Three

Kathryn

So I start explaining the best I can "Nathan, I don't know if me coming with you tonight was inevitable or just by chance. I've spent nights thinking of what I would say." before I can finish there is a light knocking at the door. He gets up and walks over and looks out the side window. Nathan lets out a exasperated sign and says almost inaudible "This is terrible timing." He walks back to me and says "Kathryn, Emily is here. We broke up and I don't want you to think that I'm not the man I've been trying to be. I just want you to know that before I open the door." My eyes widen and my mind is racing ... If they are broken up why is she here after midnight? He heads back to the door as another set of knocking started. Opening the door he says "Emily, what are you doing here?" Her cheery voice comes in loud and clear "Hey I was coming to check on you on my way home from work. I know tonight was hard for you." She sounds so sweet and caring it almost makes me wish they would have worked.. almost. Then she says "Was she there? How did it go with the first time seeing Alex and her?" Nathan finally interrupts her and says "It was fine Emily. You didn't have to stop by. I told you days ago I would be fine." She hesitates and then says "Wait... is she here.. now?" He nods his head "Yes Em. She is. Look I'm not trying to be rude at all but I appreciate you checking on me but I need to talk to her and I don't want her to get the wrong impression." I can hear the smile in her voice when she says "I can already tell this is good for you Nathan. I'm gonna get going but good luck." He says goodbye and shuts the door... I'm sitting in awe because I'm not sure what I just witnessed. Him trying to show me he's changed. Who is this man standing in front of me and when did he become him? He sits back beside me and reaches for my hands and I can't stop myself from saying "Nathan, you told her about us? Like everything?" He searches my face and says "Well yeah because she had to realize that what was between the two of us was something that couldn't be replaced. That a part of my heart would always belong to you." I'm speechless it's almost too much, too soon. I can't deny that I still love him but I don't know if this is what's right for either of us. Before I can say anything else my eyes are welling with tears, he says "Kathryn, I know that you won't trust me like you did before. Know I'm going to try my very best to make it up to you. If you will let me."

My eyes start to burn before I can stop my tears from falling it's too late. Staining my satin dress. I can't bare to look at him. "I have never needed someone the way I needed you, Kathryn. That scared the shit out of me." His voice hitting my heart as it always has. All the memories come flooding back. He had become my solace, my safe place, and possibly my saving grace then was ripped away from me. My hands instantly go over my eyes. His hands rising to meet my chin. "Kat please don't hide your face from me it's breaking my heart" my eyes making contact with his, a look I'll never forget. "You've already broken mine... more times than I can count. Yet here I am even though I know better. Alone with you in your beautiful home, coming right back to you like a fool Nathan. You choose your best friend over me. Let me go without even a fight." Trying to contain the tears that are trying their best to make me look as weak as I feel. "Babe, you know that's not what I wanted. I was young and so foolish. I didn't realize the choice I was making. I didn't realize what I would be losing. I know I never expressed how I felt but I'm here and I'm telling you now. I loved you. Keeping my distance from you has potentially ruined me." He pauses for a second before he continues "Back then I thought that I could keep you both but I never thought he would react the way he did. Hell, the first day I met you, I was yours. Once I got a taste of what being with you could be like I was scared. But not to be with you to lose you. I never thought I could just let you go because you were a part of me. Since it's been a space that no one else can fill. I didn't mean to turn to Sarah and I can never justify why I did. I truly believe it was because she reminded me of you in small parts. I knew she couldn't replace you. Then you answered her phone the night I was waiting on her and I couldn't even think straight. The resentment in your voice. It took all I could do not to show up at your house. I didn't think it would hurt me to lose you the way it did. It has hurt me more and more every day." He stops for a second again collecting his thoughts then says.

"Kathryn, I wish you were mine every single day! I would type out a text, my thump hovering over the send. And I wasn't able to send it knowing I would have to explain what happened." I cut him off and say "Why now?" He doesn't hesitate if I learned anything for the first time around it's that him being open is hard. But not tonight he says. "Because you're an amazing person. You are beautiful. You deserve so much more than you realize... Hell, you should be loved the way you want to be loved and it breaks my heart to know that I wasn't able to give you what you ultimately deserve."

My hands reach out for him I can't stop myself I have to touch him."You are the sweetest man! Nathan, you will always have a huge piece of my heart. I'm not trying to be cold towards you. I swear it just feels like this is too good to be true." His expression softens as he says "I know I feel it too. I was a coward before but I'm not that same guy anymore." At this moment I believe him entirely. I lean my forehead against his. And he says "I've missed you so much." Finally, I give in and say " and I've missed you! I can't tell you that I didn't think about you way more often than I ever should've because that would be a lie. Or that my supposed best friend rubbing it in my face when she knew how I still felt, didn't hurt because it did. But I knew she didn't like the idea of us together because she would always tell me that I was too much for you and if I was around, she was flirting with you." he nods and I continue "Once we started seeing each other it became more not just bundles of emotions or a string of lust filled nights. I was addicted to a list of things like; being in your presence, you're dimples that come from the purest smile, the way my name sounded coming from your lips, your touch and honestly to every part of you. But the time I realized how I truly felt I told you and all you said was "Kathryn I know." that crushed me that you wouldn't tell me back that you didn't feel the same. When you let Alex win it changed me. I knew deep down when it came out you would. But it becoming a reality hit harder. I was broken unable to move away from the constant thoughts. But now hearing you say all the things I wanted you to before." he takes my hands in his and says "Kat, I could never understand how anyone could be with you or look at you and not be so deeply consumed by your intoxicating, beautiful soul... I want you, believe that. I'm telling you right now without a doubt forever was made for us." My mind wonders back to Sarah and tonight then I ask without thinking "Nathan did you know Sarah wanted me to talk to you tonight. She actually asked me to. I don't know why but before I left the house tonight I knew I would find something I had lost. But what does all of that mean really?"He looks down studying our intertwined hands and says "Kathryn I want to try again! If you want to. We can do it by our terms. No hesitation this time because I know what I stand to lose. I need you. Did you know that you quiet the storm that's inside of me. My constant need to be a great man to live up to my father. I didn't see a future with anyone until you and I haven't seen once since." He looks back up at me bringing my hand to his mouth he kisses my knuckles then slowly turns my hand palm up and kisses my wrist. Then says "Second chances aren't for the weak of heart but they are the best kind of redemption for a connection like ours." His fingers tracing where his kiss was on my wrist. "Kathryn I know it's a lot and soon but I've lived seven years without you. I don't want to go another day." Tears welling up in my eyes when I finally say "Can I be completely honest with you!" He nods his head trying not to interrupt me "The night we got caught I knew you would choose Alex from the moment you left. I could feel my heart breaking as the time went by for the next few hours afterwards. I didn't realize just how invested I was in you until you were no longer there. I would check my phone repeatedly and some nights waiting on you to show up. My heart wasn't ready to except what I already knew. But still I waited. I've been waiting everyday since."