Chapter 9: CYA

Delta's friend Freya invites Delta to an event at CYA (Christian Young Adults) the college group at the church the Harrisons go to. During the event memories and thoughts clash in Delta's mind.

DELTA

Her friend Freya sat in the very front row. She sat in the row behind. On the opposite side of the row next to her other friend July. As the worship happened. One of the pastors at the event went up to speak. Delta sat there thinking. She thought of the past. What happened to me? She thought.

She stood in a middle of a library. Books everywhere. But these books all stored memories. Her memories. "We were part of their family once." She turned on her heel to face Cin.

"But that family betrayed us." Cin countered.

"They betrayed us?! I betrayed them. We betrayed them." Delta responded. "They were family. Not because we were related through flesh and blood. But through the blood of Jesus Christ. I was a part of their family. And I betrayed them. I left them. . .I unfriended them. I ignored them."

"You did what you had to do to protect us from being hurt. Your reasons are justified. Christian bullies? Not right. God didn't help you when you needed it. Remember why you decided to leave. Don't go back!"

"Yeah. . .I will always hate those Christians! I WILL ALWAYS HATE GOD! And I made a promise. . .I made a few promises. I promised I would follow God forever. Makes me think of The Originals. Always and forever. Yet. . .I broke my word. I broke my promise. I do my best to keep my promises. Then I made a promise not to follow him. . .Wow. I don't know what to do. . .Do I try to resurrect and honor my past promise or leave it in dust and ruin to keep my word now? Because I seek to be an honorable person. But I make mistakes."

"That's up for you to decide for us. But know this Delta I'll stand in your way if you choose wrong."

"Is your version of right and wrong correct?"

"It's because I am your better."

"Why continue with the pride?"

"Funny when the person who asks is filled with pride thinking yourself more holy than me. Even though you're not even a religious person"

"Look I didn't want to fight. I just wanted help."

"Help. . .Help?! You could've asked Freya for help. She sits one row in front of you. You could've asked July for help. Because she sits beside you. You could've asked the Millers for help because they sit behind you. But yet you want my help?! You call me evil and darkness!"

"Because that's what you are! I despise you! You are my sin!" Delta exclaimed.

"No," She shook her head no. "NO! THAT IS NOT WHO I AM! THERE IS NO CIN! ONLY DELTA! YOU DESPISE YOURSELF! YOU ARE A SINNER! You want to blame and put your faults on anything but you. So you attempt to make another personality. Say that personality is separate from you. Maybe you succeeded or maybe you're insane. But in the end no matter how much you twist the creation or whatever it's you talking to you. You make it become your friend because you are lonely. You make it a villain because you like being a heroine or a victim rather than the villain. But you are the villain. You are a sinner. You want to continue controlling the narrative and paint the picture that you're some victim. In some instances you are but you are a sinner. You're the author of your destruction. You did this with Trinity Demon. But when they turned out to be something more. You imprisoned them. Like me, you will probably do the same. But at least end this paranoia and distrust so you can get help from real friends."

"I trust no one. I will never."

"Why is that?"

"Because I made a promise. Not to marry. Talking with boys could possibly lead me to break my promise! Getting to know them could lead to bed! Which could lead me to break my promise! So I will forever friendzone all of them! Some of them will only be acquaintances! I will keep my promise because I seek to be an honorable person! I seek to be a woman of my word!"

"But you hold regret you want to return back to Christianity."

Delta leaned forward to whisper to Cin. "I don't regret anything." She hissed. Then she stood back smiling cheerfully.

"You spoke earlier about your promise to follow God you say it again and follow it."

"Are you forgetting the one I made not follow God? Christians have part of God in them. The Holy Spirit. So I can't trust them. My blood. My family are Christians. Most if not all my friends are Christians. I can't trust any of them."

"But that one came after! You broke your promise. A promise that came before the not follow God. Shouldn't that one hold more worth and mean more than the newer one?"

"Are you saying because I made it before the other it should hold more value or worth?"

"Yes, that's what I am asking."

"I conflict over it yes. I have memories about it yes. And right now at this moment. No, it doesn't hold more value or worth. I've made up my mind. I'll remain bitter and hateful."

"When you were a Christian you were a loving person. You had a blast. Mexicali. Hume Lake. High school friends. Pastors. Teachers of the word. They were family. Not united to you by flesh and blood but through the blood of Jesus Christ. And you betrayed them. You betrayed your own family! Now, what stands before me? A monster. A heartless person. Who says they don't care but you care for the Harrisons and for the Millers. If given the chance you have told yourself at least in your head you would die for them."

"First off, that family betrayed me! Second! The Harrisons and the Millers are different."

"How so? Explain yourself!"

"When I still believed. I asked and begged for God's help. But he didn't help me! He left me! He abandoned me! He left me with my sadness! My sadness grew so much into depression! Which led me to find comfort in sexually immoral videos and writings. He controls everything. He wanted me to commit to watching those videos! He wanted me to curse his name! He has directed my steps and my actions! CONTROLLED ME SINCE MY BIRTH! He wants me to be the villain. Part of me resists what they call sin, part of me resists what I call bad. But part of me wants to embrace the path that God has set. He wants me to hate him and his beloved Christians. So I will. For the Harrisons and Millers, they are different because they aren't bullies."

On the outside, she listened as Pastor Leo was speaking on the Bible and about the disciples. She had one thought for him that she repeated in her head to herself whenever he gave what he called and history. You are wrong. You are wrong. YOU ARE SO WRONG! Cin continued to talk to her though which made her lose her thoughts for a bit. "But they were family."

"Yes. . .they were."

"You could return. . ."

"But it won't be easy!" Delta snapped. She breathed heavily steadying herself. Controlling her anger and frustration. "It won't be easy. If I do try to. I'll continue to support the atheist communities. I won’t give that up. I'll fight Christian bullies online who bully atheists and other non-believers. And I don't want to turn into a Christian bully."

"Trust me Delta I have complete faith in you that you won't turn into a bully."

"Noted," Delta responded.

"But seriously, you should talk with other people. Not just yourself. Most of the time you destroy yourself doing so. I mean people need alone time every once and a while. But you should talk with your friends."