Dark (2): Contemplating

I am trap in the maze of my own making

Watching isn't possible right now

There's nothing to watch, anyway, no more movies or series saved

Everything already watched and viewed

I turned to reading, trying to finish the third book I am able to travel with this month in the comfort of my room

I always get distracted by other thoughts

I turn on my internet connection

Nothing

Turned it off again and lied down

I am bored, I am tired, I am sad with everything around me

The somber feeling emanating from the whole country

The fear of contracting a disease and of dying

Maybe of death, maybe of dying and leaving the people they love is what they fear of

I wonder on my own

Have I already thought of death a gazillion times?

I have and I always had times with such a thought creeping inside no matter how I distract myself

I don't know if it's selfishness or a plea for freedom from the shackles of this world

Shackles that seem to choke me at times but also shackles that keep me grounded and keep me from breathing

I took screenshots of things I want to sketch so I can jump back to one of my own hobbies

I wonder how I never really did so unlike the times I was in high school

The summer of which I only spend with sketching that I even created my own picture book, just so I can imitate one of the anime characters I had been watching that time

Now, I can barely remember being satisfied with any of the pieces I created

Honestly, I don't remember a time with such a feeling of satisfaction

Every piece feels like it's lacking something

I can't specify what is it nor have any idea what it is

Now that same feeling is coming in like a strong wind trying to knock me down on my feet

Time alone for days are like times of old

I have been spending too much time alone, anyway, but this time is different

It's a forced time of being alone

Of being with myself

Damn the virus and damn the things it brought, just everything

But on the other side of my mind, I wonder

If all creatures have the right to live in this world, why are other beings being eradicated?

Even the most soft-hearted person won't be able to answer that

The right of human beings to live, the animals to survive, the plants to breathe, the insects to fly and crawl, the pathogens to exist

How such hierarchy be even created in a world ruled by balance, by power and by equality, one which is never really achieved?

People die, plants die, animal die, insect die, pathogens die

We all cease existing one day

And I wonder, what hassle each existence brings

Why must we choose who lives and die?

Why am I so bored I might just also die and why am I even thinking a lot of these?

Such a maze I know I have already expanded

When will I ever get out of this?

A whirlwind of thoughts, of wonders, of questions and of a lot of things

How very cliché sometimes

I am a repetitive parrot going on about words and complaints and excuses and explanations and a lot more

I wonder if I'm such a hypocrite as someone have told me a couple of times, or I'm a discriminating person as another also mentioned once, I discriminate things so that person told me

I wonder if I'm a liar and great pretender as another someone also pointed out

I wonder who am I? I have so much names to be called, so much pronouns to be described, so much as a person being identified by a different lot

I stop trying to understand myself cause I never will

The time I thought I know myself, I also question my sanity

Is that really me?

Is that really what I want?

Left with al the good and the bad things of every decision

Sometimes, I just shutdown

Unable to function

Right now, I am contemplating and along side, thinking if I am good for someone's health

Would it be okay to just disappear and wish that person never have met me? Maybe disappear in those memories and never really existed in those times? No feelings, nothing, maybe better

Would it have been different if the career I took is that of saving lives in person and not living on the background?

©️04.05.2020