Chapter 11

2016.04.09

Exams were over I came in 12th. Bad! Today was Amy's birthday. I bought her a gift. I wanted to give it to her. But deep down my gut was refusing. Maybe later, later I will give it to her. I only wished her. My birthday is day after tomorrow, 11th. Another team mate's 13th and Masha's 15th. They were celebrating all of their birthdays today. I was sitting in the middle. They came towards me and started opening up their presents. They were talking in loud dialogues. They wanted to provoke me, make me jealous, make me feel that I lost friends, make me feel small and make me feel hurt. They only succeeded in hurting me. I remembered our last birthday. We got Amy a lot of presents. We even pranked her with a red inked sanitary pad. Yes, we girls do such stuff. They made a surprise party for me in the next day. But I already knew it and spoiled it. I rejected the gifts. I said I didn't need them. I made them take it back to home. Amy bought me a 3D flower frame and said that her mom told to give it to me. Her mom said to give it to me. Others didn't bring anything. Masha bought 4 ornaments. From her home showcase. She wasn't even bothered to dust it off. It was filthy. Maybe it was my fault to expect much? I have given gifts for others except for Masha maybe. So I deserved getting filthy ornaments. I took home the 'Gifts'.

Many people even in my past have asked me to get them presents. Some asked in a row. In the end I bought them. I bought treat for everyone on my birthday till I was in 8th grade. Birthday cake and at least 500g of sweet packs with foreign sweets. I just never got anything on return. I gave my classmates birthday cards on their birthday wishing they would be buying me one. I didn't even get a 'Happy Birthday' because they don't even know my birthday. I stopped from my 8th grade because I felt stupid. I felt stupid treating them. I felt stupid getting them something I was expecting. I felt stupid with excuses. I felt stupid to celebrate my birthday like no one. I felt stupid to steal from my parents and give to somebody who never appreciated at least once. At least once. I felt stupid that why my mom didn't stop me. She never complained when I bought birthday presents and never got any. There was a group in my present school. They always bought books for their friends on their birthday. I gave them money so they can buy a book for their friend or sometimes I bought a card and celebrated their birthdays. There were 7 of them. And one of them had my Engel's birthday. I gave her birthday cards for 4 years in a row. On fifth year my mom asked for first time, "Are you sure?" I wished she would have asked me sooner. A little bit sooner. That group never bought me anything not even a 'Happy birthday Anna!' I felt pathetic and stupid. On the end of last year on of the girl in that group called me and said "I never gave you a birthday present. I feel bad. I will get you one when the school starts." I was thrilled. I wanted to know what book I was getting. In January I got the gift wrapped in a wrapper. It was a diary and a dollar pen. A diary from a company. A company diary that was given for free. I should be happy right? At least she thought of me and got me a gift. She was feeling guilty not to get me something. You know I am grateful to have a family like mine. I am the luckiest. I get grand gifts on my birthday. Last year I got two dresses, eyeshadow palette, birthday card and a birthday cake. It was always the best. They read me well. Knows what I want, knows what I love.

My friends continued to show off and unwrap in a slow-mo. I never turned my head. I was doing my home-work. I never showed that I was upset. I was talking and laughing with some of my classmates. Rihanna saw all of the drama. She pulled me to a corner and asked me "Are you okay?" "Never better. Even gifts can't make them happy, because their happiness is me. If I am hurt, that is the gift. And I am never giving them that. Never!" She smiled and high fived. Only me knew how broken I was that day.

2016.04.11

Today was Saturday and also my birthday. I went to my math class as usual but with my birthday dress on. I was so excited to show it to my friend, the 'just' friend. She didn't come neither my classmates. Because it was raining in the morning. They have slept in. She didn't even send me a 'Happy Birthday'. I was tired during the math class. Samuel was watching me. He was a bit worried looking at me. It made me happy a little bit. It isn't bad. Just a little people around. It was raining, it was my birthday and he was watching me with no one to stare and judge. I got a present.

I was tired. Drained out. I stopped by a small shabby shop. It rained heavily. I messaged my mom saying I will come in a little due to the heavy rain and shared my location. I sat on a chair, by the counter. "The rain is bad isn't it?" The middle-aged lady behind the counter started a conversation. "Yes. I have to stay a while till the rain ceases a bit." I replied with a sigh. "Want something to drink?" "Have something for a lost girl" She smiled and handed me a crimson-bull. "They say it gives you wings." I smiled. She was adorable. "That is a very nice dress dear. I wore the same when I was young." I thought she was bluffing until she showed a photograph. Our dresses looked similar, my dress looked slightly modern though. "You are pretty. And now adorable." "You are a nice kid. You should smile a lot more. You have the prettiest smile." "I just can't aunty. I am getting hurt by my friends a lot. Maybe it is me, I am not a good friend." "Are you sure? You worry if you are not a god friend, which shows you care about them. It is they haven't understood you or doesn't want to. At this age you will run behind friends. Later you will find out that family is more important." "I treasure my family. You there are times you want run away." "Stay away from these friends of yours. They are no good." "You haven't met them. They are not bad just, just messes." "You are a different girl. Matured and thoughtful." "Is that a compliment?" "Yes, be careful with the secrets you tell others. Off you go before the rain pours heavily again." "Thank you for the wings." I paid for the drink and left. I don't want the middle-aged lady be right.

2016.05.02

The results came in for the state level Science Day Competitions. I got second place in Software competition, First place in Nature Diary and are you ready for it? First Place in POETRY. All the classmates who participated in poetry didn't get any places. Honestly even I was shocked. Others won in essay, oratory and art. I was happy and I flexed in front of my ex-friends. I didn't want to but when madam said that Kate has won first in oratory, all of them were cheering and clapping really hard as if she won the international level competitions. After my name was announced with all my wins. Only Masha, Kate, Amy, Rihanna and some of my classmates clapped. Lily was making horrible faces when her name wasn't announced.

Our English teacher came in and asked about the competition. If anyone had won in poetry. They said only I have won and I got first place. She congratulated me but she wasn't that happy. She kept asking the poets why they didn't win. It is true that their poems are on another level. But they didn't win, even I was myself shocked when I won. Even some of them had won 1st and 3rd prizes worldwide for some of their previous poems. I learnt something from my prize in poetry, which we shouldn't give up on ourselves and look down on others. There are times that they will shine better than you. You know something that got me in the poetry? It is because I never used complicated words. I simply wrote in day to day simple English, I only knew that much back then. And the ones who gave prizes for these are also that fluent in English. Ta-Da!

2016.07.03

Time flew like crazy. I started talking with Kate a little bit. And only head nods with Masha and others no conversation at all. We sat in the auditorium as in the first term. I didn't study this time either. There was a fight in my home just yesterday. It is going in a playback mode in my head. I don't know exact reason why there was loud quarrel in the living room but it seemed as if there was a problem in the shop. My dad partnered with his brother in doing the shop. The fight at home was between my mom, dad, his brother and his wife. All three of them were scolding uncle. I should focus on the paper. "What was the 3 rules…?" I looked up at the stage. I saw Samuel's mother. She was watching me. I was looking back and not wavering by her sight. Then she turned towards my team of friends. We will call them Ex-team. Because I do not feel like in the team anymore. I looked for a minute and went back to write answers. I finished half way. Kate was making paper rockets and Amy was scribbling on paper. Seemed like they had finished. I watched Samuel's mother coming down the stairs. She walked in between two columns of our class. She kept asking the girls if they had finished, 'was it easy?' and made small conversations. She was approaching my table. I quickly read the next question and knew the answer. I was waiting till she approaches my table to write the answer. I did not want to make any sort of talks with her or even answer her question. I have not anything wrong. I just wanted to avoid her. It was a gut feeling that I should not make a conversation with her. She came near my table and stood. I pretended to read the question and took 30 seconds time and wrote my answer. She was still standing. She was standing here for about 3 minutes now. I shook my pen ghastly and looked up at her. Before I took a look at her. She left my table. I was in relief and was able to concentrate on my paper. The paper was not that hard but it was quite okay.

It was interval before the Multiple Choice Question. Which was an hour away. I sat with my classmates rather than my team. They asked me to join but I refused gently. I was never gentle but today I was gentle. The classmates I sat with know about Samuel and started teasing me saying that your mother-in-law is annoying. I teased back saying "We are pretending because if the school knew it will a problem. You didn't see right that she slipped me an answer chit?" We laughed and talked about other normal things. And just before they handed over the second paper I went to Rihanna to say 'All the Best'. And she hinted saying "Isn't your mother-in-law crossing the line?" "I know man, Troublesome." She smiled and said 'Good Luck'.

Science exam was finally over. I and my team were laughing at the drawing made by Amy and played with the paper rockets that Kate made before the school was over. She was watching and came towards and patted Kate and looked at me and left. She was fond of Kate and the Poets in my class. She was okay with me during last years. Now something was off. I sometimes greeted and she occasionally chooses not to reply. She sometimes simply ignores my existence and gives me the cold shoulder. For what? I got no idea. I am confused as you are.

2016.07.05

Today was Geography. It is one of my favorite subject and I always score the highest. I was writing and marking maps. I took a break after writing all the answers I knew and was reading the questions that I had doubt on and was trying to remember. I looked at the ceiling and then at Mrs. Beth. Samuel's mother came and sat next to her. She looked at us and was pointing people out and telling about them. I knew I was in next. I watched her without answering my paper. She pointed at Kate and said something. And I knew it was me next. She saw I was watching and then she raised the register up and covered her face and Mrs. Beth and said something. I turned to look at my class and all of their eyes were not on the paper. It was on Mrs. Beth and Samuel's mother. I was not only one who was watching it was the whole class. Whole hall was watching the scene. Other classes were watching us. I frowned at what she was doing. Is she that dumb? There was an unknown shiver running down my spine. Something was off. This was not right. It felt like there is going to be trouble. I should not care. Because I have not done any wrong. Finally she put down the register. Mrs. Beth's face was not doing well. She was mad. She was disappointed. I looked straight at Samuel's mother. I knew she told something about me. I gave her a poker face saying that I do no give a shit what you think and say of me. She quickly turned away from my gaze. Guilt was raising in her. I felt the gazes she was receiving from the back. The whole class was watching her in anger, confusion and disgust. In a minute she stood up and left the stage.

In interval my team (ex-team) gathered. "Were you watching Mrs. Samantha?" asked Kate. Mrs. Samantha is Samuel's mother. We all agreed. "The whole class was watching. I turned my head to see if others were watching and they were." I replied in detail. "What do you think she was saying?" Amy asked in curiosity. They looked at me. They all knew that Samuel liked me and I only told Kate that I kind of liked him, but by now all of them knew. Even Samuel. "Crazy? As if we are dating. He just have a crush on me that is all. And we have never talked to each other. If this is the reason. She is bonkers." and I crossed my hands. I was offended without even knowing what she told to Mrs. Beth. "But she was looking at you the most." Masha added to the fire of curiosity and also to my flames of disgust. I suddenly started to hate him. I was angry at Samuel. As if he had done something wrong. To your notes I already stopped having crush on him after I stopped talking with my team mates about him. "I did nothing wrong. And she not only pointed at me, also at Kate. And some others in the class." "Yeah." Kate agreed and said "I do not know if I did something wrong?" When all left. Kate came to me said "I am going to ask Samuel." "Be careful. You know that Mrs. Samantha is in the discipline council, things might go in wrong path." She nodded and left. Others in the team will know what she talked with Samuel before I get to know.

Some of my classmates asked me too why Mrs. Samantha was watching? I explained that I am confused as they were and left. I am came across Rihanna. "You saw Samantha was pointing some of the girls in our class, including you." "Yeah that Samantha is crazy. Mrs. Beth was not happy afterwards. She ruined her day." When I am with Rihanna I call the teachers in informal way except for the others that I really respect. "Don't know if it was regarding Samuel. She just reacts and even her daughter was in a relationship and she not happy." I drank from my bottle while sitting on the table. "I am not her daughter. And I did not ask her son to love me." "Hope it is not you." "Yeah. If not she will go around the school telling about her innocent son." "To be honest that he is not that handsome either. You look way too good for him." I smiled. She knew how to make people safe and make them ignore the problems.

I walked out of the school alone after cleaning our side in the auditorium. Tomorrow was my duty to clean. It is better to sweep, so you don't need to take trash to home. I walked down the stairs. I saw Samantha she was gossiping with some teacher on the path. She saw me and quickly said something. That teacher turned back and looked. It was definitely was about me. It was so obvious. I got rid of the thought of greeting. Instead I put my one hand in the pocket and slid the bag to one shoulder and walked in posh. The other teacher was shocked. I should have added a wink, she would have been in cardiac arrest. To be honest I enjoyed all the attention. I am going to be popular.