-- .

We knew we would be wasting our breath, retreating to our bases, bandaging ourselves so that we can hurt each other more later. My head pounds with too many problems, slowly clawing my head, wishing I could pull it out like lumps of tumour infesting my brain, but I can't.

Problem one: my deteriorating integrity with me and Amari, how I stuck her up about the question: what is my relationship with Nathan. To disappoint her like that is unfathomable because being the care-free, energetic, malleable and wonderful Amari gives me every opportunity to be myself and I still, I still stood her up on something that would be so simple.

Problem two: the terrible thing I blurted out at my sister. What's scarier is that she is leading all three of us, so I can't tell what she would have to do and how much more I'm pushing her till I break her. It's like our parents say, sometimes 'the blind lead the blind' and nobody knows how well a job someone does.

Problem three: all of what I knew about Nathan. All that he has done for me, especially today, has kept spiralling out of control and I let it happen. Slip through my fingers, whatever you call it, in the end I caused it.

Recovering myself, hit after hit I slump against the door outside my room. My sweaty, stinky presence would shoot Casper out of bed. My back aches, tugging away at my shirt and pulling it over my arms. Exasperated, the cool air pricks my skin wishing that it was Nathan's hands warming me under the bitter cold.

Momentarily, I stand in front of the closed door to our parent's room. Placing my hand on the door knob, I picture the contents of the room, the window illuminating the white but dusty sheets. Would it look as pretty as how I imagine? The thought that my parents would suddenly appear when I open the door seemed exciting but stupid because I don't have power, or control in changing anything outside my control. Ridiculous.

I storm into the toilet, facing my demons once again straight in the mirror. Throwing down my shirt into the cloth basket, I look at my reflection, my skin glowing redder than it should against the blue moonlight.

"What do you want," I mouth, straining my throat to stop anything to speak out. My face feels a force from within, pushing against my cheeks and eyes till I hear the drops fall into the sink.

I beckon the words again but I don't feel the rage in me anymore, the words only being hollow and regretful that I have to want something. The most overused question to spiral oneself into agony and existential purpose for a very long time.

What a way to celebrate a birthday.

Scrubbing myself long enough till my skin turned a shade lighter and hopefully smelling as normal as possible, I returned to my room. Exhausted from the series of events today, I don't know what will await me tomorrow, plopping myself on the bed.

"Caleb, what happened at Nathan's house?," Casper hovering his head upside down like a bat.

"Hey bud, don't worry about it, I'll tell you in the morning when big sis asks me," reassuring him quickly, ready to shut myself out from the world.

"Did you mean what you said to Cat?"

"No, it's how we always fight and it's like how we all fight with each other," a slow smile growing on my face from all the troubles we all got into every time we fought, overall bittersweet memories but that's us.

His head still cranes over the bed frame, his face was hard to see in the dark but his tone sounded displeased, "Are you sure because, it sounded like you mean it."

"You're overthinking it, Casper, I didn't mean what I said to Catherine because she is anything but that," I wasn't sure if I was saying the right thing or the comforting thing for the time being.

Casper retracts slowly, even in the dark, I could tell his eyes were watching me very closely and they were not happy. I facepalmed myself with the pillow. What I said to Catherine wasn't really true is it? Maybe the magazine article I read on kids being able to pick up on every emotion that goes through me is right, then why do I feel such resentment towards her?

Frustratingly, I come up with the same old answer, I don't know. Like how I don't know anything that is going on today. I'm starting to hate this answer terribly, not just because I can't figure out an explanation but because it's an uncaring notion.

My thoughts faded till morning, when the ominous ring of the doorbell kicked me back into reality. Casper clambered out of his bed, down the ladder and his elephant stomps on the stairs.

"Coming!" shouting unnecessarily loud, when a voice from the entrance startled me more.

"OK!"

A scream of excitement came from downstairs. Cassandra burst open the door to her room, almost hitting Catherine in the process. We all grabbed onto the stair railing, clambering down without trying to trip over ourselves and each other.

We stare at the entrance to see Casper hugging mom and dad stepping out of the car. Cassandra held no restraint to pounce on dad, leaving me and Cat shocked as if we were still dreaming that they were really back.

Mom was wearing her bright work uniform with a black fanny pack and sneaker shoes, while dad was in his brown suit and striped pink tie.

"Come here, you both look like you've seen ghosts," mom extends her arm out, patiently waiting for us to fall into her arms. I hugged her tightly back, hoping this would last longer-for them to stay longer.

It had been almost over a month since we had seen them, just the blissful relief that they were finally back and that we are whole again. Foolish to believe, but maybe touching that door really brought them back.

"What time did you leave the city to get back here?" Catherine asked worriedly, our parents' eyes were barely half open.

"Hey, why not we go inside first and make breakfast, plus it's the weekend. We can do anything you all want," mom excitedly exclaimed.

"ANYTHING?" Casper and Cassandra screamed in unison.

"Anything," dad reassured us, having Casper and Cassandra trying to drag them into the house.

Mom tiptoed and reached for my forehead, pecking it and saying, "Happy birthday, my son, I'm sorry." Tears welled up in my eyes as she hugged me again.

This morning felt too surreal, it's been over a month since we last saw them which has been the longest away from home. Normally it was only several days to a week and a half away. Sometimes they would have to go unexpectedly, which goes south pretty quickly.

An overall peaceful morning, with fragrant smells coming from the kitchen while dad turned on the television for us, setting down some cardboard boxes in the middle of the living room.