chapter 44

The continuous beeping sound must have been the most annoying as I layed in that stifling hospital bed. 

I remember my eyes hated the foreign light as I woke up for the first time, and I found myself wondering if that's how babies feel when they're born, do they hate the random  noises that are emitted by people, most of them having no passion whatsoever for whatever it is they are indulging in, is that why they cry, do they miss the darkness, the comfort of it, the endless possibilities within it. 

That's how I felt, I missed the darkness, I missed the numb feeling and quietness of it, to be completely alone in existence, no compromises, no suffering, no losing people that mean the world to you. 

The first day I woke up, I felt mad, I felt angry that I had to wake up, I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to look at these people and see the disappointment in their faces or the pain I've caused them, I didn't want to talk about what had happened, I wanted to disappear and have them act like I never existed. 

This would make a perfect answer for the question my dear therapist had hit me with but I didn't want to cooperate, hell I didn't even want to heal. To move on, that's what she called it, but I didn't want to move on from him,  I didn't want to forget him, I didn't want to not hurt for him, because he hurt alot and he needed someone to carry some of that pain with him, and I couldn't do that, this is my punishment. 

"Lia, this can only work if you're cooperating with me, tell me anything, you can't be quiet, it's not healthy," 

Silence. 

She let out a deep breath. "Very well then, this marks the end of our session, I'll see you tomorrow, yes?" She asks with a bright smile. 

I honestly don't know why she asks honestly, she knows I'll be here anyway whether I want to or not. 

After I woke up in that hospital, my mother had gone haywire, she signed me into this depression psychiatry program where I'll be staying for the next two weeks with a bunch of strangers that barely talk, not that I hate it. I enjoy being invisible and small here, no one is thinking about me or what am doing except the nurses, everyone else is just tryna figure their own shit out. 

And it was one of those programs that didn't make you out to be a crazy person, we don't wear crazy people robes, or have soft blocks on our hands to protect us from hurting ourselves on the contrary, if someone walked around here they would think they stumbled across a community boarding school. 

We get to use our phones for about six hours everyday, I honestly never do, I was not ready for pretentious conversations, I wanted to just be by myself, I might never say this out loud and I might not be cooperating properly with the therapist but I appreciated the solitude and space away from everyone I know. 

The seventh day was easier for me, Miss Sharma, my therapist had got me to talk about dad, and even though I kept expecting pain to course through me, well it did but not as bad as I thought, the memories brought me joy and a feeling of peace, some of them at least.

I miss my brother Terribly, but I am not brave enough to see him just yet. The only person I get to see is Trevor, he's been coming around a bit to hang out with me, he even offered to bring me my homework, for the week I won't be able to go to sleep. Am not sure if he does this because he wants to or because he feels guilty that he was the one that gave me the pills. 

"You don't have to do this, you know!" I said and he gave me a confused look.

"What?" 

"Feeling guilty....pitying me," I answered looking down at the table suddenly unable to face what I've become, a pitiful person. 

"I do feel guilty Lia, alot honestly, but it's not the only or main reason am here, and it's most definitely not because I pity you, I don't pity you Lia, pain is not something to pity, its human nature, it happens to all of us, to bleed is as human as to breathe," I scoffed and he laughed back.

"Those philosophy classes are really doing it for you huh," I said smiling and he shrugged, focusing on his food. 

I appreciated him in ways I had never appreciated a person. I appreciated his silence, I appreciated the way he saw the world, the way he saw me, yet for some reason everytime he does something good for me I can't help but think of a certain raven haired boy and wish he was the one doing all this. 

The thought had me spaced out for a minute and my appetite was gone. 

"Lia  what's wrong you spaced out?" He must have been telling me something, I smiled and shook my head to let him know it's nothing and attempted to get back to my meal. 

"Why are you here?" The question threw itself out of my mouth before I could even think it through, or maybe I was thinking out loud but either way I was honestly curious. 

His eyes were on mine, he didn't blink, he didn't seem nervous, if I am being honest, I envied his confidence and his ability to just go. 

"Because I like you, I like you alot Lia," he said after a while, and you'd think that for someone that sort of had a feeling I wouldn't really be surprised. On the contrary my heart was thundering in my chest, was it fear? But why? Did I like him back? Will he be my way of forgetting about Hun....

And there was my answer, it was definitely fear and not because I liked him. 

"But I know you're going through enough right now, so I am not about to pressure you with that," he said, realising I had been quiet for a really long time. 

"Thank you," I said in a small voice and he smiled before going back to his food.