Chapter 5: Nurse

I smiled as I handed the small child a cherry flavored lollipop. They looked up at me almost as if they didn’t trust me, but the temptation of the lollipop melted away their hesitancy and they smiled back at me while taking the candy. I led them to my room and told them I’d be right back.

I walked into the waiting area to see the child’s panicking father. He had his head in his hands and he looked like he was talking to himself. I walked over and put a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look up.

“I have your child in the room waiting to receive another shot. I want you to know that they are safe with me and you can rest.” He looked at me with a warm smile.

“I can’t thank you enough for all your help with this. If it wasn’t for you, my poor baby probably would have passed already. I’m forever grateful to you.”

Shaking my head I said, “You don’t have to thank me. This is my job and I love to help in any way that I can. Your child will be out shortly.”

When I was walking back to the room, I decided to pick up a doughnut from the main office to give to the child. It was ordered to celebrate the company’s 50th anniversary. I looked inside the box and decided to bring both a chocolate doughnut and a glazed one and see if the child liked one or the other. When I walked in, I saw that the kid was laying down, facing away from me.

I set the doughnuts on the counter and softly closed the door behind me. Walking up to them, I shook them softly. They sat up and rubbed their eyes. They looked at me confused.

“Hey, I’m sorry I kept you waiting for so long. I had to talk to your dad. But-” I wiggled my eyebrows, “-I have doughnuts for you!” Once I brought it to the child, their eyes lit up. Some part of me felt bad because it was 8:30 at night and I was feeding this child sugar but I didn’t really know another way for them to trust me.

This particular family came in at least twice a week for the same shot and the child has never fully trusted me right off the bat. The family can only come during the night because the child has a severe sun allergy. Being a child and not being able to play with your friends during the day or having to live your life in darkness must be tough.

My colleagues and I didn’t really know how to solve this problem when the child initially came in because it was unlike anything we had heard of before. Eventually, some scientists in a neighboring hospital found out something that may reduce how deadly sun is to her over repeated doses. We had warned the father that we were not sure about the doses actually working but he was desperate.

“Eat the doughnut with your left hand, okay? It’ll be over before you know it.” I grabbed the TV remote and turned the TV on. “Look, your favorite show is on!” I pointed and they were immediately immersed. Thank you to whoever invented TV.

I started prepping the shot by drawing out the liquid with a syringe and then using an alcohol swab to clean their arm. I decided not to give them a warning because they were already so absorbed in the show and eating contentedly. I quickly stuck it in and all the child did was wince and continue with what they were doing.

“Hey! Your appointment is over! You’re all set to go!” They turned to face me, shocked. I laughed and opened the door. The child quickly passed me and ran straight into their father’s arms when they entered the lobby. The father nodded towards me and I waved goodbye.

As soon as they were gone and out of sight, I walked to the staff break room and since there was no one there, I slunk down to the ground with my head in my hands. My head was spinning and my dark thoughts started to come back. How many kids will I have to help to make up for what happened? How long will I feel like this?

It was a rainy day and my ex-husband, my daughter Joy, and I were all out on a car ride. Joy was only five years old at the time. One thing we all shared in common was our love and appreciation for the rain. So whenever it rained, we all piled into the car and drove to a nice coffee shop a town over. It was a short ride, only about thirty minutes.

There were few cars on the road and this particular time I was driving because my ex-husband was tired and even though I was tired too, I decided to drive. As long as I made my way to the coffee shop safely, I’d get coffee and I wouldn’t be tired anymore. Everything was going well until about halfway through the drive, when my ex-husband was asleep and so was Joy.

I could feel my eyelids growing heavy and I was switching back and forth between being awake and not. I knew it was dangerous but I continued to drive, telling myself that it wasn’t that far away and that I could make it to the coffee shop. Or so I thought. Soon after I had that thought, I had closed my eyes for about three seconds and had unknowingly drifted into the opposite lane. By the time I opened my eyes, it was too late. A semi-truck was barreling our way, honking their horn repeatedly. The last thing I remember before the truck collided with our car was Joy saying, “Mommy! Please don’t crash into the truck! I don’t wanna die!”

As her voice echoed in my head once again, I screamed, pulling at my hair. Tears started rolling down my cheeks and my breathing started to pick up. A panic attack was starting and I forgot my pills. It didn’t help that her voice kept repeating in my head over and over again.

“STOP! PLEASE STOP!” I cried out as I was beginning to black out because of feeling as though I couldn’t breathe. Right as I was about to pass out, my co-worker Evan came bursting through the door.

He scooped me up in his arms and was looking at me all panicked. “Hailey! Hailey! It’s okay, it’s okay. Please try to breathe slowly. In and out, in and out. You can do this.” I focused on his voice, his words, to drown my daughter out of my head and followed his instructions. He pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay. It’s okay. You did well. It’s not your fault.”

After about ten minutes of him holding me and consoling me, I dried my tears and slowly got up. That mental breakdown took a lot from me and now all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. I got up and exited the room and headed for the bus stop. This is a pretty regular occurrence and Evan is always there for me. He doesn’t stop me when I try to leave because he knows I don’t like to talk about it. He was the first one to see me going through the breakdown when I returned to work shortly after the accident.

I told him what happened and he provided me with the same support as he did just now. To let him know when I started to have an attack again, he got me a Fitbit looking thing that linked to his phone and if it surpassed a certain heart rate while we were at work, he’d know to come look for me. He’s done so much for me and helped me calm down so many times that I don’t know what I’d do without him.

After an hour-long bus ride, I finally arrived at my stop. I started walking the block to my house when I realized that someone was standing outside of my door. I approached cautiously and then sighed when I saw who it was. My ex was standing outside my door, waiting for me to come home. This couldn’t be a good thing. Whenever he comes looking for me, it’s to start some fight about something.

I’m too tired to deal with this. If I just walk around him and get into my house pretending not to hear or see him, I should be just fine. However, if he tries to touch me, I will call the police. Before I reached the door, I put on headphones just to play up not hearing him a little but with no music so that I could tell what he was doing. When I reached the door, he stepped aside for me but I didn’t acknowledge him. I hurriedly got my keys out of my purse but I was shaking so much that I dropped them.

I was just about to grab them when a hand shot out before me and handed them over. I smiled and then put the key in the door. I was opening when I heard him say from behind me:

“I still hear her voice in my head too, you know?” I stopped in my tracks with my door still open. His voice sounded so….lifeless. In all the years that I have known him, he has never sounded like this. But why do I care how he feels? He started arguments all the time before and now he wants to act like this? It must be another pity trap and I am NOT falling for it. I slowly turned around to face him.

“And why do you think I care?” I said in an icy voice and before I slammed the door in his face, I saw his face fall and tears slide down his cheeks. I slid down my door and clutched my chest. Why does seeing that still hurt me? I started to sob. I started laughing darkly to myself. Having a mental breakdown two times in a day? Quite a record even for me.

“I don’t understand why you insist on fighting this alone when it isn’t your fault. I should’ve drove that day. I knew you were more tired than me. Please, we could fight this together.” He began to beg me.

“SHUT UP!” I screamed and put my hands over my ears. But just like in his fashion, he didn’t shut up.

“Come on! You know you’re better off with me anyways so why are you fighting it?”

I started crawling away from the door to get farther away from his voice. That was a mistake because I didn’t lock the door and it easily pushed open and he took it as me inviting him in. I continued to crawl away from him and I tried to stand up to run but my legs wouldn’t let me. He stooped down and tried to touch my shoulder.

“Don’t touch me.” I spat out and all he did was laugh. I didn’t know he would turn this evil within the span of three months. I hated him more than I ever have.

“What do you mean? You’re the one that invited me in.” He started stroking my hair and I flinched. “I know you’re tired, it’s okay, go to sleep. I’ll be here with you.”

Unfortunately for me, he was right. I was tired. However, I did not invite him in. I was trying to get AWAY from him. I was fighting a battle I would lose at this point. I had no strength left in my body. I fully collapsed on the ground. It was then that I heard someone else entering the house. Whoever it was marched straight over to my ex, punched him, dragged him outside, slammed the door, and locked it.

They then came over to me. I could now see that it was Evan and he looked worried. He wrapped me in his arms and before I passed out I heard him say,

“He will never hurt you again. I will stay by your side forever…”

“Because I love you.”