, and Arietta knows where Metatron is."

"WHERE?" Samael snapped.

Arietta sighed. "With Lucifer, you absolute cancer. God, who to pick, the Devil or Jesus? I'll stick with Diana, thanks but no thanks."

Samael froze. "No. NO!"

Jesus drank some more wine, then took the passed blunt from Arietta. "Your favorite person in the world besides me!"

Samael bared his fangs and strangled Jesus, who simply laughed. "Do you know what this means, holy boy? Lucifer is the only one who can defeat God, the only one who stands a chance against you and me and Michael? If Metatron has found Lucifer, we will lose this war."

"Ah, by the grace of Dad, I beg to differ." Jesus coughed. Samael put him down. Jesus offered him wine another time, and Samael slurped down the whole flask into his skull, the wine bloodying his black reaping robes dark wine ruby. "We are the key to triumphing over Metatron, Michael, and Lucifer, and stopping the Apocalypse. If we can set aside our differences, the Son of God and Satan, then who says the horsemen ride, dearest fallen brother?"

"I say it will never happen."

"And yet we need New Eve."

Samael looked at me and set Jesus down. Arietta was trying her best not to punch him.

"New Eve... New Eve... the Magdalene in your games," Samael murmured, studying me like I was a butterfly pinned to a board. Suddenly, he embraced me, and sheltered me under his dark wings. "You would make her the Woman Clothed in the Sun?"

"But of course. Now get in the car, o great Serpent, Death of the fiery lake. Set your sorrows of Satan aside, hitch a ride in my Yugo, and we're off to Belgium." Jesus got in the passenger seat, and Arietta followed.

"I need more weed." Arietta huffed, distraught.

"Happily provided," Jesus said cheerily, reaching into his white robes and withdrawing a joint.

Samael kissed me on the head, semi-human again, and whispered. "Only for you, Shannon, would I ever work with this motherfucker." He whispered into my ear. "How is our son?" Tears suddenly formed in his eyes, and he kissed me deeply on the mouth. I held him tight.

"Perfect," I said. "It's going to be alright. Christ saved me when I got lost. I don't really know what all this mythical mystical mumbo jumbo is, but I know, if I have you, we can stop the Apocalypse, save my brother, and save the world."

"There is no truth but the Shekinah," Samael said ominously, then got into the drivers seat. I got in the back with Arietta, Jesus motioned with his hand, and the rose briar forest disappeared. Angels and demons were in frenzy outside.

"What in the name of seven devils is going on?" Beelzebub bellowed.

"Road trip, Beel," Samael said through gritted teeth, started the Yugo with his scythe, then sped off without regret.

"This will be a bumpy ride," I warned Arietta, who was all nerves. "The Devil, Jesus, Eve, and a werewolf, off to find God. Great way to start college."

"Great way to start grad school," Arietta sighed.

"Great way to start the End Times," Jesus winked, passing me a glass of wine, finally.

"Great way to piss me off until Eternity," Samael muttered, driving like a speed demon in the deathtrap.

"Belgium, then," Jesus said happily.

"Stop smiling so much," Samael spat.

"Only if you promise to behave," Jesus warned. "No more strangling or scything me."

"FINE."