chapter 45

Days at the hospital were pretty much the same, the previous being exactly like the next. At some point they connect like unibrows and you're just not sure where the other one ended. 

Some days I felt suffocated by the loneliness, other days I felt blissful, sometimes I just wanted to call my friends over and talk to them but I am still a coward. 

Then there were Days like today. today I was rather chatty with my past, i told Dr.Sharma about my father, about he'ssickness, he's death and how I feel about it all, my heart broke through the entire thing and sometimes the sob got caught in my throat and I could not breathe. She listened patiently, handed me tissues when I needed them which was needed a lot by the way. It was painful but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, like my head had come above water right before I had drowned and I could breathe again 

"Let's talk about your nightmares, what do you see," she asked in her calm calvulative  voice. 

"Uhmm, .... they're about my dad, in the hospital, he's usually in bed in a hospital gown, looking so tired and pained, he's voice hoarse and it looks painful to speak but he's still tryna crack a joke.....he tells me he loves me very much and I said it back, we smile at each other, but his body starts to diminish  and soon it is reduced to nothing but bones, and he's speaking but I can't hear him, I try to reach out but he sort of disappears and then am in this white space and I can hear him everywhere, I can feel him everywhere but I can't see him,..." 

"Breathe, breathe Lia, breathe for me," she soothes and I realise I was panicking through my narration, I do what she saying and put my hands over my mouth trying not shout, but the sobs still escaped, I felt my body shudder and this woman just watched me. 

I wanted to be mad that she didn't rush to my side to comfort me but I also kind of understood, she wasn't here to pick me up, she was here to teach me how to pick myself up. How to not wait for a saviour which was something I was doing.

So I cried while hugging myself, I  whipped my own tears and when I felt like I was done she spoke again. 

"Tell me about your dad, how was it having  him as  a dad?" I smiled, I didn't even know where the strength came from but my lips stretched out into a full smile and soon began rumbling about random things he did. 

He was awesome, the kindest man ever, he couldn't eat pizza without black olives but he always picked them out, he said he likes the way they flavour the pizza but they feel weird in his mouth, he was a man that liked to joke, and play sports, he was competitive, he was always focused in anything that looked like a competition, he liked winning, but in a narcissistic way but he believed in doing things to the best of his ability. 

Dr.Sharma listened without interrupting me, She laughed at some of the jokes, she really listened to what I was saying, and it hit me, this is what I've always wanted, someone to just listen, to really hear what I was saying, and the thought that someone might disregard my pain or call me over sensitive or whiny always held me back. 

"He was the greatest man ever, he whipped up a great lasagna as well, I always wondered why he never dated after she left, he was perfect, he made everyone happy," 

"By she, you mean your mom?" She asked and my smile tilted into a frown, there was a lot of anger towards my mother no lie there, I was no stranger to it, I knew I was angry that she left, I knew all her reasons were selfish and childish and what pissed me off the most was I still wanted her to love me. I wanted her to want me and JJ. For years and years as a child I had dreams of her coming back and us being one happy family again, but I grew up and realized, some people just don't want you sometimes and there's nothing you can do to change that.

"How would you explain the relationship between you and your mother?" She asked again and I scoffed, 

"Non existent." I answered and she didn't say anything. She just watched me and waited for me to say more but that was all she was getting, I wasn't going to talk about her today. Today I just wanted to think of dad and not feel like it's tearing me apart  today was not about her. 

Trevor came around a little later with a school bag of books and offered to do my homework with me which was ironic considering we didn't have a single class together, but it was a cute gesture so we settled down under a tree and worked in a comfortable silence until I felt eyes burning through my skin. I looked up and his eyes were fixed on me, 

"What.." I was a little worried that I might have something on my face but calmed down when I saw that devious smile make its way on his face. I smiled back. 

"Goshh you're so beautiful," he said, just like he had done  at that party right before I kissed him.

I felt my heart stop and my cheeks heat up, I didn't feel like I liked Trevor, not in the way I like Hunter at least but there was still something about him that made my body react differently. 

Maybe it was how he spoke to me and the fact that I am the only one he spoke to like that. He was usually silent, not talking unless he had been talked to but he was a bit chatty around me, and he had the most captivating smile and pair of blue eyes. Physically I had to admit I felt something towards him and maybe it wouldn't be so bad to try it. 

So I put my big girl pants on and sent him a flirtatious smile and said, "well, you're not so bad yourself Mr Hill," then he left. It was simple and calm but it made me happy.