DAY FOUR

DATE : 22/03/2020

HEY again, it's been four day since I am writing diary ,I guess writing diary was always good day.

I have to stay in hospital for three more days for observation, actually things escalated last night , I don't remember anything but doctor said things went in wrong way so I need to be under observation .

I don't understand how much alive u can keep to a Dying human. I overheard a good news and bad news .

Have you ever pretended all fine, even when u are on the latest limit of crying. I think all do that ,even I have did it many times. I don't know how often u mention and consider to talk about yourself but do it, because maybe thats the thing is acting as a poison for your heart and head.

by the way the news the good news is bad for me and bad one is good for me according to me, the good one is I have to go under surgery which have 70 % chance that I can survive, it's good news for my parents not for me, maybe because I really want to die let That be and the bad news is if this the thing happened last night repeats I may die before time.

soooo , okay update for today. I couldn't find that girl I legit tried but I couldn't.

you know I use to wonder ,"maybe I will be loved when I am dead" but believe me you are loved even before the thought of your death. just people are so busy they don't even give a thought about this can happen and any moment can be your last moment.

anyway I am saying this because today my friends visited. the BITCHES that never shared a chips brought dozens of gifts for me.

you know what I like and hate about dying ,you get what you really longed for but you don't get chance to have it. like dude WTF I begged for u when I was alive and u neglected my ass and now I am dying you giving me twice of it.

yeah they came we chit chat ,have you ever read memories we did that today we were going through memories we lost while making new one but UK it's good to go through old ones too.

we laughed and cried tooo yeah all my group of friends legit cried these bitches will make others cry but today They were crying. I just realized its been long we know each other.

they left Saying we wish this is nightmare and wish to pull u and us and everyone out of it.

this "I wish " is hella crazy for me now. They all left but one of them returned and he said something really crazy ,

I was confused but he hold my hand and said, "Hey please don't leave and if you leaving please take easy on yourself this time, I never confessed but I saw you struggling but I just let slip thinking you are strong but I was wrong forgive me , I was about to say him but he said let me say please I nodded asking him to proceed.

he continues saying, you know when ever you said you don't worth it you worth that shit more then that thing worthed , when ever you said you ain't beautiful you were more then beautiful , whenever you said I wish I wanted to make that wish come true actually I never said this but I love you.

we both went silent until I heard his sobs ,I hold his hand tightly signalling him to be strong he got that he nodded and I said I am sorry but I never saw you more then a-

he interrupted me saying yeah ik because you loved yoongi ,he loved you it's just I couldn't hold it back I want you to just know about it and sorry for being selfish In next life i want you to be my girl, and sorry I am gonna do this

and he kissed my forehead I felt it wrong but right at the same time.

wrong because am I betraying yoongi and right because it's last I really don't love him. but when he wished being selfish I too wanted to be selfish and said in my head that in next life we never meet and I be only yoongi's girl..

we were lost in silence he stood and said I love you last time and squished my hand. Before his leave he turned to give me last look I knew he won't return and he knew I wont return his feeling before his leave I said hey, dumbass quit being one sided lover find the girl who is willing to love you, by the way mina loves you but just never confessed just give a look at her she really worth it.

he nodded and just left, are all last days are emotional or it's just my story.

that's it In evening yoongi came I said him the whole story in a breathe and my dear boyfie Says it's okay not the fact he kissed you but it's okay he confessed it won't be burden for him and I am Happy you choose me.

we laughed and took some pictures, again same he refused to go and I pushed him to go.

today's Day was pretty exhausting I was wondering we never know what people really think of us.

IDK if I am lucky or not to get a chance to hear all those.

here Its the end of my day I still have that girl in my mind let's see where we meet in heaven or on earth but bro where I am leading heaven or hell.

I bet I am going hell bcs all my friends are gonna come there and I have some secret sins soo.

for today good night, ≧ω≦ ʕ•ﻌ•ʔ