.- .-. .

Love.

"You asked me what love meant to me, tell me yours," we headed outside the school, where Catherine and Amari were waiting for us. I tried focusing on the question but nothing was coming to mind. Once again, blank.

I didn't realize we have already caught up with the ladies and that made me more worried. Even now, all that I can picture are my white school shoes looking at me, trodding along the tiled sidewalk.

Nathan wasn't looking at me either. The evening wind was cooler and that laughter from Amari and Catherine felt a bit more bitter. I halted in my tracks. Walking is obviously not helping and I'm too overwhelmed with overgrown feelings and it's overdone with my silly mistakes. Nathan quickly realised I wasn't keeping pace and he too stopped in his tracks.

Catherine jerked slightly as though a string had pulled her back, it didn't phase her for long as she continued walking, not turning her head at all. Amari was hesitant to leave and I didn't blame her for not staying soon after. I looked at Amari and Catherine until they were beyond earshot.

"Nathan, you asked me what love means to me, well honestly, I don't know myself. Even after the movies and series of chick-flicks, rom-coms, tragic love stories, every classic on cheesy romance doesn't warrant me an expert,"

His eyes were slowly being pulled back from the void, his ears perked up slightly, I tried looking him in the eyes but I darted away, afraid I'll lose my train of thought.

"There's nothing wrong with the shows, I just know it's me. Every single time, even at the climax, the forbidden kiss, nothing is going through my brain, Nathan, nothing. I'm scared that I've grown numb to the shows, and I've grown numb to you and in turn, I don't know you, I don't know who we are,"

"Caleb, stop, you're crying,"

I looked down at my hands, trembling and my stomach being pulled up my chest. I slowly reached for my face and wiped the tear stains off my warm cheeks. I can't let Nathan see me like this, rubbing against my sleeves as quickly as I can. The pure emotion of how stupid can you be was overtaking me, a new form of anguish that overflowed out of my eyes again.

Desperately trying to control myself, I turn away, moving myself further away from him. By the time I completely rid myself of the tears, Nathan was standing right in front of me, towering over me, his hands reaching out to grab my shoulders.

The weight of his hands on my shoulders felt heavier than expected, purposely weighing me down to prevent me from running away. I flinched in response, tensing up. I could hear the cars on the road grow louder, their presence bearing down on me as I'm looking up to Nathan. I choked on my words,

"Nathan, n-not here, I'm sorry," the tension of the onlookers peering at us, I could hear their every thought about me, about us and how we would look like. My heart beats in rhythm with the cacophony of comments hurtling towards us. I grab at his shirt, slipping from my trembling, doing the best I can to push back. I furrow my eyes, begging him to stop grabbing me because everyone is watching us.

"Caleb, what do you want?," his anger seeping out on his skin, his palms now like fire pulsing through my body, he's searching my eyes for an answer but maybe from all the crying he wasn't so certain anymore.

His arms dropped unexpectedly , the heat instantly evaporating from my body, "I don't know what you want Caleb, but you need to tell me because a long time ago, I once knew you as the guy who walked alone with your head held high, unafraid of anyone, your presence well known for your ability. Maybe, you're right to grow numb, because I don't know who I'm holding on to anymore."

Nathan tucked his hands in his pocket, I stood there motionless, the thought of who I am didn't seem to grapple as it should, losing the fight of the image of who I was once and am shattered.

I'm not smart.

I'm not ready.

I'm not real.

I reached home, exhausted. Having a heavy heart and ploughing through study was overbearing. Thinking about what my mistakes were, things I could have said and excuses for being unprepared when it didn't answer my questions. The little jitterbugs were trying their best to keep their composure until our scheduled break time. The doorbell rang.

Instinctively, I made my way to the door. Thinking, maybe after all this craziness, our parents are finally home and I can finally be with them on my birthday. Earnestly, I opened the door, envisioning my parents surprising me in the best possible way.

Instead, it was Nathan's sister, Stephanie, panting at the gate. Looking up at me, she only spoke one word, "Nathan."

Stephanie looked worn out. Casper called Catherine-being one of the better screamer has its perks. We took her in and she explained to us everything she could in as few breaths as she could muster.

"Nathan drank a lot from the cans...drank a lot, passed out on the couch...dad won't be happy, he's coming home soon, couldn't call you...phone broke." she huffed a few more times as her face was still red as a red balloon.

Cassandra hugged Stephanie. Whatever happened back at their house didn't sound good. The first instinct would be to go to Nathan's house and talk things out with him even though he's most probably drunk. The only problem is that Nathan's abusive father would get more mad if he finds out Nathan was drinking and we would be the ones stepping into sensitive territory. Maybe that's what we need to do.

"Caleb, whatever you're thinking, you know we are stepping out of line, this is Nathan's family and their personal and family matter, we don't know what we are involving ourselves in," Catherine's voice trying to sound authoritative on the situation.

"Cat, he helped me today, there has to be something I can do for him,"

"Whatever he helped you with, this isn't the same kind of help,"

"Are you stupid? You don't even get it, just let me go and check on Nathan, Stephanie can stay here," she perked up when she heard her name, hoping to stay here too. Cassandra beamed with happiness at the thought that Stephanie was going to have a sleepover, but Catherine remained her ground.

"No, we are not keeping her here, she will return home-"

"Why are you so uncaring?!"