Chapter 15

2016.08.24

I was by myself as usual. NO, I was not alone. I felt I was alone. I and my team never spoke from the banner incident. I know right, we are a never ending fight scenario. When we have fights, we used to tease each other. But when I am the one who is mad they do not dare to make fun of me or tease me. Because I am hot-tempered. I also do not tease no body but I would compete in some things.

The foreign teacher came to our school all the way from England. She was absolute gorgeous. We had already handed over the banners to Mrs. Marinna. We asked questions about how lifestyle is in England? We have only read in books and never had I ever visited. We asked about how the schools ran, did they were uniforms or was it just casual clothes and pretty much the things she said are different from books and movies. The books quite carry truths in it. I recently saw three high school movies and all were bullied victims. And I wanted to talk with her too. And all the questions were asked by others and I wanted her to notice me. "Anyone has questions?" The England teacher asked us. I raised my hand and she nodded in return for me to proceed with my question. "Madam, is bullying a common act in England?" "No, it is not dear." Mrs. Marinna cut in, "Is anyone bullying Anna? You keep asking about bullying quite often." The classroom was pin drop silent. They all were looking down at the floor, as if they were guilty or trying to avoid the situation and also it was as if I was the bully in the class. I was legitly awkward. I quickly cleared the misunderstanding, "No madam, I saw teen movies and most contained bullying as the main theme in it." The foreign teacher said, "Do not believe all that is present in movies. They are just movies and they are not the reality. And bullying do happen and we are trying hard to prevent it and we also have organizations and clubs for it." I smiled in return signaling 'thank you for your information.' And as usual 'Thank you' speech was given to the same people who were fluent in English and we never got chances unless they are top busy and there is no one at all. And that never happens. And they do not even space the spot light for us. Who would?

I am getting tired with being lonely. I talked with everyone and made conversations. Showed off that I was having a good time. Bought new stationary to the class. Asking for books to read from the nerd group. In general I was faking my happiness with no friends, with no companionship and I was okay. I do not know where I am headed to and what am I accomplishing. I could have stayed with Rihanna. She is a comfortable character but she was friends with the next door class students and they had a lot of fun. They were close and I did not want to barge in and invade their space. Sometimes they welcomed me and talked with me. Rihanna would have told them and they pitied me? They did like me but deep down I knew they should have their own time without me. I did not belong with them. I did not belong with my ex-team. I did not belong with the nerd groups. I did not belong with the weird group. I did not belong with my childhood friends. I just did not fit in to the class. Perhaps I was the odd one out? Has it not always have been that way? I was too blind to see it.

My house is relatively huge. It gets lonely. I and Engel have a 7 year gap and my brother and Engel has a 4 year gap. They quite get along even though they communicate mostly with body language. I do talk with Engel sometimes but she sees me rather an adult sister and not as a friend. And she goes out at evening to play with next door kids. I am socially awkward so I spend in at home.

It all began when I was just 7 years old. My mom was pregnant with Engel. Mother was not in good condition so she went to a hospital that was 80 kilometers away from our place. Mom and dad stayed in the hospital and I stayed in my Aunt's place. My Dad's Eldest sister. She has 5 children of her own and they are way older than me. Like the youngest child is 5 years older than me and the eldest is 12 years older than me. The eldest was married by the time I was 12 years old and so on. The cousin sister were the best. They took care of me a lot. They bathe me, fed me and there was a time when their sister-in-law said that they should not be refilling my pudding for the 3rd time. And I was a mere cousin sister. They refused to go along with their sister-in-law and offered me pudding 5 times. They adored and loved me, even after they got married and had kids. I could not play with them because they were older than me. So I played with my cousin sisters who are of my age, year or two younger and some a year or two older. Only to criticize me. Laugh at me. Talk behind at me. Not to play with me. They ignored when I talked. When I followed them like an idiot they would eventually will move to another place leaving me alone. This ran for years and is still running. I used to sit alone in the outdoor on a fence or a brick wall and watch the sky counting the stars. We usually go at night because my dad comes home at evening after his job. And when we go in the afternoon I would talk with the flowers and the insects that come to visit them. They would watch me and ridicule or when I come and sit with them they would talk stuff that I have no idea about. They simply made me an outcast. So, I always avoid going to family gatherings and to any relatives' house but not in my mother's side. My dad noticed my behavior and asked me why? And my mother had told the reason. My mother knew and also tried her best not to take me there. I know you might think that my mother should have been even more responsible but they are not the kids who is going to listen to you neither their parents. I never knew why they hated me, do not know why they would never play with me. I was not ugly, hot-tempered, nor I behaved rudely and nor did I smell. With time I knew it because I looked better than them. I was pretty that even my own cousins crushed on me. I studied well and I was from the town and they were from the country side. I did not differentiate them. They did. And I learnt it all from them.

With time I learnt to play with myself. I enjoyed it. It was peaceful and eventually I became an introvert, I hated talking to people I do not know. I maintained distance. Became hot-tempered because that was the only way to resent all the pain in me. And most were because it was the way I looked and the money my parents were flexing.