DAY FIVE

DATE : 23/03/2020

Hey my dear diary I Am again back with my concern and all shit, have you listened that one song on repeat recalling all memories. have you wondered what's your last words by the way today is real sad day because our hospital lost our spirit .

Yeah our "MS I am still 20 " has passed away ,with smile leaving unheard tears in everyone eyes.

Do people really know real worth until you are gone, what's my worth, who knows it, is worth has limit or does anyone sets it.

I was wondering, while I slipped and wanted the fresh air, from the thoughts that might get me frustrated.

I was listening "our page" by shinee ,I would say it is really beautiful and yet sad song. From me it express one of my dark night I shared with myself I don't want to talk about it.

I already was listening it on repeat , when Mr.Handsomedoc made me feel his presence.

I gave him one ear phone we both knew this song beside song we both shared this loss , we both were sharing our tears who were falling without permission.

I wonder why they fall, shamelessly saying every emotion we try to hide , the emotion we save it for night.

lot of nights has know my secret maybe I would write it here one day, maybe . It was maybe 10th time when we both heard that same song on repeat, that faint music, leaves and free breeze all were perfect atmosphere trying to match our pouring emotion and falling tears.

It was first time when I saw Mr. handsomedoc IN tears I wonder what everyone else feels when they see someone crying for first time. My thoughts were just numb, you know when you see your one fav movie ending with sad ending it was just like that for Me.

Mr. handsomedoc is real real funny and cheerful person but you can't pretend all the time. This night I felt as dark this is going more feelings it is hiding.

Mr. handsomedoc was son of MS. Iamstill20 ,I said breaking silence "pushpa I hate tears" in more dramatic way I can and here he laughed his sad laugh. we both controlled that continues tears.

She would always say this said Mr. handsomedoc, he talked about past memories who flashed like movie.

He looked at star as is he can see her. and said, whenever I fall ,whenever I failed , I don't know where she learned that from whenever I asked she would say, India thought me that. As if that was medicine for her tears, She use to watch lots of Indian movies.

She always asked me to watch "3 idiots " but I never watched it until now , I think i will today. he sighed and looked down trying to be brave.

why we do something, late. I don't understand what is the the right time. She was really Beautiful.

I remember our first meet, She asked me for what I am here , I said her everything and she nods and said, "it's not your time yet dear stay here for little more " I was wondering why she said that, what is the right time to go.

I asked, doc what she said for last time. He laughed a little and says Tell her before anyone else does, and eat properly when I am not around.

We cried for little bit. sometimes this feeling sticks to you that let me cry for more but it is not enough more we cry .

actually doc like MS. Park she is Korean but she is phycarist here and good friend of Mr doc.

uk, ms. I am still 20 use to call doc as his first love and Romeo and would warned other nurses and doctors and young patients to be away cause he only belonged to her and Juliet who was MS park.

MS park likes doc too but he was too busy in taking care of his mom I would have done same.

Breaking silent He said, you know while she was leaving she squished my hand as if signalling me "let me go it's time please do what I asked for"

this makes me wonder how much we can save loved ones on machine. It makes me think we beg for medication and plastics for one day more to live.

sadly they too give up, cutting the invisible strand on fake lifeline.

I remember before passing she said me, "hey gotta go, I see it and I will close doors of heaven for u until you turn 100 ,so better stay here and live to fullest don't hide those stupid feelings who are just hurting you say it to someone"

I was confused until today.

after sometime Mr. handsomedoc left suggesting me to go early inside i because of freezing nights.

Now it's end of my daily update this freezing night are begging my hands to stop. It's cold today as if I lost warmth in my life .

bye goodnight .

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