Chapter 19: Seon-Ho

She tasted sweet, like the desserts I had sent her back to a time when I had time to watch her. And her skin was still unbelievably soft; I couldn't help notice it when she was kissing me back just as passionately as I was. I had a hard time controlling other parts of my body. But I didn't mind it. And her scent... it was different now; it strangely reminded me of my mother's favourite flowers she would always decorate our home with to make it less of a dump.

I kissed my best friend's little sister, the one who always liked me from the start. It was a shame she didn't remember that or all the other times we grew up together. I kissed my only friend's sister; his beautiful sister who had transformed from a duckling into a beautiful swan almost overnight it seems. She really grew up so graciously, and the irony was that it was with the man she had a crush on for years instead of her brother. I kissed her and I wanted to do it again....well...I had to figure out what I was feeling for her right?

Before I knew it my mind wandered to my fantasies, a life with her; outside my father's expectations, and his use for me...and even outside the palace. I know she would do a good job of taking care of me; the first person willing to do so. And she was an intelligent girl, if she wanted to continue her work I would let her. And as for me? I was an intelligent man who was skilled mostly in martial arts and literature. I could get a job doing that to support us, or I still had contacts from my job now where I could maintain a noble job still. And where could we live? Well...I wasn't picky to be honest. I could survive in both my father's world and the Seo's world, as could Yeonie. But I wouldn't take her in anything too run down like her father's house, it was way too old and in desperate need of work.

The most blessed thing about Yeonie was that she wasn't greedy, materialistic, or entitled. I know she would be willing to live anywhere with me in any condition without doubting me even once. Tears ran down my face when I thought about this. She would trust me to the ends of the world. Even if I jumped into the depths of hell she would follow me without question. I closed my eyes, still in tears, deeply ashamed of the so-called crush or whatever it was I had on Hui-Jee when I had a beautiful pure piece of jade right under my nose for more than ten years.

I got out of bed the next morning to watch how she would react to me. I put in more thought into my outfit choice and used the perfume bottle she got me for my first birthday shortly after she arrived here. I couldn't stop laughing to myself; imagining the possibilities. The old her would have practically sung and dance but the new her...she would either run away or hopefully embrace me. She was my only oxygen in this place as I was barely able to keep it together with my friend whom I missed dearly since the moment I had to send him away and my overbearing father, never mind myself.

I looked all over the mansion for her and I started to panic a little until I finally saw her in the courtyard helping a servant my father just punished. She was taking care of him in a similar way she did to me and I couldn't control myself, I exploded. I shouted at my father's servant to get away from her before I grabbed her arm and pushed her into her room. My anger had taken a new direction when it came to her and I just gave cornered her and gave her an angry look before telling her to stay in her room for the rest of the day 'to reflect on her mistake' before slamming the door behind me and firing the servant before storming to my room. Thank god my father was out of town or he would have punished me himself like he used to. I tried to assemble my thoughts on why for the second, third, or god knows how many times I simply couldn't control myself around her when I could around her brother who was basically my other half. But Yeon...she was doing something else to me. She was beginning to be something else to me.

Hours passed and my anger hadn't dissipated, in fact, it was simmering under the surface under the mask I had to present to everyone in the house from my father to the servants. I couldn't help but compare the way she looked after me and everyone else. I knew it was in her nature so I didn't know why I was having such a problem with it but...I found myself admitting that I didn't want her looking after anyone else. Even though she had lost her memories she was the only one who cared for me in this hellhole my tyrannical father had put me in. She didn't think I was a monster like the people in my life I had no choice but to alienate myself from. I wanted to keep her for myself.

I called in for a servant to ask how Yeon was before making my way to her regardless. I expected her to be remorseful and apologise to me but when I entered her room she looked unfazed by my outburst earlier; she was engrossed in her sewing and didn't even acknowledge my presence. I felt my anger continuously rise but I tried to restrain myself. I sat down opposite her and she still didn't look at me! I demanded that she served me tea from her room and she did so still avoiding my gaze.

I had no idea what had overcome me but I hadn't been this angry before in a long time. I felt every negative emotion I had ever felt in my life and just let it out, smashing everything in her room around her. But the odd thing was; Yeon didn't flinch, even once. She kept calm and once I was done she didn't even hesitate to approach me, her tiny hands wrapping themselves around my waist and placing her head in my neck like it was the most natural thing to do. I suddenly froze, but her warmth was undoing it. She just held me without saying anything for a while before taking my injured bleeding hands into hers to mend them but I snatched them away. "Why? Are you going to help me just like you helped that goddamned servant?? Is he more important than I am to you!" I bellowed but again she didn't even flinch. She actually had the nerve to laugh before taking my hands back into hers and rummaging around the floor trying to find her medicines. "Since when have you cared about what you are to me? You've kept your distance since my first day here remember?"

My mouth almost dropped to the floor "Is this a joke?? What about all the things I sent to your room? Your company? What about the kiss last night?" I didn't mean to bring it up but I couldn't take the words back. She stopped midway treating my hands only for a second, not even looking at me once "So? You're a young man in your prime; how do I know you haven't done this to any other girl? Like the one who keeps coming around that you keep me from? or the women from Ihwaru that you frequent with when you drink? Or how do I know you're not just planning to use my body as entrainment since we both live miserably under your father's roof?"

She might as well have slapped me in my face, more than once. But she was also right in her own way; she didn't remember who I was. And I had no idea how she found out about Hui-Jee but she was right to question my motives as well. But it felt like the old her had stabbed me in my heart. But again I was growing angry out of my control so I pinned her to the wall and did the only thing I could do at the moment; I kissed her with all my might, hoping to show how much I loved her and hopefully she would give me a chance. She tried to wrestle away but I didn't let her. I pinned her hands above her head so she could stop fighting me. I kissed her until I ran out of breath and then rested my head onto her shoulders...and I begged her not to abandon me...I begged for her love before turning away and heading straight to a gibang but not before grabbing a piece of fabric from one of her dresses and clutching tightly in my hands. I couldn't help but trace the parts of my body she touched whilst changing my clothes, the scars she traced with her delicate fingers without flinching or backing away in disgust, and my lips that she did kiss even if it was for a moment.