chapter 24

I slumped down on the ground, letting my back hit the floor in a not so gentle thud, drops of sweat sliding down my face and into my ears, irritating the shit out of me.

Dylan clapped and I crunched up asif asking him why.

"Oh no honey, the applause for JJ, you and Hunter sucked," he said laughing aloud and Hunter threw his shirt at his face making Dylan's face twisted into a disgusted expression and I wore a satisfied smile before slumping onto the floor again. 

" You guys weren't that bad honestly,  a few months of practice and you'll be stars," Sierra encouraged and Ashton laughed.

"That would actually be encouraging if the presentation wasn't in two weeks now you just sound like you were being sarcastic," she hit the back of his bed and quickly apologized to us saying it's not what she meant. 

JJ on the other hand was not taking this as lightly as the rest of us, as I mentioned earlier he's a perfectionist and I could tell our failure to grasp the moves was starting to get to him.

"Are you okay JJ?" I asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I am just tired, can I go take a shower and nap," he asked and I nodded knowing he was starting to obsess over this and that's not healthy for him. 

When he was about five he was showing signs of developing an Obsessive Compulsive disorder, it was minor and the child therapist said his could be triggered by strenuous activities. He went through mild therapies and medication and the signs stopped but sometimes I see his struggle with order and routine and now that dad wasn't around I just sort of didn't know what to do. 

"Earth to Lia, are you okay?" Dylan asked me and I blinked several times, I had completely zoned out. What were they talking about?

"Sorry, I didn't catch that," 

"You got any movies?" Dylan repeated and I nodded. We decided to end this awesome day of procrastination and being unproductive by adding a little more unproductivity to it. We made butter popcorn in Finn's kitchen, lodged in the living room and watched the notebook.

Ashton and Hunter tried talking us into watching the iron man  trilogy  but it was two against three, majority rules. 

Two hours later, I stood stretching, my back tired from sitting in the same position for too long, Sierra was still sobbing which I laughed at and Ashton was smiling because she was sobbing into his shoulder, Dylan had zoned out half way through the movie and was now fully immersed in another Twitter war, Hunter on the other hand was watching the credits roll up in awe I shoved him and laughed

"Looks like you found a new favourite movie," I joked and he shook his head asif trying to come back to earth.

"How is this the first time I am watching this movie? That movie is ….. wow.. just wow," 

"You are welcome, we accept your gratitude towards our stupendous taste in movies," I bowed, faking a posh English accent and he kicked my ankle. 

"Violence is a bad thing Hunter Daniels, I expected better from you, so disappointing," I pushed some more and he tried throwing a pillow at me but I dodged it and it ended up hitting Dylan. 

"What the fuck you guys?" He glared and I giggled.

An hour later everyone had said goodbye and I was now standing in an empty living room, I didn't  like it, I didn't  like being alone with my feelings and thoughts, the feeling of loneliness that washed over me carried a wave of sadness with it, I tried to shake it off and act like am okay but I really wasn't, I wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere in a corner and cry. 

My legs climbed the staircases that led to the bedrooms and I decided to check on JJ before I go to my own room. 

He was seated on his bed reading a book and I smiled at him. He looked so adorable. I couldn't believe how much he had grown. He heard my footsteps and his face lifted so he could look at me. 

"Hey," I greeted

"Hey," he replied as I sat in his bed, we looked at each other for a while and we had this crazy telepathic sort of moment where we both knew what the other needed without saying it out loud. 

I pulled his head into my lap and we settled into a calmness. 

"It's lonely here," he voiced and I nodded even if he couldn't see me. 

"We should get some sleep, we have school tomorrow," I finally said and he sat up looking at me,

"Will you sleep here today, I don't want to be alone," he asked and my heart clenched, this is not how an eight year old was supposed to live, he had to be happy and bouncy and lively, he shouldn't even know what loneliness feels like, i had to blink several times to stop tears from falling, i didn't want him to see me cry. 

I nodded and he smiled," lemme wash up first okay, finish reading and I'll be back in a bit," he nodded and i left his room rushing to my bathroom where i slid against the door and began crying, what hurts most is we weren't always like this, we were happy, we didn't lack anything, Dad made it to every school event took us to the park, Dad was perfect, now he's gone, and it all happened too fast, I don't know what to do. 

At that moment I realized I needed the pills, I had stopped taking them months ago, I needed them or I would go crazy. I stood up from the floor and went through my medicine cabinet finding the bottle of pills with almost no trouble at all. I eyed the bottle as though giving myself a moment for my mind to change but there was no other way, so I took out one pill and swallowed it without water. 

The water felt cool against my body, I was tired and all I wanted to do was rest so I kept my shower as brief as possible. I quickly threw on my pyjamas and rushed to JJ's room sliding into bed next to him.

"Goodnight LJ," he whispered. 

"Goodnight JJ," I replied and we both drifted off into a dark space of nothingness.