She (1): Realize

I stop asking the world why I'm what I think I am, a woman of complexities and complications. Then yesternight, he said the things I don't want to confirm to myself, afraid that every brick I piled up to build the walls around would crumble and I would feel everything. I fear the life to live, I live to just breathe and go along the flow of most people around me. He said I'm not living, I'm just breathing, and yes, I agreed. I know within me that I want to really live but what is inside my head, he tried to make sense, he tried to assess and give me words I don't want to hear but I want to accept and change. I fear love, I realized. I have been fearing it all my life. I have an anxiety and other mental issues I need to resolve, and he said, I just tell that to myself that's why I am. I hate to accept the thing called defeat of how I view myself, of how I built myself, but he was right, and he was wrong. Maybe, because, I am not really the human most people knows me or viewed me.

I stick to what I built because I'm really not good with promises, although, I tried, a lot of times.

I discriminate without even noticing it, he said. And I thought, maybe, or yes, I did. A lot of times. But feeling emotions I thought only happens in stories and movies, made me think within myself how much flaws I have. I hurt. I feel the pain within and I hated everything.

Then yet again, the emotions I lack, that he mentioned he tried on himself to feel, too, chased me, and I learnt from it. To try to understand why people do what they do, why people say what they say, or why they think the way they think. I misjudge some times, like most people do. I'm judgmental in ways. Not what most people define judgmental, being a bad behavior.

©️07.01.2018