Chapter 25

The door to my bedroom slammed open and I sat up with a squeal from the sudden noise. I turned to see Cassie standing at the door with a vicious scowl on her face and I clutched a hand at my chest to calm down my breathing.

"I've had enough of you," she said.

I know, I thought as I completely sat up on the bed.

"You're getting on my last nerve and I swear if you don't start spilling right now, I'll go out of this door," she said pointing to my door, "and never return back. So, if I value even a penny to you tell me what the hell is wrong."

I saw a glint of something metal in her hand and huffed out a breath. She picked on my lock. Guess my days of hibernation are finally over.

"I've had sex on Sunday. Maybe," I shrugged like it was not a big deal. Why am I behaving like this? I scowled on nothing in particular but Cassie didn't notice that as she was busy gasping at my words.

"Wow," she breathed after a while, "You finally did----wait! What do you mean by 'Maybe'?"

I looked at her and dropped all the pretenses, to let her see how helpless I was feeling.

"Because I don't know for sure. I've been told and there is some evidence proving that too. But I don't remember having it," I let out a derisive laugh, that sounded more scary than anything else. "Hell, I don't even know who did I had sex with. Or if it was a girl or a boy. I don't know. I don't know if I had or if I don't----"

Cassie's arms around me cut off my rambling, and only then I noticed that I was shaking violently and tears were dripping down my cheeks in a stream. And the realization made me shake even harder as I returned Cassie's embrace with a vise grip of myself as I broke down into hysterics. My sobs coming loud and throaty. I can just pray that Laura is not eavesdropping.

All the days I had kept myself locked up in my room, I never cried. Not for even once. I was either reading and re-reading the text I had sent to Brian that night or writing a weird fiction story that came into my mind out of nowhere. Even though I was feeling a constant pain in my chest, my eyes were as dry as a desert.

I cling to Cassie harder, as if I loosen my hold on her, she will vanish in the thin air, and kept crying. Rocking her with me. She was murmuring soothing words in my ear and rubbing my back lovingly.

After a while when my sobs started coming far and few between, Cassie pulled back a little and held my face in both of her hands so delicately as if I were a china doll.

"We'll figure this out, okay?", she said softly, with a fierce look in his eyes and I nodded weakly. "But you need to tell me, how much you remember about that night."

I nodded again. I recited everything to her, or you can say--what little I knew to her.

"I remember going to the party," I said leaving out the part, where I had that little squabble with Drake. "We met Dane Jenkins and his friends there. And then Drake left me with them for a while. I remember talking with the group for a while and it was all fun till then. But then everything started getting blur after the drinking game started. I remember doing a dare or two but that is the extent of it. After that everything that I remember is a blur of broken images, but what little tidbit I recall of is dancing with someone---Drake, probably---which was not what you can exactly call friendly. It was pretty hot and heavy. But I feel something is missing. Like a piece of the puzzle is missing. There is a part of the time, I feel that I had did something in that, but it's not clear. I've been trying so hard to remember--"

"Grace," Cassie cut me off, "Tell me why do you think you've had sex. It could be anything else. Maybe you had passed out for a while, that's why you're coming up blank. It happens sometimes if you're a lightweight and on top of that you were drinking for the first time."

I was shaking my head even before she stopped saying. I gritted my teeth and pinched my eyes close, not exactly willing to tell her what lowkey thing I have probably done. But I did anyway. I told her everything about Brian and what he had said to me.

Her eyes hardened a little when I said that Brian was my boyfriend, but she let it go. And I know that she is just being sensitive to the situation and sooner or later she is going to give me peace of mind for that.

When I was done, I showed her the text and the call history on my phone. Cassie let out a sigh.

"Get dressed, Grace. We need to take you to the doctor."

"No!", I jumped away from her reach, "I knew you would say that. Why do you think I was not telling anyone? I don't want to go to a doctor. I can't go to a doctor!"

"Don't be a fool", she said in a stern voice, "How else do you think we're gonna find that something has happened for sure or not? Besides, you need to get checked anyway."

I know she means that I need to get checked for STDs, but I can't.

"I can't. Why can't you understand that?"

Cassie got up from the bed throwing her hands in the air. She abruptly turned to me again, with fury burning in her eyes. "Then make me understand, Grace!"

"They will ask questions," I said in a low voice, "They will want to know everything about it. They will look at me disgusted. They will report to the police, Cass if I can't answer them. I can't do that."

Cassie's eyes soften at my words. She came near me on the bed again.

"Grace," she said softly, "It can be rape for all we know."

My throat closed up at that word, but still, a snort came out of my mouth, "It can't be a rape."

"And how do you know that?", Cassie said with a bite in her tone.

I looked away from her, too embarrassed to meet her eyes. "If the sounds that Brian had heard is any indication, it can't be rape. I might have given consent in my inebriated state."

She was silent for a while. "This is so messed up," I heard Cassie mutter.

My eyes started burning at her words. A mess that I have created and she is being dragged in with me.

Shame and self-hatred engulfed me. Sometimes I wonder that I am just not made to be like everyone else. I mean, I go to one freaking party and I end up in a mess like this that I might even swear off going to any party. Why does it have to be so difficult for me all the time? Why can't I just have a break?

Great! Now I am blaming others and even mother nature for my blunder.

Soft hands touched my cheeks, and I jerked from the sudden cool touch. I looked startled at Cassie and realized she was actually wiping my tears, which I didn't even know had started falling again.

"We'll get through it, Gracie," Cassie said in a motherly voice. "But girlie, you need to see a doctor. It's not something you can put off. And also there is something you're not mentioning. How did you get back to the dorm? Do you remember it?"

"Nada," I said shaking my head, "But I guess.....I guess it was Cross. I don't know how did I end up with him, but I don't know. I just think it was Cross."

"Do you think...?", Cassie trailed off.

"I don't know," I answered her honestly. I don't know if it was Cross or someone else I had sex with that night. And a part of me is scared to know that.

Cassie breathed heavily and I gazed at nothing in my room.

How did the night I was beginning to think as the best night I had in ages morphed into a bunch of so godawful things? One moment I was sitting on that chair in a frat house laughing and bickering and the next I'm lying on my bed puking my guts out. I had thought I made some friends that night. Even with Tate's bitchiness, I was having the night of my life with Clara, Michael, and...

Holy shit!

Why didn't I thought about it before?

"Cass!", I screamed and Cassie jumped in surprise, "Do you know where Kate Morrison lives?"

Cassie was baffled for a second before she said, "That red-head in world religion class?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Yeah, I do. Why?"

I jumped out of my bed before she even reached to 'Why?' and started getting dressed.

"I need you to take me there," I said shrugging into my purple hoodie. "Before you start giving me shit about my impulsive reactions. I was sitting next to Kate for most of the night. Or so, I remember," I scowled at myself, "Anyway, she might have the answer to the blanks in my memory. Eh, she was pretty drunk herself and I should not even get my hopes up. But I think, it's worth a try."

Cassie's face light up, "Oh, that's most certainly worth a try."

Cassie started towards the door but then stopped and again looked at me, "That doesn't mean that you can put off going to see a doctor," she said in a stern voice.

No. I guess, I can't.