Frustration
Sapphire POV:
As I felt tears start to spill out of my eyes, I quickly hid my face behind my knees. Whether I didn't want them to see me like this, or the guilt was too heavy for me to keep the team in my vision, I don't know. Perhaps it was both?
All I know is their faces, masked with a complicated mix of emotions, hurt.
Not every emotion they were showing bothered me, mind you, but the frustration that marred their faces made guilt eat away at my mind.
I wanted nothing more than to just give them what they want,
But I…
I just….
I can't…
Every explanation that tries to leave my mouth seems to always get stuck in my throat.
I-I'm...sorry…
I can't give you what you want…
Even thinking about that awful place takes all I have to not break down, and…
Talking…
It's just too much…
How do I even explain to someone what it was like there!
To have you and everyone you care about treated as disposable!
As replaceable!
As worthless lab rats whose only meaning for existing is to survive long enough for people to learn from our deaths!
How do you tell someone what it feels like to send family away one by one, and not know if they would ever come back! And even if they returned, the condition they were in would always put into question, whether they would really live or not.
Over and over again, I would see people I ate every meal with dragged down those halls only to never see them walk back, and for them to be replaced just as quickly.
We would refuse to utter any parting phrase, as that would just be admitting that we might never see each other again, even if we knew that it changed nothing.
How do I explain to someone what it was like to try to shelter eleven children your age in that kind of environment? To put on a brave face and feed them false hope day after day. To put on a brave face and push them all forward, when every day might be the last time we will ever speak again. To put them to sleep not knowing if tomorrow will ever come for them. To sometimes think that never waking up would be their best option.
How do I describe those horrific tests? To be dragged off at random times with no warning, and be forced to endure every excruciating slice and harrowing injections. How could I expect them to understand what it was like to force on a smile when it was my turn for these experiments, so the last memory my brothers and sisters have of me was even just a smidge less dreadful.
How could I bring myself to explain what it feels like for someone you love to slowly die in your arms as you sit there helplessly. What it's like to feel their breaths grow more and more shallow. To watch their eyes once filled with so much life, grow cold and hollow. To have to see them off with alacrity, even if it's tearing you apart. To sometimes envy those that are already gone as at least they don't have to suffer anymore.
How can I tell them how I feel, as the one to survive this!
Tha out of everyone in that facility, I was the one who lived!
Why!!?
So many deserved this far more than me! So many were hoping, praying, for some sort of salvation!
Why me!?
Why me and not them!?
Why do I get to live at the cost of their lives?!?
I don't know….
Ruby POV:
The sounds of sobbing echo around the room, and Sapphire has retreated into a fetal position. Her ears and tail are tucked tightly to her body, almost as if to hide away from the world. I could see the tears build up in her eyes and fall down her cheeks. As she ticked her head away, I couldn't help but frown.
Guilt welled up from the pit of my stomach. This was my fault.
We pushed her too far, and I did nothing to stop it! I should've known! She was very obvious with the signs that she was uncomfortable talking about this. I should've ended this when the first thing she did when we got back to the dorm was run to her picture.
I try my best to push those welling feelings aside and focus on the girl beside me. Her once strong and reliable countenance, now replaced by a fragile and unsteady atmosphere, broke my heart. I couldn't bear to see the cheerful Sapphire like this. It's that same feeling I had when Weiss was being unreasonable to her, but this time, were all at fault.
No, no, no.
I cant wallow in guilt now!
Sapphire comes first!
I gently call out, "Sapphire, are you okay?"
What a stupid question, Ruby, of course, she's not okay!
*Sobbing*
As expected my question gets no response; It's almost like she didn't even hear me. I feel panic start to roll in, as my very operand social inadequacies are keeping me from getting through to Sapphire.
It was almost as if any words I did think of were forgotten before I was able to make a complete sentence. I don't know what to do! I've never comforted anyone in a state like this before.
Suddenly, without saying a word, Blake stood up from the other side of Sapphire and stood in front of her.
What is she…?
While I was confused about what she was doing, Blake did not slow her actions. She placed her hand on Sapphire's Shoulder, which elicited both a visible flinch and an audible break in her sobbing.
Sapphire then looked up and made eye contact with Blake, who proceeds to whisper something in Sapphire's ear that I wasn't able to hear.
I don't know what she said, but it seemed to have made us some progress, as Sapphire slowly unfurled herself and just stared at blake through her teary eyes.
With her hand still on Sapphire's shoulder, Blake then sat back down beside her.
Out of nowhere Sapphire practically tackled Blake in a hug and continued to sob. It seems whatever Blake said only had a temporary effect, and only ended up with her being used as some sort of comfort doll.
"Haah," Blake let out a sigh, but still did her best to physically comfort the girl in her arms.
Haah.
With an internal sigh filled with a myriad of emotions, I put my panicking thoughts to rest. Its times like this were the twang of guilt from my own inadequacy rears its ugly head.
I don't understand…
I'm supposed to be the leader of this team. Someone everyone could rely on, but when I was needed, I shut down. Because of my social anxiety, I shut down!
Haha, what a joke...