Chapter 17

2016.08.26

There was no one in the playground. Just for the wind and falling leaves. My throat started to become sore with the things madam had told me. That is why Masha's parents were frowning when I met and turned away their heads when I greeted them. I did not know that Masha was dating at least and how am I supposed to know who the guy is? How can she can just push me off the cliff? After all the things I have done for her. I even went to visit her when she met with an accident. Stayed loyal during the band chaos. Maybe the fight that broke our team in the first place was Masha. What does she even achieve through this? I am grateful that I have Ms. Beth. She believes me. I took my knees towards my chest and watched the dust going along with the wind. So Kate was not only the one who was in a relationship. They talked in the corridors and staircase was not only about Kate's relationship. They do not want to share their secrets if they do not want to but at least they should not make it obvious and put blame on me. I did not know anything. Why cannot they trust me? Am I that bad and disgusting? A little girl came towards me with a cola bottle. "Sister, Can you open this for me?" She handed the bottle with a cute smile. I put down my legs and took the bottle off her friends to open the bottle. Once I opened the bottle and handed it to her, she called her friends and they brought their water bottles and another cola. I opened the second bottle and watched them pour cola for each other in their water bottles. They offered me a drink. "Thanks baby. I am not thirsty. Go and enjoy the drinks." They waved and left. They were holding hands in a row and sang a rhyme. Will they be like this even when they grow up?

The bell rang, it was English now. I could not move myself. My system was crashing. I did not know how to face anyone in the class. I did not do any fault. I wanted a break from all this sh*t. After five minutes I dragged myself to the class. I washed my hands on the way to get an excuse.

"Where have you been?" my English teacher shot a question as soon as I excused in to the class. I showed my hands and replied "Washroom. It was crowded." "You all did not go to the toilet together today girls?" Back then we use to cut the English subject for ten minutes staying in the washroom and having fun. We used to spray water over the door at the friend who is in the toilet. It was fun times. And our English teacher called us 'Toilet Girls' and it was no longer funny. It was insulting. My ex-friends smiled at the question from the teacher. Kate replied hastily with a smile "Not toady madam." I wanted that smile to go. "No madam we will never go again. Why would you go when you are not friends?" The smiles went and the whole atmosphere became awkward. Only my smile remained. I grabbed my seat and sat and opened my book. I looked at the English teacher in the eye and exchanged a smile relaxing my back on the chair. She quickly changed the attention towards her and started the lesson. My English Teacher does not value me and this was the first time I have been savage. I should control my temper I kept telling myself. I should not disappoint Mrs. Beth.

2016.08.27

"Whose is this bag of dirt?" Mrs. Beth started to boil. "Madam, it has been there for days and it is Kate's and (banner fighter ex-friend)." Madam did not question them if it was true or not. She told them in a mad tone to pick them up and asked if they litter at home as this? I did not know it was theirs. It was a class mate who complained about it when I asked them to clean it up quick before Mrs. Beth comes. They looked me in the eye. I exchanged a poker face. I did not smirk but deep within there was a party with intoxicants.

Amy talked to me. "Anna?" "Yeah why?" "Madam gave these Geography projects and told to enter the marks in the record book and the project marks sheet." "Hmm. Keep it here, I will add them tomorrow." I did not look at her and I talked in a way that she was a stranger. I tried to sympathize with her. There was no complaints from her but then again I knew that she knew that they dated. She was pretending to not to know and even lied that they do not share what they are talking with her. Does she think that I believe her? I let go because she was being torn between us. I watched her steps walking away from me and towards them.

I shook away the thought of wanting revenge. Because that is no m. I believed in Karma. And I waited for it patiently. I focused on studies and kept my temper on check. I always monitored my actions. I calculated all my steps. Lily was showing her bad drama skills as usual and everyone lost interest but for some of her friends who think that I am the one who is torturing her. I never know I possessed such power until I met Lily.

I was spending lonely all my days. I made a lot of conversations with my classmates who I have never talked to and they never existed until now. I did not know that I was blind for all these days and months.

2016.08.28

I woke up for the noise of cawing. There was a fight between a sparrow and a crow. It was misty I could not see properly. I went to the balcony and shooed the crow away. The sparrow shot itself through the balcony door. The crow cawed really loud and flew away. I closed the balcony door behind me and searched for the injured sparrow. He was by the bed. I picked him up to see if there was any injuries and there was no injuries outside. I slowly placed him on my lap and fed water with a cotton swab in drops. He drank them and rested on my lap while watching me in the eye. I was thrilled to have a pet. I smiled back and told him to get a rest. He closed his eyes and went cold. He died. I think he was injured internally. I showed the bird to mother and wrapped the sparrow with white serviette strips. I made a small grave near a flower bed and buried him and gave a good bye.

I packed my bag and left for the tuition math class. I wore full black with a pocket watch poking out of my long coat. I tied my hair in a ponytail for the first time. My hair is always in a bun or braided for school and folded to make it short. Today I wore my hair in a high ponytail and let my hair go beyond my hip.

My hair bounced behind me when I walked in. Everyone was amazed by my looks. It was new. Samuel smiled my way. I ignored as usual. Some of my classmates complimented on my looks while my friend said to me that having fair skin is the epitome of beauty indirectly and fantasized that she was prettier and irresistible. My Foot! I pretended to be her friend from the time she said that I was JUST friend to Kate. My Math sir came in and saw with me with a brow lift. He loves to make fun of people. While we were solving problems, he asked me to answer a question. I answered it accurately and he was pleased with and asked an answer for another question. A girl from behind raised her hand to get sir's attention. He saw and went up to her to clarify her doubt. On the way he came up to me and said "Back in days we also had pocket watches." and pointed at my pocket watch chain. I did not know if he was mocking or complimenting. I said "I know, thank you." and took it as a compliment.

The news spread really fast of my new look. After the class was over. I walked down the stairs to get back home. I saw new faces standing outside just to get a look at me. Nope, I am not boasting. They were in packs and talked as soon as came in the picture. It was so obvious, that some of my classmates frowned at me for all the attention and my childhood friend nudged and said "Seems like you became famous just now." and she left as soon she saw a bus that runs to her hometown.

I hanged one strip of my bag to a shoulder and let the other strap free. And went home ignoring all the eyes. Four boys followed me to until I looked back and gave a look at them.

2016.08.29

It was Sunday. Which means science class. I got ready as old days and went to class with a bun. My fan boy was like "No ponytail?" I ignored him and went on with my studies.

Later we went to my uncle's place. He was home from hospital. He had a heart attack. He had a habit of smoking and he was divorced. He does not have children nor was he interested in getting married. I helped mother to clean the house. The house smelled of smoke and cigarettes. I opened the curtains to let out the gloomy from the house. There was a pile of cigarette buds and dozens of lighters. I picked two lighters and slipped in to my pockets and started cleaning.

It was five-thirty in the afternoon when we arrived home I was exhausted after all the work and I had no trouble in falling asleep. My little brother climbed on me and joined me to snooze out. I woke up to a sound of thunder. My little brother was drooling on my t-shirt. I lifted him off me and placed him in my mother's room and changed my t-shirt to a pajama or you can call it pyjama. It was raining really heavily. The trees were moving to the winds, back and forth. I wrapped myself with the blanket and naturally thoughts of what Mrs. Beth told me came to my mind. The words were replaying in a loop. I wanted to tell my mom about what Mrs. Beth had told me but I was not ready to because she was already going through a lot. She was drenching out of energy these days and she would not even tell me what is bothering her. It is not healthy to carry everything on your own to be honest. It will start eating you up. And you are never alone. There is always someone by your side even though you fail to recognize them.

"Anna!" my mother called me out from the ground level and I was in the 3rd story. "Yeah mom?" "Can you change the bed sheets and the pillow cases? Get new ones from the laundry room." "Yeah sure. I replied back." I went to the laundry room to dump the used bed sheets and pillow cases to get new ones. On the way I saw Engel and little bro cuddled together sleeping. I watched them in awe. The lights went off. I called my mom out if she was doing okay. She had her phone with her and she had switched her flash on. I placed the laundry on the floor and went to the store room in the dark to get candles and match box. I made my way out with the silhouettes in the dark. I grabbed one candle out first and lit it. Grabbed more candles and went to my mother's room where my siblings were sleeping peacefully. I lit a few candles and placed a bit far away from the bed to avoid the candles tripping.

I took the rest to the kitchen and lit a few and also around the house. I dumped the dirty laundry and took new ones finally and headed to each room and changed them. Finally I came to my room to dress up my naked bed. I placed a candle on the floor and on the table. I started with my bed and then went to my pillow cases last. I put the pillow case to one pillow and took the other. I turned it. There was a list of names handwritten with black ink. There was 13 names including mine. I watched it under the flickering flame from the candle. I placed the pillow that was in a case on the bed. I placed the pillow that had our names on it on the floor. It was one and half years ago that I wrote the names. I pulled out a scissor from the drawer and cut out my name. I wanted to cut out Amy's name but hesitated and finally left it with the other names. From the hole where my name was there was already drenched with ink. The places were the name was written there was ink on the cotton. My shadow flickered. There was a slight wind peeping through the window slits and waving the flame. I watched the flame from the candle to the pillow and back and forth. I picked up the candle that was close by me on the floor. Hot wax dripped on my hand and in an instant it became cold. I did not feel any pain when the hot wax hit my hand. Then the hot wax dripped on the pillow and gave out a hiss. I felt pleasure hearing the hiss. I could not stand the names on my pillow. I tilted the candle towards the pillow. The pillow gave out lot of hisses and in a second it began flaming. The room was now well lit. My shadow became huge. The flames reached to height of five to six inches o height. I sat there silently watching the flames.

Engel screeched behind me and called out my mother. She has woken up. I quickly grabbed the water bottle off from the desk and poured out the water. The flames died. The pillow was burnt. No names were to be seen. I grabbed the scissors and the piece were my name was on and put it in to my drawer. My mother came in terrified. She yelled at me for not being careful. "What happened?" "The candle fell when I was changing the covers. It was a mistake." "You should be CAREFUL!" Her voice was full of rage. My wrist was slightly burnt. She took me in to the kitchen and applied ointment. The lights came back on. Like how my life lit back when I stopped being friends with them.

"You burnt it on purpose. Did you not?" Engel asked me while sitting down next to me and checked if my mother was out of sight. "No." I said bluntly but I could tell that she can see me through. I am not going to tell mom. I called her in because you were too close to the fire and clearly you were lost in your thoughts." She said without a break as if she protested to breathe. I let out a sigh and relaxed on the couch looking at the ceiling. "I sit your friends? You never talk about them to us anymore. Nor they call in and that was the pillow with their names on it. Wait did you burn your name too?" She asked me almost climbing on me. "No. I cut out my name and out it in to the drawer." I replied still watching the ceiling. "That is a relief." She sat back down. "Going to fill me in on what happened?" I was silent for whole good two minutes. "Waiting." She was giving out puppy eyes. I filled her in what happened. Her face expression was changing as if she was an anime character. I loved her expressions, it put me in a good mood. "We shall burn them. F**k You B*****s." He raised her hands and stood on the coffee table. "Words Engel but they deserve it. Forgiving only this time." "It is nice to see you smile after 2 days." She had keeping my behavior on count. She will be spilling the beans to mother. But I was okay with it. "It is still eight thirty. Will watch an hour cartoon." She sprint and went to get the pen drive. You know what I am not alone. I have my family.