Chapter 6

I lay in bed the best I can.

I try to will myself to sleep, but it doesn’t come easy.

Am I in shock? Am I disappointed?

Perhaps it’s a mix of both?

I’m not too sure…

Callisto has long left, and now I’m left to my thoughts in the darkness that is my room.

Nothing has changed. The silk of my blanket, the softness of my pillow, the image of my journal at the bedside table, and the patterns of my bedroom wall.

Nothing.

So why is it that everything I see looks so different to me? Why do the things I feel all feel too dull against my skin?

Get a hold of yourself, Lillian. What’s wrong with you?

The last conversation we had before he left lingers in my mind.

[“From now on, I think I’ll stop visiting you like this, it won’t be fair to her.”]

[“That would be for the best. Thank you for always coming.”]

[“You’re welcome… Good night, Ann.”]

[“... Goodbye, Callisto.”]

Stupid Lillian.

You should have told him “Good night” and not “Goodbye”.

Stupid, stupid Lillian.

What if he mistakes what you mean? Why did you say that? Surely he’ll misunderstand. Why didn’t you respond properly like you should have?

Even if I ask myself all of that, I think I know the reason all too well.

I was sad. And angry. I was both sad and angry.

I’m sad that he got engaged to Rosanna. I’m sad from the thought that he would be marrying her in the future. I’m sad because she’ll get to be Mrs. Callisto in the future.

Mrs. Callisto…

What a stupid title.

I wish it were mine.

And that’s precisely why I’m angry.

Because I can’t help but linger onto this wish. This selfish and ugly wish and I’m angry that I never got to tell him how I truly feel.

But how can I?

I’m engaged to Cyrus. I have been from the beginning. I have no right to fall in love with Callisto, his younger brother!

Cyrus has been so kind to me, so nice, so sweet. He doesn’t deserve such an unfaithful fiancee and he certainly doesn’t deserve such an unfaithful wife.

But it was so hard not to fall in love with Callisto. It was so hard not to admire him, not to feel my heart flutter every time he would knock on my balcony door. Every time he would just sit there next to me talking about a cat that entered the palace ground. It was hard not to find his smiles lovable. It was hard not to enjoy the warmth of his hand when I’m too sick to do anything else.

It was hard not to enjoy his company that day all those years ago. When we were still children, he approached me under that tree when others refused to come near me due to my frail appearance.

When I first lost something precious, it was hard not to rely on him.

It’s hard.

It’s too hard!

[“I’m finally engaged to Lady Rosanna”]

…

Ah.

I feel the cloth of my pillow grow damp near my eyes… Surely that must be from me.

Don’t cry, Lillian. Don’t you cry now…

“Don’t cry…!”

But it’s no use… The tears keep falling without my consent. What a horrible person I am. What a terrible woman I am.

Stop it.

Ah…

Dear Goddess Gaia…

“Please… if you’ll hear my request… I only have one.”

I won’t ask for something unreasonable. I won’t ask for something impossible.

It hurts. My chest. My heart. My mind. Everything hurts, and if I must, I will continue to endure this pain for the rest of my life.

I will do anything for this one wish, so, please…

“Please ensure Callisto’s happiness.”

~

That night I saw a strange dream.

No, a fragment of my memory.

I was standing on the balcony of my room, and in the distance, I saw a familiar little blue bird fly away with all its might, a birdcage by my feet.

The bluebird was so beautiful, and I thought it might melt into the sky if it flew far enough.

And… I can clearly recall reaching out towards that beautiful bluebird.

I didn’t wish to have wings like it. I couldn’t.

Because I understood that should I ever get wings, I would undoubtedly fall before I can fly as far as it did.

I cannot even run ten meters without falling over breathless and in pain. However, would I manage to do something like flying?

I am a bird stuck in a birdcage that is as big as a palace.

People would speak of how that would be a bad thing. “No one wants to live a life of being caged,” they’d say.

But I don’t see my circumstances as something to disdain.

Yes, I would like to be free too. Yes, I have imagined what it would be like to run as much as any other children. To just jump, and play, and laugh, and dance, to my heart’s content. I want to live just like everyone else.

But I can’t.

There was a time I asked the Imperial Doctor. [“Dr. Iris, will I ever be capable of being like everyone else?”]

[“Yes, Milady, surely you will-”]

[“Please, don’t lie to me”]

[“... I apologize, Milady. As the Imperial Doctors, we will do our best to find a way… but as for now, all I can tell you is no. There may never come a time where you can be healthy enough to run like the other children.”]

[“Thank you, Doctor.”]

With how sickly and frail I am, I’m sure there’s no other way for me to live.

Yes, in this birdcage, this palace, I am provided for. I am given an opportunity to learn as much as I want, to read as many books as I please. My future is guaranteed to be honorable as the next Empress Consort, and I am surrounded by people who cares for me.

The Imperial family.

Andrew and Sally.

They care for me, who is so sickly she wouldn’t be able to live a full life, and they stay by me, taking care to see me smiling.

To me, they are truly precious.

I cannot have the same freedom as the little bluebird, but I have many things I feel grateful for from the bottom of my heart.

Through that window, my eyes went to the roofs of the capital city- built beyond the gates to the palace grounds.

There are many people who are least fortunate than myself.

It was on that day that I truly came to realize it.

Just as that bluebird is blessed with flight...

I am a blessed individual.

~

I woke up after that.

I can tell that I’m awake, but I don’t feel like opening my eyes just yet.

...

For some reason, my body feels heavy. My eyelids also feel as though they’ve been glued shut.

Am I sick again? Another fever?

Just when I’ve recovered too.

“It’s been five days since she went into a coma.”

Hm?

“Yeah, goodness, how could she think of something so troubling to do?”

I don’t recognize their voices.

Are they maids? But then how do I not recognize their voices? I’ve memorized every name of every servant working in my palace, so surely I would recognize their voices as well, but I don’t.

“Did you see how the Young Lord had reacted?”

“Should we even be talking about this here, in her presence?”

“Who cares? It’s not like she’s awake, and you heard the doctors there’s a greater possibility that she’ll just die.”

Hm… I really can’t recall, and the way they speak is so rude. I don’t think Andrew would allow such maids to be hired.

So then… who are they?

Curiosity wins over, and I struggle before I open my eyes.

I wait for my vision to clear… and the sight of the canopy bed’s ceiling is foreign to me.

Am I still dreaming?

I would know what my canopy looks like. I’ve seen it so many times that I’m entirely sick of it… but the design isn’t that of mine.

Alarmed, I quickly try to push myself up.

I have to see where I am. I couldn’t possibly be in my room-! No.

No. Stay calm, Lillian. Don’t lose yourself to the panic.

Perhaps something happened. The maids said you were asleep for five days… Maybe they moved you to a different room?

But why would they? My room is unique. The Temple of the Goddess blessed the entirety of it for the sake of my health! Even if they were the imperial family, it would not be easy to have it be done again to a different part of the palace.

If I were sick, they wouldn’t put me in a different room. Even if they did, there would be a priest watching over me at all times. The maids wouldn’t have the space to gossip this loudly.

So, where exactly am I?

“K-kyaaaaa!” one of the maids scream, and I hear a thud.

My eyes dart over to them, and I indeed see a pair of maids, wholly unfamiliar, even down to their uniforms. One has fallen over; she might have been the one to scream. The other one stands there in horror and shock.

I try to ask them where I am and why I was brought here- but the moment I try to speak, I start to cough- and my head starts to pound.

Five days, they said?

The coughing is from trying to speak with the lack of water… the pounding headache must be from being too famished.

As though that is a signal, I hear the sounds of pounding feet and the door being slammed open. “Someone!” the maid yells. “Someone come quick! Milady woke up!”

Must she scream so loudly? It’s worsening my headache!

Calm down, Lillian. The headache will subside so long as you calm down.

See, your coughing has subsided… Now for the head-

“Milady Rosanna is awake!”

… What?

Rosanna?

What does she mean by that?

My name is Lillian.

I’m not-...

It’s not possible.

Quickly darting around the room, I find there’s a mirror just near the bed.

I scramble off of the bed I’m on, startling the maid still on the ground into moving- I don’t care.

I shuffle as quickly as I can to the mirror, uncaring if my legs buckle without any strength. I manage to stumble on the ground right in front of it.

I feel the maid’s hands on my shoulder- this body’s shoulder, and I think they’re trying to tell me something, but I can’t hear it. My eyes are too focused on the sight in front of me.

Crimson hair as beautiful as the setting sky.

Green eyes as vibrant as the summer leaves.

Skin that is healthy and not sickly.

Oh Goddess…

Oh dear Goddess, how can this be?!

I have become Rosanna?!