Chapter 16

2016.08.25

Mrs. Beth came in with handful of books. It was our projects that we had been doing this whole year and the last. We have to make up a report on the projects that we have made and submit them before our national exam to the education department. We all checked if we had finished our projects. I had done them all. I usually finish my projects on time even if the project is dead ugly. Some of my classmates asked me to add them in their names in our group project because they had been absent or their group has not done the project. I added their names without any hesitation. I marked everyone's name and called out names of who have not done their projects. "I did do the project and handed them over." One of my classmate said when I called her name out. "You did? I do not know why your name is not mentioned here. Do you remember your marks at least?" I asked her. She replied with a "No. I did not receive the project after I handed over." "I will mark your name as given. Can you check the cupboard? Sometimes it might be there." She nodded and went towards the cupboard to save her project. I kept calling out names and some complained and told them to check the cupboard. Some projects were in the cupboard and some were not. I turned to Mrs. Beth, "Madam?" "Yes dear" She replied with a hand stretched out to get the file from me. "Madam, some projects you have out corrected them and some projects are missing. They said they had handed it over to you." she checked the sheet and opened her purse and pulled out a key and handed it to me. "Go upstairs and check my cupboard. It might be there." I nodded to her instructions and left the classroom. I could hear her calling out the students who have not finished the projects.

I climbed the stairs and met my Geography teacher on the way. She placed her hand on my arm and talked "Dear, Is our projects over?" The whole grade 11 classes' subject teachers and classroom teachers are in hurry to complete them, because you have to send out the project marks to get the admission forms for the national exam. "I think we have only one left madam." I replied confidently. I always marked the things that we have done so I am not lost with the work. "Is there something we can do to complete?" She asked for my suggestion. She is a nice teacher, innocent and humble although she is not very fluent in English. She will always hold a place in my heart. "How about marking places in the world map and country map and naming the keys in a given map?" We failed to mark the places in the mid-term and mock test so I thought this would be a practice. Then let it be. I will send the places that should be marked in the last period through a student, please do it as homework and hand it over to me before interval and you can complete the project sheet." "Okay madam. I will let others know." I greeted bye and left to the Mrs. Beth cupboard in search of the projects.

I bought the projects that was there and handed them over. Mrs. Beth included the marks. Amy came towards me. "Anna?" I looked at her in a poker face. I talk to her and even greet her but I often gave her a cold shoulder. Because she literally was choosing them over me and it is her choice I cannot be selfish. But deep within me I wished that she chose me. "Why?" I replied and looked away and showed that I am busy with filling the mark sheet. "Can you add our names in your group project?" "Who is 'our'?" I did not look up. She said in a small voice, "You know us; me, Kate, Masha and (the banner culprit)" "Ask madam." I replied without even considering. I added others name without asking madam but I told her to ask madam. Amy was not happy and said what I told to them and they got even madder. They asked the nerd group and they said 'okay'. I entered their 'new group' marks and handed over to madam.

I could feel Mrs. Beth's eyes on me although she was not looking at me. There was a warm feeling radiating off from her. I loved how it felt. It felt that I was not alone, that someone cared for me in this messed up place. It felt there is still hope. Hope for a no body like me.

2016.08.26

It was 3.00 in the morning. I was completing the Geography project work. I completed within an hour and packed my school bag with today's time table and extra maps in case my classmates had forgotten to do the homework and I want to make sure that we hand over it today. I went back to sleep for an hour.

I had breakfast. Engel was talking about her dream within mouthful of cereal. "Eat up first before you talk Engel." I told her before I put a spoonful of cereal myself. But she kept talking with her mouthful. I went to school just 5 minutes before the school bell. Even though I am near to school I have been late to school and was punished.

The bell rang and as always Mrs. Beth came to the class checked the bin and saw if we had cleaned the class. And if not the students who had duty on that day gets scolded heavily. I completed the record book and showed Mrs. Beth. She was today radiating a different sort of energy. She was mad and sorry at the same time. She usually hides her feelings but it was out displayed today. Just three minutes before the period was over she said this, "If anyone wants to talk about something personal or want to discuss something is bothering you please come to me. You are free to talk with me." I felt uncomfortable. As if she was addressing me without addressing me directly. Like she knew something was going on with me. But I was certain there was other things happening around me. Others had their problems too. Did she have any other motive? I looked her in the eye and she just avoided me. Perhaps it was not for me. I wanted to be the first person to talk to he about the issues I had before others did. Pathetic me. I wanted sympathy. I wanted to feel a warmth from someone in the school. I wanted to be pitied. I felt pathetic right now. What am I even thinking of? I do not know what to talk about. I just wanted to talk. I do not know who to complain and what to complain. I thought making up something.

As soon as Mrs. Beth left the classroom. I wanted to follow her and talk to her. Then again I did not want others in my class to know that I am disturbed and wanted to talk. I quickly rushed to take out the Geography project and asked for others. They handed over and three of them have not done. They gave the same all day excuse 'Forgot'. I handed them the extra maps I had bought and told them to mark them and gave my project to copy. Before I left, my history teacher came in. I sighed and sat down. I looked out the window Mrs. Beth went in to the staff room.

As soon as the period was over I went to staff room to talk with Mrs. Beth. My Geography teacher was present as well in the staff room. I handed over the projects. And turned towards my class teacher. "Mrs. Beth, can I talk to you?" She looked away from her paper and looked at me. "Sure. Follow me." She took me to a place where none of my classmates will come. I looked at the ceiling and the classroom where there were other students studying. They were seniors that I have not even seen. "Anna. Do not worry dear, sit down. They would not listen to us." I sat at her command. Her voice was very comforting. I wanted to make up something. I do not know what to talk. "What is it that you want to talk Anna?" I came back to sane from the thoughts of reasons of wanting to talk to her. "Mrs. Beth, I feel uncomfortable in the classroom. (I hesitated to say this but I went with it.) I feel as if all are plotting out something against me. I feel trapped. I cannot breathe." I looked from the floor directly into her eyes. She was calm and collected. I was the opposite I was trembling, nervous did not know how to explain. "Mrs. Marinna mentioned me that you were different from before. Is someone bullying you?" Mrs. Marinna had talked about my frequent questions about bullying. I did not know if I should be mad at Mrs. Marinna or to thank her for siding with me. "She did? No one is bullying me madam. I feel lost. There is a lot of things happening around me. And I do not know anything about it." I was being bad at really telling what is wrong because I do not know what is wrong with me. "I know it is hard. I keep hearing about you. A lot of complaints." I gulped in. I dug my nails in to my skin. I did not know what I have done. "Madam? May I know what complaints?" I said in an apologetic tone. She continued, "Some of your classmates' complaint that you are rude and yell at them for everything." I was confused. "I do not remember doing it." She mentioned the classmates who complained about me. I really do not remember. I yell only when I am being annoyed. I have never swore or cursed at anyone. I never knew any curse or swear words. I knew them when I was 17+ years old. "I talked with Kate to know if it was true. (Kate never told me that madam had asked her) She denied that you have yelled that her and said that you sometimes yell at others." "I am sorry." "I know you are hot-tempered. But you have to keep it under control." "I will madam. Also at the time of the incident of Lily in the sports meet, her mother had gone to the Principal and said that I had slapped Lily. But the principal had refused to believe and said her to get out. From that day Lily have been talking behind my back. She is talking about me to other girls." "And also her mother have reported that you are bullying her." Mrs. Beth filled me in. I was shocked. "I did not!" The students turned at my voice. "Turn girls." Madam ordered them and they obeyed.

"I did not." I said again in a low voice, I almost whispered. "I know dear. I told the principal that you are not. I think you should know this too." She straightened up herself. I copied her action. "Masha got caught in a relationship by her parents. And she had said that you had got that boy's contact for her." I tilted by head in disbelief. She continued "Her parents were really madam and came to school" I remember seeing her parents in the principal's office. "They complained about you. And you have being a toxic to the students in the class." My throat started to ache. "I denied that you would have not done this. And later it was found out that it was not your fault." I was so shocked that I was did not ask Mrs. Beth how did they confirm that it was not me? "Thank you madam for believing in me." I replied after a while. "There is a lot of things about you building up in the school." I knew it was Mrs. Samantha. I could tell that from the look she gave when we came out from the staff room, she saw at her and told me to follow her. "I just want you to focus only on your studies. Nothing else. I will make sure that it would not get to you." A sudden gush of guilt flooded me. I wanted to leave quickly. "I will madam. Thank you madam for believing in me. I will not break your trust and I will keep my temper on check. Then I will take my leave." She nodded and gave me a smile.

I let go of my poker face once I left Mrs. Beth. She returned to the staff room. It was interval. I have to get food from canteen. I had left my money in the bag. I looked up at my class. I did not want to go there. I was having mixed feelings. I turned right. I headed to the playground.