Chapter 58

2021.10.21

I am having fever and it is terrible. I have no strength and I was dizzy the whole day. I spent more than twelve hours on the bed resting. It is the only thing I was doing great these days. I was storming my brain on what to do actually. Everything was not going the way I planned. I even remember the fortune teller who said that I have a bright future ahead and I will succeed really well. I bet he lied all about it. I should have spent that money on some candy.

My eyes were a bit red. I was having high fever and my mother made me the herb water. Within two hours my fever ceased to bearable. Another five dresses sold out. Only forty three more left to be sold. And there is good news too. I applied a contract with one of the websites and I received four hundred US dollars as an advance. You know it was nice to have that feeling that I have a novel written under my name. I had finished the book by 30th of September because it was the deadline for the competition which was held in the first website I published my book. The competition was over and the result will be on the December. I have to wait for it until now. My mother asked if we should publish my book and I said no because I wanted to be sure if it deserved it.

2021.11.25

I got my application for the university entry. I was selected for the Radiography field. I was not happy nor sad about it. I was more like fine let us do this. I really wanted to be in the medical field. But then again I had not earned for it in my Advanced Level. The interview was on the next month. I really did not know what they will ask in the interview. I thought I should text Daniel because he was now doing his second semester and yes he went to the interview.

I texted Daniel about it and he was happy for me and he said that it was not a huge of a deal. He also mentioned that they will ask us to bring in some documents and they will barely ask anything except what we want to be and why I chose this stream. I chose Radiography because I had no other option what so ever because of my cut-off marks and inability to understand what I was learning and bad memory. The paper was hard. What were they thinking! That is absolutely not a reason. I felt like I was doomed.

2021.11.30

I sold out more dresses through a bridal dresser. May lord bless her and the buyer that bought it from her. I was hoping at least slowly all gets sold out. I was trying out new ways pf earning and nothing seems to work. It was mainly because of my father. He was big no, no! He does not like me going out and earning. Does not like if the place is far away from home or if I have to deal with male clients. It was literally exhausting. I know he wants to keep me safe but then again this was not a solution. It just only makes me want to break and run away and break all the rules. But I did not because for some reason I felt guilty to commit a crime against my parents.

"Are you sure Anna?" "I am mom. I am not ready to get married at all. I first to feel like I have achieved something in my life. At least in education or in career. I am nowhere." "But it was due to Covid." "No. It was not due to Covid. It was because I did not know what to do. I did not even get a minimum diploma to get an online job. Engel has one diploma and two more on the way. She is way more successful than me. It was dumb of me to only focus on the academic area and failed to get a diploma in the meantime. I am screwed!" I slapped my hands to face and hugged my knees. My mother watched me fall apart. It was true. She could not deny. Engel even agreed that they do ask for diplomas even if you are an absolute idiot. Engel was far ahead me. She was earning around four hundred US dollars per month and she is really nice she even gets me pizzas and bubble tea from time to time. I felt like I was being a leech. And she still denies and says that she is happy to spend for me. "At least Anna you are going to the university." "Hmmmm." But I was doing something I was not going to enjoy. It was that I did not know what I liked but I definitely knew what I hate.

2021.12.10

I got the letter from the university with what I should I bring for the interview and when is the interview held. The interview is held on February next year. I was happy about it and my parents called our relatives and told them. I especially told my father to call the relative who said that I cannot get to the university and who offered me to attend a Pakistan university where Sandra, school captain and Samuel were attending. My father would not let me travel to the next province let alone him send me to another country. And do not forget my best friend Sally, I told her the goody news and she was happy for me.

My mother said, "Do not get mad at me." This was new. I looked at her in alert and asked her what it is. "Do you mind we talk to the boy who came last time to our house to be your future husband?" I had never seen her talk in a dramatic dialogue. "Which?" I was confused. I did not know who she was referring to. She calmly sat down next to me and said, "Father's relative. The wealthy family." I sighed. I do not want to be related to that family what so ever. This family has a partnership in the previous shop my father worked at. "Are you crazy? I am not interested. And for heavens' sake not that family and not that village." I had no plan of getting married anytime soon. I know why parents were pushing me so hard. It was the relatives. My aged girls are searching for spouse and even one of them got married in the beginning of this year. And even during my cousin sister's wedding they were talking about my marriage.

2021.12.25

My parents let me off the hook for now because I was going to attend the university. My sister agreed to get married and we all knew that it will be chaos if my sister gets married before me. But then again we cannot wait for me and spoil her life for sake of me. My parents started to look for a suitable spouse but there was a problem. It was my sister's skin color.

I am slightly the milk chocolate color but I had the sharp features and the looks. But on my sister's side it became worse because of she had thyroid. She had a slightly darker complexion than me, oval face and because of the thyroid her eyes slightly popped out and she put on a little weight. Then gain it was no problem at all. She still looked pretty, had a good character, can cook, bake and also she earns really well. The issue was the guys' brains. Even before seeing my sister or even talking to her or even before seeing bio data the first thing they ask is she fair. If the answer was no, they reject her. Not only my sister but many other girls. And I tell you that the boys were no good to look at all.

As a result my parents sort of insulted her when she did non-pretty things and told her to act like a lady, speak before you think, stop playing with the kids, hang around the adults and get your skin faired up. She became stressed out. I stood there not knowing what to do. I was as hopeless as she was. Even sometimes my parents compared me to her. It hurt. I felt embarrassed of myself.

My sister started using these bleaching creams. They showed no result at all. They just worsened Engel's skin. I think she might had used more than fifteen brands by now just to become fair and her skin stood strong and rejected each and every one of them. Later she bought a Korean skincare cream. It was introduced by her artist in the group XO. She used it and her skin was smooth and glowing. I was jealous. But I did not buy. I just used home remedy. I was broke and did not want to ask my mother for money. It was hard for Engel and also my parents. Sometimes I even caught my mother crying just because none of the men liked her because of her complexion.